worried about potential compliments/attention

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I need to lose 80-90 lbs to get to a healthy weight. This is probably going to sound weird but I'm dreading the feedback that I will potentially receive. Some people can be pretty rude/hurtful when they give "compliments". In the past I had one guy tell me, "You look so good now. You were fat as f*** before". I felt so embarrassed, especially cause he said it in front of other people; while we were celebrating my birthday nonetheless. And the worst part is I have gained it all back, plus some. So it's like, I don't even want to know what people think of me right now.

I am so paranoid about my weight right now, and I know people judge me by the way I look. I'm so insecure that I've been hiding from friends just because I don't want them to talk about my weight behind my back. And even though they are my friends and I know that they wouldn't purposely talk crap about me, weight is one of those things that is a common topic of discussion. And I'm fat, there's no way to deny that.

I'm just worried that once I start losing weight, the remarks I might receive will only confirm the paranoia that I'm feeling right now; that people think I'm disgustingly fat.

Does this make sense? Has anyone else ever been worried about positive feedback? I just wish I could erase people's memories and make it so that they never knew I was fat to begin with.

***I should clarify: the guy who said I was "fat as f***" wasn't an actual friend of mine, he just so happened to be at the same party. My actual friends are not that cruel.

Replies

  • MaleyaB
    MaleyaB Posts: 25
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    You need to gain confidence. You are you; it doesn't matter if you are fat or skinny. And quite frankly, those comments are meant to be hurtful. It's difficult to handle a situation like that, so I would say something along the lines of, "I appreciate your intentional compliment. But it still hurts my feelings when you say something derogatory, whether it has to be with me in the past or me now." I'm sure your "friends" will stumble over their own words. But their comments won't stop unless you say something about it.
  • gramacanada
    gramacanada Posts: 557 Member
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    Yes it hurts. One way to look at it is this. There are 8 billion people in the world.
    Don't let any ONE derail your efforts. You are the only one who can feel bad about you.
    And you don't have to. We will all support you with NO judgments.
    We're here to help each other.:smile:
  • crackdmirror
    crackdmirror Posts: 20 Member
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    I think it's very healthy to explore your feelings about this now. By doing so, you are giving yourself a chance to analyze your feelings about yourself first, without external influences rushing your emotions.

    This is going to sound bizarre, but I learned it in therapy (abusive relationship, blah blah blah). Look at yourself in a full length mirror and state outloud 10 things that you like about yourself. For me, it was my eyes, my hair, and the fact that even at 60 pounds overweight I still had an hourglass figure. I also had to list internal things....ambitious, funny, etc. Do this when you are prepared to state 10 things you like about yourself. Stand in front of the mirror and state each item, one at a time, while looking at that item (or a symbol of it....like for humor, I watched myself smile and thought about a joke I told).

    Once you have your list, do the mirror activity once or twice a day, even if you are feeling negative--even if you don't believe it (and that will happen). Repeat your list outloud and look at yourself. It becomes easier, and chances are you will start to think of more things to add on to the list (10 is a starting point, not an end :)....).

    After a week of this exercise, add (keep doing the mirror exercise!) this: Make a list on paper of what you are afraid of hearing from other people (in my case, it was things my ex had said or done that I was afraid of happening again). Fold your paper in half and put these negative "fear items" on the left-hand side. Then put the paper away. Look at it no more than once a day, and at that time you may add items if you need to. Once a day only, though. Leave it at work or in the car if you need to.

    Now you've spent a week doing the mirror exercise, followed by a week of the mirror + your fear items. Now comes what I feel was the hardest part: On the right-hand side of your folded sheet of paper, write a positive thought that you will associate with the fear item. In my case, my positive thought to "he will hurt me" was "I am strong enough to leave." An example for you might be a fear item of someone saying you look like you've lost a lot of weight; the positive thought could be "I'm working towards my goals." This is just an example....your fears and thoughts are your own, of course. :)

    Once your positive thoughts are filled out, look at them every day. Practice thinking these thoughts. Role-play in the mirror, watching yourself as you state your fear item, then react to that fear item with your positive thought. I can't say how long this step will take, but as they say, practice makes perfect. You will know when you don't need to practice anymore, because it will become your nature....your attitude. Your brain will teach your heart what it already knows: That you are an amazing human with unique experiences and a unique perspective on life. You have value, and your true friends and future friends will know it.

    This seems (and may well be) a bunch of long-winded psycho-babble, but your post struck a chord that I've recognized for over 10 years now. I wish you the best in reaching your goals. Please know that your worth is not tied to your weight, your looks, your fashion sense, or your shoe size. These are all incidental details to the fact that you are the only person who is YOU, and you are wonderful.
  • GiggityGiggity88
    GiggityGiggity88 Posts: 20 Member
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    THank you :)
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
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    You need to gain confidence. You are you; it doesn't matter if you are fat or skinny.

    this. you need to accept that you are who you are, and thats not a bad thing!!!! self confidence is so important, and yes it may help that you lose a few pounds, but you are still you, you need to love that person!
  • apatheticLog
    apatheticLog Posts: 24 Member
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    own it. so what...you got fat. big fn whoopdie-doo. happens to most of us in life. i totally get the avoiding friends in life because you gained it back, i do the same thing! but i wouldnt take it as far as worrying about potential compliments etc. who cares. youre doing this for you, and someone in life will always have a comment.

