Concerned about my outlook

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LitaRose77
LitaRose77 Posts: 124 Member
in Motivation and Support
OK. So the other day my "niece" texted me about going clothes shopping with me, stating that since I was starting to see someone new, I needed some "hot" clothes in my wardrobe. Now, I am not comfy wearing the kind of stuff that she does, she likes her shirts snug & low cut. Plus, the stuff that both her & my "sister" pick out is not in my comfort zone of clothing. I had been out with both of them over the weekend & got into an argument in Torrid when they tried to get me to buy a corest/bustier top. I declined. I explained that wearing them in public made me feel cheap. My "sister" immediately took offense, saying that I was calling HER cheap, cuz she had no problems wearing such things. :grumble:

I politely told her that I was not interested in clothes at this time, that I just went through & purged the stuff that is too snug or that I don't wear anymore & don't want to buy stuff in my current size if I will be losing weight. She was upset & said that she was only trying to help me dress better. A bit upset, I explained that I doubted that even if I was able to slim down to a size 6, I would still feel & view myself as a fat cow.

Here is the part that I am concerned about. I know that it is not a healthy way to think about myself, that it suggests an eating disorder. For the record, I do not eat/binge or starve myself. I think it is all due to me always being overweight, all my life. I have never been thin & always the outcast amongst my peers. How can I change this toxic way of thinking to prevent this from possibly escalating into a bigger issue down the road?

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  • withchaco
    withchaco Posts: 1,026 Member
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    I explained that I doubted that even if I was able to slim down to a size 6, I would still feel & view myself as a fat cow.
    I really don't mean to be a prick over semantics, so forgive me for asking for clarification here. Do you mean that you THINK even if you were to reach size 6, you'd still feel like a fat cow? Or you DON'T think (i.e. you doubt) you'd feel that way once you get to that size?

    Reading the last paragraph, it seems like you mean the former (i.e. you think), so I'll base my response on that. I realize my response is going to be way off if I understood your post wrong; in that case, I apologize in advance.

    I can kind of relate. I'd been fat all my life too, until last year. I grew up in Korea, where my current weight for my height is considered borderline obese! And I weigh less than I did in middle school, so I was definitely a fat cow by their standards back then.

    The funny thing is, when I look in the mirror, it's really, really hard to see any changes. They talked about eating disorders in PE class, and when we went over how an anorexic sees a fat girl in the mirror, I had a hard time believing it. How could they not see what's in front of them? But it's happening to me now. I know I'm much thinner, but in my mirror, I look the same.

    But I don't let it affect my self esteem.

    I think the key is finding valuable traits in you that have nothing to do with your weight or size. Things like your skills, personality traits. Acknowledge them and respect them, even if other people fail to see them in you. Be strong for yourself. My personal belief is that it's okay to never be satisfied with the way you look, as long as you're happy with yourself OVERALL. After all, the way you look is only one part of you.
  • LitaRose77
    LitaRose77 Posts: 124 Member
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    I explained that I doubted that even if I was able to slim down to a size 6, I would still feel & view myself as a fat cow.
    I really don't mean to be a prick over semantics, so forgive me for asking for clarification here. Do you mean that you THINK even if you were to reach size 6, you'd still feel like a fat cow? Or you DON'T think (i.e. you doubt) you'd feel that way once you get to that size?

    Basically, no matter what size I get to, I will never see myself as anything but a fat person. I do not love myself, another toxic mindset, I know. I hate how hard it is to shop....for something simple like a costume for an upcoming Halloween party. I had to custom order one, since I had ordered one I thought would fit, since they labled it a 3x/4x. Not quite. It was tight, I couldn't get it to fit where it was supposed to. I don't know if it was mislabled or what. So I ended up going to a website that caters to plus-sized women & custom ordered a costume. I dream of the day when I can go out & get something cute/sexy & wear it in confidence that I don't look utterly ridiculous in it.

    I am not saying that folks who wear these items look this way, not at all. I just don't have the self esteem to see myself that way.
  • sarahharmintx
    sarahharmintx Posts: 868 Member
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    Basically, no matter what size I get to, I will never see myself as anything but a fat person. I do not love myself, another toxic mindset, I know.
    How are you so sure of that? I cant predict any part of the future. Who's to say weight loss doesnt change your mindset. Just a thought. And I completely agree about not wanting to buy new clothes.
  • recee96
    recee96 Posts: 224 Member
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    I think self esteem needs to come from within. Start working on your self esteem and go from there. I think you should dress cute and comfortable now. You don't have to dress "cheap" but always look cute! I used to wear a size 18-20 (US sizes) and I still kept up with my appearance. I was just a cute, big girl....now I'm a cute (not so big) girl...lol!

    Don't stay in this rut until the weight magically falls off. Your esteem goes hand in hand with weightloss (in my opinion).
  • scosway
    scosway Posts: 9
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    You are not going to know that until you get there. In the four years I have been at this the one thing I can tell you is that weight loss should be more about the journey and less about the destination, if you don't take the time to really learn about yourself and take in all there is in this process, how can you really appreciate the end result.

    The whole point of this is that you are not comfortable in your skin right now, right? So if wearing a corset makes you even more uncomfortable, that's completely fine, but don't dismiss it and in the presence of others don't place judgement on it. My sister and I certainly don't dress the same and that's ok. Just simply state what you said here, you are not comfortable in it. You may never be, but they don't have to know that.

