I Binged and I Survived (binge eating disorder)

Yesterday I ate a late filling breakfast and went to a wedding, thinking that they would have appetizers to subdue my hunger until dinner. That was a mistake, because the appetizers were the size of a quarter, piled a half-inch high, with a piece of shaved meat or sliver of cheese. One member of the wait staff walked around with a silver tray, serving the entire party. I met her twice…the second time with only one quarter sized appetizer left on her plate; it was raw salmon, no thanks. After eating my 1 appetizer, it was only 4pm and I was feeling very hungry. Instead of a table of finger food or sandwiches…half bite sized appetizers, they had a table covered in candy; lots of hard sugary candy and chocolate. At one time I would have been in binge-eating heaven. It would have been the perfect excuse to binge and I would have inhaled as much chocolate as I could with absolutely no control. This time it was different, I was hungry and knew I had to eat, but we were at a golf course in the middle of nowhere; so disappearing to grab something at a grocery store or even fast food chain wasn’t an option. In hindsight, I should have assumed the appetizers would not hold me over until dinner and I should have taken a snack. I didn’t, but I did have to eat. I avoided the candy table as long as I could by drinking glasses of water with lemon to fill me up before hand, so that when I did go to the candy table, my belly felt full instead of the emptiness I was feeling earlier. I watched as my Dad filled his pockets with candy and went outside to eat them, offering to get drinks for everyone at our table so he would have an excuse to pick up more candy. Later in the evening, he would bring the candy back to our table to make sure he wasn’t eating alone. These binge “techniques” were all too familiar to me because I used to do exactly the same thing. He has bulimia, binge eating disorder, OCD, and diabetes, so the four things together make for a difficult and possibly lethal combination. I managed to keep drinking water, avoiding the chocolate table, going outside with K while she smoked to give me something to do. The candy table wasn’t on my mind, I wasn’t being triggered because I knew there was a table full of candy and I could have it whenever I wanted. As K and I were chatting outside, my Mom came out with candy in her hand, excited about the news that there were paper bags for everyone to fill with candy and take home. I’m not sure if she told us to go get bags before it was all gone or I created that memory in my mind, but I was immediately triggered, not by my Mom but the idea that all of the candy that I knew was there might soon be gone. I could feel a little bit of desperation creeping up. “If everyone was filling up bags, would there be any candy left? Would all the candy be gone when I got inside? I’m so hungry!” My Dad came outside with a half eaten chocolate turtle..it was all I could see so I reached for it, asking if I could have it. I ate it and wanted another one. Now I was really hungry. We went to the table and picked up bags. I looked around…there were no chocolate turtled. My Dad came by to pick up more candy “Where are the chocolate turtles?” I asked. He told me they were all gone. My anxiety increased. K was there and other people were watching… stay in control. If I had been alone in that room, I would have started unwrapping and inhaling candy the second I knew those turtles were gone. What else would be gone soon? What had I missed that I didn’t even know was there?? I could stay in control while filling my bag, I didn’t want to embarrass myself. I inspected the wrappers, as if I was actually going to say “no” to them. Purposely picking up candies that I knew I wouldn’t want, only so I could put them back down and appear to have some sort of discretion. I do not. I’m just “clever” and have practice with this. I act out these stories for my audience without a thought; the pre-binge dance perfectly choreographed in my subconscious. Do I think I am fooling anyone? I stand at the table, 370 lbs and tell myself that I look as though I am in control, when I so obviously wear my eating disorder for the world to see. I think that it appears to everyone, and at times even myself, as though I am in control. I fill my bag 1/3 of the way with treats, my last attempt to control the oncoming binge. I feel proud of myself, knowing that I could have filled the paper bag all the way and nobody would have been the wiser. If all of the candy get’s eaten, it’s still OK, I have my bag of candy reserved. I have a couple chocolates in my hand, the bag is for later, and I go and sit down. I eat my chocolates slowly, enjoying the taste as I talk with my Mom and K. The bag stays about a foot and a half away from me on the table untouched as I keep returning to my water. I am able to say no to the bag, I don’t have to have that now. I also need to save it for a treat later. I decide that if I am going to have more, I have to suffer through the embarrassment of going to the table on my own; feeling as though everyone will be watching me. We continue to chat, take pictures, walk around, go outside so K can smoke, make trips to the bathroom from all of the water I am drinking, the candy going untouched. K reads the meal place card and mentions that dinner service is not scheduled until 8:30pm. That is hours away and I am hungry! What kind of madness is this!?!? Dinner at 8:30!?!? The three of us talk about how it must be a typo or perhaps a prayer or some other kind of service…we aren’t quite sure, so the question goes unanswered. I’m hungrier now. I reach for the bag of candy, peering into it to decide what I will eat. In an effort to minimize the binge, I commit to doing it infront of everyone there; their presence keeps me accountable. I grab a chocolate and put back the bag, believing that I’m not going to eat all of it. By Dad brings chocolate butterflies around. I eat mine, I eat half of my Moms..I watch K eat hers, wishing she hadn’t wanted it. I reach back into the bag, searching for different pieces, it’s no longer about the hunger, it’s about starvation. I feel like all of the food in the world is going to disappear and this has to be eaten RIGHT NOW. This lasts for about 15 minutes and an announcement is made that dinner will be served shortly; much earlier than the card suggested. I haven’t made it through the whole bag yet. I’m amazed. I close the bag as other guests come to the table. I realize that I don’t even like the taste of chocolate anymore. It’s probably a feeling that will fade away in the coming days but yesterday, today, the flavour of chocolate and candy doesn’t even appeal to me. It tastes too sweet and chemically..chalky sometimes. The flavour is nothing in comparison to the soup, the salad, the chicken we are having for dinner. Those are all tasty and satisfying. The empty candy wrappers scatter the table..they are wrappers from all of us, so I don’t assess the damage. In fact, I don’t feel guilty at all. Yes I ate more chocolate than I would have liked to, but I don’t feel like a failure for it. I don’t feel like a bad person. I don’t feel like the weight will never come off.

