My stepdaughter is going to kill me!!!! GRRRRRRRRRR!!! (Lo

elysant
elysant Posts: 139
edited September 20 in Chit-Chat
Okay, so I have a 17 year old stepdaughter who is a junior in high school.

Her assistant principal called my husband this morning and asked if there was any way we could come in today for a meeting. My husband, of course, said yes and we have just returned from that meeting. I will say this...... we are NOT happy!!!

So, even though she is 17 she does not have a driver's license as the condition she was given (at 14) to getting one was that she had to have a job. She has refused to do so. It's not that she has tried but cannot get a job (I would be understanding of that) she has blatantly refused to even attempt to get a job. So, because she will not get a job, she does not have a driver's license we have to take her to school every morning. My husband drops her off at 8:00, her first class starts at 8:15 or 8:20 (weird schedule and she has first hour off). She has been consistently marked absent from her first class. When asked why she would tell us that she had to go to her locker, the bathroom, get a drink, etc. and was late to class. She just couldn't understand why she was being marked absent when she was just late and would be sure to talk to her teacher about it and get it taken care of.

Fast forward to today... there we are, in the principals office (I have my 2 year old on my lap) waiting to hear what is going on. The principal thanks us for coming in and says he is waiting for a couple of other people to arrive before we start. My husband and I are starting to freak out trying to figure out what is going on. So, a minute later her Chemistry teacher (first class) walks in, and about 30 seconds behind him comes my stepdaughter.

The principal starts by asking my stepdaughter if she knows why we are all there. My husband and I are both thinking she broke something, mouthed off to the teacher, did something stupid in class, etc. She looks around and us and answers, "I think so." I THINK SO.... when I found out why we were there, I could have kicked her!

He then asks her to explain to us why we are there. She said NOTHING!!!! The little chicken **** couldn't even open her mouth and give us an answer. He Chemistry teacher is the one who tells us that she has not been in class for the last 24 class days.

24!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He also tells us that she has not turned in a single assignment and, therefore, her grade is currently a 0%. A ZERO PERCENT!!!!!!

I was angry right then I could have spit fire!!! I certainly felt like doing so!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We just spent our last 2 weekends walking around college campuses to see where she would like to go when she graduates.... That may not happen now because she can't be bothered to go to class, she evidently has better things to do with her time.

My husband asked her what she had been doing during the time she was supposed to be in class and she couldn't answer. Nothing, not "I don't know," not "sitting around on my lazy *kitten* with my friend who doesn't have a class that hour." NOTHING!!!!!!

Needless to say, she is grounded for a VERY long time. She will not be seeing anyone or anything until she gets her grades up to acceptable (which is a C). I never thought that we asked too much of her. She was expected to attend class and keep her grades at C's or better. I didn't think that was all that much to ask. AAAHHHHGGGG!!!

Then, she had the audacity to get upset and cop an attitude when she was told that she was being grounded. Honestly, it's a VERY good think my 2 year old was there, because if he hadn't been sitting in my lap, I might have slapped her!

She has also been told that she is to be in class and on time to EVERY class until the rest of the semester. The first time she is absent or tardy to ANY class she will be grounded indefinitely.

Okay... I feel better now after ranting for a bit. I am so angry with her I can hardly see straight. She is SO much more intelligent than this! UGH..

Thanks for listening :O)

Replies

  • LongMom
    LongMom Posts: 408 Member
    Oh boy...I have two daughters, they're only 3 1/2 and 1 1/2....this is giving me insight and confirming what I've been told - Teenage Girls are KILLER.

    Stay strong mom :) *hUgS*
  • gracefullyjenn
    gracefullyjenn Posts: 148
    ahhh Deep Breath! Parenthood is so much fun. I am so dreading the teen years. Hang in there. Go exercise and burn off the steam.
  • Ezzie
    Ezzie Posts: 665 Member
    The joys of being a (step) parent of a teen. Will the school call you if she is late or absent from any of her classes? This might head off any further problems more quickly.

