Friendly Advice - Non Fitness Related

neverstray
neverstray Posts: 3,845 Member
edited January 3 in Chit-Chat
I'll try to keep this short, but I'll also try to explain as much as possible.

First, this isn't a huge deal or anything, I just want to poll people and see what you think.

There is a distant family member, I can't figure out exactly the relationship, but a cousin several removed or something, I think. Anyway, the guy is from North Carolina, and recently moved here to Los Angeles. Mistake, IMO because I did a similar thing. Anyway, the guy is a musician and he moved to LA to make it (I did the same thing. My conclusion, it's better to just stay put and make it out of there than to come play in the big leagues). But, anyways, maybe a year ago or so, since were friends on facebook, I told him, "Hey, if you ever get out to LA, look me up, and maybe well play guitars or something."

So, now you know what's going on. He is contacting me a little agressively via facebook. And, I keep putting him off. there are a couple reasons for this. For one, I can just tell that he's not my type of dude. He's a reggae, beenie wearing, dreadlcok having, pot smoking, laid back hippie, peace and love guy. I actually appreciate that, but at the same time, I can't stand being around it much. Another thing, I don't know this guy at all. Never met him before, so maybe he'll cool, but I don't know. He lives a long way away. I don't think he has the lay of the land down yet, but "getting together" is a major ordeal. He's is only about an hours drive, but in LA traffic it could be 1.5 or 2 hours. So, it's kind of a big deal to make a visit. It's not like stopping by as a neighbor, shooting the *kitten*, and then taking off. It's a "visit", if you knwo what I mean.

So, I feel like just ignoring him. I've already told him that I'm not really playing much anymore and my priorities ahve changed, which is true. I just play for fun, but I'm out of the band business. I really don't have time to goof around with that stuff. Even though I told him that, he keeps insisting on getting together and playing.

I don't want to be an *kitten*, but at the same time, I don't know this dude at all, and I don't feel like putting in the investment.

The guilty part is that he is family, and he might be all alone and just wants to reach out to someone. But, with my kids schedule, and work, and the drive out there or whatever, it's just kind of a lot and I'd rather not deal with it.

Thoughts?
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Replies

  • corn63
    corn63 Posts: 1,580 Member
    Ignoring him will make you an *kitten*.

    For whatever reason he may have, he's reaching out to you to hang out. Either decline his offer and explain to him the lay of the land or decline for whatever other reason you may have.

    And he can't be that close of "family" if you can't remember how you're related.
  • Dub_D
    Dub_D Posts: 1,760 Member
    It would be really nice of you to make some time for him, it sounds like it would mean a lot to him.
  • TylerJ76
    TylerJ76 Posts: 4,375 Member
    Just break up.
  • neverstray
    neverstray Posts: 3,845 Member
    Ignoring him will make you an *kitten*.

    For whatever reason he may have, he's reaching out to you to hang out. Either decline his offer and explain to him the lay of the land or decline for whatever other reason you may have.

    And he can't be that close of "family" if you can't remember how you're related.

    yeah, I never met him. i really am not sure how were related.
  • neverstray
    neverstray Posts: 3,845 Member
    I guess I'm just not very friendly. i'm a bit anti-social, and if he's weird, I wont be very good with it at all. And, mainly, he wants to get together and play guitars, which I have no interest in with him.
  • want2belean
    want2belean Posts: 124 Member
    I agree w/ corn63...Ignoring him makes you more of an *kitten*, life is tuff and if you can't help him, that is ok, but be honest with him. The trueth hurts, but if the person is mature enough they will understand. The manly thing to do is bite the bullet and lay it out.
  • want2belean
    want2belean Posts: 124 Member
    Hey neverstray....once you tell him and its over and he is not bothering you anymore....you will be relieved....
  • IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym
    IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym Posts: 5,573 Member
    can you have him meet you at your place or near your place or in the middle even?
  • want2belean
    want2belean Posts: 124 Member
    [too funny tyler...I did think it was a gay thing at first...no offense neverstray...but until you read the whole story that is what it sounded like at first.....you gotta laugh....]
    Just break up.
    [/quote]
  • scapez
    scapez Posts: 2,009 Member
    I told him, "Hey, if you ever get out to LA, look me up, and maybe well play guitars or something."

