Spouse isn't supportive in this...
Lisamb757
Posts: 35 Member
As in, not wanting to go to the gym together(which isn't a big deal). He doesn't work out at all, and eats like garbage. My issue is that he brings the garbage around me and it's in the house and I'm tempted and have terrible self control. It's easier when he is gone, he is in the military, and i have tried to tell him how important this all is to me, how much it would mean to me that he would do it with me and stuff but it doesn't get to him. I feel like its almost a lost cause. Fitness is very important to me and I want him to be healthy too. He is proud of himself for hitting 200 lbs, but its not muscle weight at all! It kills me!!
Maybe this is more of a vent session, but does anyone have advice or tips from personal experience with this issue?
Maybe this is more of a vent session, but does anyone have advice or tips from personal experience with this issue?
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Honestly, I think many can relate... but if you truly want to succeed, you just have to get past it and do this for yourself. I know it's hard, but think about how much better you will feel when you know you had the strength to get past those temptations. You can do this, just keep at it. People aren't always in the same place at the same time, frustrating but true. Best of luck on your journey.
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If he was being an unsupportive *kitten* my advice would be different, but honestly it doesn't sound that hes being unsupportive, just that he doesn't want to do the same thing as you? It does make it harder, but he is allowed to eat whatever junk he wants, unfortunately I think you are just going to have to work on your willpower.0
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If he was being an unsupportive *kitten* my advice would be different, but honestly it doesn't sound that hes being unsupportive, just that he doesn't want to do the same thing as you? It does make it harder, but he is allowed to eat whatever junk he wants, unfortunately I think you are just going to have to work on your willpower.
^^ this ^^0 -
I can relate. My spouse isn't all that fit or supportive. He eats like crap as well. When I bring up the subject of the gym he says a smart *kitten* remark and walks away. I even bought him a pair of running shoes to go walking (that was a month ago). My advice is to make your own food and do not give into whatever he brings. I stopped caring what he thought and stopped asking him to do things with me. I walk by myself and eat foods i want to eat. When we go grocery shopping I only buy what I eat and he buys his own stuff. I refuse to buy his junk food. Hope this helps you.0
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I think you just have to decide what you want to do and let him decide what he wants to do. Temptation is everywhere. You can't really blame anyone for what you put in your mouth. And you can't make people do things they don't want to.
I have 2 kids and live with my husband and in-laws. Recently there's been mooncakes, chocolate chips, ice cream, all sorts of things in the house. I want to lose weight more than I want those things. If I feel I really must, I'll have just a tiny bit, but that'll be it. If you're sitting down together to a movie, you can always fix yourself something low-cal, like popcorn.0 -
Lisa, first I want to say how sorry I am for the "lack of support" your husband is showing.
Point 1: While I do not know what he is thinking, I dont know if what he is doing is intentional. ....... Unless he has stated what you are trying to do isn't his bad of tea, etc. I for one support my wife whole heartedly in her weight loss goals. I personally feel it is a morally correct thing to do.
Point 2: What you eat is TOTALLY on you. I can understand the lack of will power, yet will power is developed. YOU must put the better foods in your body. As you develope will power and start to obtain results, this may influence him to start doing better.
Point 3: Try communicating with him in a way that isn't demading or atacking TO HIM. In other words, if he receives what you are saying as an attack, that is how he will respond. Speak in "I" statements.This will difuse any feeling of being attacked.
Point 4: if he is truely proud of reaching 200 pounds and is on active duty military. ......... As a naval veteran, I can assure you if he does not maintain certain levels of fitness and health, HE CAN BE MEDICALLY DISCHARGED from the military.
I hope some of this helps. Feel free to add the "old swabbie" as a friend if you desire to.0 -
I live and have lived with my fiance for 4 years now. This is man 160 lbs ..maybe! He can eat what ever... and I mean what ever. Pasta, bread, cakes, pies, rice, cookies... every day all day. And does not gain a pound. I have known him since 1995!!
