Motivating my Boyfriend

kaylad8528
kaylad8528 Posts: 27 Member
in Motivation and Support
So about a week ago, my boyfriend says "I realized last night that I want to go on a diet with you."

Two years ago, he got his first real active job at Home Depot on the bottom of the food chain - cart boy. He spent all day walking in circles, and lifting heavy objects for old people. He biked three miles to work, and three miles home. He is a good 6 feet tall, and his BMR sits somewhere around 2200. At the time he got this job, he was 230lbs, or maybe more. I did the math, and between his BMR and his work, he was burning over 5000 calories every work day! He started to get thin and more muscular than he had ever been.

He told me once, "I never want to be fat again. It was just so uncomfortable, I can't imagine what it's like for people who are extremely obese."

Recently, he had a job change to something more sedentary, and... Well, he's back to 214, and his pants are getting tight. He's upset. So he told me he wants to diet with me.



... Well. I've tried to explain it's not a diet, it's a conscious life choice. Eating better because it's better for you. Eating what you should be eating, not whatever you want. He frequently eats half a large pizza, or an entire box of chicken wings. He comes home with candy and will dive into a 1/2 gallon of Blue Bell, leaving nothing but empty packages in his wake. I keep trying to explain he needs to slow down and write down what he eats and make sure he stays in a structure.

He hates structure.

I try to get him to join MFP with me, and diary what he eats, but he won't do it.

It's almost like he wants me to act like a mom, and force him to eat his vegetables - or just tell him what to eat in general, and be the bad guy for him when he wants chicken wings or quarter pounders.

If I'm doing situps and pushups, it's pulling teeth to get him to do any with me. He won't go jogging. He won't join the hockey club at the rec center - and he loves hockey. It's impossible. He won't exercise by himself, and do the things he likes to do without me; For example, he loves bike rides, and I can't even ride a bike, and so he won't go riding by himself.

It's driving me nuts how he asks me to help him, and then refuses all my suggestions short of me doing it FOR him..

And I'm having a hard enough time changing my own habits and doing it for myself. :( What do I tell him? How do I get him to see this is the way? That I can't be his keeper? How do I motivate him without taking responsibility for him myself?

P.S. Sorry for this massive vent. D: Any suggestions appreciated. I'm at a loss.

Replies

  • Pebble321
    Pebble321 Posts: 6,423 Member
    You're right - you aren't his mum and you can't be the one who decides what he eats or whether he exercises.

    My suggestion is that as he has asked you for help - go back to him and say "I'm really happy to help you - what is the best way for me to help you?". If he can't answer that, you probably can't help him. Ultimately the motivation to get healthy has to come from within him - he's very lucky that you are in the same frame of mind and willing to work with him.
  • mamasmaltz3
    mamasmaltz3 Posts: 1,111 Member
    The best motivation will be him watching you change your life for the better. You do not want to go down the road of acting like his mother and monitoring everything for him. He has got to want to change for him.
  • kaylad8528
    kaylad8528 Posts: 27 Member
    The hard thing really is that he wants it. He used to be fat, with no muscle. His parents were both overweight and died of heart problems, one was diabetic. He's watching his oldest siblings struggle with obesity and fatty livers. He's got the life experience to want it, and has told me repeatedly that he wants it - not just since I started refocusing, exercising, and breaking myself of my ice cream binges, but long before that too.

    I just don't understand why calorie counting would be a road block to something he clearly seems motivated toward already. Unless there is something else going on that I don't understand, I'm really just confused and trying not to feed into my own tendency to self-defeat by using his self-defeat.

    :') So complicated.
  • mamasmaltz3
    mamasmaltz3 Posts: 1,111 Member
    He, like a lot of us, wants to be healthy but, does not want to do things to actually get there. He may not want to log his food, that's ok. But, he knows that he can not binge on the food that he is bingeing on and not gain weight. So, does he really want to be healthy? I can say I am a vegetarian and I really believe in that lifestyle but, if I sit down and eat a bucket of chicken every night, am I vegetarian? Do I really believe in that lifestyle?

    I am not a vegetarian, btw. Just using that as an example.
  • kaylad8528
    kaylad8528 Posts: 27 Member
    I'd be really discouraged to find that he didn't really mean it. I've been frustrated by his dodging, but encouraged in my own work to find that he is interested in working on himself as well.

    Though, I guess if he isn't really interested, there's nothing to be encouraged about...
  • QuietLegs
    QuietLegs Posts: 42
    It's one thing to want to be slim and healthy - just about everyone wants that - it's another thing to want to live a better life.

    Your BF needs to come to a complete and subconscious acceptance of the fact that his life needs to change in order to get what he wants. He can't just want the end goal... because it's not the end! Having a healthy body means constant maintenance and work!

    Don't be his mom. Seriously. If he wants it, he needs to do the research, needs to commit to the lifestyle changes necessary.
  • Pebble321
    Pebble321 Posts: 6,423 Member
    Maybe he needs to stop for a minute and think about what he actually wants and what it will take to get there.

    I mean, it's easy to say "I want to be thinner and fit in my old pants and not develop diabetes like my parents" - but saying that doesn't change any behaviours. And changing behaviour is the only way to get healthier.

    Maybe he needs to identify some simple things he can do, and pick one to work on each week. For example - swap one calorie laden drink each day for water. Eat a healthy breakfast. Exercise 3 times a week. Eat 2 pieces of fruit each day.
    These small changes will add up over time but don't seem as much hard work as changing every single meal and logging every single food all at once.

    But remember, you can only suggest - he has to identify what he is prepared to do to get what he wants.
  • Jamie_Lauren
    Jamie_Lauren Posts: 211 Member
    My boyfriend is the same. He has been motivated by my changes and wants to become healthier, but he doesn't do anything to make a change. He has confessed that part of the reason he want to do this is because he is scared I will want someone fitter when I reach my GW. I think that's part of the reason he won't change, because he doesn't really want it for him.

    I just keep pushing towards my goals, and try my best to not let his food choices affect mine. I am not pushing him, but I have started cooking for him and showing him all my tasty healthy recipes...he loves them and wants to try them for himself now!

    I knew that would work for him because he likes to cook. If you can think of something that will motivate your boyfriend, try and use that to get him started. If he won't go biking because you can't ride a bike with him, why not ask him to teach you? Or maybe you could try a spin class together?

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