Custody and Parenting Issues

Corryn78
Corryn78 Posts: 215
in Chit-Chat
My family is at their wits end. My brother had his daughter's mom have been separated for most of the two years his daughter has been alive. It has been one dramatic situation after another, costing so much in legal fees it's ridiculous.

I am looking for any kind of advice, words of wisdom, anything. She is currently harassing us about the baby coming home with diaper rash and how it is child abuse. They have seen Dr.'s and use prescription cream, but it is somehow always my brothers fault. I know this sounds dumb and childish, but it is causing my mom (stuck in the middle) anxiety, sleeplessness, crying. At one point we were getting calls, screams and non stop texts with accusations of cutting the childs hair. REALLY?

Isn't there something we can do, legally...to stop her? Short of me driving over there and punching her, I just don't know how to help defend my family anymore :(

Replies

  • MissMaggie3
    MissMaggie3 Posts: 2,464 Member
    My family is at their wits end. My brother had his daughter's mom have been separated for most of the two years his daughter has been alive. It has been one dramatic situation after another, costing so much in legal fees it's ridiculous.

    I am looking for any kind of advice, words of wisdom, anything. She is currently harassing us about the baby coming home with diaper rash and how it is child abuse. They have seen Dr.'s and use prescription cream, but it is somehow always my brothers fault. I know this sounds dumb and childish, but it is causing my mom (stuck in the middle) anxiety, sleeplessness, crying. At one point we were getting calls, screams and non stop texts with accusations of cutting the childs hair. REALLY?

    Isn't there something we can do, legally...to stop her? Short of me driving over there and punching her, I just don't know how to help defend my family anymore :(

    That's an awful situation, and doesn't bode well for the little girl's future happiness if the arguing continues. I don't know how the system works in the US, but is there any kind of mediation service available? Here in the UK this is widespread, and seems to work better than having lawyers in opposite positions, fuelling the fire of a dispute. It doesn't work for everybody, but it is worth a try: the people involved really need to put the child's needs above their own squabbles, but often if takes a third party (neutral) to help them see that. I'm sure your brother would be doing that already, but the complications in a vitriolic relationship can be very difficult to navigate on your own, and you can get drawn back into old arguments without help.
  • Corryn78
    Corryn78 Posts: 215
    Thank you :)

    They are starting individual counseling with a mediator, then meeting together.

    It has gone so far as the mother saying the child will grow up to hate him and all of our family and she will let the child know what we're really like. It doesn't help that he is now seeing someone else (it's been 2 years!), and this infuriates her.

    I will say 100% honestly my brother is not perfect. He does however show up every single visitation period, even when he knows the mother won't answer the door. She text a video of the baby crying while she changed her diaper because the rash hurt. I'm not down playing the rash, it exists, but it is being treated, and it is not due to neglect. She has sensitive skin.

    She is a beautiful, sensitive and happy child. I"m so afraid for her future. The constant screaming and accusations :(

    ETA: I agree, mediation should be the answer. Every time something is solved (child support, parenting time ect.), she picks something new to yell at everybody about. If my poor mom calls me one more time in tears....ugh..nothing. If I do anything, she will deny parenting time. So here I sit, biting my tongue.
  • dirtbikegirl5
    dirtbikegirl5 Posts: 391 Member
    I have gone through a divorce. Fun times. The best advice I can give you is to let this be between your brother and the child's mom. It is not up to you to defend your family. For one thing, the mom will become more defensive. Also, if she has not moved on and he has it might bother her.
    Don't respond to any text messages, phone calls from her. This is going to be hard for you, but it is not your battle or your mom's battle to fight.
    Try not to be too hard on her. She probably feels like she is losing her grip on the situation. Bad relationship, separation, single parenting. It is difficult.
    In any case, keep the doctor receipts and the medication receipts. He should keep a log - Date/Day, Handed child over to mom. She did not have diaper rash. If she calls and harasses him, he should log it.
    You can't do anything about this, legally. She just needs to learn that she is going to cause issues for this child if she cannot learn to chill out. If she cannot stop harassing your brother, hire a mediator to talk it through.
    Last thing, if the visitation and child support is not in writing, get it in writing. Each parent should have in writing that they have liberal contact with the child when they are not with the child. My exH calls the house every night at 7:30 to say hi to the children and good night. If we are not available, we do not answer and then call him back. We have been doing this for many years and it works.
    Good luck to your brother. This is not an easy situation to get through.
  • Corryn78
    Corryn78 Posts: 215
    I have gone through a divorce. Fun times. The best advice I can give you is to let this be between your brother and the child's mom. It is not up to you to defend your family. For one thing, the mom will become more defensive. Also, if she has not moved on and he has it might bother her.
    Don't respond to any text messages, phone calls from her. This is going to be hard for you, but it is not your battle or your mom's battle to fight.
    Try not to be too hard on her. She probably feels like she is losing her grip on the situation. Bad relationship, separation, single parenting. It is difficult.
    In any case, keep the doctor receipts and the medication receipts. He should keep a log - Date/Day, Handed child over to mom. She did not have diaper rash. If she calls and harasses him, he should log it.
    You can't do anything about this, legally. She just needs to learn that she is going to cause issues for this child if she cannot learn to chill out. If she cannot stop harassing your brother, hire a mediator to talk it through.
    Last thing, if the visitation and child support is not in writing, get it in writing. Each parent should have in writing that they have liberal contact with the child when they are not with the child. My exH calls the house every night at 7:30 to say hi to the children and good night. If we are not available, we do not answer and then call him back. We have been doing this for many years and it works.
    Good luck to your brother. This is not an easy situation to get through.