    Can't blame you for being upset, you were definitely blindsided and sweet teen was certainly less than truthful about her absences. Grounded in cement sounds about right until she can pull her head out of the sand and start earning grades that will let her actually go to college.
    Hang in there, just like weight loss this won't be an easy fix, one day at a time, and lots of support from folks who care about you.
    Hugzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!
  • m2kjenn
    m2kjenn Posts: 1,671 Member
    I'm so sorry for your struggles with your stepdaughter. Can't offer much other than understanding. I have two daugthers myself, a 17 year old junior and 15 year old freshman I completely understand your frustration.

    You are doing the right thing, make her accountable and limit her options.
  • jlbower25
    jlbower25 Posts: 8 Member
    I feel your pain. I have an adopted daughter who has hit her teenage years and now can't be trusted to complete any of her assignments either without her teacher and I emailing back and forth every week. Stay stong!!
  • amymeenieminymo
    amymeenieminymo Posts: 2,394 Member
    Wow, 24 times? Why hasn't the school contacted you way before this? I am NO expert by any means (I don't even have kids) but since I was one not TOO long ago....do you think you could find a way to get to the bottom of the problem? Kids don't usually act up just because they feel like it. Are you and her dad newly married, is she showing signs of having difficulty adjusting to it? Does she see her mother often? What is your relationship with her mother,and her fathers relationship with her mother? (You don't have to answer that, just something to think about). Like I said, I may not know what I am talking about but I think sometimes just punishing a child without addressing the deeper issue can cause even more angst and resentment for the kid (though I do think she should still be punished for her actions).

    Good luck to you!
  • karenpeb
    karenpeb Posts: 23
    Wasn't the school calling you to report she wasn't coming to that class? Why did it take the school 24 school days to let you know she wasn't showing up for that class?

    If they don't or won't let you know she's not going to class then call them every Friday to make sure she's going and is never late.

    I've got a stepdaughter that gets all A's without even trying (yeah I'm lucky :smile: ), but she won't try and find a job. If she doesn't want to drive or have any money in her pocket then she suffers not me.

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  • red01angel
    red01angel Posts: 806 Member
    My brother pulled that crap in high school, and since my parents sent us to Catholic school, they worked out how much school cost per day, and made him pay them back for every day he skipped.
  • drvvork
    drvvork Posts: 1,162
    Yes... take a deep breathe... teenage years are survivable... at least the school didn't threaten to throw you in jail!! That happened twice! My son then years later with my step-daughter!! My son - I would drive "3" blocks to school daily - (had my baby in the car too nasty to walk with her) - and sit to w a t c h my boy walk right past the vice-principle and into the school... I would drive home and unload my daughter, walk into the house to the phone ringing... threatening ME with jail because my son skipped school!!!! Let me tell you IT WAS ON!!!!!! It was a real headache but he graduated and I didn't go to jail... LOL... Step-daughter was a different story as it was not a good marriage and I had no part in her upbringing but they threatened me just the same... caused problems all around as I threatened her with juvey.... big fights... but yes they are trying times... we all lived through them... Oh, she graduated too... no college for either but they have their High School Diplomas... :bigsmile:
  • ScarletTarah
    ScarletTarah Posts: 117 Member
    You know this exact thing happened with my stepdaughter, turned out she was smoking pot.

    I would go much farther then the grounding she's 17 nearly an adult, I would completely stop buying her clothing, makeup, music, phone whatever it is she "JUST HAS TO HAVE"

    food, tampons, shampoo, and deodorant is all she would get out of me, other then that she'll just have to get a job and buy for herself.
    also they do it here maybe they'd do it where ever you are, drop her off in the office and she is escorted to her classes ( how embarrassing)
  • mkwood10
    mkwood10 Posts: 428
    Hang in there.......I've survived 2 teenage daughters and was principal's secretary at a large high school for 11 years. I've heard every excuse in the book, plus a few that were VERY creative!!!


