Need some advice...Am I too nice?

lushunn32
lushunn32 Posts: 107
in Chit-Chat
I really need some advice and feel like what better site to ask it on. My best friend is 30 she has never really worked, always stayed with her parents, didnt finish school, has a daughter, doesnt know how to drive, (this list could go on and on but I will just keep it there). See I've know her for 25 years and I've always done for her know matter what the situation was I would do it. Anyways she has a cousin that needed someone to watch her baby, because she doesnt make much money to send her baby to daycare. So I told my bestfriend she should watch the baby for her so she could make some money, and she could do it at my house out of my basement. Well I didnt run it by my boyfriend until a couple of days ago and she suppose to start keeping the baby on Monday and now hes upset. He doesnt understand why I volunteered for her to keep the baby at our house. I thought it would help everyone out in the situation inculding me, because she could make sure my son was alright when he got home from school too. Should I have spoken with him first about this first? Do you think its really a big deal? I really need some help here

Replies

  • Lyssa62
    Lyssa62 Posts: 930 Member
    LOL well I'm gonna sit back and watch this one unfold..cuz I'm not one of those submissive women. I "inform" the others in the house what is going on..usually after the fact! :) I think that fact that she's helping you out too is enough of a reason for you to do it. Everybody wins!
  • AJ_Pete
    AJ_Pete Posts: 863 Member
    If your boyfriend lives with you, absolutely, you should have run it past him first.

    Also, I think you're being far too nice to your friend. She's an adult. You can't keep helping her out, but I think you already know that. At her age and with a child, she should at the very least have a job. She'll never learn how to swim if someone doesn't throw her in the water.
  • hooperkay
    hooperkay Posts: 463 Member
    If yall live together then you do need to ask him first. I have been married for 19 years and I always include him in everything just so there is no surprise. Usually he doesn't care, but sometimes he brings up a valid point that I didn't think of. If yall plan on staying together get into habit of discussing things, especially if someones gonna be in yalls house. I don't think your been too nice or silly or anything. There is probably a reason he doesn't want her around or maybe he's just upset cause you didn't inform him first.
  • lushunn32
    lushunn32 Posts: 107
    LOL well I'm gonna sit back and watch this one unfold..cuz I'm not one of those submissive women. I "inform" the others in the house what is going on..usually after the fact! :) I think that fact that she's helping you out too is enough of a reason for you to do it. Everybody wins!
    I thought the same thing, but he works in the morning and sometimes likes to come on for lunch and take a nap. He said he doesnt want a baby there while he's trying to rest. Also wanted to know if she was going to be helping with bills or giving me any money. I said know she was helping me with my child. He said your child is 11 and old enough to keep himself until my daughter gets home lol....
  • lushunn32
    lushunn32 Posts: 107
    If your boyfriend lives with you, absolutely, you should have run it past him first.

    Also, I think you're being far too nice to your friend. She's an adult. You can't keep helping her out, but I think you already know that. At her age and with a child, she should at the very least have a job. She'll never learn how to swim if someone doesn't throw her in the water.
    Yeah you are right about that. Just to be honest I'm like this with almost everyone. I'm really trying to work on not being so nice, but it's not going so good.
  • lushunn32
    lushunn32 Posts: 107
    If yall live together then you do need to ask him first. I have been married for 19 years and I always include him in everything just so there is no surprise. Usually he doesn't care, but sometimes he brings up a valid point that I didn't think of. If yall plan on staying together get into habit of discussing things, especially if someones gonna be in yalls house. I don't think your been too nice or silly or anything. There is probably a reason he doesn't want her around or maybe he's just upset cause you didn't inform him first.
    I should have told him first, I think I'm just not use to that yet. I think hes mad because he fills like she uses me all the time for everything.
  • oregonzoo
    oregonzoo Posts: 4,251 Member
    If you both live in the house, you should have asked him.


    And if you are going to be too nice to your friends, which you are... then you need to have the same consideration for your boyfriend whom you live with.
  • daffodilsoup
    daffodilsoup Posts: 1,972 Member
    LOL well I'm gonna sit back and watch this one unfold..cuz I'm not one of those submissive women. I "inform" the others in the house what is going on..usually after the fact! :) I think that fact that she's helping you out too is enough of a reason for you to do it. Everybody wins!

    Being respectful of the people you live with isn't "submissive", it's common courtesy.

    OP, you definitely should have asked him if you do in fact live together.
  • Irish_eyes75
    Irish_eyes75 Posts: 475
    I would so have a problem with that. I like my alone time, I NEED my alone time!
  • Lyssa62
    Lyssa62 Posts: 930 Member
    Being respectful of the people you live with isn't "submissive", it's common courtesy.

