Anatomy of a Potentially Self-Destructive Binge Averted

From the minute I opened my eyes at 4:32 a.m., this morning, I knew I was in trouble. In the 2 1/2 months since July 25, 2012, I have managed to avert the "Big Bingeroo" (sounds like fringe-eroo). You know-- that one terrible episode of shamefully tearing through my refrigerator or kitchen pantry or a fast food restaurant drive through and wildly packing my face in search of emotional calming. The kind of Big Bingeroo that formerly had me picking up a chinese food to-go meal so large that they gave me four sets of plasticware and four fortune cookies-- even though I knew that I intended to eat all of the food myself. The one Big Bingeroo that would finally confirm what that little taunting voice in the back of my mind has been saying over and over, on and off, for the past four-plus decades-- "You're weak. You think you can do this, but you can't. You're just not strong enough. Give in, sucker... you're toast (and I mean the kind that's slathered with butter)."

Like the Sumerian demonic deity named Gozer from the 1984 movie, "Ghostbusters," the Big Bingeroo can take on many forms. In the dark predawn hours of today, 10/11/12, it took the form of a seventeen story Baby Ruth bar. You know what I'm talking about. Chewy nougat, smoky sweet caramel and crunchy peanuts, all enrobed in a thick coat of deliciously sweet milk chocolate. Its image was wedged firmly in my head, and nothing I could do short of eating a baseball bat sized Baby Ruth bar, or perhaps several, would displace it.

I jumped onto MFP and furiously began reading other people's motivational and supportive posts. That helped, but Gozer was still lurking. I knew that if I was going to salvage my string of "Green Number Days" on MFP, I had to have a plan. And by the size of the Gozer that was roaming around in my head, it had better be a really effective one.

First, I thought about the most filling and nutritionally satisfying breakfast I could conjure up. Today, it was a five-egg white omelet with mushrooms, onions and green peppers, a sliced tomato, two dry toasted english muffins, my favorite hot sauce (cholula), lots of ice water and two cups of cinnamon flavored coffee with skim milk. No bacon, just in case I ran into calorie trouble later and needed the calories. For about 550 calories, that breakfast was packed with protein, fiber, complex carbs, and vitamins.

Next, I put 4 servings of holiday seedless grapes in a big ziptop bag. The grapes were 360 calories. I ate the breakfast, lingering over it so that my brain would get the message that my stomach was satisfyingly packed. It worked. I was so full that I actually left some of the eggs over because I couldn't eat them. I definitely didn't want the grapes yet. But the image of that damned building sized Baby Ruth bar was still squarely in the front of my mind. I drove to the Kroger supermarket near my office. I looked at the nutritional information on the bar. 280 calories. But what if it was not enough and I wanted more? That could easily run into 560, 840, or even 1020 calories just like that. Rather than tempt the Big Bingeroo any more than necessary, I decided to purchase a bag of fun sized Baby Ruths. The smaller bars were 85 calories each. Two would be 170 calories. Four would be 340 calories. Surely 4 bars would satisfy my craving. Right? Right???

I walked out to the car. I made the smallest opening possible in the bag and squeezed two bars out of the bag. As I unwrapped the first fun sized Baby Ruth, I made myself a promise. If I would wait five full minutes between bars, I would allow myself to eat up to 10 bars worth of fun sized Baby Ruths (850 calories). That would still leave me 1480 calories for the rest of the day plus exercise calories if necessary. I began driving the remainder of the way to the office. I unwrapped the first bar and popped it into my mouth. Rather than rapidly chewing and swallowing, I let the chocolate on the bar begin to melt and ooze all over the inside of my mouth. I slowly began to chew, savoring the chocolaty sweetness, caramel, nougat and crunchy, salty peanuts. I finished the first bar. 85 calories down. I drove the rest of the way to the office. Five looooooong minutes passed. I evaluated my craving and decided I needed one more bar. So I had it. The same slow, savoring way that I ate the first one. It was great. 170 calories down, 740 total for the day.

And then something weird happened. Where, just an hour earlier, I was wanting to tear through three or four full sized Baby Ruth bars, I suddenly realized that the mania that had swept over me had departed just as fast as it came on. By eating a lot of filling, nutritious, and satisfying foods, then waiting a while, then "giving into" my craving by eating a small amount of what I had been desperately craving, I destroyed Gozer. I no longer craved or even cared about Baby Ruth bars. And my numbers for the day are still safely and deeply in the Green Zone, at least for now. The remainder of the bag of fun sized bars? They are in the trunk of my car buried under books of continuing legal education articles. Could I get to them if I wanted them? Yes. Do I want to? No.

I took the following lessons from what happened this morning.

First, I acknowledged the craving, but also acknowledged the importance of what I am doing and have been doing on MFP. By immersing myself in MFP posts and making posts myself, I reminded myself of what is at stake in this battle for my body and soul.

Second, I told Gozer that he would get his Baby Ruth bars, but first, he'd have to slowly consume a nourishing, filling and satisfying breakfast.

Third, once my stomach was full from the nourishing, filling and satisfying breakfast, then and only then, I put myself in the presence of my craved desire.

Fourth, while I "gave into" my craving, I did it with the smallest portion (and hence the smallest number of calories) that would help me to destroy Gozer.

Fifth, I savored the items that were the object of my craving and desire instead of quickly snarfing them down as I would have done previously.

Sixth, I reassured myself that I would not stop eating Baby Ruth bars until the craving had subsided. In this case, because I was already full from breakfast, and had eaten the two fun sized Baby Ruth bars slowly, it was just those two fun sized Baby Ruth bars at a cost of only 170 calories.

As a result, of all of the foregoing, the craving is gone, Gozer is destroyed, my self-respect, dignity and progress remain intact, and I am fully ready to enjoy a productive day at work.

I have no idea whether what I did was "right," or whether it is "right for you." But I do know that for the morning of today, Thursday, October 11, 2012, it was the right thing for me in order to avoid a body swelling and psyche destroying binge. A binge that might very well have put me on a self-destructive path to gaining back what I have worked so hard to lose in the past 2 1/2 months.

What I did this morning is the difference between denial and self-control. If I had tried to deny the craving or starve the craving, it would have consumed me and likely destroyed me. Instead, I practiced self-control, and gave in to the craving, but in a controlled environment that limited the potential of any damage that it would do. As things turned out, there has been no damage at all. In fact, I feel pretty damned proud of myself.

If this post is ever helpful for you, please let me know by commenting below. That is the only payment or compensation that I get, and the only payment or compensation that I ever want for helping the people who have helped me so very much these past several weeks.

Scott R.