Wise beyond my years or still young and clueless?
StillChangingAmie
Posts: 46
in Chit-Chat
Honestly, marriage is terrifying to me. People cheat all the time, and are always looking for someone better. It's bad enough being dumped normally, but for someone to be just SO sick of you they would pay money just to leave you is not something I believe I could ever deal with.
It doesn't help that every couple in my family that I see at least once a year is divorced (aside from my newlywed cousin) and maybe that's effecting my opinion. Or maybe it's the 42% divorce rate. Or maybe that everyone who's ever shown interest in me has gotten bored. I don't know. All I know is that I'm going to retire alone with 4 dogs and I might just be okay with that.
What's your opinion on marriage and the growing divorce rate?
It doesn't help that every couple in my family that I see at least once a year is divorced (aside from my newlywed cousin) and maybe that's effecting my opinion. Or maybe it's the 42% divorce rate. Or maybe that everyone who's ever shown interest in me has gotten bored. I don't know. All I know is that I'm going to retire alone with 4 dogs and I might just be okay with that.
What's your opinion on marriage and the growing divorce rate?
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Replies
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I think you're too young to be what I may mistakenly think as 'jaded' I didn't grow up around people who had healthy relationships, so I was always clueless. I gave marriage a try, failed once, going good for 10 yrs on #2.
I wouldn't call it clueless, just basing your opinion on limited data.0 -
**** happens.0
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I know where you're coming from. However; I've been married for 27 years and it's hard. I think it should be difficult to get a divorce, it's just too easy to get an annulment, dissolution, divorce these days. I think if it were harder to no longer be married, maybe people wouldn't rush into marriage like they do. However; most of my family is divorced or on there second or more marriages. I think it's crazy, and no you are not clueless. Just cautious.
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Its not 1950, make the first move. As for the divorce rate, women don't have to be a stepford wife like they did in the past, so they are more independent and actually thinking about what they really want.0
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I don't think anyone goes into a marriage thinking it might not last. I'm pretty sure every bride stands there convinced that this will be forever.
But things change. People change. Circumstances change.
So I don't think making divorce more difficult would alter the position.
And I may be biased, having been married 3 times, but what exactly is wrong with a high divorce rate?0 -
I'm going to die alone with a turtle (the man will die many years before me)... probably in one of those situations where my rotting corpse is discovered only accidently after a neighborhood kid breaks one of my windows and the stench can finally reach the outside world. I'm ok with that.
As for marriage, I don't judge others if they want to but I don't find it necessary. I've been with the man for 7ish years and living together for most of that. People will always as when we're going to get married. Why? There won't be any children to benefit from the legalities that come with marriage, I'm not religious and my father is not in need of any goats (I may be big headed, but I believe I'm worth at least a couple of goats) so I see no reason to get married.
Plus, it only makes it more complicated to leave when I grow bored of him
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A divorce is not a failure. Splitting from a partner is just that: a split. It doesn't change the past, it doesn't zero out any good times you had with someone. It doesn't erase all the things you learned, gained, gave willingly, etc. I think your priorities are in the wrong place. Live for today and enjoy your life and 100% enjoy all your friends and lovers. If you focus on divorce because it might happen why not just focus on something that will 100% happen: death. Why bother eating if you are only going to die someday? See how silly that is?0
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I don't see why the options are marriage or being alone. Realistically, legally committing yourself to someone for EVER is a bat**** crazy concept.
That's not spoken as a love-hatin' cynic, but if it wasn't the norm why would anyone ever say "Y'know what honey, this loving eachother is great and everything but I really feel like we need to get the government and/or church in on this little thing we got going on, just to make it REALLY special"0 -
Been married about 42 yrs ( since I was 20 yrs old) and what I seem to see nowadays is that nobody wants to stick around and work through their problems. Divorce is too easy and that's what everybody seems to settle for. A good marriage is well worth it, but you gotta be willing to fight thru the rough spots and not be a quitter.0
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I agree! People give up too easily. Unless there is abuse or really hateful/illegal behaviors going on, it is work to stay interested and engaged in your marriage. We have been married 18 years with struggles and great times but you just have to decide to keep at it.Been married about 42 yrs ( since I was 20 yrs old) and what I seem to see nowadays is that nobody wants to stick around and work through their problems. Divorce is too easy and that's what everybody seems to settle for. A good marriage is well worth it, but you gotta be willing to fight thru the rough spots and not be a quitter.0 -
Been married about 42 yrs ( since I was 20 yrs old) and what I seem to see nowadays is that nobody wants to stick around and work through their problems. Divorce is too easy and that's what everybody seems to settle for. A good marriage is well worth it, but you gotta be willing to fight thru the rough spots and not be a quitter.
