I'm really upset right now

Amo_Angelus · October 2012

I know I don't have a lot to loose, not compared to some people. But I'm really trying to make a change to my lifestyle. I want to get healthier. So does it really matter than I'm not exactly overweight? I'm not comfortable in my own skin, I look ugly (in my eyes), my once beautiful dancers body is slowly turning into a couch potato shape, I'm not healthy, I'm not eating healthy and I have a food phobia I'm trying to overcome. All in all, it's a rather difficult hurdle and my husband has absolutely no interest in doing it with me, despite him actually being rather overweight. Fair enough. I'm not asking him to change, but is it really such a big deal to ask him to let me be? I used to be healthyish, always had the food phobia but before I met him I was a dancer who never ate fast food and any junk I did eat I worked off. I was incredibly lean (I went from 125 when I met him to 176 as of last week), but it's not like I want to get back to my twig body. I want some curves, I want to be 150. I felt best when I was 150.

Nowadays though it's all "Let's have takeaway" and "Let's have sweets" And I'm going to the shop" and coming home with crap, even crap I don't like! But he doesn't like it either, he buys it for me for some bizzarre reason and then I have to eat it or he gets really upset. Going to the shops with him is even worse. We get what he wants and then he pouts that he feels bad because we've gone to the shop just for him and he stays poutey until I find something...ANYTHING for myself. But that only encourages him!

Take today for example, he went to the shop yesterday and came back with £30 worth of stuff. Mostly for him but...dude bought me jumbo hotdogs?! I rarely ever eat hotdogs and when I do, regular size is fine. It's a really odd day when I want them. But he's so proud of himself so whatever. It's fine. He managed to not bring me home sweets...until that evening when he needed to get me a treat so "Something low calorie" Only instruction....big *kitten* bag of crisps which aren't even remotely low calorie and my biggest vice. Family share size packs can be eaten in one sitting. WHY OH WHY? Grin and bear it.

Now he did go and get me a zumba DVD boxset, which was very nice of him, but then today it's the same story. We go to walk the dog. Great...to the shop to get pizza and mozerella sticks! I'm not eating Pizza and I really should avoid those mozerella sticks! But I do like them, so ok, here's hoping he doesn't cook them or it's a whole pack between the two of us. And then the "We need to get you something!" game filled with pouting. He's looking at crisps and sweets! So I get some packets of cheese sauce hoping that's it done with, they can sit in the cupboard for a while and be eaten as part of a balanced diet when I want them....But even though I've said "I'm on a diet, I don't want sweets. Diet, don't want prawn crackers. Diet, no crisps. Seriously, diet. No Strawberry milkshake!" we're at the checkout, Jo rings it up and he's vanished down the cake isle with the card (leaving me with nothing just waiting) and comes back with a packet of rocky road cakes and a packet of caramel slices! Well I have nothing against him having them, but his reasoning is "Well I was thinking I could have the caramel slices and you can have the rocky roads" He doesn't like rocky roads! I find them sickly and will only eat them say when at costa with a friend, we're sharing one between us drining large, unflavoured coffee with the bitter coffee counteracting the sickly sweet sugar intake. So why the hell is he wanting a pack of them? I say no, getting very irate now regretting having come out with him at all and suddenly I'm the bad guy. He's off sulking upstairs now because I wouldn't let him buy me any ****ing crap that I don't want and because he can't support me in trying to get back to a shape that I'm comfortable in. And the worst thing, he's throwing sweets and crap in my face until I finally give in and then feel absolutely rotten about it because I didn't even want them in the first place and then asking "Why can't you see how beautiful you are?"
BECAUSE I FEEL FAT AND YOU ARE MAKING IT WORSE!

Sorry, but I really need to vent.

Helloitsdan · October 2012

My wife doesnt get it either.
She says "You are starving me!"
I make all our meals and we both work retail.
Funny thing is I give her about 1200 cals to eat for breakfast and lunch, we have a decent dinner and a bedtime snack.
Thats about 2000 cals a day.
Starving?
Really?

