I want it back

blueandigo
blueandigo Posts: 296
in Motivation and Support
You know when I started college I had a lot of things with me. I had a fiance, I had this feeling of emptiness, and I had this feeling of ugly.

I fast forward to the second semester and I had a cheating ex-fiance, emptiness, ugly, suicidal, why am I here, etc.

Now I am in my juniour year. I don't have some of that anymore. I feel like the prettiest thing on earth, I feel like there's a purpose, I am hopeless sometimes. I've changed into The James that came out during my juniour year of high school. Just this friendly guy who everyone likes.


I don't like that. Believe it or not. I want those things back from my freshman 2nd semester.


I want that anger back, I want that ugliness, I am tired of being nice, cuddly, and kind. I want that feeling that the world is against me again. When I had those feelings, I was untouchable. I liked that feeling. Because when I would workout I could feel the tears being pushed out. I could vision the enemy in front of me when I would push.


I don't have that anymore.

I want those scars back.

I want that black heart back again.

I want the feeling of others being afraid of me again.

I want to go back to having no friends.

I want the dripping blood back.

I want the feeling of I am only living to see "The Dark Knight Rises" then I will die.

I'm like that musician with writers block.

Well I am a musician and I have that block because I have nothing to write for. And it almost seems like that with working out. I need to be hurt. I need something.

I want it back.

Replies

  • malicent
    malicent Posts: 127
    I feel you. Nothing else motivates me more.
  • iKapuniai
    iKapuniai Posts: 594 Member
    ... Why?
  • lalalalyndsey
    lalalalyndsey Posts: 565
    This post makes me a bit depressed. DO NOT LIKE! D:

    And Mal, wtf?!! I thought I motivate you?! lol ;P
  • malicent
    malicent Posts: 127
    This post makes me a bit depressed. DO NOT LIKE! D:

    And Mal, wtf?!! I thought I motivate you?! lol ;P


    :O!!! YOU DO!! I was just trying to be a bro xD y'know the whole revenge thing lol. It burns with passion and fuels us! :D
  • SopranogirlCa
    SopranogirlCa Posts: 188 Member
    Strange and odd post.
  • Valencia123456
    Valencia123456 Posts: 62 Member
    Have you tried realizing that you ARE invincible because of the good in you? Because millions of people walk around in a daze not knowing the evil that has taken over their heart and you are not part of those "lemmings" anymore? Have you thought about that God mad you unique and able to do what so many others cannot do? Your talents, your skills, your life is special you know how to change and THAT in itself is AMAZING--- PEOPLE DIE wanting and waiting to change and you have done it and still live!! You changed from darkness of heart to lightness of heart !

    I'm not a fanatic, but I was living in that same dark, turmoiled spot. The fact was that even though I thought i was invincible to people I KNEW I was a slave to the Evil spirits of this world!! Because that's the real slave master, the real enemy, the evil one. Knowing that God made me special and to be magnificent is what the evil one didn't want me to know. Don't you fall to His traps The mind is the real battlefield!! Accept what God says about you being: fearlessly created, being the head of all things, not the butt of people's thoughts, being above the stupidity of society, not beneath the trappings of needing hate to fuel your passions. Don't accept the weakness for NEEDING/ WANTING darkness !! I am so glad that God freed me from all the trappings of the evil one!!
    That in reading the bible I found out that all the time I thought i needed hate to push me along, that God made me strong enough to push others into good things and that He pushes me without me having to work for it!!! Don't go back, my friend.... take a step forward!!!!!!!! NEVER GO BACK!!!!!!!!!
  • jazzalea
    jazzalea Posts: 412 Member
    yeah I know how anger can fuel you......

    but it also consumes you from the inside..... you can have that same drive by focusing on the good in you.... and accepting it..... trust me.... it's not as big a rush... but it's better for you in the long run.... don't lose your life to anger and hate.... it's not worth living if that's all that's in there....