I agree completely. Frankly though, I find your comment that people are always looking for something better much more disheartening than your fears about divorce statistics. I've been married for 19 years. No divorces for either of us. My parents just celebrated 46 years, his parents are at nearly 51. His brothers are at 20 eyars and 17 years. My sister just celebrated her 12th anniversary. My other sister is gay so she can't get married in MI (bunch of BS!) but she's been with her girlfriend for over 13 years.
Really a 42% divorce statistic doesn't bother me. I think it's very high but the vast majority of that statistic aren't people who dated for years, got to know each other, have no substance abuse problems, aren't violent, and were mature enough to get married when they got married. If you discount those people I'd bet the divorce rate would be closer to 10%. In fact, of every person I know personally who got divorced either they or their former spouse fall into one of those categories.0 -
I don't think anyone goes into a marriage thinking it might not last. I'm pretty sure every bride stands there convinced that this will be forever.
But things change. People change. Circumstances change.
So I don't think making divorce more difficult would alter the position.
And I may be biased, having been married 3 times, but what exactly is wrong with a high divorce rate?
SERMON : Yeah, I think you're bias. You're right; things change, people change and circumstances change, BUT, you go into marriage understanding that there's gotta be give and take and hard times will be there. Nowadays, when times gets tough, I think too many people don't want to meet their spouse half way or be willing to say they made a mistake or say they are sorry. What is wrong with a high divorce rate is you got alot of kids growing up in 1 parent families and we're seeing the results in schools everyday0 -
For me, my marriage is forever. When we piss each other off, we cool down and figure out what the problem is/was.
I don't poop on people who've split up or divorced.0 -
Been married about 42 yrs ( since I was 20 yrs old) and what I seem to see nowadays is that nobody wants to stick around and work through their problems. Divorce is too easy and that's what everybody seems to settle for. A good marriage is well worth it, but you gotta be willing to fight thru the rough spots and not be a quitter.
I agree completely. Frankly though, I find your comment that people are always looking for something better much more disheartening than your fears about divorce statistics. I've been married for 19 years. No divorces for either of us. My parents just celebrated 46 years, his parents are at nearly 51. His brothers are at 20 eyars and 17 years. My sister just celebrated her 12th anniversary. My other sister is gay so she can't get married in MI (bunch of BS!) but she's been with her girlfriend for over 13 years.
Really a 42% divorce statistic doesn't bother me. I think it's very high but the vast majority of that statistic aren't people who dated for years, got to know each other, have no substance abuse problems, aren't violent, and were mature enough to get married when they got married. If you discount those people I'd bet the divorce rate would be closer to 10%. In fact, of every person I know personally who got divorced either they or their former spouse fall into one of those categories.
Amen to both of these!!!!0 -
If you love him truly and see forever, go for it. But if you are thinking about cheating and are fearing the process, maybe it isn't for you yet. Maybe you should go another inch to see if the relationship is worth it and then go for it. I am not married but so often do I see ,arriages ending so abruptly because the parties involved weren't patient enough to deal with the other party but my parents, 42 years now. Still, I don't know if it is something for me. If it is, only God knows and I'll let him lead. Sometimes you should let go and let God lead the way.You will know because he will show you.0
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I'm 25 and I've been married 1.5 yrs ... and I was the bride that said... "I don't know if we can make it forever, but I want to try" ... If you say "yes" and think of the rest of your (married) life as this perfect amazing honeymoon, you're setting yourself up for trouble.. life is hard..
Live your life- you're young and at this point you've probably got plenty of life experiences to go through before you feel ready to be in a marriage... I think it's a good thing you're not really interested.
(I didn't feel interested in marriage until I was 22)
BTW: I love my husband!!!!!
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my parents have been married for 15years now and I guess their marriage works for them, personally I would never want that sort of marriage, I'm a tad old school but also a romantic...I think my ideology of love could potentially be unrealistic and finding someone with the same sort of belief is highly unlikely but I don't think I'd ever be able to settle for anything less.
I know of an elderly couple, in their 80s who were childhood sweethearts got separated for some years then re-united etc, but they never got married and been together for 60years with kids and grandkids, just never married ... to me thats more ideal . I personally think in this day and age people either rush into marriage or don't really truly understand what they are getting into - marriage isn't as simple as mills&boon and some people just aren't prepared for the work,
I believe a marriage shouldn't really change anything but be a certificate of ones commitment but doesn't mean one isn't committed without this and I'd most likely chose the no certificate but full commitment still0 -
What's your opinion on marriage and the growing divorce rate?
Marriage can be awesome. Too many people rush into it without really getting to know their partner, and too many people give up too easily. Marriage requires both people to be invested in fostering the relationship.
