Has anyone else ever felt this way . . . please help

Cynkane · October 2012

I have been struggling with my weight ever since I had my second child 4 years ago. I did great when she was about 6 months old and lost over 20 pounds and was back in my pre-pregnacy jeans. I was started to look good again. Then we bought our house and I fell off the wagon, gained the weight back and then some. I have been struggling ever since. I seem to go in spurts and do well, but this summer killed me. It was very stressful and we had another family living with us that we were trying to help get back on their feet. I gained 10 pounds in the 3 months they lived with us. (So now I am 60 pounds overweight and I am only 5'2") Now NONE of my clothes fit. Some of my stretchier jeans stil "fit" but I look horrible in them and have a huge muffin top.

I went out this weekend and bought some comfy clothes (active wear) so that I would look okay, but not be completely embarrased by how I look. I don't even like for my husband to see me. I try to go to bed either before him or after him so he won't see me. It makes him so mad, but I can't help it I hate the way I look and I don't want him to see me like that. So needless to say our intimate life is pretty non-existent which is totally unfair to him, but I just have a really hard time.

I am a Mary Kay beauty consultant and I even stopped going to my MK functions (which I thoroughly love BTW) because I hate the way I look and I am so embarassed. These women now have not seen me for a while and I am huge compared to how I looked the last time I saw them. Plus all my clothes do not fit right so it makes me look bigger. I don't want to go anywhere, do anything, see anybody etc. I cry every morning when I have to get dressed.

This weekend was my stepdaughter's homecoming and I thought I was going to burst into tears when her boyfriend's family insisted that I get in the pictures with the kids. In the past, I would have totally been the proud momma and the first one up there.

Please help me to stay on track and get this weight off and if anyone has any tips on how to help these feelings in the meantime, please, please share. I am miserable and all I do is cry if I have to go anywhere and/or see anybody.

Thanks, I hope this was not a complete and total ramble, I am just really having a hard time dealing with how I feel right now.

wizbeth1218 · October 2012

**raising hand** Yes, I have felt that way. I still feel that way. I imagine I will feel that way for a really long time.

*Feeling* that way is fine, it's natural, and it's totally ok. The feelings themselves are not harmful. It's ok to accept those feelings; give yourself permission to feel frustrated and discouraged about how your body looks right now.

Just remember that your feelings don't have to control the choices you make. I can *feel* like choking the living **** out of the too-slow cashier at the grocery store, but I don't let that feeling control how I choose to behave towards her/him.

So go ahead and feel unhappy about your current situation. But choose to channel those feelings into action, commitment, and consistency.

On a side note, I would encourage you to remember that your husband is your number 1 fan. It's wonderful that he desires you and craves intimacy with you. When the self-talk in your head drowns out the affirmation of your husband's desire for you, you need to tell that negative nancy in your head to shut the **** up, because you are a smokin' hot wife who knows how to please her man!

Feel free to add me. Trust me when I say I am where you are... and I'm gonna be around for a long, long time.

Lizzym911 · October 2012

I agree totally with you wizbeth...and add me if you like, i have like 80 to lose and have struggled also.

eandrsmom · October 2012

Your entire post could have been mine...right down to Homecoming last weekend. The first step is the hardest, and there is a light at the end of the tunnel!!! Hang in there, and take tomorrow one choice at a time. And when you make a bad one, it's okay. Just look forward to the next good one. Not always easy, but definitely worth it! Oh, and by the way....the comfy clothes that I bought just to be able to leave the house are falling off 6 weeks later. ;-)

Celeigh12 · October 2012

Your post made me so sad! I think many of us feel or have felt what you describe. But you just need a little success under your belt and I promise you'll start to feel so much better about yourself. And it happens pretty quickly after you start. I found that just feeling like I was in control of my eating went a long way to making me feel better. Then starting to lose felt good, then my clothes got looser, then people began to notice. It didn't happen overnight, but every little success added to my self-confidence and self-esteem. I'm still a ways from my goal, but I feel happy - I say this so you know you don't need to be at your goal to feel good in your skin again. You can get there too. You can do this!

