Advice to pass along pls..

2012Mich
2012Mich Posts: 91 Member
edited January 2 in Chit-Chat
A friend of mine has been married for several years and has a couple of kids. Her hubby & her got into a petty argument about the hot water running out when the kids were in the bath.

She starts swearing at him after a while as he's making it difficult for her to explain what happened. She was really angry that she was swearing in front of the children. Her hubby got really angry about that.. having asked her to stop and she continued.

He ends up slapping her in the face for the first time.

He must have been really at his wits end as he's never done that before and really isn't that type of person. I don't want to get involved but she wanted my opinion and really I don't really have any good advice.

I thought they should hash it out and find out what the real issue was.. as I don't really think it could have been about the water running out. They do have kids. I don't think she should leave him. I think he made a horrible choice and would never do it again.

But I just said I had to think about it..

Any thoughts??

Replies

  • besaro
    besaro Posts: 1,858 Member
    stay out of it.
  • Brianna72994
    Brianna72994 Posts: 887
    He was way out of line. A man should never put his hands on a woman, ever.
  • 2012Mich
    2012Mich Posts: 91 Member
    Absolutely agree.

    But what would you do if you had children?
    Would you forget about all the years between you.

    Honestly I think what he did would completely change the way I felt about he relationship but because of the children I'd be in a dilemma.
  • PuppyFat44
    PuppyFat44 Posts: 32
    Hmm.. that's a tough situation. I hope this isn't really you and not your friend? I just get that feeling. Either way - even if it was just a one off, it has to be taken seriously. It's not the kind of thing that can be justified by "oh, he was angry" or "it's just not like him." If he's capable of doing it once, he's capable of doing it again, and depending on how it's handled now, that could be the case. If you're friend lets it slide to easily he might see it as an easy way of getting his point across in the future. She needs to address it and tell him although she understands his frustration she will not accept being treated that way - take a firm stance. It's totally unacceptable to behave that way full stop, let alone in front of children. What if he was to become frustrated with one of the children, would he hit them in the face? Her choice in handling this matter is also relevant to her kids. The most you can do is tell her is to assert herself and make it clear it was totally unacceptable. If she starts to justify it though, "it could have been my fault", "its only happened once", you need to be a good friend and tell her that domestic violence always starts somewhere and she needs to take it seriously, as minor as it may have seemed. Her own welfare and that of her kids is too important.
  • mavrick7
    mavrick7 Posts: 1,607 Member
    He was way out of line. A man should never put his hands on a woman, ever.

    If he did it once, he will do it again.

    I have boxed, wrestled, and been a lot of street fights. Never raised my hand to a woman, never will....
  • kimothy38
    kimothy38 Posts: 840 Member
    I couldn't, but stay out of it and let them sort it out is good advice.
  • lamoursuffit
    lamoursuffit Posts: 267 Member
    Stay out of it. I figure she's looking for someone to back her up so if you disagree, she won't listen anyway. This is way too tricky for her to be getting her friends involved.
  • graveflower316
    graveflower316 Posts: 169 Member
    stay out of it.

    I agree. It's not your business to intervene. All you can do is be there for your friend if she wants to discuss it, but stay impartial. No point in casting blame and looking like the bad guy when your friend ends up forgiving him.
  • Brianna72994
    Brianna72994 Posts: 887
    Absolutely agree.

    But what would you do if you had children?
    Would you forget about all the years between you.

    Honestly I think what he did would completely change the way I felt about he relationship but because of the children I'd be in a dilemma.

    If I had children, it would be even more of a reason for me to leave his *kitten*. I wouldnt want my children around that kind of thing, it sets such a bad example. If I had a son, it would teach him that its okay to hit a woman. If I had a daughter, it would teach her that its okay to stay with a man who hits you. Thats totally not okay.
  • Brianna72994
    Brianna72994 Posts: 887
    He was way out of line. A man should never put his hands on a woman, ever.

    If he did it once, he will do it again.

    I have boxed, wrestled, and been a lot of street fights. Never raised my hand to a woman, never will....

    Thats respectable. Guys should never hit a woman
  • graveflower316
    graveflower316 Posts: 169 Member
    He was way out of line. A man should never put his hands on a woman, ever.

