Dating Dilemma

Breckgirl · March 2010

I have been emailing a guy on a dating site and he is one of the few who has written long letters back to me, usually guys write just enough to get you to meet them. We have talked on the phone and we were very comfortable with each other and the conversation came easy. We have not met because we live about an hour away from each other and both of us are very busy right now. In our last phone conversation he said that he tends to be open-minded but he wouldn't be interested in anyone that weighed like 300 lbs...and my mind just froze, along with my mouth! I mumbled something about we all had our own standards and left it at that. At this point I should share with you that I'm 5"10" and currently weigh 248...not 300 but close. This is my dilemma... it will be at least three more weeks before it's even conceivable for us to meet. I've been loosing about 3.5 lbs a week so hopefully another 10.5 before then. The question is should I try to put off meeting him even longer? We've been emailing and talking for about a month now.

I don't usually shirk from explaining to guys online that I'm not a Barbie doll or a stick person, and my profile says "a few pounds over weight" (which was the only option available). I guess the reason why I'm bulking at telling him is that he is so different from the MANY other guys I've met online. He's educated, witty, articulate, down to earth, and we have a lot in common. I don't want to sabotage this and I won't lie either but a little delay? What do you wonderful people think? Men I need to hear from you too.

OneMission · March 2010

IMO, you should do what you feel comfortable doing.
Be it meeting him "on schedule" or waiting a bit.
Either way, he should like you for who you are...not how much of you there is or isn't :happy:

Whatever you choose, I hope the best for you.
Best of luck to you on BOTH of your missions

:flowerforyou: T

mvl1014 · March 2010

I agree and just wanted to point out that 50 lbs makes a HUGE difference!

Kellee76 · March 2010

I lost about 70 pounds and maintained it for about five years. I started dating my boyfriend when I was at my lowest weight ever--five pounds less than I was in high school! I've really been feeling down about myself because I've been battling an illness and, after trying two medications for a year or more, put on nearly 50 pounds of that weight back on since first getting together with my boyfriend. I thought he was just being nice when he said he still found me to be sexy. He finally confessed that he was first attracted to me many years ago when I was at my heaviest--because he thought I was pretty and I had a good heart and was smart and fun: Things that he said haven't changed no matter what my weight is.

I guess what I'm trying to say is this... Don't put off meeting him. If he's the right guy for you, he's going to be into you. If he's not the right guy for you, your losing ten pounds won't make him any better. Put a little more value on yourself in this interaction. Your dignity is worth the trouble. After all, I've heard plenty of guys say that there's nothing sexier on a woman than CONFIDENCE.

Best of luck to you.

thumper44 · March 2010

Guys have NO idea what a women weighs, your 5'10 so I'm sure you carry 248lbs very well.
I'm sure he saw that you were "a few pounds over weight".

I think his comment about he wouldn't be interested in someone weighing 300lbs refers to, in mens terms.

IMO. His polite way of saying.
"He doesnt' want to be dating an obese women who's lazy and sits on the couch."

Be honest with him, and if you feel comfortable about it, slip into the conversations that you have to exercise tomorrow, or have to do something after your exercising.

I think he'll admire you more if your over weight but your doing something about it.

Don't worry about the 300lb comment. as mvl1014 said 50 lbs makes a big difference.

FluffnStuff · March 2010

I agree with what a lot of the others have said.

I met my husband online (no laughing) and I kept putting it off to get to know him better....BUT it was mainly to get "trimmed up."
Well 2 years later and about 30lbs HEAVIER (and I was on MFP and HEAVY to begin with), he still loves me for me.

Do what you feel best about, but I would slip that your weight is something you are working on... however you want to put it.

Whether you wait or not.... Good luck either way!

Breckgirl · March 2010

I agree and just wanted to point out that 50 lbs makes a HUGE difference!

Thanks, I'm trying to remind myself of that! LOL

Breckgirl · March 2010

Guys have NO idea what a women weighs, your 5'10 so I'm sure you carry 248lbs very well.
I'm sure he saw that you were "a few pounds over weight".

I think his comment about he wouldn't be interested in someone weighing 300lbs refers to, in mens terms.

IMO. His polite way of saying.
"He doesnt' want to be dating an obese women who's lazy and sits on the couch."

Be honest with him, and if you feel comfortable about it, slip into the conversations that you have to exercise tomorrow, or have to do something after your exercising.

I think he'll admire you more if your over weight but your doing something about it.

Don't worry about the 300lb comment. as mvl1014 said 50 lbs makes a big difference.

