Question About Unsupportive "Friends"
grapeeyes1
Posts: 229 Member
Ok, every month I go through and delete people off my friends list who haven't commented even once in over a month. I have a lot of friends and it takes me about 30-45 minutes a night just to read through and offer encouragement, etc. I think it is only fair if I am going to invest my time to support them, they could at least do it once a month.
Deleting people is not the question.
The question is this: I am thinking about this month, before I delete them off my friends list, sending them an email first to let them know why they are deleted. Maybe they have no idea that they are doing this? Or should I just do it the old way and delete them without a word?
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Deleting people is not the question.
The question is this: I am thinking about this month, before I delete them off my friends list, sending them an email first to let them know why they are deleted. Maybe they have no idea that they are doing this? Or should I just do it the old way and delete them without a word?
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Replies
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I think that if they haven't taken the time to comment or post at all, they're probably not going to be that affected by knowing why you're deleting them. The email would probably be more for your sake than theirs.0
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I wouldn't worry about it so much really. I don't think most people here are too terribly concerned if a stranger deletes them. LOL. Know what I mean? In general, I would cut your friend list down drastically if it's important to you that everyone be active. I can't imagine spending 45 minutes/day reading and commenting on people's statuses. That's time you will never get back and could be using more productively, in my opinion. I have less than 20 friends and all are active. It takes me about 10 minutes to check in on everyone.
If they haven't commented in a month, they likely won't even notice that you delete them. Don't worry about it.0 -
I wouldn't care if you deleted me and I'm one of those people who rarely says anything. Most of them probably won't notice.0
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If I notice someone never interacts with me, I first try to engage them, to see if maybe they are going through something. If they still don't interact with me, I let them go. You shouldn't feel bad about it.
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I could never spend 45 minutes per night posting. I don't have that much time.
I'm not a huge posting person. If I see someone lost weight, I will acknowledge it, but I can't post just to post.
Seeing posts lets me know that I'm not struggling alone. It gives me encouragement to see that people are struggling just as I am. Sometimes, I will post my frustrations and struggles.
In the end, it really doesn't matter if everyone is posting all the time. Unless, you are always posting on their comments and they NEVER repost on yours. I see that all the time and it is annoying. It makes me feel invisible. It seems that some people just like to talk about themselves.0 -
I tend to delete people who haven't logged onto MFP for a couple of months as I appreciate not everyone has time to comment on people's statuses all the time, particularly if your using a phone which only shows you a limited number0
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It really is about what you want, Unless you actually KNOW these ppl or have become online FRIENDS, I don't think a formal message is not nessasary, this is only my opinion. what can you live with? just deleting or sending a message.0
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I have put a disclaimer on my profile, if I don't feel we're travelling along the same path then you're off my list. Makes me feel a bit bad when I do delete people, but at the end of the day I started MFP for a reason and that was to get healthy, not to get a big friends list.0
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I also keep a smaller friends list because I can't keep up.
However, I don't delete people if they don't comment, some do not comment but I get inspiration by seeing their workouts and diary.0 -
Seems like a lot of energy exerted on something that doesn’t really matter. Spend that 30 minutes working out or cooking a healthy delicious meal. If you are adding lots of friends, perhaps you just need to cut back and let your friend list grow organically. I don’t have many, but I interact with many of them and there are a few I even text, call, meet for dinner, have drinks with, etc. Some people don’t have the time to spend stroking the ego of every person on their friend list. When I see someone get a good workout in or post something worthy of encouragement, I try to post up, but I rarely have the time to hit the “show more” button at the bottom and catch up on every post & reply to them. Full time career, 11 hours of college classes, maintaining my household, getting in my workouts, having social time, down time, catch up on the DVR time….yea, I can’t even keep up with the 23 people on my list.0
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Just delete them.
If they aren't "supportive" they probably won't care or notice.0 -
I will 'glance' at diaries and generally only comment on something 'different'. If you have a specific demand of your friends why not be open with it. Say "hey guys, I am really looking for people to comment in this / these ways 1.2.3". People ask to be added all the time but really unless they tell me they are looking for something 'specific' I will just stick to what I am doing. As far as the emails go..probably they won't even notice. BUT I would really try to be specific about what you are looking for first - people may just be like me and without knowing that you are looking for a specific type of encouragement they may not be sure what it is you need..communicate!! lol0
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I recently started a challenge group and I have been posting more on message boards, so I have gained a few more friends in the past couple months. I am not someone who posts to everyone every day. I glance at the news feed and if there is something funny or a great weight loss or just plain good info, I will comment, but not for every time they go out and take a 15 minute walk. I don't keep track of how many friends I now have so it's very possible some people have dropped me for that reason. That's ok...if they aren't getting what they need from me then I am fine with it. For my close friends IRL on MFP, I make sure they know I support them. I wouldn't worry about it...they probably won't even notice.0
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Honestly, if it concerns them that they are no longer your friend, they will message you. Then, you can let them know why they have been deleted. If then, they want to become one of your GENUINE supporters, add them back!0
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It's funny really. Most of my mfp friends complain about the same thing over and over again, but only two of them regularly post on my stuff...
