Personal emotional story - should I start support group?

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Shellsmiley
Shellsmiley Posts: 323 Member
in Motivation and Support
SO, my counsellor AND best friend both told me I should start up my own local support group. I am tired of not having a support group for overweight individuals who just want peer support, not a 12 step program. After you read this post, let me know what you think about me trying to start my own local support group? Thanks!! :)

I want the support of others and be able to discuss things like why do we end up bingeing or why do we starve ourselves? I also want to get to the ROOT of the whole under-eating, overeating, bingeing, closet eating, emotional eating, etc. I DO NOT WANT TO CONFORM TO 12 STEPS and say that I SURRENDER TO THIS ILLNESS. I know for ME it is NOT an illness, but traces back to the days that I can't even remember of my childhood.

I used to hoard food and get annoyed when someone wanted something I purchased. I used to stuff myself until I was sick. My aunt was so scared for us kids that she showed us the cupboards and told us that when we were hungry, to just go help ourselves. She tried her hardest to break that evil bondage but alas, my mother had done too much damage and it carried on throughout my life. I became a closet eater, binger, emotional eater, boredom eater, etc.

THIS was all new found information to me last month on August 19th. I am having a hard time digesting it and would like to share with others this email that she sent me in regards to my facebook status (posted below):

FACEBOOK STATUS -- AUGUST 13TH:
[My confession]
"The reason I was scared of doctors, hospitals, clinics, etc, was because I was scared of facing the truth: that I have a problem, I AM overweight and I am an emotional eater...also, used to be a closet eater! I can't believe I just said that, its so embaressing! I am happy now that I've gone to the doctors, got my exact weight and figured out between my doctor, nutritionist, and counsellor, what I need to do in order to get healthy. Get the life I've never had by becoming the person I've never seen nor been. I don't want to be one of those fat mothers or wives that can't play with their children or get on a plane to fly somewhere for our honeymoon! I am dedicated to making my life, body, and mind as healthy as it can be! One thing I know, no matter what happens or what I look like, family and real friends will stick beside me and drown me with their love! What triggered this rant was me watching Melissa's story on "my 600 lb life" and its made me have a few realizations, like the one I've just admitted to you. Some people have commented that I am weird for liking a "freak show" tv series, but can relate on SO many different levels with those people!! Hard to admit I AM one of those people! Here's to a healthy life, both spiritually and physically!!"

My Auntie's Response via Facebook Private Message:

"Hey sweet girl, I just saw your post from August 13 (I think it was) where you mentioned not wanting to see a doctor because you have an eating problem and are overweight.

I'm going to tell you something that you might not remember from when your parents were still together. This might help you if you when you talk to your coucellor or something. Knowing the causes of problems can help people get better. I'm sure it's not your only problem because life is never that simple but maybe it will help. And please remember, I'm not tryiing to make your mom sound bad.

When you were little and your mom and dad were still together, you didn't always get fed. Looking back on it, especially after your brother was born, I think your mom might have been suffering from post-partum depression or something else. Your mom didn't do much to take care of you or your brother and sometimes if your uncle M wasn't there, nothing would be done for you.
When you would come visit us, you would eat until I was afraid you would be sick. At 2 years old, you could eat more in one sitting than your Uncle C. At that age, you could eat an entire box of Kraft Dinner and a couple of hotdogs with buns, milk, juice and a treat. I remember thinking even back then that you were eating as much as you could when you could, in case you didn't get fed for awhile.

I finally had to show you the fridge and the cupboards and tell you that if you got hungry, you could help yourself. Sometimes, I would give you a granola bar to carry around. That seemed to help a bit.

Please know that I'm not telling you this now to make things harder for you. We would all like to imagine our lives growing up were better than they were, but I think this information might help you. Your deep seated need to over-eat was developed years and years ago, and I think it was out of need.

I truly hope this information helps you overcome your problems. And again, it was told out of love, not from wanting to hurt anyone or make anyone look bad.

Love,
Auntie"

What do you all think about it? I am still having a hard time digesting it and I want to reach out to others that may have had similar things happen or have had it happen and how they are coping with it. I ALWAYS KNEW there was something wrong with the way I was going about eating, but I never knew WHY or what CAUSED it until my aunt sent me that email.