She hasnt lost any weight due to medication she takes but i'm nearly to 10% body fat.
Am I obsessed?
Maybe!

laurenmcallister · October 2012

That's a really tough situation to be in - countless research shows that diets are more effective when the whole household participates. It's great that he thinks you're gorgeous anyway, but it's not about how you look, it's about how you feel! I think you really just have to say to him next time he pouts that you need something "Sweets don't make me happy. Feeling better makes me happy. Let's grab these raspberries for a snack" or something to that effect. And NEVER eat stuff that isn't even good for you when you don't want to! Let him pout, he isn't 12.

What about including him in YOUR weight loss? As in, don't make him participate, etc (because you'e right, it isn't fair to push it on someone who isn't interested), but set goals for yourself with rewards for both of you. As in, when you lose the first 10 lbs, you'll both head to a weekend getaway, or you'll both go to a fancy restaurant to celebrate? Then there's incentive for him to get involved with YOUR weight loss, and it's a competition where the two of you are on the same team.

TArnold2012 · October 2012

I know its hard. My ex was pretty much the same guy, but remember he can only do what you give him the power to do. You need to sit him down and tell him your feelings. But first you need to figure out what you are going to do if he isn't willing to change. Ask yourself if he is like this about food and control what does that mean for the rest of the relationship in the years to come. If he won't change are you willing to keep giving him control over your diet? Or will you put your needs first? Will that mean ending the relationship? As you can see it won't be easy but only you can make these decisions. Good luck

yeshualovesme · October 2012

If I were in your situation...

1. I wouldn't eat any sabotage item unless he held a gun to my head (then I would call the police... so...). I'd let him pout and use my anger to clean or work out.
2. I would sit down and have a solid heart to heart talk with NO hinting. Typically, guys only get directness not hinting. I would say something like,"I am unhappy in my current shape. I don't want to get skinny, just fit. In order to do that, I will be refusing some of the treats you buy me. If you bring me treats, I will throw them away instantly without even a taste. I'm sorry if that offends you or hurts you, but this is what I want and need and would love it if you were to support me."
3. Don't budge. Obviously his pouty behavior has worked on you in the past or he wouldn't continue to do this. Losing weight isn't going to fix that - consistency is. Don't give in to this manipulative, passive aggressive behavior. You are actually helping your relationship for the long haul if you don't give in. This is good practice for eventual parenting. Trust me on this.
4. Give a little bit. I know, I know... compromise. This answer won't be popular, but I will say it anyway. If this were happening in our house, I would know that it was my husband wanting to not "eat" alone. Possibly consider setting aside some calories on one afternoon/evening a week that you're together - allotted specifically for some naughty fun calories... say 200-250? That can be like a treat date. It gives him something to look forward to, and may even reduce his sabotaging tendencies. When you're at the shop and he says, "What about this?" you can respond, "Maybe, that's a good option for my treat for Saturday... let me think about it." The key is it isn't purchased BEFORE treat time.

Remember, you're newlyweds. Two rivers coming together at first create quite a stir... it may take a while for you to establish a calmness and flow. My first year of marriage was NOT bliss, lol. I thought we would kill eachother.

Jen

Just my humble opinion... sorry if it offends.

Lindaendall · October 2012

I know its hard. My ex was pretty much the same guy, but remember he can only do what you give him the power to do. You need to sit him down and tell him your feelings. But first you need to figure out what you are going to do if he isn't willing to change. Ask yourself if he is like this about food and control what does that mean for the rest of the relationship in the years to come. If he won't change are you willing to keep giving him control over your diet? Or will you put your needs first? Will that mean ending the relationship? As you can see it won't be easy but only you can make these decisions. Good luck

I'm with TArnold - only you should control your life, why wouldn't someone you are supposed to love, support you in something that is so hearfelt as getting healthy and fit - even if they do not want to do the same?? My partner has no interest in losing weight, getting fit or getting healthy but has solidly supported me in my weight loss and change of lifestyle. I think you should make your feelings clear and then get on with it, only you can do it - even if it means chucking the 'presents' in the bin!!! (Actually the best place for any kind of hotdog but that is only my opion LOL)