    Different kind of households we live in.
  • gpstrucker
    gpstrucker Posts: 930 Member
    Not a big deal but, yeah, it's his house too and you should have discussed it with him. Basic common sense.
  • SuffolkSally
    SuffolkSally Posts: 964 Member
    Who owns/pays for/lives in the house? If it's all you then it's your call. If he lives with you and shares the bills then you should have discussed with him as it will affect his lifestyle too. If he doesn't split the costs but stays with you anyway; then it's your call also - she's your friend, and you decide what works for you and her.

    ETA - the way you wrote your post sounded like the house is yours and he just stays there. If that's the case he can eff off - I have all sorts of random friends staying with me, sometimes being difficult; but then it's my problem, weighing up the benefits of those friendships and the downsides. My BF doesn't always like it - but frankly I think well tough; you can always stay away.
  • bufflo
    bufflo Posts: 17 Member
    I think that you should have let him know before hand. But, unless he has a really good reason for her not to be there than he should relax and let it go. When I was not too much younger than I am now I would have reacted the same way. But, age has tought me to wait and see.
  • lushunn32
    lushunn32 Posts: 107
    I guess I should have said we split the bills, and he has been a really big help in my life. I just didn't think to ask him becasue I didn't think it would have been an issue since she was going to be in the basement. I thank you all for your replys. It really helped me come to a decision.
  • ritoosh
    ritoosh Posts: 190
    you should have asked him if you two live together. its only a polite thing to do in my opinion.
  • mercymarque
    mercymarque Posts: 450
    Yes you should have talked to him first... it's both your place. Put yourself in his shoes about the sitution. Yes it's your best friend but not everyone keeps their place like u. Who's to say she will just be in the basement. Plus the added expenses... lights, heat, ac, food who is going to supply all that. Great you were thinking about your child having someone to be there for him but what would you do if this sitution didn't come up? If she's going to do it she should ask her mom if it could be done in her hme, she'sthe one that's getting paid. Besides if she's doing it at her mom's house, maybe she'll pay her for staying there, she's 30 should be on her own.
  • mercymarque
    mercymarque Posts: 450
    I was wondering how old your son was... 11. He should be able to take care of himself for a few hours untill somebody gets home. Don't take this the wrong way but don't be an enabler.
  • pomjt
    pomjt Posts: 47 Member
    you do live together as a partmership so yes i do think you should have talked to him and explained your reason to have her sit from your house ...
    i do think you are too nice but that isnt always a bad thing its more a bad thing the people who take advantage of that ...
    you have to remember that you have your own family and they come first ..
    do you really want to come home every day to this friend with some one elses baby ???
    and remember she is your friend not your daughter ..... be there to help her but she has to help herself
  • Ruthe8
    Ruthe8 Posts: 423 Member
    Are you too nice? Um no. You're very inconsiderate of your boyfriend. If my husband suddenly announced that someone was going to be here watching a damn baby every day without consulting me, I'd be freaking pissed.
  • Ruthe8
    Ruthe8 Posts: 423 Member
    LOL well I'm gonna sit back and watch this one unfold..cuz I'm not one of those submissive women. I "inform" the others in the house what is going on..usually after the fact! :) I think that fact that she's helping you out too is enough of a reason for you to do it. Everybody wins!
    Yeah sounds like you think you are the only one that matters in your household, that's really great.
  • lamos1
    lamos1 Posts: 167 Member
    If you're boyfriend lives with you and he is helping with the bills in the house, then yes, you should have told him, before you told her to get his input!
  • ahigg396
    ahigg396 Posts: 100 Member
    LOL well I'm gonna sit back and watch this one unfold..cuz I'm not one of those submissive women. I "inform" the others in the house what is going on..usually after the fact! :) I think that fact that she's helping you out too is enough of a reason for you to do it. Everybody wins!

    Talking about it first wouldn't make anyone "submissive". It's just called being "considerate". Especially if he helps to pay the bills---he should have some say-so in it, as well.
  • JustJennie1
    JustJennie1 Posts: 3,749 Member
    LOL well I'm gonna sit back and watch this one unfold..cuz I'm not one of those submissive women. I "inform" the others in the house what is going on..usually after the fact! :) I think that fact that she's helping you out too is enough of a reason for you to do it. Everybody wins!

    I'm not a "submissive woman" however it is just common courtesy that you would run things by your significant other with which you live with before you do anything.

    I run things by my husband all the time because it would just be plain rude and disrespectful to do something without his agreement on it.
  • honey_bee_keysha
    honey_bee_keysha Posts: 773 Member
    Yes, you are too nice and this is coming from a person who is also too nice. I think your friend need to learn to do things on her own. And I think you should have brought the subject up to your boyfriend since you two live together. How would you like it if he volunteered his friend for something at your house without discussing it with you?

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