Fear of Success?

AmberJo1984 · October 2012

I'll be honest... my biggest fear is not failure. It is success.

Don't get me wrong... I want success. I feel better physically and mentally (most of the time) when I am working out and eating healthy. I want to be healthy. But... the more I think about it... the more I believe the reason I have always hidden behind food is to stay hidden... and not to get hurt. As someone who was abused as a child, and witnessed the abuse of my mother, I am terrified of getting hurt again. I am fighting against myself. Against feeling more "comfortable" with continuing to hide. I'm afraid that when I lose this weight, men will start noticing, and I'll end up getting hurt all over again. Is this stupid? I feel stupid for even writing it out... but, it's been in my mind for a few days, and I can't get the fear to leave me alone.

I don't want to quit this journey. I don't want to fail. I want to succeed... and I want to be healthy. My past is trying to hold me back, though...

bradphil87 · October 2012

Someone once said to me "what's one thing you would do, if I told you you couldn't fail."

Gallowmere1984 · October 2012

Letting an emotional past determine your physical future seems pretty damned silly when you actually think about it. We all deal with disappointment, emotional baggage, etc., though the decision as to whether or not you let it determine your success if up to you.

We all have **** to deal with, and the best of us deal with it well. Be one of those.

Cherp18 · October 2012

You are not alone. I think those feelings are common.

I like what Brad says.

Let's ignore the mind and just do what we're doing. We'll get slim and then decide if we like it.

sandrahermione · October 2012

I feel just like you. I know it's stupid but I feel if I succeed people will look at me. I had a few unpleasant encounters when young and I sometimes imagine what it would be like to be slim and walk down the street in gorgeous clothes (elegant not tarty) and I get panicky. I am sorry I cannot help you much other than to say keep visualising. Lose weight slowly, adjust It will help your head get used to the idea maybe. I just wanted you to know you are not alone and besides when a predator took me off as a five year old I was wearing muddy wellies and track suit bottoms. I got away and was very lucky but it shows it is not the girl's or her clothes' fault.
All the best on your journey.

Stenobun · October 2012

I think you're very smart for realizing that success can be just as scary (if not more so) than failure, because a lot of people never figure that out and it holds them back. I think if you acknowledge the way you're feeling and then don't let it beat you, you'll be a much stronger person for it. And, no, you're definitely not the only person to feel that way. I've been invisible for years and now I'm already thinking about what people are going to start saying to me when they notice the weight loss. Sometimes I think it will be nice, but a lot of the time I worry about people feeling free to discuss my body with me. That thought makes me uncomfortable, but I know I have to get over it in order to be healthy.

UKChloeT · October 2012

If your fear of being noticed and gaining unwanted attention from men is making you want to stop losing weight and being healthy then I would recommend speaking to a professional about it. You can't let your past control your future.
x

bufger · October 2012

Why dont you let your fitness and training drive you to becoming stronger and less like a victim. Ever seen Jennifer Lopez in the film Enough? thats one chick that can take care of herself in a dangerous situation.

Take up a martial arts class. Good fitness and raises self confidence and belief.

npetercmway · October 2012

This is so me! Several years ago I lost a bunch of weight and it scared the heck out of me and I turned around and put it back on to become invisible again. I am very aware of this quirk with me and am working on overcoming it. Being healthy is more important to me than how people react around me. Yes absolutely it is scary but I have decided that my health is more important to me than how I am treated. In coming to this realization, it is making me a stronger person and as a stronger person I am more able to deal with others. It is a personal thing that you have to be willing to work through and be willing to become stronger to care more about yourself and your health than those around you. I personally am done with letting others control my life. I hope that you find your way there!

moraldd · October 2012

I'll be honest... my biggest fear is not failure. It is success.

Don't get me wrong... I want success. I feel better physically and mentally (most of the time) when I am working out and eating healthy. I want to be healthy. But... the more I think about it... the more I believe the reason I have always hidden behind food is to stay hidden... and not to get hurt. As someone who was abused as a child, and witnessed the abuse of my mother, I am terrified of getting hurt again. I am fighting against myself. Against feeling more "comfortable" with continuing to hide. I'm afraid that when I lose this weight, men will start noticing, and I'll end up getting hurt all over again. Is this stupid? I feel stupid for even writing it out... but, it's been in my mind for a few days, and I can't get the fear to leave me alone.

I don't want to quit this journey. I don't want to fail. I want to succeed... and I want to be healthy. My past is trying to hold me back, though...

Stop the abuse. Get professional help if you have to but don't let your abuser continue to mess up your life. You can't change your past but you have the power to shape your future. Find someone you can trust to talk to and work it out of your system and move on with your life. Don't let your precious life be wasted reliving those dark years. There are still a few good men left in the world, I wish you luck finding one.