    I know - absent 24 class days with no notification is totally unexcuseable, but.........................did the teacher notify the office that she was absent all those days??? Most schools use computer based attendance programs that the teacher has to log absences in, so if the teacher doesn't log the absences, the office doesn't know she's absent. I don't know how large the high school is, but the office staff may not have time to check everyone's attendance daily. However, now that you (and the school) are aware of the problem, you can ask them to notify you every time she's absent and you haven't excused it in advance.

    Is it only her chemistry class she's skipping?? If it is just chemistry, is there a conflict with the chemistry teacher or another student in that class?? You might want to ask her counselor to arrange a meeting with all of her teachers so you can get a better understanding of how she's doing overall. Does her high school have student tutors available to maybe help her try to catch up so she can pass the class??

    Stay strong on the grounding...........she'll probably tell you she hates you every day, but remind her that she brought this on herself by not doing what she is expected to do............go to school!!!

    I know this is probably pretty overwhelming right now, but take a deep breathe, count to 10 (or 50.....:laugh: ) and remind yourself that things could be a lot worse.........think of the alternatives!! You will survive this.......and so will she!!!:heart::heart:
  • elysant
    elysant Posts: 139
    So to answer some of the questions - the district here has an online thing where we can go and check her attendance and grades whenever we want. Her chemistry teacher is one of those that doesn't enter grades in other than twice per semester (at 6 weeks, then again for finals). The school also calls when she is marked absent or tardy from classes. So we knew she was being marked absent and would talk to her about it but she was telling us that she didn't know what was going on because she was there and on time. She got all indignant and everything.

    My husband told her that if she is marked tardy or absent to any class for the rest of the semester that he will escort her to every one of her classes until she figures out how to get herself there without a problem. I thought she was going to explode!!!

    There haven't been any major changes with her since last semester. He father and I have been married for almost 3 years now, she sees her mom every weekend (although that woman is another story in itself), her parents relationship hasn't really changed in the last 17 years, they have never gotten along.

    As for the drug thing... that was my husband's first concern. My husband wants to go through her room to see if he can find anything. I'm going to leave that up to him though... I don't really think she's into anything like that. I think she's been ditching because chemistry is hard for her and she would rather sit and hang out with her friends than be in class because she doesn't understand what is going on.

    We haven't paid for anything for her other than the necessities since she was 15. When she started refusing to get a job we told her that we weren't going to buy her anything that she didn't absolutely need until she got one (along with her not getting to get her driver's license). It doesn't work well though because her mother just gives her whatever she wants so that she can look like the super hero. (She doesn't pa for anything that is important though (we haven't gotten any money from her to pay for school supplies, fees, etc. for about 4 years now).

    Thanks for the encouragement all. I love her to death. She's just going to kill me before she moves out if she doesn't pull her head out of her rear end!!! :o)
  • nursevee
    nursevee Posts: 344 Member
    You know... I get scared about the big teenage years. My 11 year old already has a really lax attitude towards everything but her social life and doesn't seem to grasp why school is so important. If I thought she was unintelligent then I'd probably lay off her. I know she's not academic but she is soooooo smart that it drives me wild. I'm terrified of sending her to the wrong school/district because there seems to be a major difference here. I don't need her getting into the wrong crowd.

    I think you definately did the right thing. The first thing to go is the cell, the second is the social life and the last is bars on the window. I don't want to be a crazy, paranoid, hardass parent but do they give you a choice???

    Ack.

    Good luck. I'm not looking forward to the next few years!!!!
  • SageGoddess320
    SageGoddess320 Posts: 2,589 Member
    I was a very BAD teenager.....skipped classes, didn't turn in homework, not to mention all the illegal activities I'm not proud of. My school system sucked, so my father had to take matters into his own hands. He created a "weekly progress report" that had to be signed by each teacher. This progress report included a current grade section and comment section. Needless to say....my life turned around very quickly......and I have him to thank for it.
  • elysant
    elysant Posts: 139
    You know... I get scared about the big teenage years. My 11 year old already has a really lax attitude towards everything but her social life and doesn't seem to grasp why school is so important. If I thought she was unintelligent then I'd probably lay off her. I know she's not academic but she is soooooo smart that it drives me wild. I'm terrified of sending her to the wrong school/district because there seems to be a major difference here. I don't need her getting into the wrong crowd.

