Eating Disorder vs. Disordered Eating?

Hi guys... it's been a rough week. Somehow I have completely flipped onto my husband's 3rd shift sleeping schedule, and adding that to work in the afternoon and show at night, I feel like I'm migrating back to bad habits.

All through high school I had... not really a eating disorder, but definitely disordered eating patterns. About 800-1000 calories a day, mostly from one big meal with nothing really all day. When I graduated college, I got a job at an OEE center where my meals were prepared for me, with set times to sit down and an open salad bar. Combining that with an active lifestyle, I lost some weight and more importantly was in pretty good shape mentally and physically. It seemed so easy and natural to live that way.

Once I left that, I started to slide. Now that I am really thinking about it, I don't think I have ever given myself good boundaries and structure when it comes to eating on a schedule. It has always been imposed on me by others. When I don't eat all day, I don't feel anything... not hungry, not tired, not full of energy. I feel a little bit like a robot. The only reason I ever eat is because it feels like I should. I have no physical need at all. It feels nice not to have to do the things that others do, like stopping what I am doing to eat, use the bathroom, or take a break. It feels strong. I'm the terminator. I guess that's how I've become accustomed to living.

But the last three weeks or so of getting on track... they've felt really good. I've had more energy. I've had a better sex drive. I've felt like my old personality again. My OEE personality, I guess.

I do really well on here when it's my focus. When I spend most of my day revolving around getting exercise and eating correctly at the right times. But once life starts to wedge itself if, it seems like I can't keep all the balls in the air, and my health suffers first. I know that this is disordered. I know that my body is important, and that I need to give it fuel that it will eventually kill me if I don't get it under control, but sometimes I can't seem to make myself care.

I don't really know why I am telling you this. I don't know what you can do to help me. It all sounds so terrible when I read it back, and my instinct is to edit it down so that I don't sound so dramatic. I don't think this is an eating disorder, because I don't starve myself and I don't throw up my food or exercise it off. But it's definitely not normal, and I don't think it's good for me. Does anyone have a similar experience with something like this? Should I be getting some professional help? I've never seriously considered it before, but seeing it all laid out in writing makes me think that maybe this is a bigger problem than just eating poorly and not exercising...