    If he did it once, he will do it again.

    I have boxed, wrestled, and been a lot of street fights. Never raised my hand to a woman, never will....

    Thats respectable. Guys should never hit a woman

    Because men hitting a woman in like a human kicking a defenseless dog, right? So wrong.
  • juliecat1
    juliecat1 Posts: 3,450 Member
    They were both in the wrong and lost control. Bad place for both of them to be in and especially in front of kids. Id just suggest counseling so they can learn to communicate better.
  • shylil04
    shylil04 Posts: 176 Member
    It sounds to me that she is looking for some one to justify her actions. ie: "I shouldn't have raised my voice", "I knew that would make him mad", or "The kids should blame her instead for provoking him". When in turn he is the one at fault. I work around victims of domestic violence everyday. I am currently learning they need some one to be there for them, but also to help them see the truth. Truth is she will never feel safe around him. Everytime they argue no matter the severity, in the back of her mind she will be wondering is this the next time. My heart goes out to her and her family as well as you.
  • lamoursuffit
    lamoursuffit Posts: 267 Member
    I wonder how many women would justify it if the situation were reversed (i.e., if she hit him across the face.) Would they agree that no one should be hitting in general, or would they try to justify it with some stupid excuse about how he shouldn't have been cussing and raising her voice and carrying on?
  • Brianna72994
    Brianna72994 Posts: 887
    I wonder how many women would justify it if the situation were reversed (i.e., if she hit him across the face.) Would they agree that no one should be hitting in general, or would they try to justify it with some stupid excuse about how he shouldn't have been cussing and raising her voice and carrying on?

    I dont think anyone should be hitting, especially around kids
  • megalin9
    megalin9 Posts: 771 Member
    I'm probably going to be flamed for this, but it's something my husband and I have talked about and are both clear on the topic. He's basically warned me, and I respect his stance on the matter. Anyhow, while I don't think it's right for anybody to ever hit anybody, especially in front of children, I feel like this woman kind of had it coming. If I castrated my husband in front of my kids over such a petty thing (based on the description of the argument the OP provided), if I didn't allow him to get a word in or explain the situation, if I completely disrespected him and emasculated him, I could probably expect to be smacked. I'm not condoning it. I'm not excusing it. It shouldn't happen, but disrespecting your spouse with words can be just as harmful and abusive, in my opinion. Hopefully this was a one time occurrence, they were both extremely apologetic, and they will take the necessary steps to make sure it doesn't happen again. I would also hope they apologized to their children and reassured them that mommy and daddy love them and love each other.

    Let the flame throwing commence...

    Edited to add if it happened again, I would be out of there.
  • megalin9
    megalin9 Posts: 771 Member
    ...
  • Brianna72994
    Brianna72994 Posts: 887
    I think they were both wrong. She should have let him talk. He shouldnt hit her.
  • corn63
    corn63 Posts: 1,580 Member
    Your husband hitting you in front of your children... the damage is done.. They've seen it. You can either teach them that it's okay for Daddy to hit Mommy because he was mad or you can teach them it's not okay and leave.

    Don't stay because you have years between you. Who cares when you're getting your face slapped and your head bashed into the wall in front of your children?

    Edited to include that my scenario at the end is a future reference. Not a direct reflection on what happened.
  • hbrittingham
    hbrittingham Posts: 2,518 Member
    They were both in the wrong and lost control. Bad place for both of them to be in and especially in front of kids. Id just suggest counseling so they can learn to communicate better.

    Totally agree.
  • 2012Mich
    2012Mich Posts: 91 Member
    Thanks for all the opinions. We all grew up together and I am hesitant to say anything. As it might not be taken as an opinion but that I am choosing sides.

    I've pasted all the comments and sent it to her so that she can read through it herself and that I don't have to get involved.
  • magj0y
    magj0y Posts: 1,911 Member
    They were both in the wrong and lost control. Bad place for both of them to be in and especially in front of kids. Id just suggest counseling so they can learn to communicate better.

    ^^
    Sounds like she likes to push buttons to "win an argument"
    and he couldn't deal with it or walk away.

    While no one should hit their spouse, she was deliberately egging him on.
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