I really need advice.. that doesn't have to do with fitness

ar1ms
ar1ms Posts: 98 Member
in Chit-Chat
So basically, I am miserable right now. I feel like i have nothing going for me other than the gym and loosing weight and i am serious about that. I am in school but its not too exciting. Anyway, to get to the point, I have been seeing my boyfriend for a little over 3 years now. We met at the restaurant I work at, I am a waitress and he is a chef. I still work at this restaurant but he only worked there for about a year. We hit it off right way, i never thought anything would come of it because i didn't find him that attractive but boy was I wrong. He is my best friend and the person I love. Needless to say, he just got a brand new job called the Cask'n Flagon in my hometown. He works every single day except tuesdays from 10 am to 130 am. And he cannot text me, call me, nothing. It is getting so aggravating because I honestly feel like I am losing him and i don't know what to do. He is so happy at this new job he absolutely loves it and I am so proud of him but where does this leave me? He doesn't have time for me anymore. I can't deal with not talking to him he is my best friend. It hurts me so much because he has found a new love and i am just here. And i know he loves me and he said he still wants to be with me but he has to work. He is 22 and he has his own house so he has to pay rent, i just don't get why he has to work 24/7. He said he only works so much because it is a new restaurant and he is getting into the groove of things but still i am just so upset. We went from talking pretty much all day, everyday, to him texting me before he goes to work in the morning and texting me when he gets home. It is so hard not to say goodnight to him, or call him or text him when i just wanna talk about my day or just if i need him. It is making me miserable. And when i do talk to him i am just angry and we end up fighting. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. He thinks i am over reacting because it is just a job and he says it won't be like this forever but i know it will. This restaurant will be busy for at least a year. Also our relationship will never be the same as it was before because he is still gonna be working there every night regardless as to if he has a 'groove' or not.

I honestly don't know what to do, should i stay with him and stick it out because i love him and being with him makes me happy. Or should i move on and let him do his thing.. I AM SO CONFUSED :sad: HELP
«1

Replies

  • angelique_redhead
    angelique_redhead Posts: 782 Member
    Unfortunately you either deal or you move on. It's your choice. You have my sympathy. It hurts and it's hard. *HUGS*
  • tedsmama
    tedsmama Posts: 178 Member
    You will end up chasing him away acting like that. Unfortunately, people sometimes have to work hard to make ends meet and it makes it harder on them when they have to put up with a bunch of crap for it from their loved ones. Try to be more understanding and less selfish. Sounds like you've got some serious growing up to do.
  • ar1ms
    ar1ms Posts: 98 Member
    You will end up chasing him away acting like that. Unfortunately, people sometimes have to work hard to make ends meet and it makes it harder on them when they have to put up with a bunch of crap for it from their loved ones. Try to be more understanding and less selfish. Sounds like you've got some serious growing up to do.

    Excuse me i am grown up thank you. No need to judge me your post was very rude. I am trying to be understanding but he is understanding my feelings either. I am hurt and I won't hide my feelings.
  • delilah47
    delilah47 Posts: 1,658
    It's common for chefs to work crazy hours if they ever want to be more than a "cook" somewhere. Grow up and encourage him in his success. Find something to do with your time apart. Do something constructive.

    PS: If you are going to be a victim, you will drive him away. Enjoy the time you have together.
  • ar1ms
    ar1ms Posts: 98 Member
    It's common for chefs to work crazy hours if they ever want to be more than a "cook" somewhere. Grow up and encourage him in his success. Find something to do with your time apart. Do something constructive.

    I love him so its harder then it seems. I am more hurt knowing I can't talk to him so I almost think it would be better just to move on. I just don't even want to be dealing with this at all.
  • ILiftHeavyAcrylics
    ILiftHeavyAcrylics Posts: 27,732 Member
    If you want to stay with him then work on your own happiness. Develop a hobby, make some new friends, get out of the house. My husband is my best friend, but we're Navy so that means that out of every year we'll spend 6 months of it separated. No calls, no texts. I can send him email but he can't write back often. So I have to keep myself busy and happy while he's gone, because it's important to our relationship that he do what he loves. And he needs me to be supportive of him, not make him feel guilty for doing what he needs to do.

    Really regardless of who you are seeing you need to be able to function alone. It's never good to be so dependent on another person for your happiness. It's not good for you or your relationship.
  • rsellersCST
    rsellersCST Posts: 333 Member
    Sounds to me like you really are happy for him as a... friend... but not happy for him as in you truly love him as someone long term in your life. True love has an amazing way of making you feel secure even in absence. Maybe not for everyone, but I can honestly say... I KNEW I was actually in love the first time by NOT needing to be together all the time... not that I didn't want to be together... but rather that I wanted my love to do what was best for HIM and that was ultimately best for us... because true love... has more patience than you've ever known before.