    Take the time to get comfortable in your own skin and find clothes that will make you feel comfortable and don't make the same mistake as me and wait to buy clothes, I am not much of a shopper, but I tell you nothing beats the high of walking into a store to buy new clothes in the size you think you are and realizing it's too big.

    I think by the time you reach your goal you will see what is in front of you, because if you enjoy the journey you will know how far you had to come to get to that destination, who knows maybe you will comfortable at a size 8.
  • rebelate
    rebelate Posts: 218 Member
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    This journey became a lot easier for me once I took the emphasis off of losing weight and put it on healthy, and my general well being. Sometimes I would feel great about myself, and my body then I would jump on the scale and would notice I gained a half a pound, or a pound and my day would be ruined. I think you should try to get to a place where you're comfortable, or at least okay with yourself, it'll make wanting to treat yourself better a lot easier - at least for me it did.
  • devil_in_a_blue_dress
    devil_in_a_blue_dress Posts: 5,214 Member
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    Let tomorrow worry about itself and focus on the attitude you currently have because that's what you control. Stop equating self-worth to weight. Stop equating beauty to a size.
  • jhigg11
    jhigg11 Posts: 121 Member
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    You really need to become your own cheering squad. I have been where you are. It's a tortured place. It basically will hold you back if you don't start accepting yourself for who you are, and then saying okay this is me, and I working on it. In your head leave only room for self praise and put the criticism elsewhere. When you work out give everything you have, and don't make excuses, so you don't have to beat yourself up about it. It really is not what you see in the mirror. It's the person on the inside that is holding you back.
  • KipDrordy
    KipDrordy Posts: 169 Member
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    Basically, no matter what size I get to, I will never see myself as anything but a fat person. I do not love myself, another toxic mindset, I know. I hate how hard it is to shop....for something simple like a costume for an upcoming Halloween party. I had to custom order one, since I had ordered one I thought would fit, since they labled it a 3x/4x. Not quite. It was tight, I couldn't get it to fit where it was supposed to. I don't know if it was mislabled or what. So I ended up going to a website that caters to plus-sized women & custom ordered a costume. I dream of the day when I can go out & get something cute/sexy & wear it in confidence that I don't look utterly ridiculous in it.

    I am not saying that folks who wear these items look this way, not at all. I just don't have the self esteem to see myself that way.
    If you've never been slim, how do you know you'll never see yourself as anything but fat? Look at all the success stories here. People losing 100+ pounds is common. When they post their pictures, they post pictures of them wearing far more stylish clothes than in their before pictures. Why? Because they feel better about themselves and they want to flaunt their new bodies. At any weight, you need to stop knocking yourself. If you're defining yourself by your appearance, others will define you by it as well.
  • hairsprayhon
    hairsprayhon Posts: 334 Member
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    It doesn't matter whether you are your current size or a size 1, you are NOT NOW and NEVER have been a fat cow. For me the first step on the road to fitness was believing I was already a good person, I just needed to become a good person who was physically fit. It took a long time for my brain to get there. Since I have been on this site since January, the only downside for me is reading the way people describe themselves at their heaviest. It is especially difficult when someone's before is my current weight. Mindset is so important, you need to change your brain from "if I lose weight: to "WHEN I lose weight" But sisters are complicated and somethings I share here that I don't share with my sisters!
    Download and sing along to the Broadway cast of Hairspray, "I'm Big, Blond and Beautiful" and sing it until you believe it, because you are!
  • Polly758
    Polly758 Posts: 623 Member
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    Thinking about it in terms of "self esteem" may not be helpful (maybe it's just me, but that seems like a meaningless term).

    If you're not going to BELIEVE that you have lost weight, start preparing now, and you can do that by changing your thoughts and changing the language that you use when you think about yourself.

    Start paying attention to thoughts and beliefs you have about yourself. Write them down.

    After you get a list, look at the thoughts you want to change.

    So if you've got "I am such a fat cow" on there, start changing it to "I am a f*cking goddess" or something else that suits your fancy.

    "I will never be anything but a fat person" might be "I will work hard and get skinny."

    You're the only one who can do this for yourself. It sounds like it might be even more important than losing the weight!

    If you've got a few bucks to spend you can check out some self-help workbooks on Amazon.

    Good luck, goddess :)
  • icimani
    icimani Posts: 1,454 Member
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    Basically, no matter what size I get to, I will never see myself as anything but a fat person.

    That's a pretty hard line to take. I'd suggest at least keep an open mind - something like "I don't know if I'll ever be able to see myself as a thin person" rather than "l'll never..."

    I know what you mean about looking for clothes. At my highest weight I was wearing a 4X/5X - whoever thought that people that size would look good in little poofy sleeves and empire waist?! I'm in the same boat of not wanting to buy new clothes because I'm still shrinking. I'm now pretty solid into a 2X.

    I will say that my self esteem is definitely rising as I lose weight.
  • corrinnebrown
    corrinnebrown Posts: 348
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    I am not sure how much you want to lose but I really doubt you will always see yourself as fat. Right now I am no where near my goal weight but I see my stomach getting smaller and so on.

    Tight clothes will change...You may not wear what they wear but soon you will realize that clothes that FIT look better on you than clothes that are loose.

    Jillian Micahels says "if you have a why to live for you can tolerate any how" Sounds like you need to find you why and make a reasonable goal.

    Good luck to you

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