Newly wed looking for some advice!!!

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nicolebeck89
nicolebeck89 Posts: 68 Member
in Chit-Chat
First of all this is a message for advice cause I have never had this issue before. If you dont like reading relationship posts then just pass this by and pay no attention.


My husband and I have a good relationship, no really big fights or anything yet ( we are fairly newly weds)., We have been in a little bit of a money rut and we are awaiting some money from my retirement fund. I have been having a run around from my employer about getting it together and signing the paper to release the money. He bugs be about everyday and everyday I call them to see how the progress is going.
He is so stressed out about this money thing ( thats just the person he is, I know that and knew it when I married him). I however am the kind of person that even though I am stressed about something I usually wont show it because I dont like to be crabby and just generally like to be happy. He on the otherhand becomes a crabby mess.

Well the other night we were laying on the couch and he was facebooking and just doing his thing (which is fine) however when I sat up and asked him how he was and that I was gunna go get something from the fridge I noticed my name in one of his messages. I couldnt help but read that message ( snooping is bad I know, I wasnt trying my name just caught my attention).
Well he was telling his friend on facebook how he doesnt know what to do with me because he cant get me motivated to get the money we need and that I just choose to not care and leave it to him (which is not true).

Anyways I guess I was just wondering how other people feel about this with there relationships. I am kinda hurt that he would tell his friend about this especially since she has not had the best relationships in her life. I am sure he was just venting. Yet I am totally all about giving privacy and not snooping. I guess I just dont know if I should just let it go or tell him I saw the message and ask him why he did this.
Anyways let me know your thoughts.

Not looking to dump him or anything just though maybe someone who has been married for a little while longer than me could give some good advice to a "newly wed"!!

Replies

  • JessigirlJb
    JessigirlJb Posts: 656
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    I have been married awhile. We were always most successful when we were open and honest with each other. Dont jump his **** for it just say the truth and ask him what you can do to make him not feel that way any longer.
  • skullshank
    skullshank Posts: 4,324 Member
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    not that its any of my business, but you're 23...is your retirement fund a 401k, or just money youve set aside?
    you said "little bit of a money rut"...do anything and everything to avoid cashing in your retirement fund.
    you're gonna need it later. badly.
  • nicolebeck89
    nicolebeck89 Posts: 68 Member
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    Yea i dont want him to feel threatened. I guess what bothers me more is not that he would talk about his feelings to someone else, (because I talk about stuff he does to my friends), I think its more who he was talking to. My husband has many friends that were girls and they all are great, but this one just erks me big time. She always is having marriage problems with her husband and everytime they tend to talk she always gives all this weird solutions. She also tends to make more out of a comment then is really there. So yea he has never done anything that has bothered me like this so just didnt know how to handle it.
  • nicolebeck89
    nicolebeck89 Posts: 68 Member
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    Its a private work retirement fun. I stopped working for that company. The only choice I had with it was to either cash it out or it would go back to the company. I couldnt roll it over to a different account.
  • skullshank
    skullshank Posts: 4,324 Member
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    Its a private work retirement fun. I stopped working for that company. The only choice I had with it was to either cash it out or it would go back to the company. I couldnt roll it over to a different account.

    ahhhhh got it.

    as far as your dude is concerned....he might just be tryin to be cool for this chick.
    don't sweat it unless you have reason to believe you should.
    withhold sex for awhile. that'll straighten any guy up.
  • AlexandraLynch
    AlexandraLynch Posts: 161
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    In this case, I would let it go.

    However, once the money comes or a week or so goes by, you might ask him if there are any of your friends that he would rather you didn't talk to him about, or topics that he'd rather not have you discuss with your friends. This opens the door for the conversation where you ask him calmly not to discuss you with the one female friend of his, that the thought of it bothers you very much.

    I think many people in monogamous traditional relationships just assume too much about how their partner will act, and this winds up with problems occurring. Discuss everything. Figure out what YOUR marriage and relationship looks like, and then just live it into being day to day.

    I just celebrated my 23rd wedding anniversary.
  • nicolebeck89
    nicolebeck89 Posts: 68 Member
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    Thanks, that's what I kind of was thinking about doing. He have a pretty open and both are ok with each others friends and so on. I would never make him give up a friend because I would be so mad if he made me give up one of mine. This particular one just bothers me. And I don't believe he sought her out to talk to her, she just was the person that was online on Facebook messenger at the time. I guess I was just surprised it myself that it bothered me so much.
  • nicolebeck89
    nicolebeck89 Posts: 68 Member
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    Sorry to anyone that had to read my last replied. It was full of errors. I was distracted while typing.
  • hbrittingham
    hbrittingham Posts: 2,518 Member
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    I would suggest taking some of that money you are getting and invest it in some marriage counseling. A good counselor will teach you how to communicate effectively and clearly. He is obviously seeing things one way and you are seeing them another way. The fact that he's "venting" to a friend about this issue rather than talking to you about it is a problem, in my opinion.

