OVER WEIGHT FRIEND...

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taicampbell1
taicampbell1 Posts: 29 Member
in Introduce Yourself
I need a lil advice: I have a friend (my best friend) who constantly complains about the way she looks and how fat she is. I've tried numerous of times to get her to work out with me and to eat healthier. She'll start on the right path, but within a couple weeks she gives up. She looks at working out and giving up the junk food as a 'punishment', instead of a reward. I don't know what else to do. I've offerered to walk with her, ride bikes, workout dvd's, you name, but she always has an excuse...maybe tomorrow, I'm tired, my feet hurt, blahblahblah.

But what annoys me the most is when she calls me a 'health freak' (which I'm soooo far from). If we go out to eat and if I try to order healthy she gets all upset and says, I'm no fun and that I suck. A part of me thinks she wants me to gain the weight back that I've work so hard to loose. Does anyone else have this problem with a friend or family member??

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  • kayjay91
    kayjay91 Posts: 9
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    A couple of my sorority sisters are that way. I'll see them at lunch complaining about how big they are while they're eating a burger and fries. Then if they see someone getting a salad they'll say something like "youre not eating enough" or something.. I've lost almost 20lbs and my little sister told me I wasn't eating enough and when I'm trying to decide what to get for lunch will tell me to get something really heavy.. Its hard to hear that kind of thing, but in the end I think its partly jealousy because they havent yet found the motivation they need to make that step to become a healthier person and while they want to do that motivation just isnt there. They will one day.
  • Granny107
    Granny107 Posts: 14
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    I have my favorite Sister who is overweight.....a lot! I give her DVD's and she may use them once in a while. We all have free choice. We cannot "force" or "make" someone do something they are not ready to do. I don't want to label it as "jealousy" because frankly no one knows the heart of someone. I do however think perhpas your friend fears she is loosing her friend. With maybe the commonality of eating the same way is gone, perhpas she is feeling all alone. Maybe reassure her and tell her you are friends for life, she might start to come around. :love:
  • jcpmoore
    jcpmoore Posts: 796 Member
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    I think there's at least one in every group. Keep in mind, though, that your constant offers to exercise with her might be taken by her as nagging. Here's my recommendation-if she objects to what you eat, don't go out to eat with her. Offer to go shopping at the mall and keep up a brisk walking pace. Offer to talk a nature walk through a park with her. Find something that you can do that's for more then *just* exercise. She might be more interested if she doesn't feel that you are trying to force her to change, but are actually just interested in spending time with her. That might be part of why she's calling you names-something that's hurtful to you. If she calls you a health freak, ask her kindly not to do so. If she persists, then don't hang out with her.

    HTH
  • jrbb03092
    jrbb03092 Posts: 198 Member
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    Stop trying to help her. When she complains, make sympathetic noises but don't say anything beyond that. When she calls you a health freak, stop her cold. Say "look, I worked hard to get where I am and I want to stay here and you calling me names and making me feel bad does not help our friendship".

    You can't make the journey for her. You can be there when she really decides she wants to make it but until then, save your energy and don't let her walk all over you because she feels bad about herself.
  • BeingAwesome247
    BeingAwesome247 Posts: 1,171 Member
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    Stop trying to help her. When she complains, make sympathetic noises but don't say anything beyond that. When she calls you a health freak, stop her cold. Say "look, I worked hard to get where I am and I want to stay here and you calling me names and making me feel bad does not help our friendship".

    You can't make the journey for her. You can be there when she really decides she wants to make it but until then, save your energy and don't let her walk all over you because she feels bad about herself.

    ::SLOW CLAP::

    I love this response! Perfect.
    I had a friend who would complain about her weight but did nothing about it. One day she was going on and all of a sudden, I realized she was staring at me....I had zoned her out.
    I couldn't tip toe around the bush any longer: "If you don't like how you look and want to lose weight than stop eating so much junk and exercise...otherwise stop complaining about it."
  • miracole
    miracole Posts: 492 Member
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    Before starting my weight loss journey I was definitely one of those people who was looking for excuses to eat heavy/greasy foods guilt free and it was always easiest to justify it to myself when all of my friends were eating the same things. Whenever someone would make healthier choices it always made me feel guilty (or guiltier) for choosing the burger and fries over the salad.