My point is .. I can force him to live my life. Because he shouldnt have to eat what I eat. If he doesnt want to .. he doesnt need to.
Yes its hard when my day of eating is over and he is still eating pound cake, cookies or candy. And all I have left is 67 calories. LOL
He shouldnt have to edit his eating because its not his choice. Yes its hard when we go to chick fila and I want everything he getting. lol but I cant always have it.
Now its different if he really needs to like he is obese, but hopefully when you start lose more and more weight he will want to join in. He probably doesnt take it seriously. mine didnt at first he thought I was going to give up but 4 years later Im still at it. :-)0 -
Not going to the gym with you is nothing to be concerned about.. that is chump change.... Im sure he gets enough activity working in the military.
You did not say in your OP how you have tried to ask him re: the junk.
The problem I see is that where you admit you still struggle, that is a behavioral issue you need to work on. You will always be around things/events/parties where those foods are going to be present. Its up to you to make the personal changes..... Perhaps your husband needs to be aware by being blunt... dont hint, dont joke, dont beat around the bush... tell it like it is. After all, he takes orders from his commanding officers... they dont give him half-orders, its given directly.
You need to be direct with him. But, your husband should not have to feel like he cant be comfortable in his own home if he wants to splurge on a bacon double cheeseburger (or whatever it is he eats). You too, have to commit to changing your own eating behavior issues as well. So, in actuality, its the both of you who truly need to work together on this as a team.0 -
It's really too bad that even after stating your case to your man that you'd really appreciate his help regarding your fitness efforts. Only he can really say what his reasons are, and so I think you need a new course of action. Make some friends at the gym or find friends who will go with you. Form the support system you need. You've got us here online, and you could have a list of friends to call when you need to be talked off a binge ledge. Maybe once your man sees that he's been "replaced" in that capacity, he might be moved to take action. And if he isn't, well at least your needs are being met. Best of luck to you! 0
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What branch of the military? I ask, because I know in the Army, we were tested for physical fitness and this could ultimately put you out of the service if you didn't pass your test.
Now when I got out and went into the Reserves, it was a little different as we only met once a month and then did our drill in the summer (until we were activated for Desert Storm) and while we were still required to pass a PT test, it was a lot more "lax".
Sorry. I know this doesn't help, I was just curious.
Self-discipline is the hardest thing, especially when a spouse makes it harder. I struggled with this as well when I quit smoking (5 months now) and quit drinking soda. My wife still smokes and believe me, that made it that much more difficult to restrain my self. When I was at my weakest, I just tried to remember, and focus on my motivation for quitting and would sometimes just get out of the house and take a walk or try to do something away from the house and everything going on.0 -
I agree with the others that you can't force him to take an interest in what interests you. You have to make your own choices and let him make his. The path I take him my own junk food loving husband is to try and talk to him about what I've been learning and explain what I think is better or worse and why. Some things he has picked up and some things he still doesn't give a rats *kitten* about but those are his choices. When I make a meal, I get to make it my way. When I shop, I make the better choices. Eventually he's learned that some things actually taste better.0
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I live with my mom who brings all kinds of crap into the house. At the moment there are two packages of cookies, a pound cake and Hostess cupcakes sitting on my counter alone. God knows whats in the cabinets and pantry.However, my mom isn't the one trying to get in shape here I am, so it's up to me to not eat the crap. Is it hard? Yes Do I always succeed in avoiding it? No. But its up to me to deal with it.0
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If he was being an unsupportive *kitten* my advice would be different, but honestly it doesn't sound that hes being unsupportive, just that he doesn't want to do the same thing as you? It does make it harder, but he is allowed to eat whatever junk he wants, unfortunately I think you are just going to have to work on your willpower.
^^ this ^^
This again. Sorry that you're not getting the companionship/support you feel like you need, but he doesn't have to have the same fitness goals as you.