If you are unhappy, dlete them, end of story.
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Seems like a lot of energy exerted on something that doesn’t really matter. Spend that 30 minutes working out or cooking a healthy delicious meal. If you are adding lots of friends, perhaps you just need to cut back and let your friend list grow organically. I don’t have many, but I interact with many of them and there are a few I even text, call, meet for dinner, have drinks with, etc. Some people don’t have the time to spend stroking the ego of every person on their friend list. When I see someone get a good workout in or post something worthy of encouragement, I try to post up, but I rarely have the time to hit the “show more” button at the bottom and catch up on every post & reply to them. Full time career, 11 hours of college classes, maintaining my household, getting in my workouts, having social time, down time, catch up on the DVR time….yea, I can’t even keep up with the 23 people on my list.
I know you are trying to be helpful, but your comment clearly shows that you are making assumptions about me. Let me clarify things so you actually know some facts. I do cook a healthy meal every night In fact I usually cook 2, one for my father and then home to cook one for my husband and myself and after I pack healthy lunches for the next day. I also work out every day and work a full time job. I leave my house every morning at 8 am and usually do not get home to cook our meals until about 8 pm. My time on the computer is for me to relax after a long day. I do not go out and just add friends to see how many I can get. I have only requested perhaps 2 friends since I started MFP, but I never refuse friendship to someone who requests it. My friends list is probably as organic as it gets. We all need help through this process and I do not have it in my heart to refuse someone who is reaching out to me. If you read, it was about whether or not to have the courtesy to let people know why I am deleting them. I do not expect an ego stroke, but I do take the time to encourage people and as I said, at least one comment a month would be nice.0 -
Honestly, if it concerns them that they are no longer your friend, they will message you. Then, you can let them know why they have been deleted. If then, they want to become one of your GENUINE supporters, add them back!
That sounds good, thank you.0 -
messaging them seems passive aggressive to me and 45 minutes seems like an extreme waste of time, but that's me. I happen to be very discriminating in who I put on my friends list and frankly I don't care if they comment or delete me because these people aren't my actual friends they are just a bunch of fellow dieters, and there will always be new members if I feel like I need the attention.0
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Dear just delete them. After all if you send them a email and they start posting it won't be long before they drop off again. Will you send them aother email? Just dump them if they really enjoyed being your frind they will friend request you again and them maybe take the time to explain why they were dumped first. Emailing themto me seems like a waste of time. I would so much enjoy a "like" or "awesome" button for those times I have only enough time to quickly drop in.0
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I'm really glad my MFP friends don't expect me to perform. Some days it's all I can do to get on and log my calories and workouts for the day and answer a few questions, let alone keep up with everyone's activities.0
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Seems like a lot of energy exerted on something that doesn’t really matter. Spend that 30 minutes working out or cooking a healthy delicious meal. If you are adding lots of friends, perhaps you just need to cut back and let your friend list grow organically. I don’t have many, but I interact with many of them and there are a few I even text, call, meet for dinner, have drinks with, etc. Some people don’t have the time to spend stroking the ego of every person on their friend list. When I see someone get a good workout in or post something worthy of encouragement, I try to post up, but I rarely have the time to hit the “show more” button at the bottom and catch up on every post & reply to them. Full time career, 11 hours of college classes, maintaining my household, getting in my workouts, having social time, down time, catch up on the DVR time….yea, I can’t even keep up with the 23 people on my list.
I know you are trying to be helpful, but your comment clearly shows that you are making assumptions about me. Let me clarify things so you actually know some facts. I do cook a healthy meal every night In fact I usually cook 2, one for my father and then home to cook one for my husband and myself and after I pack healthy lunches for the next day. I also work out every day and work a full time job. I leave my house every morning at 8 am and usually do not get home to cook our meals until about 8 pm. My time on the computer is for me to relax after a long day. I do not go out and just add friends to see how many I can get. I have only requested perhaps 2 friends since I started MFP, but I never refuse friendship to someone who requests it. My friends list is probably as organic as it gets. We all need help through this process and I do not have it in my heart to refuse someone who is reaching out to me. If you read, it was about whether or not to have the courtesy to let people know why I am deleting them. I do not expect an ego stroke, but I do take the time to encourage people and as I said, at least one comment a month would be nice.