Do you think I could start my own support group? If so, what would/should I call it and do you have any suggestions?

Thanks everyone for your input!

Love Shelley

Replies

  • Shellsmiley
    Shellsmiley Posts: 323 Member
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    * Bump * :)
  • chakdeindia
    chakdeindia Posts: 9
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    I agree - I think it can often be helpful to work out the cause of the problem. Otherwise you just end up papering over the cracks without repairing the wall. It's not true for everything - for example sometimes in cases of extreme trauma (such as abuse or death or whatever) it can be very unhelpful, even dangerous, to bring it all back. The brain pushes away certain memories for a reason.

    Having a support group could be useful because you will be able to motivate each other, share recipes, tips, things like that. You'd make new friends and you could do things together - so maybe instead of always meeting in a room you could go for a walk as one of the meetings. So yes, I think a support group would be a good idea. Are there none in your area at the moment?

    In the short term, it might help if I shared a couple of things.

    You identified one of the problems as eating out of boredom. I do that too and realising that was one of the keys to me being able to lose weight. It's different for everyone but the reason I got bored was I tend to spend a lot of time in my own company, but in the house - and there is always food lurking downstairs. So now I make sure that 1. I go out more, 2. I spend more time with people (who would notice if I kept snacking). I also ask Mum not to buy the naughty things because my other problem is I have a habit of coming home from work and going straight to the cupboard. If there's nothing there, I can't eat it.

    I also have a problem with portion sizes. I always have. I've never considered 3 biscuits as greedy, for example. So now I make myself a packed lunch for work (otherwise I would go to Tesco and just buy a cheesecake and some crisps). I also give myself less choice. Humans seem to be programmed to love choice - and so we try a little bit of each thing. So I avoid buffets now, unless I have to. I also no longer have a bread roll with everything. Because of course on bread goes butter and the rest is history.

    I can't lose weight without motivation. My main issue is that I get out of breath going up the stairs, and I shouldn't! I have the energy of someone twice my age (which is 23). So that's one of my motivations. Another is keeping a "before" photo of myself. Another is, when I lose 1lb and I think "that's not much", I pick up something that weighs the same and think about how much fat that would be. When you think about 1lb in terms of a jar of jam, suddenly it seems a lot!

    Anyway I hope this helps. My support group is my mum and my sister, who are also losing weight. I'm quite shy so I haven't joined an official support group, although I used to do Weight Watchers and I loved talking to people at the meetings. If you're all there for the same reason it can be really helpful and make you feel good.

    OK essay over! :-) Will be praying for you.
  • Tensky
    Tensky Posts: 4
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    I think that's a great idea. There are probably a lot of people in your area, of all shapes and sizes, who have issues with food hoarding and over eating that they'd love to get some support with, and it's really important to make sure you focus on mental and emotional health as well as just eating right and exercising. In fact, I think the emotions and psychology is where the real battle is for most people. Good luck with this!
  • shinesunfish
    shinesunfish Posts: 93 Member
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    I've actually wanted something like this for myself - not really therapy, just like-minded people who can talk about WHY we do what we do and how to stop. I'm sure that there are quite a few people who feel this way. :)
  • cmriverside
    cmriverside Posts: 34,114 Member
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    I think the reason 12 Step Programs are so successful is because they have been refined over decades to be a somewhat controlled atmosphere. I don't know what your exact concern is with them, but they have some good structure that is definitely helpful in cases of emotional disorders and self-help.

    With that said, you need to be really careful with peoples' psyches. It isn't that helpful to try to be an armchair therapist if you haven't even explored your own issues thoroughly. I can see starting a group of supportive friends to help motivate you with exercising or sharing recipes, but you may give and receive damaging "advice" if you plan to lean on these types of people for therapy.