He may be buying the food, sweets, treats etc but he is not sitting on you and forcing the food down your neck, I think you need to be very strong, tell him you are NOT eating them and if he does not want whatever it is, then chuck it in the bin immediately so it is not tempting you. He may sulk and throw a tantrum but it is the only way you are going to get your message across. Be strong.

pdworkman · October 2012

It takes time for family members to get used to your dietary/lifestyle changes. You have followed one pattern for how many years? And now it has changed. My hubby, though very supportive of my efforts to eat healthy and to avoid foods that make me sick, still ends up getting me things that I cannot eat, and we're not just talking about high-calorie, but things that I am allergic to. He just sees something that I used to like to eat/drink, and gets it for me, because he's being nice and wants to show his love by giving me a treat (some people show love with words, some show it by buying you gifts or feeding you). Right now there is a small bottle of grapefruit juice in the fridge that I don't know what to do with. He was getting himself and our son snacks (chips/pop) and grabbed something nice and healthy for me. But it has corn syrup in it and I can't drink it. Yes, I have been completely grain-free for a year, and he knows I can't have anything with corn syrup in it, but I used to be able to drink it and enjoy it, so he bought it for me. Nobody else in the house will drink it, and I hate to waste, so it is sitting in the fridge until I find someone to give it to!

It was the same when I went vegetarian and he still bought popcorn chicken, and then when I had eaten all of the fries and none of the chicken did a face-palm. "Oh, you don't eat chicken any more!" Honestly, it takes several years for someone to automatically remember your new eating pattern(s) and not have to think about what you can or cannot have. Tell him one or two things that are treats you can have, and repeat them every time he is wanting to buy you food or buys something that you can't eat. Hubby knows that one of my favourite treats is raspberries. If he's picking up snacks at the corner store he can get me pure 100% juice (still learning not to get me grapefruit or cranberry juice because of the corn syrup). Tell him things that you really like, not just compromises, so that he can still get the pleasure of making you happy with his gifts.

kenazfehu · October 2012

This man sounds mentally ill to me, one of those feeder sick-o types who gets off on watching someone get fatter and fatter and fatter and ................ Truthfully, I'd leave him. It gives me the heebie-jeebies to think of anyone treating me this way.

ALH1981 · October 2012

I know I don't have a lot to loose, not compared to some people. But I'm really trying to make a change to my lifestyle. I want to get healthier. So does it really matter than I'm not exactly overweight? I'm not comfortable in my own skin, I look ugly (in my eyes), my once beautiful dancers body is slowly turning into a couch potato shape, I'm not healthy, I'm not eating healthy and I have a food phobia I'm trying to overcome. All in all, it's a rather difficult hurdle and my husband has absolutely no interest in doing it with me, despite him actually being rather overweight. Fair enough. I'm not asking him to change, but is it really such a big deal to ask him to let me be? I used to be healthyish, always had the food phobia but before I met him I was a dancer who never ate fast food and any junk I did eat I worked off. I was incredibly lean (I went from 125 when I met him to 176 as of last week), but it's not like I want to get back to my twig body. I want some curves, I want to be 150. I felt best when I was 150.

Nowadays though it's all "Let's have takeaway" and "Let's have sweets" And I'm going to the shop" and coming home with crap, even crap I don't like! But he doesn't like it either, he buys it for me for some bizzarre reason and then I have to eat it or he gets really upset. Going to the shops with him is even worse. We get what he wants and then he pouts that he feels bad because we've gone to the shop just for him and he stays poutey until I find something...ANYTHING for myself. But that only encourages him!

Take today for example, he went to the shop yesterday and came back with £30 worth of stuff. Mostly for him but...dude bought me jumbo hotdogs?! I rarely ever eat hotdogs and when I do, regular size is fine. It's a really odd day when I want them. But he's so proud of himself so whatever. It's fine. He managed to not bring me home sweets...until that evening when he needed to get me a treat so "Something low calorie" Only instruction....big *kitten* bag of crisps which aren't even remotely low calorie and my biggest vice. Family share size packs can be eaten in one sitting. WHY OH WHY? Grin and bear it.