Please don't hesitate to add me as a friend if you'd like. Support makes this so much easier. Good luck to you!!

withchaco · October 2012

We're the same height, so I know how big of a difference 60 pounds can make.

It's okay to dislike the way you look. It's okay to even hate it, and feel embarrassed about it. But it's not okay to hate your entire person for it. Don't forget you still have the good qualities that you had before gaining weight. Don't let your weight change your personality for worse.

Like wisbeth said, channel your unhappiness into motivation and determination. And I'm sure you don't hate other obese people... Give yourself some of that understanding and tolerance, too. Be patient with yourself. You deserve it.

YOU CAN DO THIS. I lost 60 pounds in 7.5 months last year. Stick to it, and I'm sure by this time next year, you will have transformed 100%.

smackadoodle · October 2012

Yes, I have felt this way at the beginning of my journey.
I encourage you to continue loving yourself, even though you don't like your weight.
I did a lot of eating because of not liking myself with extra weight on. I would say who cares?
Well now, we ALL care. Add me as a friend if you want another friend.

ixap · October 2012

We're the same height, so I know how big of a difference 60 pounds can make.

Me too!
Honestly I think most of us have felt that way at times. It can be so frustrating when you feel like you've lost control of it.

This site has helped me SO much though. Stick with it, add some friends for motivation, and you'll make progress.
I agree with the above poster that once you see you're headed back in the right direction you might feel better right away, even before you reach your final goal.

uhhuthatsright · October 2012

I know that going shopping is no fun when you are not feeling pretty.

But....It might be a good idea to buy 3 new outfits. Soon you will be changing to a smaller size! So it might be a good idea to buy from old navy or good will. ( when these become too big you can donate them)

A dress that fits well & is in a plain color that you can change the look of with a scarf & jewelry.

A pair of jeans or pants in dark denim in a skinny cut. Two dark color knit tops. And a dressy or fun top.

Also get yourself an elegant& foxy nightgown. Something pretty with coverage. Do not buy a frumpy one! Get one you feel like showing off. Get it in your favorite color. This might make you more comfortable about bed.

When you go to a social event wear a unusual piece of jewelry or a pretty scarf or a great bag. Give yourself something nice to focus on. And something for your friends & family to complement you on. Your husband thinks you are beautiful. I bet your friends do too. Dress up, get some complements, and congratulate yourself on this fresh start!

Get back into the mix & go after your husband. Waiting will just make it weird. You are ready! You've got this!

Kristin2984 · October 2012

Your post made me want to cry! You sound like such a loving, giving person. Helping a family in need, worried about your husband, caring for your stepdaughter. I'm glad you are on this site and taking steps to get healthy. We all get down about how we look. Even those women at MK, no matter how skinny they are, have had those "I look terrible I gained weight I dont want to go out" moments. Exercise will help you to lose weight but its also said that exercise boosts our moods. Nature's antidepressant. Try to keep physical activity, even a little walk, part of your daily routine to help get your mood up. You definitely have the determination to do this. Good luck to you!

DonnaMarieAnn39 · October 2012

Yes! I still feel that way. I struggle every day. However, I try to be kind, loving, and thoughtful-to others and to myself. I have been off and on this plan too many times to tell. I WILL STILL KEEP ON KEEPING ON! You can, too. Good luck!:flowerforyou:

Cynkane · October 2012

Thank you so much. I helps knowing I am not the only one that feels this way. I talk to my best friend a lot becuase she struggles more than I do with her weight, but it is so hard. I feel bad after we talk because she always says how much she would love to be my size again. So then it makes me feel bad for complaining about my weight problem. Plus, we both have three kids, jobs, husbands, and we live 30 minutes apart so there really isn't much time to talk and when we do it is usually not about our weight struggles.

My husband is so supportive and I feel awful because I think sometimes he is suffering more than I am because of my lack of self esteem. However, he was very proud of me when I told him today I had lost 2 pounds. That really felt good. I said it was not much and his response was "have you ever actually seen how much 2 pounds of fat is? It is a lot." That really helped me a lot.