I married too young, too fast. Divorced in 3 years.
Remarried older, and slower. We celebrated our 11th anniversary yesterday.0 -
All I know, that my divorce was not my plan. You cannot make another person stay...:ohwell:0
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Honestly, marriage is terrifying to me. People cheat all the time, and are always looking for someone better. It's bad enough being dumped normally, but for someone to be just SO sick of you they would pay money just to leave you is not something I believe I could ever deal with.
It doesn't help that every couple in my family that I see at least once a year is divorced (aside from my newlywed cousin) and maybe that's effecting my opinion. Or maybe it's the 42% divorce rate. Or maybe that everyone who's ever shown interest in me has gotten bored. I don't know. All I know is that I'm going to retire alone with 4 dogs and I might just be okay with that.
What's your opinion on marriage and the growing divorce rate?
Marriages fail just like diets fail! You have to decide whether you're in it for the long haul and all the ups and downs along the way or if you're in it for instant gratification and immediate results.
Marriage can and does hit awfully boring patches (that can last weeks, months, years), which I guess you could compare to plateau stages during weight loss. Nothing moves, nothing happens, nothing changes. Then you (or your spouse) does one thing different or more or less and boom! the ride gets totally cool and interesting again.
I don't buy into the love conquers all deal. Marriage is a lot of work on a daily basis and it's a partnership. There is only so much slack one person can pick up so y'know, give a lot, receive with gratitude, be patient, be tolerant and don't do to the other what you know will hurt him/her terribly.
Other than that....piece 'o cake 0 -
Take your time... nothing wrong with waiting until your 30's to get married. You have your whole life ahead of you at only 18, define yourself first before any sort of serious relationship... you'll be glad you did. Some ppl lose themselves in a marriage/relationship because they didn't figure out what was important to them in their lives first before they jumped in to join someone else.
xo0 -
I completely agree with you.Been married about 42 yrs ( since I was 20 yrs old) and what I seem to see nowadays is that nobody wants to stick around and work through their problems. Divorce is too easy and that's what everybody seems to settle for. A good marriage is well worth it, but you gotta be willing to fight thru the rough spots and not be a quitter.
People forget that a healthy great marriage takes work from both parties.
My husband and I have only been married a year after being together for two. In the first year of marriage we have battles through his depression, lack of sex drive and lose of his job and him going back to school. I know there are plenty of couples who would have split by now. If you truly love and Respect your SO then there will be times, hardships, sickness to battle through.
I think people forget what marriage vows are, maybe because they make up their own.
For richer for poorer
In sickness and in health
Forsaken all others
If you a truly open yourself to your partner than you can have a wonderful marriage
I like to tell my husband that we are getting a lot of the sickness and poorer out of the way before we have our family. :-) :-)
I would still marry him again today even knowing the very rotten first year of marriage we would share.
And that is coming from a woman whose parents divorced, I still have faith in my marriage because we both work at keeping it strong.0 -
I think if you can find someone with whom you are confident that they will do whatever it takes to solve any problems with you, AND you want to have kids together, it is worth getting legally married. Otherwise, not so much.
Well, there are some other criteria in my head, to be honest, but for me the big one is about wanting kids, and beneath that are things like, is this the person who would take care of you (or at least manage your care) if you had a stroke that left you with brain damage, or something like that? If so it will make things a lot easier if they are your spouse, because they will have more hospital visitation privileges, and will be able to put you on their health insurance without facing stiff fines from the government.
This is not to say that there's anything wrong with doing the marriage thing. I did it. But if I didn't want a bunch of kiddies I doubt the concept of having the government sanction my relationship would appeal. I don't need those guys! And neither does anyone else with a stable marriage. But, if you have kids, one of you might stay at home for a while, or work part time, and then it helps to file your taxes jointly. And all those medical reasons I listed above, should anything happen to you or your kids.
All that said, I think that having a relationship where "when we piss each other off, we cool down and figure out what the problem is" is a pretty invaluable experience. And when you go through something really hard in life, it is potentially life-saving to have a steadfast companion who you know has made a deep inner commitment to stick by your side. I was ousted from a job in a crazy political upheaval, and lost a huge community that had become my entire social life -- having my partner by my side at that time was so important. And when our baby went through his first 4 surgeries, having made a logistical agreement of some kind about how we would handle things, was critically important -- if we weren't committed to each other, from within, that logistical arrangement might have felt very unfair. We didn't need to be married by the state in order to do this, on any level. We just needed that knowledge inside that we were in it together. Why would any government or church be able to say anything that would make that "more" somehow? And if a couple "needed" that stamp of approval, emotionally, I absolutely think that they are not ready for marriage and need to back down and figure out where that need is coming from.
