FAT.

jordanhillary
jordanhillary Posts: 46 Member
in Motivation and Support
THAT'S IT. I am SO sick of being a fatass. It's time to make it viral here because I have never ever told anyone how i've felt about my body. Seriously though, I have been fat my whole entire life. I am 23 years old now. I lost weight in 2003 by starving the **** out of myself on the Atkins diet and got down to 150lbs. Slowly gained it back from 2003-2007 and in 2007 found myself at 200lbs again. Starting working out and restricting calories in 2008 and got back down to 170lbs. Ballooned back up to 215lbs and started working out and got down to 180lbs. Now I am 195lbs.

THAT IS TEN YEARS OF BATTLING!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm tired of being "the big girl"

I'm tired of hiding from photos. I'm tired of seing the photos of myself that I allow to be taken and thinking to myself WHAT THE HELL. I only allow photos on my facebook of me that I think I look skinny in. I don't want to try to fool people anymore.

One of my legs is the size of two put together for other people.

Since I've moved to Australia from the States 3 months ago, I have been called a fat by some girl I don't even know at an event, a child very close to me has told me i'm too fat, A guy in the club called me fat, and my friend said she could tell me a story about being fat because "I could relate"..... That's JUST the ones I know about!

How did I let myself become this way? Why don't I see what others see? I see it, but I ignore it. It's the biggest problem in my whole life. TEN YEARS!!!!! Ten years and I'm still the same. I have so much time in my day to improve myself and I still don't care enough.

I starve myself until I can't wait to eat anymore and just grab whatever is the quickest.

I binge eat and say, "On Monday i'll start my diet so it's okay"..... do you know HOW MANY last meals I've had? I can't even count.

When I try to get into a workout routine, I'll go for a day or two then quit because it's too hard. I've had a total of 3 personal trainers give me different workouts.

I compare my body to every other girls body out there... if they're skinner than me I find something to judge about their looks to make myself feel better. If they're fatter than me, I feel good about myself because, "I would NEVER be that big....." Every time I go out, I don't even look at men anymore, just women. I literally thought I was a lesbian at one point because I realized I was doing this but really I know it's just me feeling like **** about myself and letting my FAT control my life.


So that's it. Just wanted to share what I've never shared before with anyone. Because, TODAY. IS. THE. DAY....NO LONGER will I let myself feel terrible. I am done.

Replies

  • caribougal
    caribougal Posts: 865 Member
    Good for you to post this. We're all here because we want to change. MFP has really helped me.

    Good luck on your journey. There are lots of good ways to lose weight and fat WITHOUT starving yourself. You don't need to torture yourself like that. Pick a diet that speaks to you and go for it!!!
  • Leisalynn84
    Leisalynn84 Posts: 113 Member
    That post could have been written by me! In fact I have a few journal entries similar to that. I've been going up and down for 12 years and with my highest weight being 203 lbs I am now 169. You are in the right place, calories in versus calories out, it REALLY is that easy! For me the hardest part has been not giving up when I have a bad day and not just eating because I'm bored.

    You can do this! Lots of little changes over a long period of time and your life will change for the better!
  • candirose69
    candirose69 Posts: 149
    Welcome to australia!!! sorry people have been nasty!! People are nasty where ever you go :(
    I'm 24 and have lost weight for the first time ever!! like properly lost weight like more than a kg and back again ... you can totally do this :)
    Where abouts in Aus you living, I'm in Melbourne, Victoria
  • lilnach
    lilnach Posts: 42
    I feel like I can totally relate.. however I've never been able to successfully diet and loose more than 3 pounds pre-MFP
    I'm 22 and in August I was in disgust from all the photos of me I saw at graduation and realized it's time for a life change and find a support system. Luckily i found the iphone app MFP and looked more into it and founda great support system via strangers with similar goals. Instead of friends who haven't been 50 lbs near my weight who truly don't understand.

    Feel free to add me... plus my dream life is in Australia !