    Personally... knee jerk reaction on this one... that places him into the... hey... it's been fun... and I hope you continue to be successful, but friends is all we can be category.

    I hope you find what you are looking for... :-)
  • delilah47
    delilah47 Posts: 1,658
    It's common for chefs to work crazy hours if they ever want to be more than a "cook" somewhere. Grow up and encourage him in his success. Find something to do with your time apart. Do something constructive.

    I love him so its harder then it seems. I am more hurt knowing I can't talk to him so I almost think it would be better just to move on. I just don't even want to be dealing with this at all.

    Well, I guess it's time for you to move on then. Hook up with someone who doesn't work and you will have all the attention you need.
  • tedsmama
    tedsmama Posts: 178 Member
    Lol!! I'm just sorry I read your original post from start to finish and wasted 30 seconds of my life.
  • horseplaypen
    horseplaypen Posts: 442 Member
    Unfortunately many people have no choice but to put their job before everything else to make ends meet. If your boyfriend doesn't work as hard at his job as he is, he may either lose his job or may be passed over for promotions or opportunities in the future. It sounds like the start of a whole career for him, and unfortunately as much as it sucks, it sounds like he can't afford to work less than he is right now, although I'm sure he'd love to have more downtime to relax and see you.

    Ask if he has a few minutes to give you a real phone call instead of just texting you, sometimes it's better to hear someone's voice then just a sterile text. And in the meantime, get some hobbies, seriously! Take up a new activity, challenge yourself, or help out people who need it. Volunteer at a pet shelter, or start something crazy like rock climbing. It'll get your mind off him, make the time go faster, and you'll make other friends to spend some time with.
  • ar1ms
    ar1ms Posts: 98 Member
    Lol!! I'm just sorry I read your original post from start to finish and wasted 30 seconds of my life.

    Seems to me like you don't have a life.
  • stacyhall79
    stacyhall79 Posts: 91
    Lol!! I'm just sorry I read your original post from start to finish and wasted 30 seconds of my life.

    seriously? If it was such a waste of your time, don't comment on it a second time...wow...
  • ar1ms
    ar1ms Posts: 98 Member
    Lol!! I'm just sorry I read your original post from start to finish and wasted 30 seconds of my life.

    seriously? If it was such a waste of your time, don't comment on it a second time...wow...

    THANK YOU!! seriously..
  • ar1ms
    ar1ms Posts: 98 Member
    Unfortunately many people have no choice but to put their job before everything else to make ends meet. If your boyfriend doesn't work as hard at his job as he is, he may either lose his job or may be passed over for promotions or opportunities in the future. It sounds like the start of a whole career for him, and unfortunately as much as it sucks, it sounds like he can't afford to work less than he is right now, although I'm sure he'd love to have more downtime to relax and see you.

    Ask if he has a few minutes to give you a real phone call instead of just texting you, sometimes it's better to hear someone's voice then just a sterile text. And in the meantime, get some hobbies, seriously! Take up a new activity, challenge yourself, or help out people who need it. Volunteer at a pet shelter, or start something crazy like rock climbing. It'll get your mind off him, make the time go faster, and you'll make other friends to spend some time with.


    Thank you for this advice. it was very helpful.
  • ahamm002
    ahamm002 Posts: 1,690 Member
    Remember that guys are a bit different from girls in some ways. Most men don't like to sit around talk on the phone for hours every night (especially when they're really busy with work).

    Way back before I was married, my girlfriend (who is now my wife) used to want to talk on the phone for at least an hour every night. It got to the point where I started just not answering the phone when she called. Of course that really pissed her off, but it doesn't matter how much I love somebody, I'm not going to talk on the phone every night for an hour.
  • MinMin97
    MinMin97 Posts: 2,674 Member
    Remember that guys are a bit different from girls in some ways. Most men don't like to sit around talk on the phone for hours every night (especially when they're really busy with work).

