Dating as a BBW
LitaRose77
Posts: 124 Member
So, I am on a few of these internet dating sites. They frequently send me "matches" for me to review & whatnot. My trouble is, I am scared to reach out to some of these guys. My sister tells me that I should just put myself out there, if the guy is interested, he'll respond. If not, move on.
Yeah, I get that, but my trouble is, when I find someone whose profile has me going "Wow, i'd love to meet him!" & then I go & "put myself out there" & nothing....not a no thanks, take a walk, nadda. It makes me feel like a big loser (not the good kind) that I went out of my comfort zone & tried & fell flat on my face. Clearly, I have self confidence issues.
Any advice on how NOT to feel like such a dork when this happens?
Yeah, I get that, but my trouble is, when I find someone whose profile has me going "Wow, i'd love to meet him!" & then I go & "put myself out there" & nothing....not a no thanks, take a walk, nadda. It makes me feel like a big loser (not the good kind) that I went out of my comfort zone & tried & fell flat on my face. Clearly, I have self confidence issues.
Any advice on how NOT to feel like such a dork when this happens?
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Replies
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Hey its definitely tough, ESPECIALLY online.
Most men, unfortunately, are superficial *kitten* when it comes to online dating. I met my wife off Match.com, but before I met her I was rejected / ignored etc from plenty of women. It happens and unfortunately most people will rather just dismiss a polite message than answer with a no thanks. Personally, I would take a no thanks harsher than no answer at all, but to each his own.
I'm not sure if I was able to help at all, but all I can say is hang in there and that someone will be waiting to be matched with you!
Good luck!0 -
When you have confidence issues, "putting yourself out there" can be really difficult.
But your sister is right. You need to be able to let it go and move on. You can't let the opinions (or non-responsiveness) of complete strangers affect how you feel about yourself.
If that is the case, you may not be ready. Make yourself the priority and the confidence will follow.
Good luck!0 -
I know what you mean about low confidence...but you need to love yourself before you can expect someone else to
I wish you the best of luck! Keep putting yourself out there...you won't know unless you try...things happen/work out when you least expect them to :flowerforyou: 0 -
Don't worry I had my fair share of being ignored on internet dating sites. It is frustrating at first but what you have to think to yourself is that for every rejection you get you are one step closer to your Mr Right. I found mine and you will too, you just have to keep going and not give up hope 0
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I just thought i would say this cuz its something i've noticed.
BBW women love posting pics of themselves from the cleavage up. Then you go to meet them and find out they are more than what you expected.
I love thick women, i really do, but if you are a bbw, let it all hang out so people arent suprised when they meet you. You're better off disclosing what you look like first.0 -
Hey its definitely tough, ESPECIALLY online.
Most men, unfortunately, are superficial *kitten* when it comes to online dating. I met my wife off Match.com, but before I met her I was rejected / ignored etc from plenty of women. It happens and unfortunately most people will rather just dismiss a polite message than answer with a no thanks. Personally, I would take a no thanks harsher than no answer at all, but to each his own.
I'm not sure if I was able to help at all, but all I can say is hang in there and that someone will be waiting to be matched with you!
Good luck!
i dont think its superficial or an indication of being an *kitten* if you choose not to date overweight people. some people want a fit partner that can do all the things that they can. and there are tons of health issues to worry about as well.
but i do agree with you on the no response. it seems nicer than replying back "not interested/no thanks" etc...0 -
It is hard... but the way I like to look at it is - if they are the sort of person who can't even acknowledge you, let alone answer you - then they aren't the sort of person that you would want in your life or that deserve you anyway - so you're the winner because they are showing their true colours from the start... just take it as a sign that they aren't worth it... the person who is worth it will make the effort.. just throw the others in the bin :-) You're beautiful - the right person will be out there!!0
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Online dating is a hard process. I have lost alot of weight since I did it last time, and I was hoping (assuming online dating is shallow) I would get better response this time. Ugh I still get all the sex email crap as before. This is on the free site Plenty of Fish. So I gave that up and signed up for Eharmony. I get alot less profiles to browse, but I decided this time to just 'smile' at the ones that interested me - I used to kind of wait in the background and see if I get response. If they don't want to get back to me, their problem not mine. I decided to go in this time with an open mind - noone looks exactly like their picture so unless I don't like what they have to say, or I am clearly just not attracted to them, I don't reach out. That being said, on Eharmony you can't send back a simple note to say no thank you, the process doesn't work like that.
Online dating is a hard process, can cause alot of frustration, but keep plugging away. I have had relationships comes from it.
Good luck.