You can't control him, but you can work to improve your willpower.
Good luck!0 -
Stay strong.0
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its not that hes being unsupportive. maybe because hes in the military and he doesnt get to eat what he wants and he works out a lot he doesnt want to when hes home? (idk much bout the military so i dont know) but just stay strong0
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first thing..wow!!!..beautiful eyes
next thing...this is a very common thing, you just have to think about you and what you want and need. Afterall you are doing this for yourself and if he's not down with that then so be it really. If he brings home something you don't want, don't have it. If he isn't into going to a gym or doing workouts or whatever thats his choice. You however stay powerful no matter what the stakes and all will end well.0 -
His body, his choice. He's also in the military so I'd assume he's pretty active anyway, so eating as he does probably doesn't effect him negatively too much.
I'd just suggest pre-logging your diary so when you're tempted by a food you already KNOW it won't fit within your macros/calories, however you would have a snack/meal pre-planned that you could opt for instead. This seriously helps me a lot since my boyfriend is trying to bulk and eating like a maniac lol.
As long as he's not trying to 'force' you to eat the same junk as him, he's doing nothing wrong here. You've just got to work on learning to not succumb to temptation.0 -
My boyfriend is trying to bulk up and has to eat a lot, while I'm trying to slim down, so I can't. He has three cheat days and is doing something called 'carb back loading'. At the end of his workouts he can have high-carb, low-fat food. Fat free donuts, Low fat pizza, Fat free Ice cream.
I get a low fat frozen yogurt once day, if I've been a good girl. Lots of veggies, lean protein, and maybe a piece of fruit if I feel like it. I cheat once a week. I'll eat the meals I'm supposed to all day, but I'll have an extra meal, usually under 500 calories.
It is very hard when we have very different goals. I do want to tone and bulk a little in the distant future, but now? Different foods, different workouts... It is hard.
I just know that know food on the planet tastes as good as smaller waist feels.0 -
Tell him he better get on the exercise wagon or soon you will have more muscle than he does!0
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I'm ok with junk food in the house if I dont know its there or see it being eaten. If I know its there I will eat it. I can be a big *kitten* if someone brings crap in the house. And for the most part this is not an issue. 0
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I feel the same way. I always tell my husband "if i was a cocaine addict you wouldnt bring cocaine around me would you?"0
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I had a similar situation with me ex hubby (he is ex for a whole lot of reasons, not because of this) he just didnt want to participate and he wanted to keep eating the food he loved, but like its already been said its my journey not his, I had to do it for myself, I did too, lost loads of weight got fit. He never deliberately stood in my way, but didn't go out of his way to help either. In hindsight I am glad he didnt, because in the end I learned how to be more independent in my thinking and more decisive about my own personal choices.
In fact in some respects I am finding it harder with my new partner who is much more supportive and on same journey as me, because we both have similar goals but we end up debating and obsessing over what to eat , instead of me just getting on with my thing and him getting on with his..I know that sounds daft but there it is.0 -
"WHEN ONE PERSON IN THE FAMILY DECIDES TO GET BETTER, THE REST WILL FOLLOW"......
I heard this quote years ago in regards to "therapy" ....I remember I had to tell my husband ..."Look, this train is leaving...I am learning to take care of myself and you can either step on...or step off.....either way this train is leaving with or without you!"
He didn't like it but he did learn to change...now when I first started on MFP he tried sabotaging me a few times...eating chocolate bars and sweets right on front of my face (like 6 inches).....I remember being furious.......but he's come around and he is super proud of me and he will even go for walks with me. I know he's proud but he does struggle with being supportive.
We all develop our own roles respectively in our relationships....some healthy and sometimes not so healthy, but when one person decides to change the way things have always been done there is always an initial "upset" if you you will....but if you continue to be persistent and TAKE CARE OF YOU FIRST and just continue on the path you are on then people will eventually come around and the ones who don't....you may need to reevaluate their role in your life. I have definitely had to do this and it hasn't been easy.
