Dealing with your SO who isn't on board...

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swbernstel
swbernstel Posts: 15 Member
in Motivation and Support
Hi all,

So, On and off the past 2 years, I've been trying to get in better shape. My level of dedication to my body was dependent on my school and work load. That has subsided now and so I've gotten back into my rigorous routine (approx. 8~10 hours/week combined cardio and weight training). My fiance, whom I love to death, has not made this the easiest. We live together (Er mah gerd, yer gerrin tah herrllll!) and therefore, any time I have to work out kinda takes away from the time we could potentially be spending together (at least that's how she sees it). Not to mention, her diet consists mainly of cheese, bread, and gummi bears. She constantly says she needs to lose weight when she really doesn't have much to lose (curvy 5'-7" 140 lbs). However, it's really hard to grocery shop when we are eating on opposite ends of the health spectrum. And I made the huge mistake of offering to help her with a diet/workout program ("What? You think I'm fat?!?!?!"). Anyhoo, I'd like to get some feedback as to how others have dealt with this situation. If you need any more details, just ask.

~Sam

Replies

  • Jenspark
    Jenspark Posts: 12 Member
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    My SO is semi-supportive of my efforts. He does better when I ask him to help specifically i.e. please don't make me feel guilty when I don't want to eat out or please don't bring home unhealthy snacks. I sometimes feel guilty about spending time working out when I could be spending time with him, but we've been married 15 years so its not quite as big of a deal for us. I invite him to come work out with me all the time, but so far he hasn't taken me up on it.

    It does get old eating healthy while watching my SO eat anything he wants and sometimes its really tough to stick with it, but I just keep picturing myself healthy and reminding myself that I'm doing this for me and I can't do it for him. He will have to make that decision for himself whenever he's ready.
  • swbernstel
    swbernstel Posts: 15 Member
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    Thanks. That does help a little. I just don't want to end up like the rest of my family and she seems to have a hard time understanding that.
  • ubermensch13
    ubermensch13 Posts: 824 Member
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    So, I can only tell my story, and I'm not sure how much this will help. My wife, whom is not overweight but survives on a diet of mac and cheese, cookies and chips and dip has a hard time understanding why I want to be in better shape(I"m not in BAD shape, but I want to be GREAT shape). We have decided to shop separately. I go to the store for my stuff and plan my meals(unless we go out, or on the days she wants to have fish with me) and she buys her stuff. We both work very demanding jobs(50+ hours a week min) and sometimes it is hard to go to the gym at night instead of spending time with her. The one thing that helps on our end is I'm a morning person and she is not, so on the weekends I get up early to use the gym while she is still sleeping. I think the best you can do is keep your stuff separate from hers, make sure she understands this is what you want to do for both of you and use willpower to avoid her unhealthy foods in the house.
  • deksgrl
    deksgrl Posts: 7,237 Member
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    Have you really talked seriously with her about your concerns, wanting to be as healthy as possible because of hereditary health issues, etc? Let her know how important it is to you, and of course a healthier you is better for her as well. Are there activities the two of you ever enjoyed that were active that maybe you could take up again that would check the "spending time together" box, if you said hey honey, why don't we do xyz like we used to...... without mentioning anything about fitness or health? Do you have a dog, or have a lifestyle that would allow you to get one? Dogs need walking. You aren't going to be able to change her mind unless and until she is ready, but there are ways to get her on board with being supportive.
  • bcattoes
    bcattoes Posts: 17,299 Member
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    And I made the huge mistake of offering to help her with a diet/workout program ("What? You think I'm fat?!?!?!").

    The answer to this is "I'm not talking about your weight, I'm talking about your health."

    Being at a healthy weight is a just one component of health. I have several relatives that have been thin their entire lives that now have hypertension, diabetes, and/or heart or vascular problems. Being naturally thin, or eating nothing but junk in portions small enough to keep you from getting fat, only removes one disease risk factor. There are other risk factors to worry about besides weight.
  • Cindy873
    Cindy873 Posts: 1,165
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    My husband is very supportive of me and tells me often how proud he is of me...but he really needs to lose at least 50 pounds and he's not even remotely interested in making changes. He eats the healthy foods I make and he enjoys them, but he eats wayyyyy too much in terms of portion size. If I make a smaller meal he'll eat it and then make another meal later on. A few years ago I bought him a one year membership to the gym I was using so we could work out together. He went twice. I've told him more than once that I worry about his health and I want us to have a long and healthy life together. When it comes down to it, though, he has to be the one to decide that he is ready for change. It frustrates me. It upsets me. Sometimes it makes me angry (as in, I work hard to stay fit and attractive for him, but he won't do the same for me, or for his own health and well-being). I don't nag, but I love the guy so much and I wish he took his health more seriously.

    So unfortunately, I don't have any great advice for you, sorry! But if you figure it out, let me know. I could use some advice as well! :smile:

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