    Way back before I was married, my girlfriend (who is now my wife) used to want to talk on the phone for at least an hour every night. It got to the point where I started just not answering the phone when she called. Of course that really pissed her off, but it doesn't matter how much I love somebody, I'm not going to talk on the phone every night for an hour.
    Yes, good perspective.
    Really, you should focus on achieving things in your life, and let relationships take a back seat.
    You're single....use this time in your life to do things you won't have time for later
    He's NOT the only man you will ever find attractive and compatible.
    Maybe there is someone else with whom your life would be more productive and happy?
    Develop yourself and stay goal/task oriented.
  • Kym1610
    Kym1610 Posts: 328 Member
    Okay to be honest I think you are over reacting. He has bills to pay and is probably trying to save money as well. Be supportive and try and make the time you do get to spend together special
  • kimothy38
    kimothy38 Posts: 840 Member
    Gees, what a lovely bunch of supportive people on here NOT! Mental note not ask for advice from MFP. I can understand where you are coming from cause it must be such a big adjustment for you as we'll as your BF. chefs do work crazy hours so are you really prepared for that? The long hours (an understatement) might be temporary but what if its not? He might be prepared to sacrifice your relationship to further his career - where does that leave you. Can you take up a hobby, do volunteer work, or take on extra hours to give yourself something to do rather than be lonely? You need to give him some time but need yourself occupied. Best of luck.
  • Oishii
    Oishii Posts: 2,675 Member
    Tell him you NEED to speak daily, even if only for 10 minutes, if that is what you need. Yes, he has a job, but he CAN spare 10 minutes. Explain that if you get your 10 minutes you will be a lot less likely to be grumpy when you do speak to him.

    If he wants to call all the shots and refuses to give you 10 minutes a day, he's not the one!
  • kcoftx
    kcoftx Posts: 765 Member
    I've been here, as a married woman. My husband and I saw each other 15 minutes per day as we were passing. We had opposite shifts. We had one day a week every week that neither of us worked. We spent half of that day with just family and a few hours that night socializing with friends. Literally this is how we spent 4 years. There were some weeks that day off couldn't be spared or we changed it up because we needed more time together or something else popped up. For the most part, however, it was pretty set. This was our compromise to make it work. We worked out a schedule. Naturally we had to be flexible but at the same time, we had to make that time work.

    It sucked. I won't pretend it didn't. Even my husband will tell you it sucked. But that was what was needed at the time for me to get an education and him to move up in his career. To make it even more challenging, we were raising kids!

    Here's the good news. We stuck it out and have celebrated 17 years together.

    Those career making years are challenging. As much as it sucks, you have someone who is ambitious. That can be a good thing in the long run. At the same time, he needs to be willing to sit down and think about how to find time with you. Don't do it when he is super tired or stressed and do realize his time won't be as forthcoming as it was in the past. Find stuff to do when you are apart, buy him a card and leave it in his car to let him know you are thinking of him, spend some of his down time just completely relaxing.

    I would love to tell you I was a completely supportive wife during this time. Nope. I had moments where I broke down and it was too much. But in the end, it was what needed to be done and I understood that. It's okay to be upset about it and be upset about the changes. It is okay to be worried about it too. He, however, needs to be able to work on his career. That is something you are you g to have to work through.
  • juicy_cat
    juicy_cat Posts: 145 Member
    Lol!! I'm just sorry I read your original post from start to finish and wasted 30 seconds of my life.

    Legend...
  • nikilis
    nikilis Posts: 2,305 Member
    its pretty simple really. either he is "the one" that you want to be with because love, real love is very hard to replace and you recognise that he is doing something good and try to find ways to get a little more time together because you are in this together for the long haul,

    OR

    Although you love him and you have spent 3 years together, maybe you want to experience someone else because you're not totally committed to him because hes "not the one".

    so is he or is he not "the one", that is the question.

    in the end this is about what you want. maybe flip a coin, before it lands, you should get a feeling of what you really want.

    :D
  • Sjudit84
    Sjudit84 Posts: 24 Member
    I tottttttally know what you mean! My bf is Korean which means his society has this image of a man having to provide solely for his family and him having to work his butt off. He is ALWAYS thinking about work and being stressed about money and he says he needs me to support him. I try to be as supportive as I can but...sometimes it is just too much. He rarely calls me, doesn't know at all what I am doing in my life, never asks me about it...and when I complain, he says I should be supportive bcs he has to work a lot. Like I don't work and study at the same time!!!!! But of course men always think their job is harder than a woman's. And yeah I do have my own life and hobbies but are we in a relationship or are we just neighbours living next to each other? If you share your life with someone then you should SHARE it, and not just meet a couple of times....anyway...my bf doesn't really like his job but yours does, which means he really wants to do it well and succeed, which means double as much effort and less time for you.

    I would tell you to be supportive and all that but there is only so much we can handle or endure. I am to be honest sick and tired of women always having to be supportive of their man and not getting anything back. Yeah, yeah, work but don't waste your life with working and then wonder why you will come home to an empty house later....you know what I mean?