    It is a long process, and can be very painful and confusing. Whatever you decide to do, good luck.
  • Shellsmiley
    Shellsmiley Posts: 323 Member
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    *Bump* :tongue:
  • opuntia
    opuntia Posts: 860 Member
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    A support group might be helpful. I'm not sure how common it is not to be fed as a child though. It was similar for me - my mother used to often punish me by not feeding me, but this didn't result in weight gain for me. I was very underweight as a child and teenager. With me, I think it resulted in a liking for crisps and sweets, because at weekends my dad would buy me and my sisters sweets and crisps, and I guess I liked them all the more because I was hungry! It has also resulted in my never being obsessed with weight or sad when I gained weight - I've always seen myself as skinny, even when I wasn't.

    I've never met anyone else who frequently wasn't fed as a child though, other than my sister, and she has had a very different reaction to it than I have. I imagine a group of people would all have very different histories. And if they haven't previously examined and worked through their histories, it could be quite a difficult experience for them, and it might be too much for you, as the support group leader, to handle - often difficult experiences need to be worked through with a counsellor, especially if they involve abuse/neglect.

    On the other hand, I think a lot of people have difficult experiences they want to have chance to talk about, so a place to do so might be helpful. It might be quite a challenge to keep the group focused on positive healing and improvement, rather than anger and bitterness. I guess a lot will depend on the stage people are at.
  • LaurasClimb
    LaurasClimb Posts: 211 Member
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    I think it is good to talk about the things that are bothering you. I believe part of the healing process is admitting (out loud) there is a problem and then working out the steps you need to work through your problem. I think counselors are great but you also need to be talking to your peers. Is a support group the place to do it? I guess that's for you to decide. For me, I don't think I would make that choice (this is me NOT what I think you should do).
    I have never attended a support group or AA or anything like that. I think a support group would be helpful IF it meets the following:
    1. You understand you are not going to find people who went through the EXACT situation you did.
    2. People are there for mutual support. We all have those "know it all" friends who will tell you exactly what your problem is and how to get over it. They don't want to discuss it, they just want to control it (and you). Or have a one-upmanship contest - "no matter what your pain, my misery is worse than yours."
    3. This is not a place to complain about how much your life sucks.
    4. This shouldn't be a "forever" thing. You meet people who also want to work things out, you take the steps you need, you pass some wisdom and knowledge on to others then you get on with your life.
    5. There has to be trust. I live in a small town, I would worry about talking with strangers about my problems and have rumors spread all over town.

    Personally, I would rather talk to a trusted friend than a group of strangers. Then again, some of those strangers may become your closest friend. Sorry, probably wasn't much help.
  • Shellsmiley
    Shellsmiley Posts: 323 Member
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    BUMP :tongue:
  • Shellsmiley
    Shellsmiley Posts: 323 Member
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    BUMP
  • zyxst
    zyxst Posts: 9,136 Member
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    Your aunt sounds like a great woman. :drinker:
  • bubblekitten
    bubblekitten Posts: 13
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    I can understand where you are coming from. I will tell you some of my story, only so you know you are not alone. My mother and my grandmother have always had issues with food and it was passed on to me. When I was young, maybe from age 8+ I would hear "don't eat too much or you'll get fat" and countless other negative comments about food, which translated into thoughts, subconscious and conscious, that fat is "bad" or "scary". In turn, I was anorexic for about 12 years. Last May, I miscarried and never lost the "baby" weight. I actually gained more. Now I'm a secret eater. I'm ashamed I don't have the willpower to starve myself. Its really sick, I know. I also kicked some serious drugs (4 months clean!) and its common to gain weight in this phase of recovery. I hate 12 steps and AA/NA. It just doesn't work for me. This is the first time I've ever been overweight and the first time I've ever tried losing weight in a healthy way. Its scary as hell!

    I agree with some of the other posters about the boundaries. I think that as long as there is a mental health professional involved, it would be a great idea.
  • ImprovingEla
    ImprovingEla Posts: 396 Member
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    Thank you for sharing this story, it kind of opened my eyes to some of my own bad habbits or past deamons I carry around with me.
    I will sure as hell have to face them and started right away by writing them down, cause acknowledging the problem is half the deal!

    A big hug to you and good luck with your Journey, I would love to have someone in my area who would share this kind of difficulties and try to work them out together!

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