    Good luck !
    and blog away!
  • jenilla1
    jenilla1 Posts: 11,118 Member
    That was really bold and brave of you to share your feelings like that. I wish you success in your efforts! :flowerforyou:

    Just remember not to treat this like a punishment or a quick fix diet. If you want permanent weight loss it's gotta be a permanent lifestyle change. Starving yourself and/or being on strict plans often leads to failure. Whatever you do to lose the weight should be something you can live with forever - or once you stop, it creeps back on. Make little healthy changes over time (they become habit after awhile.) Keep eating your favorite foods, but try to make healthy substitutions when you can and decrease the amounts of unhealthy foods. Don't try to change everything all at once and don't rush it! Do not be discouraged if the weight comes off more slowly than you'd like or if it stalls sometimes. Slow and steady changes indicate a good chance to keep it off in the long run. You can do this!
  • Jamie_Lauren
    Jamie_Lauren Posts: 211 Member
    Being fat in Australia SUCKS due to the sheer volume of tanned blonde beauties who look like supermodels taking up our beaches. THANKS GIRLS :grumble:

    I totally understand how you feel. I too have been the "big girl" my entire life, I was teased relentlessly at school, have had bad luck in the love department (until recently) and have overheard a guy at a club trying to get his friend to go with the "fat girl" so he could score with my friend. It's not fun and it hurts like hell when you finally realise that you need to make the change. It looks like you are at that stage now though and taking the first step to a new you, good for you! :drinker:
  • Justkeepswimmin
    Justkeepswimmin Posts: 777 Member

    So that's it. Just wanted to share what I've never shared before with anyone. Because, TODAY. IS. THE. DAY....NO LONGER will I let myself feel terrible. I am done.

    This is EXACTLY how I felt and the attitude I took when I finally stuck with this,. 60 lbs lost and counting. You Will do it! PS I live in Phoenix and maybe I don't know enough about Australia but I will say having lived in CT and OHIO before ... living in warm climates its easier to lose and keep it off...you don't have to hide from the snow to run or fight frostbite to get to the gym lol :)
  • bushidowoman
    bushidowoman Posts: 1,599 Member
    First off...you are GORGEOUS!
    I can totally relate. I went for a few years hovering around 190, starving myself down to 170, then gaining it back.
    I did finally reach my goal of 145 when I learned to be kind and patient with myself. I focused on taking good care of myself, feeding myself well, not beating myself up when I gave in to a treat every now and then. I settled for a slow weight loss, losing half a pound a week (or less).
    If what you have done so far has not worked for you in the past, do something different this time. Do something that makes you feel good, that you can live with forever. And then stick with it!
    Good luck!
  • c2111
    c2111 Posts: 693 Member
    wow that broke my heart, but your there where I was when I saw a photo of me and didnt recognise me, thats when I changed. I changed everything, I went to the library read up on nutrition, exercise etc. Im getting there. Big hugs to you, Im in australia too, sorry it hasnt been a nice time for you here, Im in cairns add me if you want a friend.
  • Verity1111
    Verity1111 Posts: 3,309 Member
    THAT'S IT. I am SO sick of being a fatass. It's time to make it viral here because I have never ever told anyone how i've felt about my body. Seriously though, I have been fat my whole entire life. I am 23 years old now. I lost weight in 2003 by starving the **** out of myself on the Atkins diet and got down to 150lbs. Slowly gained it back from 2003-2007 and in 2007 found myself at 200lbs again. Starting working out and restricting calories in 2008 and got back down to 170lbs. Ballooned back up to 215lbs and started working out and got down to 180lbs. Now I am 195lbs.

    THAT IS TEN YEARS OF BATTLING!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I'm tired of being "the big girl"

    I'm tired of hiding from photos. I'm tired of seing the photos of myself that I allow to be taken and thinking to myself WHAT THE HELL. I only allow photos on my facebook of me that I think I look skinny in. I don't want to try to fool people anymore.

    One of my legs is the size of two put together for other people.

    Since I've moved to Australia from the States 3 months ago, I have been called a fat by some girl I don't even know at an event, a child very close to me has told me i'm too fat, A guy in the club called me fat, and my friend said she could tell me a story about being fat because "I could relate"..... That's JUST the ones I know about!

    How did I let myself become this way? Why don't I see what others see? I see it, but I ignore it. It's the biggest problem in my whole life. TEN YEARS!!!!! Ten years and I'm still the same. I have so much time in my day to improve myself and I still don't care enough.