    You made the initial offer - maybe you thought he was never going to take you up on it, but now he's trying to, and you've changed your mind.

    Since you made the offer, I say meet up with him at least once.
  • SeaChele77
    SeaChele77 Posts: 1,103 Member
    you were the one to give out the initial "bone" by saying if you are ever in LA look me up and we'll get together. He is now taking you up on that offer. He has come from NC to LA and probably does not know a single soul! Whats the harm of meeting in the middle for coffee/lunch or what have you to meet and enjoy some new company. Give him some ideas of the "lay of the land" and you never know....you may hit it off. Just because he seems like something/one on FB does not mean that is his entire being. Many of my friends have vastly different interests than me, but we have a few key points in common that make us friends!!

    What is the harm in one meeting? If it doesn't go well, I'm sure it will be mutual. But dang dude.... give him a chance since you were the one who initiated him contacting you in the first place!
  • MeMyCatsandI
    MeMyCatsandI Posts: 704 Member
    The guilty part is that he is family, and he might be all alone and just wants to reach out to someone. But, with my kids schedule, and work, and the drive out there or whatever, it's just kind of a lot and I'd rather not deal with it.

    Thoughts?
    Why don't you invite him to your place for an afternoon BBQ? Then you don't have to go anywhere or put in much effort at all. Hell, you could even have some of your other buddies over to help take the sting out of it. But you're the one who told him to contact you, so yeah.. you're kind of being an *kitten*.
  • Cliffslosinit
    Cliffslosinit Posts: 5,044 Member
    Pick me up and listen.
    Okay YOU didn't bring him out here.
    You have let him know your situation.
    So remind him and move on.
    Now put me down.
    I made poopie.:blushing:
  • neverstray
    neverstray Posts: 3,845 Member
    Ha! I didn't get the gay thing. LOL. Def not that.

    I'll think more on it. I'd rather just break up than meet up.

    I made the offer, but it was more a nicety. I was drunk.
  • avir8
    avir8 Posts: 671 Member
    A North Carolina Rasta hehe :laugh:
    I would say just meet him once and if you don't click then you can always block him on FB
  • SmexAppeal
    SmexAppeal Posts: 858 Member
    I'm going to go all cliche on you...
    Honesty is the best policy.
    You don't have to tell him that you aren't interested in hanging out, but tell him what you just told us.
    Tell him you are busy with work, children and really don't have the time to drive out there.
    If you just ignore him, you are an *kitten*. No one wants to be an *kitten*.
    Just be straight up and either he will leave you alone, or maybe he will offer to meet up half way.
    Maybe he would be your type of dude if you gave him a chance. At least enough of your type of dude to hang out every once in a great while. And if you don't want to play guitars, tell him that too! Just open up and be honest. You will have it off your chest!
  • Brianna72994
    Brianna72994 Posts: 887 Member
    If you REALLY dont want to see him, then just block him on facebook
  • BuckeyeBoi
    BuckeyeBoi Posts: 233 Member
    I got an Idea, be honest with him. How do you know without actually meeting? As far as the FB aggression you and I both know typing doesnt always convey intent or emotion. We set boundaries, so let him know.
  • ahviendha
    ahviendha Posts: 1,291 Member
    I want to support you not wanting to see him because I am anti-social as well and hate the trappings of "but it's family!"

    I always growl like an angry bear when I have to go out and see people, but 80% of the time I'm glad I did.

    No regrets, right?