    I think you definately did the right thing. The first thing to go is the cell, the second is the social life and the last is bars on the window. I don't want to be a crazy, paranoid, hardass parent but do they give you a choice???

    Ack.
    Good luck. I'm not looking forward to the next few years!!!!


    Thanks :o) The worst thing we can do to her is take away her access to her boyfriend. She only uses the cell phone to talk to him and her mom and doesn't really have much of a social life (other that at school, which we can't take away :o) ). So, in grounding her she loses access to her boyfriend. She doesn't get to go out, he doesn't get to come over, and we have a plan where we can restrict her phone access to a specified set of numbers (mine, my husbands, her mother, and grandparents).

    They really don't give much choice sometimes. It makes me crazy. :o)

    Gutterball - It's great that you dad cared enough to set up his own method to make sure you were doing what you were supposed to. :o)
  • kgasser
    kgasser Posts: 333 Member
    Duct tape...that is what I suggest...duct tape...it is my plan, so I figured I would share it with you...think about it...if you duct tape her to her chemistry class chair, she can't get leave...if you duct tape her mouth she can't give you greif...if you duct tape her butt to her desk she will have little more to do than to study...it IS a viable plan...and the one I choose for my 3 children's future...oh, and duct tape and a tree makes a FABULOUS babysitter...just thought I would throw that on in!

    :noway: :noway: :laugh: :laugh: :bigsmile: :bigsmile: :noway: :noway: :laugh: :laugh: :bigsmile: :bigsmile:
  • deedeehawaii
    deedeehawaii Posts: 279 Member
    When my highschooler's friends are in trouble at school, we moms compare notes. Here's a couple of thoughts for you to consider:

    1) Habitual ditching of a class usually starts "after" the student is failing (ditching is not the "cause" of the failing in the beginning, ditching just insures a failure that has already started).
    2) Hanging around the schoolyard during class is prohibited at our high school, so the kids are usually somewhere else (like in the library) or they go off campus.
    3) Pot is often involved somehow. Maybe not at school (but sometimes yes, during breaks out in the field), or off campus. Somehow the slacker kids sort of find each other, and someone in that crowd bring along some pot.
    4) There are worse things than pulling a failing student out of a class and putting them in another class, even if it means they will need to make up the required subject later (like a math or science class). Allowing a student to feel overwhelmed sort of sets them up for not even trying anymore.
    5) If needed, then require a daily check-in by the teacher. They can do it online (if your school has that feature), or by email, or by calling, or by a note home, etc. . Require the principal to institute a method of daily reports by the teacher. Do not allow your child to slip through the cracks. And at the same time, you parents have the responsibility to make sure you follow your child's attendance also, and not fall for some made up excuse by your child (should she try that again).

    Good luck! While all this is going on, remember to also try to think of YOUR OWN HEALTH! You can do more for your entire family if you are feeling well and healthy, so use that as additional motiviation to think of yourself, too! :flowerforyou:
  • elysant
    elysant Posts: 139
    Duct tape...that is what I suggest...duct tape...it is my plan, so I figured I would share it with you...think about it...if you duct tape her to her chemistry class chair, she can't get leave...if you duct tape her mouth she can't give you greif...if you duct tape her butt to her desk she will have little more to do than to study...it IS a viable plan...and the one I choose for my 3 children's future...oh, and duct tape and a tree makes a FABULOUS babysitter...just thought I would throw that on in!

    :noway: :noway: :laugh: :laugh: :bigsmile: :bigsmile: :noway: :noway: :laugh: :laugh: :bigsmile: :bigsmile:

    Not a bad idea... hmmmmmmmmmmmm, It's cheap too!! They many wonders of duct tape :o) LOL Thanks :O)
    :laugh: :bigsmile: :tongue: :laugh:
  • mkwood10
    mkwood10 Posts: 428
    Hang in there.............things will get better.........I promise they will!!!
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