Something Funny

A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM



If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine



Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my husband purchased a week of personal t ra ining at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.



I called the club and made my reservations with a personal t ra iner named Christos, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.



Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encou ra ged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

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MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christos waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!



Christos gave me a tour and showed me the machines.. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!



Christos was encou ra ging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around.



This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

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TUESDAY:

I d ra nk a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christos made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.

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WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pecto ra ls. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Christos was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christos put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christos told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other **** too.

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THURSDAY:

*kitten* was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes.

He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ra n and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny ***** to find me.

Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank.

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FRIDAY:

I hate that *kitten* Christos more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbea ra ble pain, I would beat him with it.

Christos wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the d ra ma coach or the choir director?

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SATURDAY:

Satan left a message on my answering machine in his g ra ting, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven st ra ight hours of the Weather Channel..

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SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also p ra y that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!