    I starve myself until I can't wait to eat anymore and just grab whatever is the quickest.

    I binge eat and say, "On Monday i'll start my diet so it's okay"..... do you know HOW MANY last meals I've had? I can't even count.

    When I try to get into a workout routine, I'll go for a day or two then quit because it's too hard. I've had a total of 3 personal trainers give me different workouts.

    I compare my body to every other girls body out there... if they're skinner than me I find something to judge about their looks to make myself feel better. If they're fatter than me, I feel good about myself because, "I would NEVER be that big....." Every time I go out, I don't even look at men anymore, just women. I literally thought I was a lesbian at one point because I realized I was doing this but really I know it's just me feeling like **** about myself and letting my FAT control my life.


    So that's it. Just wanted to share what I've never shared before with anyone. Because, TODAY. IS. THE. DAY....NO LONGER will I let myself feel terrible. I am done.
    You don't look fat to me, but I guess it is all relative to each person. I'm sorry you're so upset. Just take the time and focus. You will be okay and I'm sure you can lose the pounds and tone yourself. xo
  • SarahAFerguson
    SarahAFerguson Posts: 250 Member
    Just doing the math, you started serious dieting st 13!? You really have been on this merry-go-round for awhile. The good news is you are still young and getting fit will be so much easier now than later on.
  • mogletdeluxe
    mogletdeluxe Posts: 623 Member
    So many aspects of this post could have been written by me once - well done for getting it out there!

    It can and will be done, and this is an important first step.

    Please feel free to drop me a line for the viewpoint of someone who has been there, done that, and got the huge t-shirt.
  • Chadomaniac
    Chadomaniac Posts: 1,785 Member
    um u dont look fat?
  • DaniKenmir
    DaniKenmir Posts: 387 Member
    Glad you're in Aus, =) It really tough to get strted but now I never forget to log anything and I'm always calorie concious without being obsessive, it's a lot easier to find a balance here.
  • heagler870
    heagler870 Posts: 280 Member
    THAT'S IT. I am SO sick of being a fatass. It's time to make it viral here because I have never ever told anyone how i've felt about my body. Seriously though, I have been fat my whole entire life. I am 23 years old now. I lost weight in 2003 by starving the **** out of myself on the Atkins diet and got down to 150lbs. Slowly gained it back from 2003-2007 and in 2007 found myself at 200lbs again. Starting working out and restricting calories in 2008 and got back down to 170lbs. Ballooned back up to 215lbs and started working out and got down to 180lbs. Now I am 195lbs.

    THAT IS TEN YEARS OF BATTLING!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I'm tired of being "the big girl"

    I'm tired of hiding from photos. I'm tired of seing the photos of myself that I allow to be taken and thinking to myself WHAT THE HELL. I only allow photos on my facebook of me that I think I look skinny in. I don't want to try to fool people anymore.

    One of my legs is the size of two put together for other people.

    Since I've moved to Australia from the States 3 months ago, I have been called a fat by some girl I don't even know at an event, a child very close to me has told me i'm too fat, A guy in the club called me fat, and my friend said she could tell me a story about being fat because "I could relate"..... That's JUST the ones I know about!

    How did I let myself become this way? Why don't I see what others see? I see it, but I ignore it. It's the biggest problem in my whole life. TEN YEARS!!!!! Ten years and I'm still the same. I have so much time in my day to improve myself and I still don't care enough.

    I starve myself until I can't wait to eat anymore and just grab whatever is the quickest.

    I binge eat and say, "On Monday i'll start my diet so it's okay"..... do you know HOW MANY last meals I've had? I can't even count.

    When I try to get into a workout routine, I'll go for a day or two then quit because it's too hard. I've had a total of 3 personal trainers give me different workouts.

    I compare my body to every other girls body out there... if they're skinner than me I find something to judge about their looks to make myself feel better. If they're fatter than me, I feel good about myself because, "I would NEVER be that big....." Every time I go out, I don't even look at men anymore, just women. I literally thought I was a lesbian at one point because I realized I was doing this but really I know it's just me feeling like **** about myself and letting my FAT control my life.


