Unconventional Nordic Exercise

bukozki
bukozki Posts: 60
edited September 20 in Fitness and Exercise
Lo, there!

I am Hrothulf, son of Hrothdel, son of Hrofric, son of Ulfric, son of Urdelchai, who was the great-great-grandson of Grenhrothulchai, first king of the Geats-Men. As I sit here, drinking the finest mead upon my gilded throne, fashioned from the skulls of mine enemies and wild beasts and the feral and strange creatures of distant hinterlands, I am troubled by strange dreams. For you see, I am the strongest of all Geats, I stand amongst my men a mountain amongst a field of sturdy oaks, each of them possessing the strength of ten men and I the strength of ten of mine own. Lo, I possess the strength of ten men ten times, having nigh split the trunk of Yggdrassil the World Ash in twain, raising my sword Unfercus to the thunderous sky I made to smite the twisted trunk once more, but was restrained by Magni, son of Thor, strongest of the Asgard gods... and yet he trembled and gnashed at the strength of my fury. I relinquished only to the gods, for was it not I, Hrothulf, who swam the raging winter of the northern seas to face on open-water the dragon that slew Ulger, King of Orth, even as his sons crept about his kingly mantle, each fearing to wear the crown for the treachery of his own blood? Was it not I who claimed that throne? My ten Geats standing against the armies of Orth who had fallen under sway of Ulger's most cunning third born Lulricht? Was it not I, Hrothulf, who stood against Hrungortlok the nine-tusked boar, a beast the size of some lurching whale-beast, with tusks of iron and covered from snout to to tail with the barbed and poisoned quills we called Huntorgul? Have you not heard of these exploits? Surely you have, and now as I enjoy the spoils of war I, the king of the Geats and Orts, am troubled. For you see, I have completed mine food diary, inscribed upon this ledger are eight flagons of mead, five roast goats from which not but the cracked bone remain, the marrow sucked from their hollows, a dozen boiled roots and the seared heart and belly of the great stag of the wood, and having put all my feasts to word, I find I have exceeded mine calorie count. Mine settings are forged to speak of mine active lifestyle, however, perhaps the lives of ordinary postal-workers and peasant farmers are unsuitable for the Hero King of the Geats and Orts, yea they must be, for I have exceeded mine calorie count numberless times and yet each of mine arms is as strong as twenty men.

How shall I count mine exercises? Tipping the great stone idols of the gods of men I have crushed? Shall we call that push-ups? When I heft upon my shoulder the great corpse of Hrungortlok to bear back to mine throne room, shall I call it squats? Can Mine Fitness Pal accommodate mine feats, say the swim over the frozen northern seas which itself lasted 8 days, each way, and should I then list my battle with the dragon which slew mighty Ulger of the Orts and King of Orth as a separate workout? Or shall I log them as some manner of circuit training? Forsooth, though you might say to me, "Hrothulf, son of Hrothdel, son of Hrofric, son of Ulfric, son of Urdelchai, who was the great-great-grandson of Grenhrothulchai, first king of the Geats-Men and crowned King of both Geat and Orth, buy you a heart monitor, or take one from a fallen foe!" I say this! I have the strength of ten men times ten, mine heart is as strong as the rest of mine body, such things would burst forth their attempted perch upon mine tree-like limbs, their pieces falling to the ground as winter snow.

What say you now? How shall I count mine exercise calories? How shall Hrothulf, King of Geats-men, King of Ort-men, best quell these fearful dreams which predict some beast to come for him in the night, some beast whose name most men fear such that they dare not speak it, that monster which comes when men sleep to end their lives, that which is called... Congestive Heart Failure. How shall I battle this beast which uses mine hearty diet against me? Poisonous cholesterol! Vile antagonist! I loath the night you come for me, and so shall you! For I am the mightiest of all men, and mine heart the mightiest of all hearts.

I stand warning to you all.

((EDIT: I noticed my post about joining a vampire cult living in an amusement park got moderated. I would argue that I am exploring topics of weight loss and nutrition through absurdist allegory, and it bears at least as much poignancy and pertinence to this forum as favorite-food haikus--with which I have no beef--I'm just saying that there doesn't seem to be an expectation that every post provide or seek out information or support.))

Replies

  • jclguru
    jclguru Posts: 123
    Uhhhh,, drink more water?
  • Drink more mead you say? Surely then, I shall.
  • FireMonkey
    FireMonkey Posts: 500 Member
    First of all, congratulations on your ability to write. Most northern barbarians can't do that and have to rely on unscrupulous scribes or bards to record their adventures.

    You can log your calories from swimming for 8 days by converting the days to hours: 17854 calories for 24h, times 8 - pretty good! Not sure if you get a bonus for "icy water". But before you take another swing at Yggdrasil or dragons you should consider that these are endangered species. Sometimes you need to weigh the individual benefit of exercising against the greater good of the environment.

    Have you considered keeping score of your deeds in a blog rather than posts that disappear after a while?
  • KatWood
    KatWood Posts: 1,135 Member
    ((EDIT: I noticed my post about joining a vampire cult living in an amusement park got moderated. I would argue that I am exploring topics of weight loss and nutrition through absurdist allegory, and it bears at least as much poignancy and pertinence to this forum as favorite-food haikus--with which I have no beef--I'm just saying that there doesn't seem to be an expectation that every post provide or seek out information or support.))

    :laugh: Very well written
  • Dom_m
    Dom_m Posts: 336 Member
    Good point well made.


    (and that's the truest I've ever repeated this little phrase ;) )
  • FireMonkey, I hadn't really considered a blog because this is throw away writing, not something I'd put into a portfolio, just something I can do as a morning routine.

    Here is my seldom updated blog... http://perishthereason.blogspot.com
  • FireMonkey
    FireMonkey Posts: 500 Member
    Interesting stuff. I write for fun, but haven't got into blogging yet. One more thing to put on my list for "when I retire..."

    Cheers! :drinker:
  • ivykivy
    ivykivy Posts: 2,970 Member
    Well, it looks like you are consuming whole foods and a high protein diet at that. Don't forget about the thermic effect of food. Protein burns approximately 35% more calories than fat and carbs.

    In the southern united states we call mead "home brew" most of which doesn't have the alcoholic content of mainstream alcohol with the exception of moonshine (then again if you drink 3 flagons of moonshine, calorie count would be the least of your worries).

    Uh and tomorrow is a new day:tongue:
  • whyflysouth
    whyflysouth Posts: 308 Member
    When I read the title "Unconventional Nordic Exercise" I was expecting something else.... lol I sometimes wonder if there's a way to measure the calorie burn with... ha ha ha I guess if you wore a hrm to bed...
  • HonestOmnivore
    HonestOmnivore Posts: 1,356 Member
    ((EDIT: I noticed my post about joining a vampire cult living in an amusement park got moderated. I would argue that I am exploring topics of weight loss and nutrition through absurdist allegory, and it bears at least as much poignancy and pertinence to this forum as favorite-food haikus--with which I have no beef--I'm just saying that there doesn't seem to be an expectation that every post provide or seek out information or support.))
    I think I love you!
  • bukozki
    bukozki Posts: 60
    ((EDIT: I noticed my post about joining a vampire cult living in an amusement park got moderated. I would argue that I am exploring topics of weight loss and nutrition through absurdist allegory, and it bears at least as much poignancy and pertinence to this forum as favorite-food haikus--with which I have no beef--I'm just saying that there doesn't seem to be an expectation that every post provide or seek out information or support.))
    I think I love you!

    I forgive you.
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