    I've been married 20 years and both my husband and I needed to learn how to communicate properly with each other, so we sought out counseling. We are happier now than we have ever been in our relationship because of this.
  • Iceman1800
    Iceman1800 Posts: 476
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    A bigger issue is why do you need the money so bad. (Not looking for an actual answer, none of my business). But what if you could roll it over, would you? Plus, have you looked into the tax consequences of cashing it out? Money is a tough issue in marriages so like others have said, see a marriage counselor about this.
  • emstethem
    emstethem Posts: 263 Member
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    Its a private work retirement fun. I stopped working for that company. The only choice I had with it was to either cash it out or it would go back to the company. I couldnt roll it over to a different account.

    ahhhhh got it.

    as far as your dude is concerned....he might just be tryin to be cool for this chick.
    don't sweat it unless you have reason to believe you should.
    withhold sex for awhile. that'll straighten any guy up.

    NEVER EVER EVER EVER withhold sex! DAMN! There is a better way to "straighten him up" without punishing yourself! ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS be thrilled to have sex with your man! Keep him so drained at home that he won't have the urge to wander! Withholding sex will just set him up for temptation!

    That said--yes, he is wrong, but your response to this situation (him confiding in a girl "friend") is very critical. Being angry, though justified, will certainly lead to the destruction of your marriage (I know that this seems like a dramatic response but little things add up...). You can rear up in rage and indignation; you can stand on your rights and stand on truth, but it won't save or repair your marriage. Sounds like you have a competitor...a negative response to this situation will not suddenly make your husband be more mature...No man has ever crawled out from under his wife's criticism to be a better man--no matter how justified her condemnation.

    A man is just that--a man. If you critize him, or respond to him in anger about this situation, he just might respond by taking this other woman "friend" out to dinner so that he can see a smile that has no strings attached...it is cruel...but that is the way of carnal (human) men. He is not functioning on the plane of moral duty...he sounds like a lonely, stressed out, man seeking identity in a woman's (aka friend's) approval and admiration... Recognize that you are at war with this female "friend"......make yourself more lovely than her by cultivating his love for you through kindness and good old fashioned fun.

    Your husband is going to love what is lovely...Earn every smile and shared moment. He needs to hear gladness and appreciation in your voice when you speak to him, even when you are talking of everyday things...knock the chip off of your shoulder and fight for what is yours! Don't ride him with suspicion. Don't play detective and follow him around...but do call his work with a giggle in your voice and give him fair warning that you expect "some loving" when he gets home...show up to take him out to lunch sometimes looking radiant and delightfully in love...your very sweetness and thankfulness toward your man will make that cheap female "friend" feel that she is beneath your class. Fortify your husband's spirit.

    AGAIN--DO NOT WITHHOLD SEX! Be creative and aggressive (or vulnerable with a blush, the need...the dependence what ever is needed) in your private, intimate times. Keep him drained at home so he won't be tempted to stray! ...If you feed him well, emotionally and sexually, her cooking won't tempt him.

    Money problems are stressing him out? Get creative and make a little extra money from home on your free time. Sell clothing that you never wear on Ebay or knickknacks on Ebay. Have a fun yard sale. Check out Uship.com and run some local jobs and suprise him with the extra $. Got a talent? Such as pottery or guitar or herbal medicine? Share it. People will pay to take a class to learn the talent from you. :) Find ways to save money on the grocery bill such as having a garden (even a balcony, kitchen herb, container garden can save money on the grocery bill..) Or clip coupons... Do what you can to reduce his stress level. Give him a massage! :) Good luck. :) Hope this helps.
  • snelson0511
    snelson0511 Posts: 24
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    My 2 cents my dear (and I have a guy just like yours HAHA I get it)...

    First off...him venting to someone on Facebook is exactly what you're doing here on MFP. Nothing wrong with it...people just need advice. Now sadly if he's getting advice from someone who's bad at giving it then that stinks but you'll prolly get bad advice on here too LOL! Money scares some people really bad....my hubby constantly looks at our debts and income to make sure we are okay. Maybe he doesn't understand how much you're working to get that retirement for you both. One thing I might recommend is keeping in MORE in the loop with the progress...maybe carbon copy him on any emails you send to your employer that way he can see you actually are working towards getting the money.

    This will pass...once you get the funds I think things will be back to normal and this will just be a fond memory. OH! And when the dust settles on this whole thing THEN maybe bring up that you read what he put on Facebook and let him know that it kind of hurt your feelings and you would prefer he talk with you about these things and not someone who doesn't need to be giving advice ;)

    Good luck!

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