My Best Friend (And Worst Influence)

larlelar
larlelar Posts: 19 Member
in Health and Weight Loss
So, I've struggled with weight my whole life. I hit 200+ as a preteen, but when I moved out of state and became more independent I managed to get down to 125 and felt awesome and healthy.

After moving back home, having some medical problems and getting in and out of an abusive, controlling relationship, I am back to 200lbs. I need to start losing weight, as I am starting to get so depressed about I don't want to leave the house.

My biggest problem right now is my best friend. She's a great person, but she eats like a child, and often, and a lot, at least when she's around me. She eats nothing but cheese, eggs, potatoes, pizza, fried foods and sweets. If we go out to eat its at crappy diners and American restaurants because she doesn't like veggies or ethnic foods like me. The biggest issue is that if she is hungry she guilts me into eating with her by saying "I'm so hungry but I'm not eating alone. You have to eat with me." She'll also sometimes come over and just bring weakness foods of mine without asking... spinach dip, pizza, sweets... Last night I went out and got vegan sushi and felt great, and then we were supposed to hang out. I get in her car and she immediately tells me "I need dessert. Let's get dessert. Help me pick out a pie." My will power is not awesome, and she knows that. If I complain about being chubby or even talk about fixing it, she almost gets offended and starts talking about how she's bigger than I am and I am not unattractive and I don't need to lose weight.

She's a super sensitive girl, but I feel like I need to talk to her about this. I just don't know how. Any advice?

Replies

  • kacarter1017
    kacarter1017 Posts: 651 Member
    My take on this is she isn't much of a friend if she is sabotaging something important to you- like eating better. From the sounds of it, she doesn't want you to get healthy because she isn't and then she will look bad. This is pretty self centered behavior. I would sit her down and talk to her. Try to not become emotional, state facts. Tell her what is important to you, how she can support you. Maybe come up with some restaurants you would both be able to get foods you enjoy. Or make your time together NOT about food. If she can't support you in this, she isn't a good friend and I would question her "best friend" status in your life.
  • Sooze_1975
    Sooze_1975 Posts: 89 Member
    My take on this is she isn't much of a friend if she is sabotaging something important to you- like eating better. From the sounds of it, she doesn't want you to get healthy because she isn't and then she will look bad. This is pretty self centered behavior. I would sit her down and talk to her. Try to not become emotional, state facts. Tell her what is important to you, how she can support you. Maybe come up with some restaurants you would both be able to get foods you enjoy. Or make your time together NOT about food. If she can't support you in this, she isn't a good friend and I would question her "best friend" status in your life.

    Totally agree.
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
    She probably thinks that you will lose weight and want a skinny friend to hang out with instead of her....
  • Jxnsmma
    Jxnsmma Posts: 919 Member
    My take on this is she isn't much of a friend if she is sabotaging something important to you- like eating better. From the sounds of it, she doesn't want you to get healthy because she isn't and then she will look bad. This is pretty self centered behavior. I would sit her down and talk to her. Try to not become emotional, state facts. Tell her what is important to you, how she can support you. Maybe come up with some restaurants you would both be able to get foods you enjoy. Or make your time together NOT about food. If she can't support you in this, she isn't a good friend and I would question her "best friend" status in your life.

    totally. she is being selfish and only cares about herself...
  • Ginnyesq
    Ginnyesq Posts: 109
    Honestly, I think that if you just stand up to her and let her sit there and eat pie while you watch, she won't do it again.
  • dorilou1969
    dorilou1969 Posts: 87
    I think you need to take control of this situation, because she is not going to change. You need to make it very clear to her that you have changed your lifestyle and way of eating because you need to be healthy. Don't even get into the weight thing, because she will tell you that you are fine as is. But if you tell her you need to be healthier, how can she respond to that? Would she say, I don't want you to be healthy? or that you don't need to be healthy? If you don't bring up size as the reason for the lifestyle change, maybe she will not be as sensitive to it.
  • ShallaLovee1
    ShallaLovee1 Posts: 356 Member
    My take on this is she isn't much of a friend if she is sabotaging something important to you- like eating better. From the sounds of it, she doesn't want you to get healthy because she isn't and then she will look bad. This is pretty self centered behavior. I would sit her down and talk to her. Try to not become emotional, state facts. Tell her what is important to you, how she can support you. Maybe come up with some restaurants you would both be able to get foods you enjoy. Or make your time together NOT about food. If she can't support you in this, she isn't a good friend and I would question her "best friend" status in your life.

    totally. she is being selfish and only cares about herself...