To Mr. DVR and the others who say the 45 min is wasted,
Your down time is your DVR and visiting with friends?
Well my dear friend uses MFP to visit with her friends and probably doesn't watch much on DVR so what is the differance between your down time and hers?
Her 45 min to do what she wants is spent messaging people, encouraging them, getting advice and support. Instead of spending 45 min wth one or two friends she touches the lives of 15, 20 or more.
How many of you who say she is wasting time "visit" on facebook or chat, texting ect.
I took about 6 months off and she didn't delete me (By the way THANKS for that) and it was nice to log back on and have her welcome me back0 -
Why bother? Focus more on your personal goals and what you want to achieve and not on someone who hasn't been supportive in the last 30 days. I offer a lot of encouragement and support to my friends and I have a busy schedule. I at least make an effort once a week to see how they are doing and keep them motivated. My rule of thumb is if they have not logged in after 15-20 days they are off my list.0
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People add me all the time. I don't find it my personal responsibility to stroke their ego and or comment/encourage unless I feel it necessary. I will comment on people's statuses when I find it interesting and I do look at almost everyone diary- but, I personally didn't add them, they added me. So if they wanted to unfriend me- then who cares?
I think sending a message like "Well im unfriending you because you're mean and never support me" is a little ridiculous. Take them off your list and let that be that. Or alternatively, don't add friends unless they request you.
Just my 2 cents.
Also, just saying- this journey is about you. You are doing this for yourself. You make all of your own decisions. If anything adding friends should just be a way to connect and share with some people with similar goals and mindsets. It isn't like someone signs up to be your personal counselor when they add you on a social networking type site.0 -
I think that if they haven't taken the time to comment or post at all, they're probably not going to be that affected by knowing why you're deleting them. The email would probably be more for your sake than theirs.
I agree with this. 100%.0 -
i wouldnt delete, most times not a big poster myself if i need help or am feeling overwhelmed i will ask and to everyone that responds thank you.0
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I'm really glad my MFP friends don't expect me to perform. Some days it's all I can do to get on and log my calories and workouts for the day and answer a few questions, let alone keep up with everyone's activities.
U kidding me? FACT: just looking at your pic is more than enough motivation for me, you need not have to say anything haha!0 -
Seems like a lot of energy exerted on something that doesn’t really matter. Spend that 30 minutes working out or cooking a healthy delicious meal. If you are adding lots of friends, perhaps you just need to cut back and let your friend list grow organically. I don’t have many, but I interact with many of them and there are a few I even text, call, meet for dinner, have drinks with, etc. Some people don’t have the time to spend stroking the ego of every person on their friend list. When I see someone get a good workout in or post something worthy of encouragement, I try to post up, but I rarely have the time to hit the “show more” button at the bottom and catch up on every post & reply to them. Full time career, 11 hours of college classes, maintaining my household, getting in my workouts, having social time, down time, catch up on the DVR time….yea, I can’t even keep up with the 23 people on my list.
I know you are trying to be helpful, but your comment clearly shows that you are making assumptions about me. Let me clarify things so you actually know some facts. I do cook a healthy meal every night In fact I usually cook 2, one for my father and then home to cook one for my husband and myself and after I pack healthy lunches for the next day. I also work out every day and work a full time job. I leave my house every morning at 8 am and usually do not get home to cook our meals until about 8 pm. My time on the computer is for me to relax after a long day. I do not go out and just add friends to see how many I can get. I have only requested perhaps 2 friends since I started MFP, but I never refuse friendship to someone who requests it. My friends list is probably as organic as it gets. We all need help through this process and I do not have it in my heart to refuse someone who is reaching out to me. If you read, it was about whether or not to have the courtesy to let people know why I am deleting them. I do not expect an ego stroke, but I do take the time to encourage people and as I said, at least one comment a month would be nice.
To Mr. DVR and the others who say the 45 min is wasted,
Your down time is your DVR and visiting with friends?
Well my dear friend uses MFP to visit with her friends and probably doesn't watch much on DVR so what is the differance between your down time and hers?
Her 45 min to do what she wants is spent messaging people, encouraging them, getting advice and support. Instead of spending 45 min wth one or two friends she touches the lives of 15, 20 or more.
How many of you who say she is wasting time "visit" on facebook or chat, texting ect.
I took about 6 months off and she didn't delete me (By the way THANKS for that) and it was nice to log back on and have her welcome me back
Well said!!0 -
You are one of the most encouraging and supportive people I have on my list. I understand what you mean though. I wouldn't send them a message, just delete. You are doing a great job!0
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