Thanks again for your support and advice. I really feel that I am going to need it a lot in my "re-beginning."

Cowboss1 · October 2012

Yes, yes, me too! At my heaviest I was 185 and I hated myself, was SO depressed that I had become one of those "fat people". I was ashamed. But I stuck with it and lost most of it through Weight Watchers. Mostly what I learned there, was to find support and the online friends I made helped me the most. Online worked for me, because of the shame. It seemed easier to talk with people I've never met, than to go to the meetings. It's so cool that this site is free! I was terrified to leave WW, but I couldn't afford it anymore. Yes, so Support is key! The friends you make here will help you stay on track. Motivate you to find ways to exercise without injury, and give you lots of love and laughs along the way.
My only regret is that I didn't take a before picture...so do that first thing. Then measure yourself.
Good luck, the first few weeks are tough, but don't worry you're going to have fun. Start you weight loss journey today!

withchaco · October 2012

2 pounds is a significant progress. You did well to lose them.

Think of it this way: you lost 2 pounds. Now you know how to lose 2 pounds. All you need to do is do the same thing 30 times over. See, you CAN do this :flowerforyou:

Cowboss1 · October 2012

2#s is great!!

lisabinco · October 2012

Been there myself, late last winter. That disgust with myself at the end of last year is what motivated me to do what I knew had to be done: lose at least 50 lbs. I was tired, depressed, stressed, looked terrible, felt terrible and I knew I had to act. Today I am closing in on my goal weight, fitting into clothes I have not fit in over 6 years.
You sound like you are ready to make a change; you can do it. You have a supportive spouse who will be a real ally -- don't shut him out. My hubby loved me even at 60 lbs overweight and I was so grateful for his support; it made the whole journey easier.
(P.S. Here's my 2 cents on the "How?" part of it -- take what you like and leave the rest. Read Dr Fuhrman's book "Eat To Live" all the way through. You will understand why losing weight -- and keeping it off -- is so difficult. Then make a commitment to eating right the rest of your life. You will learn all you need to know about real nutrition from this book. You will lose all the weight you need to, and will finally feel great eating real food, as much as you want, and easily maintaining the best weight for your body. Promise.)

TabathaAnn8 · October 2012

Hmmmm, is it OK to judge others based on their weight? (No should be the answer here) So why is it ok to hate yourself because of your weight? Do I sometimes feel uncomfortable around others and get upset when I have outgrown clothes? Yes. Do I hate myself and think I am gross and disgusting? NO!!!! You guys have to work on your self-esteem man! I am here to lose weight so I can start enjoying things I once did that I can do anymore due to my size. Not because I hate myself. If you hate your body you should probably see a therapist, because even after you lose weight you may still find yourself being disappointed. Get some confidence peeps!!!!

It is extremely hard for me to read posts like this and not feel offended. Why is the look of fat such a horrific thing to some people? Its society telling us it is bad. You gotta work past that! There are plenty of overweight beautiful people out there! You can be 300 lbs plus and still be sexy! I know this, because I am : P If your husband thinks you are sexy that is all that matters! You should find confidence in his love of your body. If he puts you down or if anyone ones husband, boyfriend etc puts them down because of their weight it's time to find a new significant other. If my husband ever said an intentionally hurtful thing about the way my body looks I'd be packing my stuff!

It is especially important if you have children to not behave this way. It is more way, way, way more damaging for a child to watch their mother hate themselves because they are fat that to have an overweight mother. Your children copy you, if you hate your body, they are going to copy that! And for godsakes people if you have overweight or even remotely overweight children don't call them things like chubby, fat, piggy, whale or pudgy. You think they should lose weight? Get out and play with them!!! Give them proper nutrition!!! Making fun of them will only give them disorders, low self-esteem, and lack of confidence!!! I see it too often. I am so grateful that my mother always told me how smart and beautiful I was when I was a child.