    Agreed. Like Chalene Johnson says if your friends don't want to workout find new friends. About the same in this case. Tell her how you feel and if she doesn't care to understand then I suggest finding someone who does. I would hope that my bestfriend would want to do something life changing with me and if not then at least support me in doing it for myself. Good luck to you and if you need support I'm offering :)
  • 2012asv
    2012asv Posts: 702 Member
    if you want to continue to hang out with her you will need to strengthen your willpower AND let her know... "i'm serious" and mean it. If she won't eat alone too bad for her- she must not really be hungry.

    Food and eating should be the breaking point in your relationship, esp if she's your best friend.
  • Mistyblu08
    Mistyblu08 Posts: 580 Member
    My take on this is she isn't much of a friend if she is sabotaging something important to you- like eating better. From the sounds of it, she doesn't want you to get healthy because she isn't and then she will look bad. This is pretty self centered behavior. I would sit her down and talk to her. Try to not become emotional, state facts. Tell her what is important to you, how she can support you. Maybe come up with some restaurants you would both be able to get foods you enjoy. Or make your time together NOT about food. If she can't support you in this, she isn't a good friend and I would question her "best friend" status in your life.

    This!
  • michellekicks
    michellekicks Posts: 3,624 Member
    Your friend sounds like an addict who is looking for a codependent to encourage her. Tell her she's going to have to get her fix alone.
  • paprs
    paprs Posts: 47 Member
    That's a tough situation. I would sit her down and let her know that you are making a commitment to yourself to get healthier, and to have her support in the process would mean the world to you. Focus the conversation on how YOU want to make a healthy lifestyle change and you need the support of your best friend to do it, NOT what actions she's taking to sabotage you.

    I've also found that facts can go a long way in persuading naysayers. When she tells you that you don't need to lose weight, respond that you have an X% BMI, which is considered medically obese, and puts you at a higher risk for developing heart disease and diabetes. You want to feel healthy and energetic. Don't put yourself down around her (IE "I feel so fat and unattactive") - this is obviously feeding on her own insecurities, as she's bigger than you and takes your self-criticisms very personally.

    I hope that helps! Let us know how it goes.
  • kenazfehu
    kenazfehu Posts: 1,188 Member
    If she has been a good friend in other ways, I think it's worth having a talk with her. Tell her your goals and that you won't be available for pie-buying outings anymore. Suggest some things that you two could do together - get makeovers or manicures or pedicures, etc. Whatever you like to do.

    Then you will have to stand your ground, and if she continues to bully you, you will have to distance yourself. What she's doing - it isn't nice.
  • LRdamron
    LRdamron Posts: 2
    It's kind of like an intervention. You can't tell her how to behave and you shouldn't withhold love from her if she doesn't behave the way you want her to. but withholding love and refusing to participate are 2 different things. All you can do is tell her why you love her, but also why you've decided to eat healthier. You need to be clear with her about the things that you will no longer allow into your life (like crappy diners and unhealthy food). Tell her you want to hang out with her and you won't judge her behavior, but that you also won't participate any more. You're putting her on notice as to the changes you are going to make and giving her the choice of whether or not she wants to participate.
  • lizziebeth1028
    lizziebeth1028 Posts: 3,602 Member
    She's not much of a friend! Very selfish! And wants her food issues to become your food issues. Don't ever let anyone 'guilt' you into living a lifestyle you don't want! It concerns me because you're trying to break free from a controlling relationship. Now you're replacing one controlling person in your life with another. Stand your ground and be firm! Tell her outright that you intend on getting your life together and part of that is healthy lifestyle. If she pouts and feels bad...well that's her psychological problem not yours. I learned the hard way years ago....surround yourself with supportive positive people!!!!
  • jenf235
    jenf235 Posts: 157 Member
    I am going through something very similar right now, but my "best friend" totally stopped talking to me. We both started our weight loss journey around the same time, and she would send me weekly updates of her weightloss which made me feel awful! I never said anything to her, I would just use the annoyed feelings and put them to work burning calories on a fast walk! She then stalled and quit losing rapidly, then the texts stopped coming, and then she quit calling completely. I saw her at a baby shower a few weeks ago, I hadn't seen her in months. I was 50 pounds lighter and wore a cute dress...and all she said to me was, "Your hair looks nice." Then we went to dinner with a mutual friend on Friday and she totally ignored me and looked at my dinner like I was crazy...baked fish and rice isn't a crazy meal! I had offered to walk with her and always get the same response..."I can't keep up with you. My back hurts when I workout. I have to lose more weight before I can even consider exercising." I finally gave up trying to save the friendship because it was bringing me down. I need to stay positive to keep moving forward. My suggestion is to talk to her. If she isn't willing to listen, maybe you need to cut the strings. I am hoping that my friend and I were close enough that she will miss me some day and want to be friends again...because I do miss her. It is so hard to be on this journey with someone who doesn't think like you, or support your decision to get healthy. Good luck....Surround yourself with positive supportive friends!
  • MissKalhan
    MissKalhan Posts: 2,282 Member
    My bestie was really bad for this when I first started, then I had "the talk" with her. While I was living in the same city as her, I got her to go to the gym with me quite a bit and she even started to lose weight from it. Its either your best friend needs to hear you out and stop or you need to buck up and get some will power. Good luck!
  • KittieLea
    KittieLea Posts: 1,156 Member
    You want to get healthy and she is trying to keep you from doing that. You'll have to decide for yourself who wins-your health and your goals, or making your friend happy.
  • PayneAS
    PayneAS Posts: 669 Member
    My take on this is she isn't much of a friend if she is sabotaging something important to you- like eating better. From the sounds of it, she doesn't want you to get healthy because she isn't and then she will look bad. This is pretty self centered behavior. I would sit her down and talk to her. Try to not become emotional, state facts. Tell her what is important to you, how she can support you. Maybe come up with some restaurants you would both be able to get foods you enjoy. Or make your time together NOT about food. If she can't support you in this, she isn't a good friend and I would question her "best friend" status in your life.