    So that's it. Just wanted to share what I've never shared before with anyone. Because, TODAY. IS. THE. DAY....NO LONGER will I let myself feel terrible. I am done.

    I'm glad that you posted this. Seems like your defining moment of "That's it I've got to get this fat off." I had that moment but I never shared it. It's good that you have!

    I can totally relate about being FAT my entire life. I am 23 years old and as an adult can officially say I have never been under 200 pounds. I honestly can't even remember when I was under 200 pounds. I don't want to say I've never been skinny, instead I will say " I have never been at a healthy weight for my body," but I am on my way and I can't wait until that day.

    I've been called fat by a guy at a club before. It was upsetting to me but I'm a smart-*kitten* and told him "Yeah, I am fat but I'm also beautiful and I can get rid of it. You on the other hand are physically ugly and have an ugly heart and nothing will ever change that" I probably should have said physically ugly but I was hurt and wanted to get back at him. It pissed him off and he left. I once remember a child told her mother "Look mommy, that girl is really fat!" and her mom profusely apologized to me. It was a little hurtful but it didn't hurt me as bad as an adult saying it because children are truthful. They just are and we can't blame them for that. I was at my grandmother's funeral one time and I was walking to my car to move it. Some guys drove past and one of them yelled out the window "Oh my God look at that fat cow!" that was probably one of the worst ones for me. Not only was I devastated about my grandmother but to ad that truthful insult upon my grieving soul was too much to handle.

    Please do not compare your body to other women because no matter how much comparison is made it will never be able to be compared to another woman. Every woman's body is different. My best friend in this entire world constantly compares her body to other women and it makes her miserable. I don't compare my body to other women, but I do criticize what I see in the mirror. That's not healthy either but I would rather criticize what I need to change rather than comparing my body to someone's body that I will never be able to mimic.
  • follmer20
    follmer20 Posts: 129 Member
    I can relate to this. I too have been "dieting" since I can remember and have stayed around the same weight. It goes up then goes down, goes up, then goes back down. I have had tons of..."I'll start my diet on Monday" or "this is my last cheat day". I also don't like my pictures being taken and only let people see the ones where I think I look skinny in. As for the looking at girls in public, haha your not a lesbian. I do this to. I look at every girl I see and see something I love or hate about them. But at the same time I'm too worried about what I look like. As the same with everyone else.

    Starving yourself isn't going to work. You need to eat, eat, eat. Now I'm not saying eat everything in sight, but make healthy smart choices.

    We can all do this. You can do this! Let's forget the past and move on to the future!
  • jordanhillary
    jordanhillary Posts: 46 Member
    You all are so helpful... thanks for taking the time to respond to my post. I keep reading all of your responses over and over and it's making me feel a lot better.

    To clear things up, i'm not literally starving myself, but I will wait to prepare something until it's too late... til hunger has already set in and i'll just eat whatever is in sight, which is always something quick and terrible.

    I realize that I'm focusing on how far I have to go, rather than how much I have improved. It all just seems so far out of my hands.

    I'm sick of my cottage cheese legs and rolls.

    I'm always thinking about all the things I could do if I were skinnier... I feel I miss out on a lot because certain activities aren't for "fat people"
  • jordanhillary
    jordanhillary Posts: 46 Member
    I'm in Brisbane, but I may be moving to Melbourne at the end of December :)
  • jordanhillary
    jordanhillary Posts: 46 Member
    Welcome to australia!!! sorry people have been nasty!! People are nasty where ever you go :(
    I'm 24 and have lost weight for the first time ever!! like properly lost weight like more than a kg and back again ... you can totally do this :)
    Where abouts in Aus you living, I'm in Melbourne, Victoria

    I'm in Brisbane, but I may be moving to Melbourne at the end of December.

    From my perspective, obesity is more common(not that it is accepted) in America. Here though, I won't even get into a bathing suit and it's basically summer now... it's so uncomfortable.
  • jordanhillary
    jordanhillary Posts: 46 Member
    um u dont look fat?

    Didn't you read the part where I said I only allow photos of me where I think I look skinny? :tongue: Maybe it's time for a new photo now that i'm finally able to be honest about my feelings :smile:

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