I talk about swimming laps all the time and he knows I'm having a torn achilles tendon operated on in June and how this has stopped me from doing major tredmill time. I just hope he sees it like you do. After all, I'm willing to over look his thinning hair! LOL!

pmjsmom · March 2010

Guys have NO idea what a women weighs

True! My best friend (a guy) always thought he was heavier than me--even when I was almost 300 pounds (he weighs 215-220 and is 6'3" tall)! He could not believe it when I finally got to tell him that he actually WAS heavier than me! :laugh:

tattoodfreek · March 2010

I would try to not focus too much on his comment. I think that it probably was more of a lifestyle thing than a number thing. I mean think about it, at 250 pounds, and trying to get into shape, are you going to want to be paired with a man who weighs 500 pounds and lays on the couch all day? Not because of his weight, but because your goals and lifestyles would be different.

Instead, focus on your progress and your personal goals going forward. If further loss happens before you meet him, then it's just a perk. If he has a problem with your weight when you meet IRL, it just wasn't a match that's meant to be.

I met my hubby on myspace.

. By the time we met IRL, I already was crazy about him. It wouldn't have mattered to me if his appearance was different from what I had expected. Just so happens he's adorable

.

sheltieroger · March 2010

Has he seen a picture of you? I met my hubby online too, 8 years ago. If he has seen what you look like, there shouldn't be any surprises.
Good luck and have fun!
Beth

sonjavon · March 2010

I met my husband on match.com. I weighed 170lbs... and I'm 5'2. I had a very honest picture of myself out there and I was honest that I was not a Barbie doll, that I was a "real woman" who had given birth to a child. He was the 3rd guy I met online.
The first guy I met was funny and nice at first. I really wasn't that into him... but he was a nice guy. We became friends.
The second guy I met was a stunner. Wow... he was really gorgeous. His statement to me after our first date was... "I think you're really nice and everything... but when I picture myself with someone, I don't picture someone with your body type." OUCH! That comment sent me running back to the first guy thinking that was the best I was gonna find. I dated him for 5 months. 5 months of a continual mind screw. He liked me, he didn't, he liked me, he didn't... every compliment was a backhanded slam. The kicker was the day that he told me that he wasn't sure he wanted a ready made family. To which I responded... "Who invited you? This is my family... you don't get to be a part unless I ask you." Screwing around with me is one thing... don't mess with my kid.
At that point I really wasn't sure that I wanted to meet anyone else... but my Match subscription hadn't expired yet - and it was a night when I was bored anyway.. so I looked to see who was online.
I started chatting with a guy who had never shown up on my matches. This guy seemed to really have his stuff together. He was nice, he was kind and seemed to have a good sense of humor. We sent several messages over the next few days. And finally agreed to meet. Bless his heart... I couldn't scare him away.... I told him before we met... "I'm not skinny. I'm a big girl! I have a child... he's my world." I laid everything out to him - and he still wanted to meet me. But before we met I showed my mom his profile... that's when I found out why he never showed up on my matches... under children, he had chosen "Not interested in having any". WHOA! I called him and said something to the effect of.. "I didn't realize that you don't want children, you DO understand that I have a son and he's kinda non-negotiable right? Why didn't you tell me that you didn't want kids. What's the point of us even meeting?" LOL - when I finally stopped to take a break, he explained that he was not interested in having children of his own but that he was not opposed to caring and loving someone elses child if things went that way.
To make a long story even longer... I knew the night that I met him that he was mine. 2 years later we were married... I still weighed 270 lbs. I once asked him how he could find me attractive with all the extra weight and stretch marks... and he said, "I love you". He took vows to my son the day we got married and he is the most excellent dad a son could have.
My point in sharing my story is this... when it's right... it's right. Sometimes we don't know what we're looking for. He's nothing like anyone I ever dated... he's got a real job, he's smart, he's giving, he's compassionate... he's... my very own Prince Charming. I'm nothing like any girl he ever dated and certainly not like his first wife... whom I could break in two with my pinkie.
The guys are right... men really don't have a clue about women's weight and how we carry it. Don't let his statement bother you.
You have to do what feels right for you. If he's the right one... it'll work - if not... well, then you'll know.
Good luck!

Breckgirl · March 2010

I would try to not focus too much on his comment. I think that it probably was more of a lifestyle thing than a number thing. I mean think about it, at 250 pounds, and trying to get into shape, are you going to want to be paired with a man who weighs 500 pounds and lays on the couch all day? Not because of his weight, but because your goals and lifestyles would be different.

Instead, focus on your progress and your personal goals going forward. If further loss happens before you meet him, then it's just a perk. If he has a problem with your weight when you meet IRL, it just wasn't a match that's meant to be.