AmberJo1984 · October 2012

I want to thank everyone for your kind and truthful words. It is "pretty damned silly" (as one person put it) to allow myself to hold on to that abuse and let it control me. I have fought against those feelings for a long time. I'm still fighting against them. I actually was doing ok, and then the feelings struck again.

As for talking to a counselor.... I have. Several of them. I haven't had much luck finding one I trust (except for the lady that was the group counselor when I was in the hospital -- but, she doesn't do individual therapy). I'll start looking again, though. You're all right... I do need someone I can talk to that can help me work through these feelings.

And, addressing what a few said about becoming strong to make myself less like a victim... that's the main reason I'm continuing on this path this time. I'm not going to go back to my old lifestyle. Unfortunately, the feelings are still there, though... and I'm just trying to fight them. I'm getting tired, though... but, I'm still fighting.

cebreisch · October 2012

Recently, a coworker switched from our corporate office to the field office where I work. I've lost just over 100 pounds, and she's doing the, "Oh, what are you eating - I'm going to eat what you eat, do what you do, etc. etc. etc."

That derailed me a little - I was like, "OOOh, don't look at me - I'm not any example of what's going to work for you! STOP THAT!!" LOL

Don't give up on finding a counselor - keep searching until you find one that you're comfortable with. I just had to find a new doctor to help with my continued weight loss efforts, and image issues, and went through a few before I settled on the current one, and I'm still proceeding cautiously because I don't want to have those efforts derail me either.

Proceed cautiously and keep doing things that will serve to best help you in your efforts to lose weight and gain the confidence. It's a tiring process, but it's worth it.

AmberJo1984 · October 2012

Proceed cautiously and keep doing things that will serve to best help you in your efforts to lose weight and gain the confidence. It's a tiring process, but it's worth it.

You're right... it is definitely a tiring process. Sometimes I just want things to be easy and allow me to rest. And, I want the fear to just disappear suddenly. But, then I remember that without a little hard work and struggle, the caterpillar cannot change into a butterfly. My past is what made me who I am. How I handle that past. I've not always handled it right. And, it still scares the crap out of me... but, I can either let it win or I can let it make me stronger.

ahviendha · October 2012

I had some issues as well, and after seeing 3-4 counselors, decided I was tired of "talking about it" and wanted cognitive behavioral therapy.

Worked WAY better, and in fewer sessions! I hated just dredging up the past and rehashing. I wanted tools to conquer my fear and cognitive behavioral therapy gave me the tools.

sam308lbs · October 2012

i remember three years ago..i had just lot close to 100 pounds( I was 25 and had never been anthig but obese all my life) and had taken admission in a college.I became one of the weird guys on the campus pretty soon and here is why
1) i would only wear bright clothes..red...yellow..pink and i would get so many stares..why cuz as a teenager i was always wearing adult clothes and never got to wear the colorful stuff everyone else wore.
2) i would feel so embarrassed and react stupidly when someone passed me a compliment.
3) i couddnt even talk to girls properly and people interpreted this as having a attitude problem( never had the courage to talk to one cuz i was always so fat)
4) i would be very very helpful and annoyingly sweet to people and they wouldnt like it and be even more rude cuz no one wants a grown up acting like a child(thats how i behaved when i was fat..so that people would like me)
5)i was checking out the mirror 10 times a day..i never really got used to my new face..if we were out in the open..i would be the first one to complain about the harsh sun and the tanning..i was soo conscious about my appearance as it was pathetic
6) At the dinner table again..lots of time spent deliberating over what to eat and what not eat..coming off as super weird again
And there are so many other silly things i would do but i cant remember right now.Well after a while i gained it back but this time i am better prepared to deal with fear of success as you put it.

Coach_Jenny · October 2012

I felt the exact same way!!! For the longest time I thought it was fear of failure but the closer I got to my goals the more scared I got! I was so annoyed with myself because I didn't think that was how I should be feeling! I couldn't really put a finger on it until I started getting attention from men. I specifically remember getting "checked out" at the grocery store. I remember feeling uncomfortable about it, but didn't think anymore of it. Months later I had gained about 45lbs back! I have since lost the weight I gained back and recently I was out shopping and it happened again! A man "checked me out" and I instantly slouched over, put my eyes to the ground and felt anxiety take over. In that moment I realized that I hadn't fully conquered some of my issues and knew they needed to be addressed and that odds are I had more than likely gained that weight back unconsciously as a way to "protect" myself.

I am very conscious now of how I act when people give me compliments or when I get "checked out." Instead of shying away I make myself smile and keep my head up.

I would definitely recommend to continue looking for a therapist that works for you. You may have to go through several until you find the one that works for you. I highly recommend Cognitive Behavioral Therapy as well.

The fact that you are aware of what's going on and how you are feeling and where those feelings are coming from is really going to help you in the long run. Now that you know what's going on you can take action to heal.

Fear of Success?

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