    By the way, have you tried talking about this with him?
  • nikilis
    nikilis Posts: 2,305 Member
    Lol!! I'm just sorry I read your original post from start to finish and wasted 30 seconds of my life.

    you read fast!
  • nikilis
    nikilis Posts: 2,305 Member
    I am to be honest sick and tired of women always having to be supportive of their man and not getting anything back.

    the equivalent of that line is: "women are always nagging and dinner is never on the table"

    my x girlfriend cheated on me, quite a few times it turns out (she had emotional problems lol) but I dont think all women are cheaters. just like men arn't "always" not supportive.

    really you should choose better men. right? you can say "I always seem to end up with guys that are not supportive" but you cant tar all men with that brush.

    I know theres a lot of douches out there, but theres an equal amount of douchettes on the other side of the fence.

    if you are using always in a generalisation it has to be something that is actually 100% true like:

    "men always seem to have penises"

    capiche?
  • djsupreme6
    djsupreme6 Posts: 1,210 Member
    Very tough situation and I feel for you. Its hard for anyone to tell you what you should do not knowing you personally. This world is tough and jobs that make somebody happy can be hard to come by. He's found something that he does enjoy and although you seem like you support that its not mixing in with your wants and needs. You've already been together for quite a while so even if the restaurant is busy for a while are you able to do this for that long?..or...do you wanna just say the hell with it and move on..regardless though he's still gonna be working..you're still gonna be miserable and probably feel guilty as well

    In saying all this no matter how much he works there's always time for a significant other. What he should be doing, he just isn't and maybe he will begin to do this and maybe he won't...who knows but...it would be the best thing to show he cares about you and not just this job...maybe if you told him you're going out to hang with a guy pal his tune would change quick lol
  • robin52077
    robin52077 Posts: 4,383 Member
    If he is the one for you, you will be happy he is doing something he loves, realize it is not forever and it will calm down, and realize he is doing it for YOU GUYS and your FUTURE.
    IF he IS the one, he is providing a career that will support you and the house you guys buy together and the children you my have.
    Sometimes you have to make sacrifices early in life to have a long happy successful life for the next 50 years.
    Deal with no texts for a while so you can retire together and watch your grandchildren play in your backyard while you sit on your porch swing.

    IF all of this sounds right, he is the one. If it sounds like crap and you'd rather just have him text you more, move on, your mind is not ready to be settled down...
  • Manda86
    Manda86 Posts: 1,859 Member
    It's common for chefs to work crazy hours if they ever want to be more than a "cook" somewhere. Grow up and encourage him in his success. Find something to do with your time apart. Do something constructive.

    PS: If you are going to be a victim, you will drive him away. Enjoy the time you have together.

    This.

    It's not a 9-5 job and it won't ever be, I'm afraid. If he wants to have success in that business, he has to do what he's doing - put in the long hours and make sacrifices in his personal life. Great chefs are driven to the point of fanaticism. It's not likely that he will change to accommodate your emotional needs, it might be best if you move on with the knowledge that you need someone that is going to be able to spend more time with you.
  • ktillotson14
    ktillotson14 Posts: 331
    Honestly it just seems like you are far too dependent on him for your happiness. What would you do with your time had you not met him? Men don't like to be smothered or pushed into talking/texting. I was in a relationship years ago where we texted all day...until he started medical school. It was a very difficult adjustment to make because he had set a sort of precedence.

    What you really need to do is focus on yourself. You admitted to not having much else going on other than weight loss so you should try and change that. Now that you have more time for yourself you should get out there and do things that make you happy.
  • AllTehBeers
    AllTehBeers Posts: 5,030 Member
    If he is the one for you, you will be happy he is doing something he loves, realize it is not forever and it will calm down, and realize he is doing it for YOU GUYS and your FUTURE.
    IF he IS the one, he is providing a career that will support you and the house you guys buy together and the children you my have.
    Sometimes you have to make sacrifices early in life to have a long happy successful life for the next 50 years.
    Deal with no texts for a while so you can retire together and watch your grandchildren play in your backyard while you sit on your porch swing.

    IF all of this sounds right, he is the one. If it sounds like crap and you'd rather just have him text you more, move on, your mind is not ready to be settled down...

    That. Think of all the ladies (and men) who have had their loved ones deployed for war, not speaking or talking to them for months. Hell, my SO is 2000 miles away at the moment and see each other a few times a year. If you think you'll have a long lasting relationship that's worth staying with him, stay. If not, don't pull him around until you decide you don't like his hours.

Categories