Emotional Upheaval

panamasammii · October 2012

One of my MFP friends left a message on my news feed saying that she was concerned that I am not eating enough.
This is why I love MFP! Support when you need it most.

This is how I replied
" I have been having a few bad days in my life.. emotionally and what goes in my mouth seems to be the only thing that I have control over right now!. I used to be an emotional eater and now I guess I have become an emotional "un eater"!!
Im struggling to deal with all sorts of feelings about myself, the way I look and the way other people perceive me.
I will do better today! "

Interesting concept for me, NOT to eat! I have spent the majority of my life trying to get thin. I managed it a couple of times when I was in my 20's with the help of Phentermin! Weight melted off.. but as soon as I stopped taking it, the weight came back with a vengeance.!

Somewhere along the path that is "My Life", I had 2 babies after an Ectopic Pregnancy where I nearly died, and also suffered from 4 miscarriages. My body is completely F**cked! 3 scars from the Ectopic and 2 C-Sections. Millions of Stretch Marks that literally are all over my belly and even up to my rib cage. I also developed Hypothyroidism.
Now I have lost 57lbs I have putty like, wrinkly saggy skin!

I always assumed that as soon as I lost weight I would feel and look better. I suppose I look better with my clothes on, but as soon as they come off, and the shapewear comes off, I look like a scarred saggy pile of cr@p.

Im still not happy with myself, will I ever be? I am short of my goal, and I will strive to achieve it. But I don’t know what Im going to do about the rest of my feelings towards my self. Losing weight wont remove the scars, and the saggy skin is only going to get worse. I don’t have money to spend on surgery. I will start exercising to see if that can help but can skin really respond to that?

I don’t know if anyone else deals with this.. .. but when I run into people that haven’t seen me in a while, they are all wowed at my weight loss and then go on to tell me how very fat I was before, which was such a shame as I have a beautiful face but my body didn’t match?! I have even had people say to me “Oh now you look fabulous, you can really hold your head up high when you go out with your handsome husband”

I know its stupid, but I cant help feel protective towards the old me. YES I was fat, and yes my husband is handsome, but is that the only thing people saw in me? A girl with a nice face, shame she’s fat? Is that really how my worth as a human is perceived? How fat or thin I am??

So.. thats my emotional upheaval at the moment.

Sorry for the rambled post, but I just need to get this stuff off my chest.

panamasammii · October 2012

Still feeling sorry for myself. Can anyone offer some advice?

SarahAFerguson · October 2012

Your post brought tears to my eyes. I'm saddened to hear how you feel about yourself. Would it make any difference to know that we all feel this way at one time or another? Even people who we think are very beautiful have times of insecurity so, no, you are not alone. Shame on the people in your life who are making insensitive remarks and backhanded compliments. Perhaps it is time for you to put your foot down and tell your friends and family that you don't wish to discuss your appearance at all .

panamasammii · October 2012

Thanks SarahAFerguso! Yesterday was a particularly bad day, but its hard to shake those feelings! I know that no one is perfect and we all have imperfections, its just that when you spend your life being FAT.. the only thing we think that will fix everything is getting THIN!! However, once "Thin" you are left to deal with a whole new set of issues!

Its not my family or even friends who comment, just random people. Folks in Panama tend to say exactly whats on their mind!

Should I really care what people thought of me when I was fat?! Although I still am Fat! Just not AS fat!!

texjenn · October 2012

Sam, sweetie! I know exactly what you are going through - is that any surprise? I so hate that you ( we - all of us) have to go thru this.

I'm dealing with a lot of the same issues. I'm eating a lot less & feeling I should not be. I've had people tell me that I'm starting to look to thin. I feel that eating is the one thing that I do have control over now. I so don't want to gain the weight back that I'm paranoid. I also have the problem with the skin, etc. I had a hysterectomy 6 years ago. So my stomach muscles are all messed up. Also, since the surgery was done when I was 80+ pounds overweight - its out of portion. So, I agree - I look fine - even great with clothes on but underneath - not so much. And since I'm scared to lose any more weight because other parts of me are getting too thin - I'm not sure what I can do.
I agree that being thin does bring its own challenges. It has woken me up to many things. It has made me realize things that I wanted & were missing.
I also agree with the protective part. I do have people tell me I look great, etc. but I keep thinking - what if I did gain back the weight?
So, I understand! I can't tell u it will get better right away because it may not. But I still think its worth it. I still feel so much better & I never want to back to the way I was. You will get thru this!! Love you, Girl!!

woogy1956 · October 2012

I rarely post but I have to say this. On one hand I feel bad for what you are going thru and on the other hand I am very jealous of you. I have always been thin but did not have the pretty face. Hard for me to admit but I am jealous of all those people out there with beautiful faces and I think they are so lucky no matter what they weigh. I also have a very handsome husband and even when people don't say anything you can tell what they are thinking by the look on their face. Good luck to you and to all of us... we all have our crap to deal with. Stay beautiful inside and count your blessings.

aveekdatta · October 2012

I don’t know if anyone else deals with this.. .. but when I run into people that haven’t seen me in a while, they are all wowed at my weight loss and then go on to tell me how very fat I was before, which was such a shame as I have a beautiful face but my body didn’t match?! I have even had people say to me “Oh now you look fabulous, you can really hold your head up high when you go out with your handsome husband”

People can be so rude sometimes. You lost weight to be a healthier, more attractive you, but the people who know you, love you always knew the attractive person on the inside. It sounds a little trite, but being good looking on the inside is sometimes a lot harder than what's on the outside too, because that is just who you are.

I would say your true friends and family are happy for your weight loss and glad that the beauty on the outside catches up with the beauty on the inside. And while keeping off the weight (and maintaining a healthy eating lifestyle, as it is very possible to go overboard with weight loss too) is an important target, don't value yourself just on your weight, whether your skinny, fat or somewhere in between. It's really the way you treat people that will bring the right people close to you.

Good luck!

Emotional Upheaval

Replies

Categories