Emotionally conflicted student starting terrible habits

Options
Hi MFP,

I have a background a bit different from the typical "not adjusted to college" freshman 15 weight gain. I lived on my own for the past four years at boarding school (high school) and was able to keep my weight in check. That has changed.

Some context:
It has been a month into freshman year of college and I am the unhappiest I've been in years and years (ever since my parents got separated when I was in high school). I went to a quite academically challenging "college preparatory" boarding school for four years, but unlike many of my classmates who also worked their a*ses off and went onto universities of their choice, I was waitlisted at my top choices and ended up in one of my "safety schools". After being devastated, I decided over the summer to accept the situation as it was and resolved to come into freshman year happy, forward facing, ready to do well.

Now:
My self motivated attitude quickly fell short of realities. I do not feel like I belong at my current school, both in terms of my studies and my non-class passions. It has been a month in and after going with it for the first two weeks, I've slipped hard these past two weeks. I procrastinate. I am not at all excited to go to my classes. I do the minimum amount of work. And I've turned to food. The sinful temporary satisfaction of food. Like any distressed eater, I've tried to make that sinful temporary satisfaction last longer by gorging on food alone in my room by the chip bag (literally a whole big bag of Doritos), ice cream, crackers, snack cookies etc. I KNOW that I should stay away from such terrible-for-you junk foods (etc the whole spiel etc) but I am obviously not rational in the mind at the moment. I am on my way to throwing away a first year of college education and ruining any chances of transferring to a better university more suited for me.

To give you an idea of a day in my past couple weeks. Today went down like this:
1) Skipped first lecture class on material I covered in high school.
2) Was in room alone and had to do work that I purposely procrastinated and put off because I didn't want to touch it over the weekend -- so I bought comfort food in the form of a hot bagel and a pastry...
2) Made it through first class. Felt like I wanted a slice of banana bread (which is more like cake) to "reward" myself/keep me going
3) Made it through second class. Bought chocolate bar, another slice of banana bread, granola bar (I guess those carbs are the best comfort emotional foods)
4) Made it through third class. Bought dinner in the form of salad with pasta, some fruit, bag of bagels to keep in room for grab on the go breakfast for the week. (Except I knew even at the time that they wouldn't last me the whole week.)
5) Stuffed myself in 10 minutes with my meal...then proceeded to gorge myself on three of the bagels.
6) Felt so sh*tty that I went to sleep in my room. Just woke up and showered to feel less disgusting. Decided in the shower to come onto this site to at least let SOMEONE know.

I am a short girl whose BMR is only around 1300. I've been gorging on upwards of 4000 calories daily (think an entire container of Haggen Dazs + an entire big bag of Tostitos + jar of creamy dip at 12 midnight after an entire day of eating already) -- I've gained close to ten pounds in the past three weeks. Please help. I know I am not living up to my potential. I did not go to four years of boarding school to knowingly f up my first year of college and eat myself fat. Please help.

Replies

  • meggyannpt
    meggyannpt Posts: 73 Member
    Options
    First off, it is OK to struggle, especially when starting college. It's a huge adjustment, and it sounds like you've had a rough time lately. I'm glad that you recognize something is wrong.

    You may want to check and see what sort of mental health/counseling services your university offers. I think many offer the services for free, and it is ok to need to talk to someone if you are feeling upset. It does not mean you are crazy, and can be a huge benefit. It sounds like your recent eating is very emotionally driven. Take care of yourself emotionally first, and don't stress about the weight for now.

    I hope you are able to find the help you need!
  • sarah1334
    sarah1334 Posts: 77 Member
    Options
    I'm sorry that your college experience isn't what you were expecting it to be :( Give it more time. You haven't been there long enough to find your "niche" yet, or probably even a close set of friends... but you definitely won't find them sitting alone in your room, eating! Get out there and go to a party/go to a club meeting/hang out at a coffee shop/whatever you're into! Food is not the answer, but you already know that, or else you wouldn't be posting this on MFP.

    Stock your dorm room with healthy food. Bring healthy snacks to class. Check out the campus gym. See if your campus gym offers workout classes or yoga or something... might be a good way to meet people!

    And maybe see if you can test out of some of your lower level classes... it sounds like they are boring you, which never helps anything! Good luck! :)
  • km202
    km202 Posts: 112
    Options
    I am here for you. I am in my second year of graduate school, so I am older than you, but I have had those times where I just feel like it isn't worth it. Don't do this! You have had all the preparation and you have worked so hard to get to where you are (even if it is your safety school). At least you got into college and you can always transfer (if you don't throw it all away for nothing).
    Your situation is kind of difficult. It is going to just come down to you saying "no" and you having the self-control.
    I find that when I am stressed/bored/upset, going for a walk helps so much.
    Also, it looks like you turn to snacking (mainly on carbs) as a comfort. Snacking is fine, but we need to find some better options for you. Fruit, vegetables, and even 100 calories sized bags of popcorn would be great for you; you could get the satisfaction of snacking and still get some nutrition out of it.
    Are you logging your food on a daily basis? If not, you should. And log as you go. I find that it helps me make better choices if I see that I just ate something and used up 1/4 of my calories for the day. Definitely an eye opener.
    Good luck. I think you can do it once you make up your mind to do it.

    Feel free to add me and I can try to motivate you to make the right decisions along the way.
  • jugar
    jugar Posts: 10,231 Member
    Options
    You have come to the right place, I hope! I teach in a university and see first year students have all kinds of bumps in the road at the beginning, and the best first step is to talk about it. You sound a bit lonely -- I hope you make some friends who are in your classes to help motivate each other, complain together, but then get the work done. You'll feel so much better as soon as you get a couple of things done. Pick anything -- when the list is long, just do anything, and it will give you some encouragement.

    For the eating, I had an out of control problem for years, am 5'1" and just tracking on MFP without missing any days, being honest, and letting the bad days show up as much as the good ones helped. Even if you still have some bad days, the good ones are there to remind you it's possible, it feels good, and you can do OK without being perfect. At first I found that just taking one completely free day a week (as much as you want of anything!!) and one free meal (no longer than one hour!) per week made it easier to stick to a plan the rest of the time. Log before you eat on the "on plan" days and then stick to it. You can do it!

    I think you can get yourself on track. Boarding school is so "programmed" that you need now to find out how to regulate your own work habits. Time off happens, don't worry! Just get some things done first... I am sure your university must have a student help centre or learning centre where you can get support for time management -- give it a try.

    Good luck! You will find good things here -- just don't sit on MFP and not get anything done :happy:
  • hiddenconflict
    Options
    Thank you for all your quick responses and making it through that long post.

    I realize I may have come off as a bit of a recluse but I should mention that I hide these eating habits. I have made some solid friends on my floor and am usually hanging out with them during times I am putting my work off (haha)... the mini-binge sessions come late at night/during the day when I can hide it.