Hang in there!0 -
Keep working on you, that's all you can do.
I am in the same boat. Husband (also 200 lbs) doesn't workout and doesn't care about how he eats. He also works very long stressful days- not excusing him because many people here do both but I've been a stay at home mom for a couple years and it's simply easier for me to focus on these things. Anyway in the beginning he teased a lot about making sure I counted every bite and wasn't supportive as in didn't want to hear about how I was progressing or what not.
We have talked about it and it really is jealousy. Jealous that I have the time. He also feels like I'm moving upward and he's in the same place (ironically I felt the same when I quit my job to stay home with my kids and he was getting promotions). They come around though and even if they don't this is good for you- don't stop.0 -
Do what you're going to do regardless of what he does. Period. Don't tell him what to eat, what not to eat, what not to bring around, when to workout, etc.
All that does is push him away, make him feel bad about himself, and resent you. Do what you are doing, eventually, maybe not now, maybe not a year from now, maybe not 5 years, he will make the decision to change for himself.
No amount of nagging/bi*ching is going to make him change his habits, trust me.
Do your own thing. Focus on yourself. You don't need a clone of you that has to do what you're doing in every aspect of your life.
Best of luck!0 -
I am going through the same thing...sad thing years ago, both husband and I used to both be really fit (we even met at a gym that I worked at). In the almost 20 years we've been married, I strayed from fitness and diet 3 times now and found myself very unhappy each time And 20 or so pounds overweigbt! My thought at the time was, he doesn't care, why should I? Husband gained 80 lbs since we first met! But I do care and I have to do this! Even if it is a journey without him. My husband brings home all kinds of junk food( ironically, my son plays all sports in h.s. and needs to gain weight!). You just have to have will power!! Make sure you have healthy snacks in the house for yourself! My husband will work out once or twice a week and then go a month or two no workouts. He just cant stick with it and says he's too tired to work out when he gets home from work. I keep telling him that eating healthy will give him more energy...he wont listen. I know how frustrating it is but you cant change your spouse! The only thing we can do is be a good example and hope that they will come around when they see the effect of a healthy, active lifestyle has on us! Good luck!0
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Thanks guys!!
My thing is, he brings me home candy and chips or other junk on his way home from work!! I've said to him flat out, many times, do NOT bring that home for me! Don't label it as mine, that makes it even worse.
Yes, he is active duty, he squeaks by on his PRT twice a year and that's that. His job is sitting around until a plane comes in, they usually play cards his whole shift. And his command does not have command mandated PT.
We do buy our groceries separately. I refuse to spend money on that junk and he will actually do his own shopping now. He has only gone as far as saying oh you spend less than I do on groceries. Oh, maybe bc my food is fresh and that includes some organic/ cage free/ whatever stuff too!
I still eat well and workout and "cheat" once In awhile and go out to eat or we will buy one of those two slices of cake things from the grocery store. It just really, REALLY sucks opening the cabinet for your protein powder and seeing Cheetos and ho-ho's!!0 -
I was liike your husband, always bringing chips, sweets, or high fat takeout home. Then I finally got on the health and fitness bandwagon iin July. Now I am the one who reminds her that she hasn't been to the gym in awhile, that she shouldn't be eating chips, etc...And, she is the one who sneaks junk food into the house from time to tiime.0
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I still eat well and workout and "cheat" once In awhile and go out to eat or we will buy one of those two slices of cake things from the grocery store. It just really, REALLY sucks opening the cabinet for your protein powder and seeing Cheetos and ho-ho's!!
I know how you feel, there's cookies, pies, candy galore in my house. Just mentally make that food not a possibility. Have YOUR food, and THEIR food.
Some people think everything is ok in moderation, but in this situation, I disagree. I know that if I eat one of THEIR cookies today, it opens up a can of worms. So instead I choose one of MY snacks.0
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