I'm losing weight and getting fit.. but my spouse is not

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breeanreyes
breeanreyes Posts: 228 Member
in Health and Weight Loss
I'm reaching out to those who also have this problem. I started out at 194 pounds in January and decided I was going to do something about it. The process has been slow, but I've dropped 23 pounds and over 40 inches over the last 8.5 months and am still going strong with 21 pounds to go. I've changed my diet and exercise more consistently and more often than I ever have before, and am loving it. My hubby on the other hand seems perfectly content being his current weight of 255 and sitting on the couch from the minute he gets home till the time we go to bed. I have to give him credit, his job is very physical (construction), but I can not convince to do as much as take a walk with me after dinner. I pretty much control what he eats (i make him breakfast, lunch and dinner most days) and he's been a trooper about cutting out sugary drinks and chips and I'm very proud of him for that. Part of what drives me to exercise and stay in shape is my desire to continue to be attractive (and more attractive) to my husband, and have explained this to him. I've also explained that I think muscles are incredibly sexy and would love to see him that way. He does not sabotage me in my weight loss goals and I appreciate it very much, but I feel like this major difference in lifestyles is starting to put a wedge between us. I love being active and doing anything outdoors, and it is sad to me that my best friend in the whole world has no desire to do them with me. If anyone has any suggestions on coping with this difference I would greatly appreciate it! I'm not trying to force him into doing things my way, but I'm definitely not going back to the way I was to keep this from affecting our relationship.

Replies

  • Yukongil
    Yukongil Posts: 166 Member
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    why won't he join you in exercising? Has he given you a reason?

    If he's too tired after work and with a physically demanding job like construction it is certainly understandable, maybe he really is just too tired to do anything major.

    My only other advice is baby steps, maybe try dancing in the living room for just a bit, ramp up the bedroom play or go hit some golfballs, bowl or some other sport activity he enjoys.
  • nxd10
    nxd10 Posts: 4,570 Member
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    I hear you. My husband is a tai chi instructor and so works out a lot but needs to lose probably 40 pounds. And it is interfering with his health and also his work. He says he wants to log but just doesn't.

    Things that HAVE helped are asking him to walk with me every night and also just finding food we both love. Everyone in the family eats the same meals, though in different amounts. His diet is getting better (he realized just that one beer a night was a major source of his weight problems and stopped drinking them back in June, immediately losing 20 pounds). But he has to log to lose more.

    I FEEL like he's almost there, but hasn't committed yet.
  • bpotts44
    bpotts44 Posts: 1,066 Member
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    I wouldn't push it or make comments about how you would like muscles. His motivation has to come from within just like yours did. Fixing the healthier food is enough, you aren't going to change him so just focus on your own fitness.
  • nienie21
    nienie21 Posts: 95 Member
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    That's a tough one. I've been where you are. In all honesty you can't force him to do something he doesn't want to.
    Like you said, his job is demanding, so that could account for his lack of interest, BUT a short walk won't kill him if it means making you happy and maintaining a good relationship. Good luck =)
  • madmish00
    madmish00 Posts: 35
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    I'm in the same boat as you so I know exactly how you feel.

    I am probably in the best shape I've ever been and feel healthier than ever but my other half has no interest in eating anything remotely healthy or doing anything more than minimal exercise (he trains brazilian jiu jitsu once a week)

    He views 'vegetables' as some kind of swear word and I have to blend them in to sauces to get him to eat them. It's fine now because he has a decent metabolism but sooner or later all the late night curries and beer are going to catch up. He just tunes out when I say anything about having had a great workout and shrugs me off saying I'm obsessed.

    Would be interesting to hear how other people have dealt with this
  • froeschli
    froeschli Posts: 1,292 Member
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    I started this february and it looked like i was going to wage that same battle. i tried nudging my hubby along the same way, but it only got him really frustrated. i learned to shut up, and actually got jealous about him losing more weight than me, just by eating the newly healthier meals i made.
    I don't know when the change came, but when he really noticed my losing weight, and started feeling better because he was too, just through the changed diet. He started cycling again. Now he's as much into cycling as i am into running. we actually have to plan our days around who goes out, when, for how long (one of us has to stay and watch the business).

    In our case it was just a matter of time. But, we still don't do sports together, we're probably both too competitive and would do ourselves an injury trying to outdo the other in their sport... We do take our dog on 'family' walks though every once in a while.

    If, in time, he still won't catch up to you (mindset wise), then you have to decide on how important the issue is to you. Whether you decide to find a middle ground, accept the difference, or walk away. It has to be your decision. For perspective, your BFF or sister (if you have one) would probably have more insight than any of us here...
  • jesz124
    jesz124 Posts: 1,004 Member
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    Unfortunately you may just have to accept that this is going to be a solo journey. You can't force him to be interested in what you are. I sympathize as I had the same problem with my ex. He was supportive to a point, but in the end it just emphasized all the things that were different as our priorities in life. He may just be happy as he is, and doesn't feel the need to change anything in his lifestyle? Whatever you do don't make a big issue of it and go on at him as I bet like all men he will dig his heels in and point blank refuse to even consider getting a little healthier lol.
  • hazelovesfood
    hazelovesfood Posts: 454 Member
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    lol so true, mine is more or less the same. He needs to lose weight but makes no real effort to do it, he is too complacent thats the problem, always been the same, hes lost just over a stone but his eating habits are still there lurking to spring into action lol.
  • sleepytexan
    sleepytexan Posts: 3,138 Member
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    Tread carefully.

    I am, and have always been, very active and outgoing. My husband would be perfectly happy staying home all the time. I work out every day, and him--not so much. I love to go out dancing; he does not. He also is messy (ugh). However, the bigger picture is that we have a fantastic marriage and 4 kids, we get along great, truly enjoy each other's company and share the same values.

    I couldn't ask for more -- even if I'd love it if he'd dance (he can't); he is man enough not to be jealous when I go without him -- he knows I'm happy coming home.

    Always remember to step back and look at the big picture.
  • deb3129
    deb3129 Posts: 1,294 Member
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    I am struggling with the same thing. My hubby did start to come around, he was eating better, getting off the couch more,and walking with me. But he has kind of started to back slide. I don't really have the answer. I know that pushing him will not work, that the motivation has to come from him. But it is very frustrating!!!
  • geekyjock76
    geekyjock76 Posts: 2,720 Member
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    If you prepare all his meals, then you know how many calories he is eating throughout the day. Have you added all that up? Is he eating or drinking anything else that is not prepared by you? With a physically demanding job, he should be able to lose weight while on a deficit once you establish what his present TDEE is.

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