    Make him meet you halfway as well! Then he may be just as reluctant to make the journey next time.
  • lallaloolly
    lallaloolly Posts: 228 Member
    dude! i say hang out and then make your decision about your compatibility as friends. what if your current friends treated you this way when you moved to town? you never know, he could end up being a total breath of fresh air in your life. unfortunately, your expectation that his friendship will suck isn't giving him a chance to be anything but a disappointment. i understand you have an idea about who and what your friends should act and look like, but really, all people have the potential to surprise you. you should give them a chance to dispel the stereotypes you carry around (or even to live up to the stereotype, but seriously, unless you feel you would be in some sort of danger, hang out like you offered before you decide you can't hang out with him).
  • SeaChele77
    SeaChele77 Posts: 1,103 Member
    If you REALLY dont want to see him, then just block him on facebook

    There you go...just ignore the situation all together. That's always best!
  • neverstray
    neverstray Posts: 3,845 Member
    Cool. thanks. I'll figure out something that works for me and keeps me in my comfort zone. We'll see how it plays out. I'll just let him know my scheulde is busy, and I'm not really interested in jamming, but just say we could meet up for lunch or something...

    Thanks for the advice, I appreciate it. I would have ignored him, and eventually blocked him, which is why I wanted to ask.
  • Avandel
    Avandel Posts: 283 Member
    Don't you have clubs down there that musicians can jam at? That would be neutral ground & a good way to find out if you could tolerate this guy. :smokin:
  • joanthemom8
    joanthemom8 Posts: 374 Member
    I know I'm an old fogey, but this is one of the reasons I'm not on Facebook. If I really wanted to connect with someone, I would. I'm in the same position - moved to SoCal when I was a kid, but most of my relatives (many whom I haven't met or haven't seen in about 40 years) are back east. Sometimes people have popped-up out of the woodwork wanting a "free" California vacation.
    Now you are in a position where you will probably either feel bad for kindly pushing him off, or worse, you'll be like me and end up doing something you don't really want to do, just to spare his feelings. I can't see an easy way out for you. Sorry. Good luck! You sound like a nice person.
  • EatClean_WashUrNuts
    EatClean_WashUrNuts Posts: 1,590 Member
    1. He's family.
    2. You offered....dont be a typical LA Prick. (Grew up in SoCal, so I know what Im saying here)
    3. Music brings people together...why test your talents and see where it leads?

    Moving for larger exposure does not equate to failure; however, LA is not a music mecca. Only giving up on your dreams does. Life is book of untouched knowledge...turn some pages and reap the rewards.
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,215 Member
    I would just tell him that you really don't play anymore, but would meet him somewhere for a beer or lunch. Then, you can have him meet you somewhere halfway.
  • McBully4
    McBully4 Posts: 1,270 Member
    Or you could grow a pair and tell him what's up.
    Tell him the truth, you never expected him to come out to LA and your styles don't really vibe. He will be pissed but not lose all respect for you.
  • kennethmgreen
    kennethmgreen Posts: 1,759 Member
    I think you know what you want to do and are seeking advice how to do it. Or perhaps seeking approval. Either is fine, by the way.

    If you are inclined to spend time with this guy at all (guessing you may not), decide how much time is OK with you. Figure that out. Get clear about that. One hour a week? One hour a month? Go have coffee, lunch, dinner with him. Don't bring your guitar.

    If you really don't want to spend time with the guy, quit struggling with that. You don't want to spend time with him. There is no crime in that. Just don't ignore him completely. You have stated here that you have no interest in getting together to play guitar with him. Do you have any interest in spending any time at all with him? Is it more than just no guitar playing?

    This thread feels like a community-addressed struggle with social obligation. You can distill our advice into some version that suits what you wanted to do anyway and be affirmed for that. I think your best experience might be something along the lines of you talking directly with the guy and being honest and respectful.
  • Dub_D
    Dub_D Posts: 1,760 Member
    If you REALLY dont want to see him, then just block him on facebook

    That's a d!ck move. Any adult is capable of telling another adult they are not available to hangout. No need to ignore and hide like a jerk off!
  • TylerJ76
    TylerJ76 Posts: 4,375 Member
    If you REALLY dont want to see him, then just block him on facebook

    Seems mature.
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