ETA: There was a profile I responded to on POF of a guy who was a little chubby (which I like) he was talking about how he is changing his lifestyle and would love to get ideas. So I had 2 things I liked, we started talking about the weight loss etc. and it was fizzling out. I did make sure to say, your profile interests me otherwise, and I'd like to chat more. The said 'likely story' I was a bit confused and he said 'women don't reply to my add often' I said, well I am replying because I am interested and he laughed. OK??? I kinda gave up, I need someone with a bit more confidence than that.0 -
Bump0
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I felt that way too. So I decided to try a bbw site so I could eliminate that insecurity. It worked, I met my fiancee on there and he's wonderful. We wanna lose weight together for our health but I know he loves me for me. No matter what. He'll love me fat, he'll love me skinny, he'll love me every day inbetween.0
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I just thought i would say this cuz its something i've noticed.
BBW women love posting pics of themselves from the cleavage up. Then you go to meet them and find out they are more than what you expected.
I love thick women, i really do, but if you are a bbw, let it all hang out so people arent suprised when they meet you. You're better off disclosing what you look like first.
This. Actually if you read through a lot of dating sites ideas for pictures etc. They will tell you to do a full body picture not just face pictures. I know from expierence I can make myself look awfully damn pretty from the neck up and not look over weight at all but then in real life I have a fair bet of weight to lose (don't look at my ticker it lies because its easier that way).
Also do not classify yourself as 'average' when in reality there is 'more to love'. be honest, honesty goes a long way. As for not getting a response... just move on and don't think about it at least they didn't laugh in your face or anything.
Edited because my brain thinks faster than I type.0 -
As a formerly 383lb girl, I know how you feel! Be confident and I think you'll find that guys will either love you for you, or they won't. And you have to tell yourself that if they weren't interested, they weren't good enough for you to begin with. Be patient - I met my boyfriend of 3 years online and I made him wait to meet me until 9 months after we started talking (not on purpose, but I'm glad we talked on the phone that long!).
You are beautiful, on the inside and out, and the right guy will come along! Hang in there, have confidence in yourself, and see what happens 0 -
I just thought i would say this cuz its something i've noticed.
BBW women love posting pics of themselves from the cleavage up. Then you go to meet them and find out they are more than what you expected.
I love thick women, i really do, but if you are a bbw, let it all hang out so people arent suprised when they meet you. You're better off disclosing what you look like first.
^^^
This. Trust me, plenty of men & women out there have no problem with it. Just don't hide it and there won't be any surprises later.0 -
Just try not to take it personally when you get no response. They are complete strangers, and are not rejecting YOU really, just a very tiny part that you have put out there to be seen. Maybe some of them do it because of weight, maybe some don't like your hair color, maybe you happen to use a word or phrasing that they did not like, etc. Do not let it get to you, the right one is out there.0
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Online dating is hard thin or as a BBW. At my heaviest (320 lbs) it was hard and now at 175lbs it is hard. Online dating can be a real kick to the self esteem. Just know that there are men out there that will enjoy you, for who you are and what you desire to become.
I am suffering through the same thing, and decided to take time off from it because I truly need to love myself before I can love someone else.
Hang in there and be patient.... everything is possible!0 -
There are plenty of guys (I've seen them here) that have no issues at all dating BBW women and that love larger gals. Maybe it's not how much you weigh, but rather, how you're presenting yourself in your profile?
IMO humor works well. I would write something like:
"I bet you wouldn't guess it to look at me, but I play a mean game of <insert your favorite sport here>!!! I would love to kick your butt sometime!"
Or something like:
"I'm an active girl that loves to <hike, bike, run, whatever> and I'm looking for someone that can keep up with me!"
...assuming that's what you're looking for, but I hope you get what I'm trying to say here.
But seriously, online dating sucks and you have to weed though a LOT of people to find someone of any kind of quality...it's like that for everyone - not just you!0 -
I just thought i would say this cuz its something i've noticed.
BBW women love posting pics of themselves from the cleavage up. Then you go to meet them and find out they are more than what you expected.
I love thick women, i really do, but if you are a bbw, let it all hang out so people arent suprised when they meet you. You're better off disclosing what you look like first.
This is true! I would be mortified to show up and find he is not interested because I was heavier than my face and boob shot depicted, lol. I made sure to include a couple full body shots. And not taken from a space ship. Taken from a reasonable distance like ten feet or less. One guy commented on a small tattoo on my ankle and lectured me about his religious views on tattoos. gotcha. delete. You don't have to do anything to make yourself appear smaller, sexier, etc. Let someone who appreciates you for who you are find you.0 -
First off.. I personally refuse to identify as a BBW.. the term is just weird to me.
Be honest and totally up front of course, have some full body pictures, and realize that online your appearance will matter greatly.
You just have to get used to rejection and don't let it affect your psyche. When it does, perhaps pull out of the game for a bit, centre yourself and then go back.0 -
Same story. Free sites are so full of losers and *kitten* anyway. I've gone on maybe 8-12 dates from them in a year and a half and nothing works out. I don't have any helpful advice, but know it's not just you.