I met my hubby on myspace. . By the time we met IRL, I already was crazy about him. It wouldn't have mattered to me if his appearance was different from what I had expected. Just so happens he's adorable .

I keep telling myself that if he doesn't see how active I am and goal oriented (I"m back in college at 51 to get my radiographer degree) that he isn't someone I would want to be with. He tells me he's really looking forward to meeting me so I hope he , like you were, is so crazy about me that that size doesn't come into play. All I want is for him to meet me the person, not me the body.

Breckgirl · March 2010

It's nice to see that some of you have had success at the online dating thing. I've had such unbelievable dates that I'm thinking of writting a book...but I'm not sure people would believe me! LOL Thanks for all the encouraging words. You guys ROCK!

Breckgirl · March 2010

I met my husband on match.com. I weighed 170lbs... and I'm 5'2. I had a very honest picture of myself out there and I was honest that I was not a Barbie doll, that I was a "real woman" who had given birth to a child. He was the 3rd guy I met online.
The first guy I met was funny and nice at first. I really wasn't that into him... but he was a nice guy. We became friends.
The second guy I met was a stunner. Wow... he was really gorgeous. His statement to me after our first date was... "I think you're really nice and everything... but when I picture myself with someone, I don't picture someone with your body type." OUCH! That comment sent me running back to the first guy thinking that was the best I was gonna find. I dated him for 5 months. 5 months of a continual mind screw. He liked me, he didn't, he liked me, he didn't... every compliment was a backhanded slam. The kicker was the day that he told me that he wasn't sure he wanted a ready made family. To which I responded... "Who invited you? This is my family... you don't get to be a part unless I ask you." Screwing around with me is one thing... don't mess with my kid.
At that point I really wasn't sure that I wanted to meet anyone else... but my Match subscription hadn't expired yet - and it was a night when I was bored anyway.. so I looked to see who was online.
I started chatting with a guy who had never shown up on my matches. This guy seemed to really have his stuff together. He was nice, he was kind and seemed to have a good sense of humor. We sent several messages over the next few days. And finally agreed to meet. Bless his heart... I couldn't scare him away.... I told him before we met... "I'm not skinny. I'm a big girl! I have a child... he's my world." I laid everything out to him - and he still wanted to meet me. But before we met I showed my mom his profile... that's when I found out why he never showed up on my matches... under children, he had chosen "Not interested in having any". WHOA! I called him and said something to the effect of.. "I didn't realize that you don't want children, you DO understand that I have a son and he's kinda non-negotiable right? Why didn't you tell me that you didn't want kids. What's the point of us even meeting?" LOL - when I finally stopped to take a break, he explained that he was not interested in having children of his own but that he was not opposed to caring and loving someone elses child if things went that way.
To make a long story even longer... I knew the night that I met him that he was mine. 2 years later we were married... I still weighed 270 lbs. I once asked him how he could find me attractive with all the extra weight and stretch marks... and he said, "I love you". He took vows to my son the day we got married and he is the most excellent dad a son could have.
My point in sharing my story is this... when it's right... it's right. Sometimes we don't know what we're looking for. He's nothing like anyone I ever dated... he's got a real job, he's smart, he's giving, he's compassionate... he's... my very own Prince Charming. I'm nothing like any girl he ever dated and certainly not like his first wife... whom I could break in two with my pinkie.
The guys are right... men really don't have a clue about women's weight and how we carry it. Don't let his statement bother you.
You have to do what feels right for you. If he's the right one... it'll work - if not... well, then you'll know.
Good luck!

Thanks for sharing your story...I feel more at ease now.

Honey7o2 · March 2010

Here's how I look at things. I'm not wanting to lose weight for anyone except myself. So as far as dating, if I have to stress and worry about if I might be too "fat" for someone then that person isn't for me. You know? I'd rather be with someone who accepts me at this weight or any other weight. I actually feel like I'd rather meet someone before I lose the weight. I'd hate to meet someone and then have to stress constantly about possibly putting on any weight and having them no longer be attracted to me. Basically, don't sweat it. Don't be so serious about the whole dating thing. If he likes you the way you are FANTASTIC! If he doesn't, oh well no biggie! There's plenty of men who will. Remember, what people are attracted to isn't really their choice, it's just how it is. So never take it all that personally.