    Thank you. We have recently started the non response route. It makes her more angry, but at least we're doing close to the "right" thing.
  • Corryn78
    Corryn78 Posts: 215
    Mom just got diagnosis back of stress and insomnia after having a sleep study done. I wish she could ignore the babies mom, but she has a no contact order on my brother, so my mom is the only one who can pick up the baby.

    (and yes, SHE has the no contact on HIM, yet texts him sun up to sun down)
  • serena569
    serena569 Posts: 427 Member
    Thank you :)

    They are starting individual counseling with a mediator, then meeting together.

    It has gone so far as the mother saying the child will grow up to hate him and all of our family and she will let the child know what we're really like. It doesn't help that he is now seeing someone else (it's been 2 years!), and this infuriates her.

    I will say 100% honestly my brother is not perfect. He does however show up every single visitation period, even when he knows the mother won't answer the door. She text a video of the baby crying while she changed her diaper because the rash hurt. I'm not down playing the rash, it exists, but it is being treated, and it is not due to neglect. She has sensitive skin.

    She is a beautiful, sensitive and happy child. I"m so afraid for her future. The constant screaming and accusations :(

    ETA: I agree, mediation should be the answer. Every time something is solved (child support, parenting time ect.), she picks something new to yell at everybody about. If my poor mom calls me one more time in tears....ugh..nothing. If I do anything, she will deny parenting time. So here I sit, biting my tongue.

    I'm only going to address the rash because it's something I have had to deal with. Is it actually a rash or could it be a yeast infection? Is it possible she's not getting enough to drink causing acidic urine? Maybe cut out citrus fruits and jusice as well as anything tomato based while she is with you. Vinegar soaked compress can do wonders as can soaking in a vinegar and water bath.
  • Corryn78
    Corryn78 Posts: 215
    Really good point! When I had her this past Saturday for lunch out she ate apple sauce, and I had no idea that could cause problems. She does drink a lot of water and milk. I think avoiding fruit juices would be a good idea.

    From what I understand the Dr said this last round was a yeast infection, and she has prescription cream to treat that. Apparently I had a lot of these similar problems as a child and had a restricted diet as well.

    I'm sorry for being so emotional about all of this. She is the only baby/grand child and it's hard watching her grow up under such difficult circumstances. Appreciate the responses.
  • dirtbikegirl5
    dirtbikegirl5 Posts: 391 Member
    Is this custody agreement in writing? If so, how is she denying visitation or not answering the door?
    A no contact order works both ways. She can have no contact, directly or indirectly with your brother. He can't go to her house and knock on the door with a no contact.
  • MissMaggie3
    MissMaggie3 Posts: 2,464 Member
    I'm sorry for being so emotional about all of this. She is the only baby/grand child and it's hard watching her grow up under such difficult circumstances. Appreciate the responses.

    Absolutely no need to apologise - you love her, and you are bound to feel emotional.
  • oregonzoo
    oregonzoo Posts: 4,251 Member
    I'm so sorry to hear your family is going through this. It's unfortunate some use their children as pawns.