    keep going, lose weight and feel great.
  • meggie2cute
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    I completely understand! but people say it while looking at my skinny photos to my face... it really is like they are just hitting me right in my gut.. they say things like.. "wow you were so skinny, you need to go for a walk" or "what happened..." I know they are joking... but there is truth behind it.....like my grandma is the worst.. like one day my whole family went out to a country buffet for dinner since my uncle came home from deployment. and she whispered in my ear... "since you can't fit into even your mothers fat jeans.. You need to turn around and leave... oh wait its a country buffet you can blend right in with your fellow fat *kitten* country cousins.." It hurt... cause grandmas are suppose to be sweet.. she will bake a chocolate cake and sit it right in my face and tell me not to eat it... true story i can't make this up! it really does hurt.. and its making me feel like complete **** about my self deff because my mom and husband do the same thing.. they just butter it up saying at least your have a pretty face and can read... my self image is so low its pretty much pathetic..
  • jessiekanga
    jessiekanga Posts: 564 Member
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    Okay Giggity, I'm laughing... but it's that knowing laughter when you could have written a post yourself. Please forgive my reply from branching out of the norm a wee bit. I have a job/career that involves being a somewhat public/visible figure in our community. Please don't confuse that with well-paid or even necessarily important... just public and visible. I started losing weight two years ago, lost about 25 pounds somewhat quickly. I need to lose 100 all together, I started at 250 and am 5'3". The difference between 250 and 225 is noticeable, and I am hosting an event. It's a big annual hoopla. The Mayor, our U.S. Senator, some local politicians, my boses... all there. And, the local newspaper. I'm walking up the stairs, surrounded by these important people and the newspaper reporter, and someone says, "and you've lost a LOT of weight. You're getting skinny. AND you quit smoking. Wow!!!"

    I wish I could have clicked my heels 3 times and ended up... ANYWHERE ELSE! I am glad to say that the press did not talk about my weight in the article. But the Mayor, the Senator, each found ways to talk to me about it. Mortified.

    Visibility is vulnerable. Even well-intentioned, sincere and loving compliments turn the spotlight on you. What you're doing is risky. And those of us who've gotten really overweight know that at a certain point... probably, depending on height... right around 220... you actually become less visible to the world. Folks stop noticing you, seeing you. So, losing weight puts us back, front and center, into the visible arena of our own lives. It's scary as hell. I can be honest with you and tell you that it is among the VERY hardest parts of committing to losing weight for me.

    I know this doesn't make it better, but sometimes... I think it's worth taking a few minutes to just let it be true. You can be vulnerable and still move forward, but there's no value in pretending it isn't vulnerable. For whatever reasons, for you, for me, it's vulnerable as all heck. For me I'm sure I can point to 101 trauma/abuse related reasons for it. Today though, what matters is that I let myself feel vulnerable, don't talk myself out of it, but don't let it stop me. As you can tell, it's still a daily struggle.

    Hang in there... and vent about comments you get anytime. I share mine if you share yours:).
  • GiggityGiggity88
    GiggityGiggity88 Posts: 20 Member
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    Okay Giggity, I'm laughing... but it's that knowing laughter when you could have written a post yourself. Please forgive my reply from branching out of the norm a wee bit. I have a job/career that involves being a somewhat public/visible figure in our community. Please don't confuse that with well-paid or even necessarily important... just public and visible. I started losing weight two years ago, lost about 25 pounds somewhat quickly. I need to lose 100 all together, I started at 250 and am 5'3". The difference between 250 and 225 is noticeable, and I am hosting an event. It's a big annual hoopla. The Mayor, our U.S. Senator, some local politicians, my boses... all there. And, the local newspaper. I'm walking up the stairs, surrounded by these important people and the newspaper reporter, and someone says, "and you've lost a LOT of weight. You're getting skinny. AND you quit smoking. Wow!!!"

    I wish I could have clicked my heels 3 times and ended up... ANYWHERE ELSE! I am glad to say that the press did not talk about my weight in the article. But the Mayor, the Senator, each found ways to talk to me about it. Mortified.

    Visibility is vulnerable. Even well-intentioned, sincere and loving compliments turn the spotlight on you. What you're doing is risky. And those of us who've gotten really overweight know that at a certain point... probably, depending on height... right around 220... you actually become less visible to the world. Folks stop noticing you, seeing you. So, losing weight puts us back, front and center, into the visible arena of our own lives. It's scary as hell. I can be honest with you and tell you that it is among the VERY hardest parts of committing to losing weight for me.

    I know this doesn't make it better, but sometimes... I think it's worth taking a few minutes to just let it be true. You can be vulnerable and still move forward, but there's no value in pretending it isn't vulnerable. For whatever reasons, for you, for me, it's vulnerable as all heck. For me I'm sure I can point to 101 trauma/abuse related reasons for it. Today though, what matters is that I let myself feel vulnerable, don't talk myself out of it, but don't let it stop me. As you can tell, it's still a daily struggle.

    Hang in there... and vent about comments you get anytime. I share mine if you share yours:).

    Thank you :) I feel better knowing I'm not the only person who feels vulnerable.
  • bridgelene
    bridgelene Posts: 358 Member
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    Wow. Friend or not, that was rude as heck!

    Frankly I would've said "Wow. You're REALLY that rude, aren't you?" and stared them down to make them as uncomfortable as they deserve to feel.
  • kimberliiw
    kimberliiw Posts: 242 Member
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    You're still so young, when I was young what people thought of me was important as well. Now that I'm older I really don't give a crap what anyone thinks. You're a valuable person and you shouldn't let anyone devalue you. And BTW a good comeback would be "you used to be stupid as f***, oh wait, you still are"
  • People like that are horrible people and always will be.

    It's what's on the inside that counts, sounds cliched but I would much rather be overweight than a bad person.