As for the divorce rate, I've read that statistically the generation that has the highest rate is the boomers, and since then it's actually going down. Used to be impossible to get divorced and so frowned upon. In the boomers generation, it was possible to get divorced, and really super important to get married, and people were marrying younger. Now it's possible to get divorced, but also possible to live together and just not get married if it doesn't seem like the thing to do for whatever reason, so fewer couples get married, probably including some that have correctly estimated that they shouldn't. I know a lot of people still marry who perhaps would be a little better off if they hadn't, and hopefully those guys can get divorced and move on to what's right for them... but I don't think you're jaded. I just think the whole context of marriage in our culture is changing a ton.0 -
my parents have been married for 15years now and I guess their marriage works for them, personally I would never want that sort of marriage, I'm a tad old school but also a romantic...I think my ideology of love could potentially be unrealistic and finding someone with the same sort of belief is highly unlikely but I don't think I'd ever be able to settle for anything less.
I know of an elderly couple, in their 80s who were childhood sweethearts got separated for some years then re-united etc, but they never got married and been together for 60years with kids and grandkids, just never married ... to me thats more ideal . I personally think in this day and age people either rush into marriage or don't really truly understand what they are getting into - marriage isn't as simple as mills&boon and some people just aren't prepared for the work,
I believe a marriage shouldn't really change anything but be a certificate of ones commitment but doesn't mean one isn't committed without this and I'd most likely chose the no certificate but full commitment still
^This.0 -
What is wrong with a high divorce rate is you got alot of kids growing up in 1 parent families and we're seeing the results in schools everyday
Yeah, because kids growing up in a house where their parents aren't happy or hate each other is *so* much better. Divorce doesn't equal crappy parenting.
Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for everyone who married their childhood sweetheart and have been together for decades. But life ain't that simple for everyone. People change, people grow, and sometimes they grow in different directions. Major life changes can dramatically alter a person's outlook and direction. Sometimes the best decision for both is to say "Well, we tried, but it's best if we go our separate ways and try to find what truly makes us happy."0 -
You're 18. You should not really even be thinking about this. Relax. Enjoy life!0
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What is wrong with a high divorce rate is you got alot of kids growing up in 1 parent families and we're seeing the results in schools everyday
Got any studies to support your claim?0 -
what exactly is wrong with a high divorce rate?
Does pretty nasty damage to your finances, for one thing.0 -
my parents have been married for 15years now and I guess their marriage works for them, personally I would never want that sort of marriage, I'm a tad old school but also a romantic...I think my ideology of love could potentially be unrealistic and finding someone with the same sort of belief is highly unlikely but I don't think I'd ever be able to settle for anything less.
I know of an elderly couple, in their 80s who were childhood sweethearts got separated for some years then re-united etc, but they never got married and been together for 60years with kids and grandkids, just never married ... to me thats more ideal . I personally think in this day and age people either rush into marriage or don't really truly understand what they are getting into - marriage isn't as simple as mills&boon and some people just aren't prepared for the work,
I believe a marriage shouldn't really change anything but be a certificate of ones commitment but doesn't mean one isn't committed without this and I'd most likely chose the no certificate but full commitment still
I hope you find that perfect man that meets all your dreams. No reason to think he isn't out there. I have to ask tho, if a couple IS COMMITED, then what is the problem with putting that committment on paper?
My wife and I still like doing little things together. We take weekend vacations a couple times a year even if they are in our own city just staying at a hotel and going to dinner and a movie. Those little getaways reduce stress and allow you to have some fun together. It's worked well for us.
Is there anyone out there that thinks a home with 2 loving parents; a father and a mother, isn't the most ideal option for a child growing up? Not saying a gay couple or a single parent can't do a fabulous job, but under the same conditions, allowing a child to get the perspectives from both a mom and a dad seems best to me... I know some will disagree but that's OK too.; just my opinion ...0 -
I have never really understood the whole "Why get married? You'll just end up divorced anyway" argument.
That makes about as much sense as "Why live? You'll just end up dead anyway."
People get married (hopefully) because at the time, it seems like a great idea. They are (hopefully) in love, and they want to make a deeper commitment. If the day comes when they can no longer honor that commitment, they end the marriage. It's better than staying in the marriage when you really want to end it, which is what people did before divorce became more socially acceptable.
I'm married; we got married in 2010. We plan to spend the rest of our lives together. And even though we're both children of divorced parents, and this is his second marriage, and plenty of our friends are divorced, we still fell in love and got married anyway. Because we also both knew people (our grandparents) who were very much in love and stayed in love for decades, and grew old together and showed us what real love means. So yeah, there are some bad examples out there. Try focusing on the good ones, and keep your heart open to possibilities.0
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