Now he did go and get me a zumba DVD boxset, which was very nice of him, but then today it's the same story. We go to walk the dog. Great...to the shop to get pizza and mozerella sticks! I'm not eating Pizza and I really should avoid those mozerella sticks! But I do like them, so ok, here's hoping he doesn't cook them or it's a whole pack between the two of us. And then the "We need to get you something!" game filled with pouting. He's looking at crisps and sweets! So I get some packets of cheese sauce hoping that's it done with, they can sit in the cupboard for a while and be eaten as part of a balanced diet when I want them....But even though I've said "I'm on a diet, I don't want sweets. Diet, don't want prawn crackers. Diet, no crisps. Seriously, diet. No Strawberry milkshake!" we're at the checkout, Jo rings it up and he's vanished down the cake isle with the card (leaving me with nothing just waiting) and comes back with a packet of rocky road cakes and a packet of caramel slices! Well I have nothing against him having them, but his reasoning is "Well I was thinking I could have the caramel slices and you can have the rocky roads" He doesn't like rocky roads! I find them sickly and will only eat them say when at costa with a friend, we're sharing one between us drining large, unflavoured coffee with the bitter coffee counteracting the sickly sweet sugar intake. So why the hell is he wanting a pack of them? I say no, getting very irate now regretting having come out with him at all and suddenly I'm the bad guy. He's off sulking upstairs now because I wouldn't let him buy me any ****ing crap that I don't want and because he can't support me in trying to get back to a shape that I'm comfortable in. And the worst thing, he's throwing sweets and crap in my face until I finally give in and then feel absolutely rotten about it because I didn't even want them in the first place and then asking "Why can't you see how beautiful you are?"
BECAUSE I FEEL FAT AND YOU ARE MAKING IT WORSE!

Sorry, but I really need to vent.

This is going ot be a controversial comment but you are responsible for what you put into your mouth and how you live your life... ONly you can change.... Life will always present you with challenges and tempataions, but its only YOU that can overcome them...

Sorry to be so blunt but i hate to hear how its someone else's problem that people are overweight/cant exercise/cant eat right etc.

but by the way, you are actually beautiful and in my mind, a lovely weight!

good luck!

Amo_Angelus · October 2012

It takes time for family members to get used to your dietary/lifestyle changes. You have followed one pattern for how many years?

We've been living together for almost three years, but were virtually living together for a year before that. The change was slow at first and primarily because I'd lost my job and he had money, so when he said "Let's get take-away" I said yes because...well...more food in my cupboards to last longer when I had very little money coming in, and when we were at his house it's his house, but that slowly became the norm without my realizing it. And now it has to change. But you're absolutely right, it has become the pattern and has been for a fair old time.

Tell him one or two things that are treats you can have, and repeat them every time he is wanting to buy you food or buys something that you can't eat. Hubby knows that one of my favourite treats is raspberries. If he's picking up snacks at the corner store he can get me pure 100% juice (still learning not to get me grapefruit or cranberry juice because of the corn syrup). Tell him things that you really like, not just compromises, so that he can still get the pleasure of making you happy with his gifts.

Excellent idea. I'll have a think as to what he can buy as treats without destroying my change. The problem is my treats at the moment are still very unhealthy so I nly have them as a reward for being good. He sees food as happiness. So he wants to buy me those treats every chance he can because he wants to make me happy despite my frequently tellng him that it actually has the opposite effect. So I'll give that a go and see if we can at least reduce the damage.