    This and
    Honestly, I think that if you just stand up to her and let her sit there and eat pie while you watch, she won't do it again.

    That.

    Yes. Yes she can eat by herself. She isn't putting a gun to your head and making you eat when she does. Or eat what she does. Tell her you can't hang out with her any more if all she is going to do is eat. And enforce it. If you go to hang out with her and she wants to eat somewhere say No. And don't.

    My mother in law comes over at least once (if not twice) a week. And she always wants to order out. Do I participate? Only occasionally. When I do I order the healthiest thing on the menu. But more often than not I just don't eat with them. It isn't a big deal to me and I don't make it a big deal for them (i.e. I don't make them feel bad for eating out).
  • DenyseMarieL
    DenyseMarieL Posts: 673 Member
    The best thing a best friend can do is help you achieve your goals, not sabotage them. I would rethink my relationship.
  • Fvaisey
    Fvaisey Posts: 5,506 Member
    I don't think I'm ready to just label your friend as selfish. There are a lot of reasons why people are over weight and we've all experienced them. Change is difficult and she isn't ready to join you now. You became friends because you have something in common. Some of those things are changing. I would say that you need to do what's right for yourself. Hopefully there is a way to leave a door open for friendship, just remember you aren't helping her or yourself by giving in to her co-dependencies.
  • LauraDotts
    LauraDotts Posts: 732 Member
    Honestly, if you can't stick to your eating plan in the face of your friend eating pizza or say, "no" to her gifts of food then you won't reach your goals. You don't have to be rude. "Thanks but no thanks" goes a long way. You will have to face and resist food temptation your whole life. Be prepared. If she's coming over to hang out have snacks you can eat ready. If you are going some place with her, don't go hungry so that if she decides to stop for ice cream you can be happy with a diet soda. Ultimately, every bite going into your mouth is under your control.
  • larlelar
    larlelar Posts: 19 Member
    Thank you guys... I know a lot of this is my own problem with being a pushover and worrying about upsetting people I care about. I'll have a talk with her very soon... I can't have an awesome, healthy day only to have her come over and hand me sweets anymore... I hope that she'll maybe even want to work out with me sometimes... She's been having stomach and digestive problems lately and I'm worried its because of her lifestyle.

    Thanks for yor advice, I needed a kick in the tush to stop being such a coward. I could also really use more MFP buddies... So, add me if you wanna, I promise encouraging words. :)
  • tmauck4472
    tmauck4472 Posts: 1,785 Member
    You are just going to have to stay strong and say no. Tell her you love her but your going to get healthy for you. Try to stay away from I'm fat and need to lose weight comments especially if she is bigger than you, just tell her your getting healthy for you and you will still go places with her but eating out or eating unhealthy foods are no longer an option. Call it what it is, getting healthy.
  • TeriLynnSpano
    TeriLynnSpano Posts: 103 Member
    Ok, this a hard one that I understand because my husband is thin and eats simular to your friend and likes us to eat together. But what your friend needs to understand is that obesity KILLS:sad: and you don't want to shorten your life! What I do is eat with my husband but I eat different food choices. I don't know if that will work with your friend. And sometimes it is still hard for me because I like unhealthy foods. They usually are comfort foods. I 'm thinking that you and your friend are still young but time goes by so fast, you and your friend will be middle aged before you know it. Maybe you could have a talk with your friend along these lines and let her know how important her health and long life is important to you as well as your health and long life. Good luck!!!!!!:heart:

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