    One note.
    TRY to get your mother to relax. This sounds like a woman who will use ANYTHING she can against your family. She can claim mother isn't "mentally stable" or make something up like that. I'm telling you these things can get nasty. It sounds to me like this woman will do all to get her way, so make damned certain she doesn't have anything she could perceive as extra ammunition.
  • Kaylee_law_123
    Kaylee_law_123 Posts: 450 Member
    Here are a few things I picked up with managing this situations when working in Family Law ...

    1. Use a communication book for ALL communications between parents, ie any thing the other parent needs to know about medication, kids bday parties etc. It keeps everything in the one spot and contained to writing, so that should it come to it, can be shown to the Court down the track. If you think she can't be trusted and the book would go missing if it went to Court, take progressive copies of her entries and keep for your own records.

    2. Community groups generally offer counselling services etc for separated parents to try and parent together, and at worst case they will offer a mediation service where an independant third person can moderate the discussions.

    3. Keep a diary of everything, if she is crossing the line to harrassment, then a chronology of everything can be shown to the Police together with any texts etc and an order can be put in place that limits the contact to organising visitation and only to a certain person.

    4. With the nappy rash thing, have your brother get the specific instructions about what is needed to do from the dr himself and as long as he follows them then it's completely irrelevant what her opinion is.

    Hope that helps :-)
  • happypath101
    happypath101 Posts: 534
    I am a Single-Mom and have a very dramatic and illogical ex. One of the big lessons from the divorce and afterwards is "Don't feed the beast".

    It's SO hard; you want to reason and to keep everything calm. NOT responding seems so childish and irresponsible. But, when you are dealing with a manipulative pot-stirrer, it's the very best recourse. Just don't respond.

    (Unless, of course, you legally need to. Keeping a journal of all events is also a GREAT idea. You have something you can take to court worse case scenario and it also allows you a safe place to vent. I've kept one for 8 years. The entries are less and less frequent - but they still occur.)

    Take care of the child. Take care of your brother. Take care of your sanity. Let Karma take care of the drama queen.

    <HUGS>

    p.s. One thing I've learned over the years is that my ex will be very reasonable most of the time. But there are times when he is out of control. For him, his trigger is Christmas. I brace myself. You might want to watch for patterns - just so that you can prepare yourself.
  • magj0y
    magj0y Posts: 1,911 Member
    If she has a gripe, have her take it up with her brother and block her phone number. keeping communication between texts only is an easy way to go so you don't have to answer them.
  • stephanieb72
    stephanieb72 Posts: 390 Member
    I went through a divorce that involved 2 very young children (5months/2 years old). It was HORRIBLE to say the least. My ex was a control freak that manipulated my kids for years after the divorce. He said things like-- when our kids turn out all screwed up it will be your fault because you did this to them and when they get older I am going to tell them that you did this and it was you that ruined their lives. Get the idea of what I was dealing with?
    This is the only advice I can give you and your family: You can't control the mom or what she does and says. The only thing you can control is your reaction to her. Make sure you brother does everything by the custody order.

    I tried to document everything that my ex did and really all it did was involve me more in the chaos/anger/drama. I think sometimes I may have created situations to be worse than they were so I could have proof he was a bad dad.
    Document things that are substantial but I would not worry about every little thing. I had pages and pages of emails of stupidity from my ex (things like it being ok to have a few beers and drive with the kids). Him admiting to driving without a license and the courts really did not care. It did not give me sole custody it just wasted a lot of my time and energy while making me very angry.

    Tell him and your mom-do NOT engage her. She will lose interest if she does not get the response she wants. Right now she is in control when she stirs everything up.
    Babies get diaper rash, it happens to the best of us and it is not a reason for the courts to take a child away from anybody.
    Focus your energy on that precious girl that does not deserve to be in the middle of this.

    edit to say: Keep in mind this woman is not going to go away. Your brother will have to deal with her for a very long time to come so getting it under control now is really important for everybody.
  • Corryn78
    Corryn78 Posts: 215
    I cannot thank you all enough for taking the time to reply. I'm going to read it all over again and then try to summarize for my mom. Sometimes you get buried so deep in the drama, it's hard to realize other people go through the same stuff, and it CAN eventually get better.

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