Edited to note that my profile has recent full body pictures, because I am not ashamed of who I am and my life is pretty awesome, so there are a lot of great pictures from great experiences to pull from.0 -
I think it has to do more with confidence than anything else... but maybe you should try a BBW dating site? that way you would feel more comfortable showing yourself, and being yourself, and reaching out there?
I met my husband on a BBW site 10 years ago..0 -
When I met my husband online, I weight 272 (I'm 5'6"). I had a pretty, full length photo up, so he knew what I looked like.
If you need a confidence boost, read this post:
http://thehairpin.com/2010/12/i-like-fat-chicks-questions/
There are people, not just creepy people, who are more than comfortable with plus size gals.0 -
It used to bother me and I felt kind of rejected when a guy didn't respond, but after I had to do it myself a few times I felt better about it. Sometimes you just know it's not going to happen. Or, you just went on a date with someone who is really great and while you aren't quite ready to delete your profile, you are trying to focus on this great new person you just met. Or you are too lazy to delete the old profile. It happens. Don't take it too personally. Stay inside yourself and focus on you. And yes, don't go out of your way to post bad pics but be honest. I posted a pic of myself halfway through a (walking) marathon and it wasn't the best pic, but I got a good response to it because it was honest and showed my whole body - and that I may be heavy but I'm not a total couch potato! Near the end of the whole dating thing I was actually starting to enjoy it, until I met my current SO. Now I sometimes kind of miss it in a weird way!0
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Being confident and projecting confidence are the two key factors in successful dating. If you don't yet feel truly confident, fake it till you make it. Nobody knows you don't feel 100% confident, so just pretend you are... they don't know the difference. Bonus: eventually you start to believe it yourself, and the next thing you know, you ARE that confident fabulous person you've been putting out there.
Now I dated a lot as a bigger gal ... I don't like to identify as a BBW, so I won't call myself that.. but I was big. But I got lots of dates with really great guys, and never had trouble sealing the deal when I wanted to. Because I smiled, projected confidence, took care of myself (dressed nicely, and in ways that flatter my figure, well manicured nails, clean and styled hair... it's not vanity, it's putting your very best face forward), and was friendly and not afraid to approach a man or "make the first move", I got to have a lot of nice dates with interesting men, and eventually found a husband who is basically the most amazing person on the frucking planet.0 -
Eh.. I'm not sure there's an easy way to feel confident.
Online dating is a tricky place. I much prefer meeting people first and then pursuing them after. At least I know they've SEEN me, all of me, and I like me anyway despite my size.
BUT online dating CAN work. Just... don't give up I guess.
Don't be personally offended when you don't hear a response.
Do put yourself out there. Don't be afraid to message someone.0 -
I just thought i would say this cuz its something i've noticed.
BBW women love posting pics of themselves from the cleavage up. Then you go to meet them and find out they are more than what you expected.
I love thick women, i really do, but if you are a bbw, let it all hang out so people arent suprised when they meet you. You're better off disclosing what you look like first.
true story....you have to be honest about yourself....warts and all....0 -
Same happens in real life too.... You just have to keep trying
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I just thought i would say this cuz its something i've noticed.
BBW women love posting pics of themselves from the cleavage up. Then you go to meet them and find out they are more than what you expected.
I love thick women, i really do, but if you are a bbw, let it all hang out so people arent suprised when they meet you. You're better off disclosing what you look like first.
THIS! Everyone has insecurities...but confidence goes a long way in the dating world!0 -
I met my husband on match.com 6 years ago. but there were lot of no's and no replies before that. it takes time, which it feels like there is not enough of...especially when you are lonely. Good luck to you!!!0
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Online dating is hard thin or as a BBW. At my heaviest (320 lbs) it was hard and now at 175lbs it is hard. Online dating can be a real kick to the self esteem. Just know that there are men out there that will enjoy you, for who you are and what you desire to become.
I am suffering through the same thing, and decided to take time off from it because I truly need to love myself before I can love someone else.
Hang in there and be patient.... everything is possible!
this is also true.....at my highest weight (and yeah look at my ticker) dating was HARD but at least those that didn't feign interest didn't feign interest...it was almost easier...
now I have to weed through a LOT of crazies...and i'm STILL not finding good, nice, dependable people. I'm just getting crazies.
so I dunno that it's really easy for ANYONE....at any weight...
i've given up completely on those websites.....well to be honest I've given up completely on dating all together...
it's just not something I'm prepared to do right now.0 -
I just thought i would say this cuz its something i've noticed.
BBW women love posting pics of themselves from the cleavage up. Then you go to meet them and find out they are more than what you expected.
I love thick women, i really do, but if you are a bbw, let it all hang out so people arent suprised when they meet you. You're better off disclosing what you look like first.
true story....you have to be honest about yourself....warts and all....
Genital warts?0
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