sportsqueen32 · March 2010

I like other poster have met my husband online in a game (Second Life). When we first met online he was married but both he and his ex-wife were looking for other people to move on with. After 6 days he flew 1/2 way across the country to surprise me for a 1st meet. At this time I was at the middle stage of my weight gain ( had gained 40lbs in 3yrs) so I never though we would meet anytime soon. My thoughts at that time were if he accepts me like this then he has values. The means to see the beauty within. I have never felt unloved by him. Before him I did the whole match.com thing. I went on many 1st dates, some 2nd ones and a few little "relationships" that lasted about a month-4months. The last person I met on there I ended up dating for 3yrs, being engaged to him and it did end cuz of the weight I had gained while we were together. I look at that as being shallow. It's funny it's like some men really think they have no faults. Don't ever think that just because someone who is on a dating site has all the answers, or the right to be so picky about cosmetics. Think...if he were such a great catch the he would be taken right? Not saying he isn't, but I don't think a comment like that is very polite. I would meet him as scheduled and what happens , happens. Like a poster said 10lbs isn't going to make it any easier, and changing your appearance in any way to get a 2nd date is not being true to yourself. You are out there to make yourself happy, do what makes you happy but don't shortchange yourself. Beauty is within, everything else is just skin.
Good Luck, and keep us posted!!

BrendaLee · March 2010

It's been my experience that when a man says he doesn't want to date someone who is 300 pounds- he's saying he doesn't want to date a big girl in general. Your guy may be an exception, but I've found that even if they say they're ok with it before you meet, it's usually an issue after the fact. I'd say tell him at least roughly what you weigh and that you're working on it, and see how he reacts. Chances are he'll still want to meet, and you won't really know how he's going to react until you do meet.

That's just my 2 cents.

tattoodfreek · March 2010

The kicker was the day that he told me that he wasn't sure he wanted a ready made family. To which I responded... "Who invited you? This is my family... you don't get to be a part unless I ask you."

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE your response.

Can I call you when I need a witty reply for something? LOL

sonjavon · March 2010

The kicker was the day that he told me that he wasn't sure he wanted a ready made family. To which I responded... "Who invited you? This is my family... you don't get to be a part unless I ask you."

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE your response.

Can I call you when I need a witty reply for something? LOL

Thanks! And sure! Call me anytime...I've always got a smart aleck comeback! Seriously... he just REALLY ticked me off when he said that... my son is my world and the thought of someone rejecting him made me see red! Grrrrr... Oh well... he really did end up with the greatest dad possible!

Breckgirl · March 2010

I like other poster have met my husband online in a game (Second Life). When we first met online he was married but both he and his ex-wife were looking for other people to move on with. After 6 days he flew 1/2 way across the country to surprise me for a 1st meet. At this time I was at the middle stage of my weight gain ( had gained 40lbs in 3yrs) so I never though we would meet anytime soon. My thoughts at that time were if he accepts me like this then he has values. The means to see the beauty within. I have never felt unloved by him. Before him I did the whole match.com thing. I went on many 1st dates, some 2nd ones and a few little "relationships" that lasted about a month-4months. The last person I met on there I ended up dating for 3yrs, being engaged to him and it did end cuz of the weight I had gained while we were together. I look at that as being shallow. It's funny it's like some men really think they have no faults. Don't ever think that just because someone who is on a dating site has all the answers, or the right to be so picky about cosmetics. Think...if he were such a great catch the he would be taken right? Not saying he isn't, but I don't think a comment like that is very polite. I would meet him as scheduled and what happens , happens. Like a poster said 10lbs isn't going to make it any easier, and changing your appearance in any way to get a 2nd date is not being true to yourself. You are out there to make yourself happy, do what makes you happy but don't shortchange yourself. Beauty is within, everything else is just skin.
Good Luck, and keep us posted!!

I hear you about the ton of first dates...your online track record sounds alot like mine, only without the happily ever after part LOL!
I will keep you informed!

Breckgirl · March 2010

It's been my experience that when a man says he doesn't want to date someone who is 300 pounds- he's saying he doesn't want to date a big girl in general. Your guy may be an exception, but I've found that even if they say they're ok with it before you meet, it's usually an issue after the fact. I'd say tell him at least roughly what you weigh and that you're working on it, and see how he reacts. Chances are he'll still want to meet, and you won't really know how he's going to react until you do meet.

That's just my 2 cents.

I tend to agree with you that it's not the number but the overall weight thing in general. I wil tell him before we meet. If he's truthful with me we may not meet. I find that sometimes the guy feels like I would think he's small minded if he says that he's not interested after I tell him I'm not a Barbie, so he meets me anyway then after the first date he falls off the face of the earth. Depending on how I'm feeling on the date I might just call him on it and put him at ease, sometimes I just let them squrim...LOL. Is that a bad thing? I don't know.

Dating Dilemma

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