    :flowerforyou:
  • PunkyG210
    PunkyG210 Posts: 94 Member
    I'm not trying to be mean, but I honestly think that you may need some professional help. For someone to WANT to be miserable and angry and unliked, isn't healthy. I get the impression that you feel for whatever reason, that you don't deserve to be happy. Also that if you do get to a point where you're happy (whether real or acting) you feel guilty for it. It seems as though you feel you're worthless and that is not good nor true. Everyone deserves to be happy. It makes me wonder what could have happened to you that's causing you to have such low self-esteem and self-worth. It may be difficult but I really hope that you consider getting some sort of professional help to deal with these issue. I feel sad for you and I hope that you can eventually learn to value yourself.
  • malicent
    malicent Posts: 127
    yeah I know how anger can fuel you......

    but it also consumes you from the inside..... you can have that same drive by focusing on the good in you.... and accepting it..... trust me.... it's not as big a rush... but it's better for you in the long run.... don't lose your life to anger and hate.... it's not worth living if that's all that's in there....

    :flowerforyou:

    Yeah, definitely true. Hate is a poison. It's like a drug that gives you that high, gives you that rush. But in the long-run it exhausts, and even wastes you. See, the way I see it is, I can't wait to show up those who've crossed me or looked down on me in the past. Relationships and falling outs from back then, sometimes I'll think about it and it'll give me that drive, but like a cheap energy drink I almost always crash afterwards. You have to know how and when to use it.

    My focus is more so on myself, and looking towards the future. Instead of running towards your past and wanting to encounter all of that stuff, just remember where you've been and know where you're going. I like to think about how where I'm at today is a lot better, and those past experiences, for better or worse, helped shape me into the person that I am today. So no matter what, even if you throw all that bad stuff at me, I can always face them and triumph, because I'm stronger today than I was then. And with each passing day, I'm getting stronger, as long as the hate and anger is out of my system.

    So in a way, yes, anger and revenge are channeled and pump me up, but I'm happy with where I'm at now and where I'm headed. Like that woman said, it's not as big of a rush, but ditching that bad stuff is a lot healthier. Make peace with yourself so that you can make peace with others.

    Remember, you don't have to give up to let go.
  • Arexxx
    Arexxx Posts: 486 Member
    Um, go seek help? You sound quite depressed.
  • Dave198lbs
    Dave198lbs Posts: 8,810 Member
    another reason not to smoke pot and post
  • malicent
    malicent Posts: 127
    Anakin_vs__Vader_by_RabidArt.jpg
  • blueandigo
    blueandigo Posts: 296
    another reason not to smoke pot and post
    Too bad I don't smoke pot ignoramus.

    There was too much. Tests everyday last week and to start off the week two more. Plans not going right for me. I had a panic attack during one of my tests. It wasn't cool. It rained the whole week and I hate rain. It messes up my days. It gets lonely here. All the anger I've had for 15 years came back to me. It lead me to getting everything back. It led me to saying things I didn't mean to my love. It led me to a break down. I couldn't stop laughing and crying but I learned to be careful what I wish for. I don't want it back anymore. I saw first hand how dark I am really. But at least I figured out that I could punch a hole in these walls here.

    Even when you're taking these medicines, the demons inside can still come back to bite you in the *kitten*. Thank you all.
  • Valencia123456
    Valencia123456 Posts: 62 Member
    another reason not to smoke pot and post
    Too bad I don't smoke pot ignoramus.

    There was too much. Tests everyday last week and to start off the week two more. Plans not going right for me. I had a panic attack during one of my tests. It wasn't cool. It rained the whole week and I hate rain. It messes up my days. It gets lonely here. All the anger I've had for 15 years came back to me. It lead me to getting everything back. It led me to saying things I didn't mean to my love. It led me to a break down. I couldn't stop laughing and crying but I learned to be careful what I wish for. I don't want it back anymore. I saw first hand how dark I am really. But at least I figured out that I could punch a hole in these walls here.

    Even when you're taking these medicines, the demons inside can still come back to bite you in the *kitten*. Thank you all.



    That happens sometimes....I REAlly encourage you to read the Bible....It made my down times fewer and further apart until now when I feel the attacks coming I put on music that reminds me of God's promises and about who I really am (based on what God says) and the attacks don't even come!! Plus, i don't take meds!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's the best part!! I am FREEEEE!!!!!!
  • Dave198lbs
    Dave198lbs Posts: 8,810 Member
    they only come out at night

    amen

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