JoanneMarie44 · October 2012

HI there
I agree with that you are beautiful and look like you dont need to lose much, but its how you feel thats counts. I agree with what some of these people are saying (esp Yeshualovesme), although can I just add - you definately need to talk to him....but not when there is food around, or when you are shopping/just finished. Take him on a walk with the dog, in a completely different direction and talk to him, but be completely honest and say how much he is upsetting you. It does sound to me like he is acting like a 12 year old, perhaps he is jealous of you trying to take control of your diet because he is not able to take control of his and its actually his way of reaching out (although it is unacceptable behaviour!). My ex was the opposite - always telling me I had put weight on (I had put about 7lb on since I had met him) - to be honest that digging has made me unhappy for the last 23 years, even though he hasnt been around then. Ive put weight on to be contrary - how mad is that. So whatever you do - dont eat what you dont want as you really dont want to be as fat as me! Do what someone suggests - bag up all the stuff he buys for you and put it in the bin...or better still keep it in the shed and then put it all out on the table in a week or so - that should embarrass him.

Keep doing what is right for you and leave him to his family packs - leave the room if you have to for 20 minuets!

J :happy:

JoanneMarie44 · October 2012

Oh and I forgot to mention - I know a brilliant hypnotherapist if you need help with your Cibophobia. In fact - she would also help with you taking control of your diet, no matter what your partner says. She is based in Wilmslow so if you want her detail email me - she really is brilliant.

hughtwalker · October 2012

Tell him you'd really, really, REALLY like an iPad, so instead, "Let's save spending those pennies on "treats" until we have enough £££s for a REAL TREAT"

- just a thought

and if the £399 16 is no problem tell him you want the 64 version, okay?

vienna26 · October 2012

My boyfriend was the same id work my butt off on the treadmill and hed be like lets get a takeaway really used to annoy me as he knew how much i wanted to lose weight, i asked him countless times to stop asking me to have takeaways or drink as these were my downfalls, he said he would but never did!! I just had to find it in me to get the will power to say no everytime hed try to get me to have a takeaway with him, eventually i finished with him and it was since then that ive lost my baby weight, funny thing is he actually admitted to me months later that he did it on purpose said he wanted me fat so nobody would find me attractive lol

Bakkasan · October 2012

IT's hard to let go of that feeling. I want to go out to dinner, I keep offering my wife bites of my snacks. She doesn't want them, but I do it out of the need to be sharing and etc.

I had to let go and I cook my own dinners or she makes me my own separate meals when we are really on it.

Bakkasan · October 2012

and if the £399 16 is no problem tell him you want the 64 version, okay?

I got my darling wife a 64gig ipad 3 and she just adores it. This is a good goal

islandnutshel · October 2012

I come from a family that uses food to express love. It was hard but I have had to take control of what I eat. So that means that when I am over at my mom's and she starts cooking bacon and eggs, I will say no thanks and reach for a bowl of cereal and fruit. It sounds rude, but this is after having many reasonable discussions about how I need to lose weight and have control over my meals.

When I am home with my husband I do most of the cooking, but it took years of battle to keep junk out of the house all together. The only exceptions are when we have company or we go camping. If we do take out for chinese, I will order stir fry for myself. Or if he has a pizza craving, he can have the left overs for his lunch, and I will make my own dinner.

If you are determined and consistant, it will no longer be an argument, it will be the norm.

pdworkman · October 2012

This complicates things, because *he* won't know when it is that you "deserve" a reward for being good. He will not understand the difference between when it is okay for you to have a special treat and when it is not. Maybe you don't know yourself. That is contributing to the problem. If sometimes it is okay, and sometimes it is not, how is he to know?

So maybe you should sit down with yourself for a while and think through what is okay and what is not okay for you. Then once you have sorted it out yourself, fill him in on the "rules". For example "when I have earned a reward for xxx, I will let you know, and we can go out and get some yyy for a treat; the rest of the time, if you want to get me a treat any other time, get me zzz so I can stay on-diet and earn that yyy. Then be sure to keep him informed, and to involve him when you do earn that yyy, so that he feels happy to share it with you, and you are not just binging on yyy in secret or confusing him with bouncing back and forth between two standards.

Excellent idea. I'll have a think as to what he can buy as treats without destroying my change. The problem is my treats at the moment are still very unhealthy so I nly have them as a reward for being good. He sees food as happiness. So he wants to buy me those treats every chance he can because he wants to make me happy despite my frequently tellng him that it actually has the opposite effect. So I'll give that a go and see if we can at least reduce the damage.

I'm really upset right now

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