We get ready to leave the wedding and I take my bag of candy from my purse, planning to get some more chocolate. K grabs it from me, thinking it is hers. I tell her it’s not and she insists that it is until I explain that hers is still in my purse and I folded mine too. I go back to the table and take a few more pieces of chocolate. We drive home and wait for my Dad who has stopped to check something at his office. I get out of the car to get my chocolate that I put in the back of the car so I couldn’t reach for it while I was driving. Instead of having to grab mine, my Mom gives me her bag of candy to keep and I am excited to find out what treats she has that I didn’t pick up. I sort the chocolate and the hard candy, putting the candy I do not like back into the bag. I eat more chocolate while my Mom and K smoke. I’m still ok. I wish I wasn’t eating it, but somehow I enjoy the sensation of doing something I feel like I shouldn’t be. The chocolate covered almonds taste good. I’m still ok and I’m still not angry with myself.

K and I drive my parents home and make our way back to our apartment. I talk a little about the candy I have left over and what I will do with it. I ask her if she will she hide it for me so I can ask her for it when I want it instead of me trying to exist with a bag of chocolate on the counter. She asks me “What’s the point in hiding it if you search for it?” The question makes me feel like a failure and then I feel frustrated with her for accusing me of searching for it when I have stopped doing that; why doesn’t she believe me? I let it go because I realize I can’t make her believe me. If I do come across hidden candy when I am putting something away, once I know it’s there, I have trouble ignoring it. Once in a while I can keep it out of my mind, but most of the time if I find it, I end up obsessing until it’s gone. I can understand why she thinks I search for it, but it still annoys me. I’m sorry that it has to be this way for her, that she can’t keep candy/icecream/treats out freely and that I ask her to hide it from me, but I know that I can’t control myself around them and my only defense is to not have them around. I feel like she is disgusted in me so I try to talk to her about my eating. She doesn’t talk much. On our way inside, we run into our neighbour and end up chatting and laughing together for a couple hours. We come inside after midnight and I log my food, guessing that if I estimate “20 lindt chocolate balls” that will be close to what I ate. K tells me that I ate way more than that, and I say that I don’t think so and begin to tall everything up. I can remember it all, something I haven’t always been able to do during a binge. While I ate too much and felt like I couldn’t stop, I was still totally aware this time. I total everything up and my estimate was quite accurate, almost exact in terms of calories and sugar. I wonder how she sees me when I binge. If in her mind, I turn into some sort of monster devouring food. I hope it is only my idea about myself. She leaves the room as I total everything up and I call out how many calories all of the chocolate and treats totaled and she calls back, “That’s not bad.” I feel ok about myself, I can live with that.

I go to the bathroom to get washed up, feeling as though I should feel guilty for all that I ate, but I don’t. This is the first time that I haven’t felt anything. I don’t feel good about my choices, but I also don’t feel bad. I’m not disappointed in myself. I’m not angry. Somehow I have just accepted that I binged, it happened, it’s a part of my life right now, and that’s all ok.

K and I talk a little before we start the movie. I talk about how I could have made different choices and that if there had been different food there, that I would have. She agrees that they should have had more food available, and I feel like she understands what I am saying. She’s not letting me off the hook and I don’t need to give up my control. I own my choices and reflect on them, knowing that I could have done better, but today it’s ok that I didn’t.

I woke up this morning feeling yucky and puffy, likely from the overload of sugar and salt. The feeling in my body reminds me that I binged, but mentally, I don’t feel like I have. I know that for someone who hasn’t struggled with binge eating disorder, this might not feel like a huge accomplishment, but for those reading this who have struggled with it, I never thought I would get here. I never thought I would be in more control of my binges for one. That I would be able to plan so many ways to avoid it, and I especially never imagined that I could binge and not hate myself right afterward or the next day. Every day used to be a struggle. Every day I ate anything that wasn’t protein or green vegetables I hated myself for failing. I never thought recovering from binge eating disorder was possible and while I will probably never call myself fully recovered, I am watching myself slip into a healthier mindset. To be able to say I love myself after an eating day like yesterday is something I never thought would be possible, so if you are struggling with any eating disorder and feeling hopeless or defeated, know that it is a long process with a lot of slip ups, but it is possible to start feeling better about yourself and your hard days.