OK sorry for the rant but I felt like this thread needed a confidence boost!!!!

awilmeri · October 2012

Reading your post made me so sad. You need to feel good about yourself. I agree with the previous poster, buy one pair of pants and a few tops so you can go out. Give your husband a hug, he sounds very supportive. Now go work out.

. You CAN do this. Working out is going to give you more energy and give you more wiggle room with calories. It's going to take time but every day is a step forward and a day closer to your goal. Think where would you be if you had started six months ago, now do you want to wait another six months to start? No. You can do this for yourself first but do it for your family too. If you don't want to go out then your kids and husband will suffer as well. Good luck!

Cynkane · October 2012

Thank you so much for all the support.

I do want to clarify that I am sorry if this post offended anyone. I do not judge overweight people, and there are a whole lot of beautiful overweight people. Myself included. I do not think I am ugly and I do not HATE myself. I just HATE the weight that I have put on based on the poor choices I have made, which has affected my self-esteem a little. 95% of the time I am incredily positive and fine with everything. My post was referring to that 5% of the time when I am struggling (like yesterday). And yes, I do see a therapist for my self-esteem/depression issues and am actually on medication for it. Not sure where my self-esteem issues came from because I have incredibly positive parents who always told me how beautiful and smart I was and supported me in every endeavor of my life and still do.

My relationship with my husband is what has been affected the most by my weight gain. NOT BY HIM AT ALL. He has NEVER said anything about my weight. I am uncomfortable with the weight I have put on (mainly because I did not have a weight problem until 4 years ago and it was not a big problem to me until recently). Therefore, I do not feel sexy, sex is uncomfortable for me, and (TMI) certain positins are just not comfortable anymore due my larger size. My husband is signifcantly taller than I am so even though he weighs a little more than me I am much wider than him. So therefore, in the bedroom that really bothers me. I know it shouldn't but I can't help it.

As far as my behavoir in front of my children I want to clarify that they do not see me when I am upset or crying about these things. I am very postive when it comes to my kids. I am the only person in my house who is overweight so I do not push my problems off on them. I talk to my husband when I am upset and feeling bad. The only time my children have ever seen me upset about my weight was when I had to explain to my six and four year that Mommy was NOT having another baby. They kept insisting I was because my belly is really big (where I seem to be carrying all my weight). At that point, I couldn't hold back the tears, I cried and I told them that it hurt my feelings.

I am human. I do not hate myself for being overweight. I do, however, hate being overweight. Not because of society, but becuase I am not comfortable, my back hurts all the time, I am starting to have health problems stemming from the weight, and I have a hard time doing the things I enjoy because the weight makes it more difficult. The fact that putting on my tennis shoes and tying them is hard because of my size is what I hate the most. I can't help but find that to be a little embarassing and depressing that I have to struggle around the weight in my stomach to get my shoes on. It hurts emotionally and physically. But I do not HATE MYSELF because of it, I just HATE THE WEIGHT!

I posted this not to offend anyone, just hoping to find people that maybe have been in the same position I am and to see how they lost the weight and/or dealt with these feelings when they would sneak up on them.

SO AGAIN I AM INCREDIBLY SORRY IF THIS POST OFFENDED ANYONE. It was not meant to and it was definitely not meant to judge anyone or to imply that being overweight is not beautiful. It was just a rambling post from someone who was struggling yesterday emotionally.

chocl8girl · October 2012

*(*(*(*hugs*)*)*)*

I can understand how you feel all too well. Hang in there, you CAN do this, I promise you!

<3

wizbeth1218 · October 2012

It's all good, girlfriend.

And if certain positions are uncomfy... well, try new positions.

I'm betting that your hubby will be a willing participant in those experiments.

At the risk of encouraging any kind of "faking" in the bedroom, I would say that you gotta fake it until you make it. I don't mean to fake IT (ha ha), but I do mean that you can ACT like you feel sexy, even if you don't. Once your hubby has a chance to get over his shock, and he responds to this new sex-kitten you, you will find a whole lot of affirmation in his response.

You got this, sister friend!

Has anyone else ever felt this way . . . please help

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