    I think it's human nature to wish that we could fix everything that we don't like about ourselves without putting in any real work. When your friend sees you making healthy choices the "health freak" comment is likely just a backlash caused by her guilt. Whether you're are nagging her with it or not her conscience is saying "you really should be making a healthier choice too". She is probably very happy that you are being successful, she just isn't yet at the point where she has found the motivation to do it for herself. My best advice is to lead by example. When she is ready to make the change for herself, she'll come to you first for advice and support.
  • Ravenesque_
    Ravenesque_ Posts: 257 Member
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    I had a friend recently break down on me. Apparently she's been hoping I will quit dieting and put the weight back on, so that she can go back to being the 'sexier' one of us. She wants the low-self-esteem Me back, so she gets her confidence back.

    When I tell her how great I feel, she binges and complains I'm making her gain more weight. I gave her a present to make her feel better - Rosemary Connley DVD with a card saying 'No excuses' :P

    -shakes head-

    You can only lead a horse to water (or an overweight friend to the gym) but you cannot make them them drink!
  • lizziebeth1028
    lizziebeth1028 Posts: 3,602 Member
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    Sadly there is nothing you can do. I also have a obese friend who through the years has asked for my help only to come up with a bunch of excuses for not eating right or not exercising. She also falls for every fad out there. Her latest is that stupid Sensa stuff you sprinkle on food. She refuses to acknowledge that there is no magic pill out there and she's convinced she is obese because of some unique physical condition. Believe me...I've seen her pack away the food. She is obese because she eats WAY too much, not some special ailment. Until she accepts accountability and decides to change her life there is nothing you can do.
  • cheerforsteelers
    cheerforsteelers Posts: 686 Member
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    You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves first. I have a friend similar to this. She joined a gym after she saw me join one. We've worked out together and she admits she could probably lose weight if she put effort into it...she just doesn't. If we go out to eat together she'll comment and roll her eyes if I get something healthy or take a little bit extra time ordering things on the side that rack up calories. If she's dragging you down...you need to look at your friendship or have a talk with her about how she's treating your progress.
  • MinnieInMaine
    MinnieInMaine Posts: 6,400 Member
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    Stop trying to help her. When she complains, make sympathetic noises but don't say anything beyond that. When she calls you a health freak, stop her cold. Say "look, I worked hard to get where I am and I want to stay here and you calling me names and making me feel bad does not help our friendship".

    You can't make the journey for her. You can be there when she really decides she wants to make it but until then, save your energy and don't let her walk all over you because she feels bad about herself.

    THIS! I hear stores from one of my best friends (we'll call her Heidi) about a friend/co-worker of hers (we'll call her Amy) that is exactly the same way. Heidi is a part time personal trainer so Amy knows she has the perfect advice and solutions and Heidi has tried multiple times to help Amy but it's just not making a bit of difference. After about 2 years of this, Heidi has given up. Amy is in Heidi's group fitness classes and gets the same info as everyone else but Heidi will not continue to give her special advice or attention any more. I feel awful for Amy because I was in her shoes years ago and feel like if she heard just the right question or got just the right advice, she might finally have that aha moment but at a certain point you have to realize that some people just like *****ing about stuff and aren't really interested in fixing themselves.

    Also, I was your friend years ago...thought dieting and exercising sucked and nothing ever worked long term. Then I realized that deprivation was the root of all the failures I'd had so instead of trying to cut things out, I just cut down, made some minor substitutions and watched my portions - and of course tracking helped. I still eat the things I like (pizza, chocolate), I just eat less and make better choices. IF she brings up her dieting woes again, maybe you could advise her to take this kind of approach instead of donig the extreme yo-yoing over and over.

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