Have you gotten *lean* without torturing yourself?

It is possible to lose 40 lbs. Doesn't sound like Paleo or any all-or-nothing plan will work for you. I've found calorie counting to work for me, in combination with just moving to foods that could more easily accommodate macros (whole grains, leaner meats, veg/fruit etc), and allowing myself the occasional favoured food. Moderation, basically.

For me counting's a must as I'd slip otherwise. When I do have a 'dirty' food I like, or too much of something, it's easier for me to adjust intake the next day. I've never had more than a conservative deficit (~200-300 calls, at most, ever).

I lost 50 lbs 1.5 years ago & have been 130 lbs (+/- 5) since then (at 125 for past 6 months).

BUMP

The media makes weight loss sound so confusing. It's really all calories in, calories out and logging, while it is a pain in the butt, will help you learn what the right amount of calories feels like/looks like in your life. As far as the nutritional choices, I go with eating more whole grains, more fruits and veggies, and more lean protein, and less sugar and fat.

Well, here's what you're saying:

1) You want to lose fat and gain muscle, according to a standard you say you cannot meet (which is mostly unachievable for most women, even women in their 20s, without significant energy, commitment, etc - see http://www.marksdailyapple.com/gender-differences-in-fat-metabolism/ (for his review of the basic constraints, maybe not his recommendations, up to you to evaluate that)

2) Any other option is not ok

3) BUT you can't do the weight work , because of physical limitations

4) AND there are issues around the diet (possibly psychological, possibly physical - have you had a full workup lately?)

I think you're setting yourself up for massive disappointment/frustration. At least one of those things has to give (I'd suggest 2 & 4).

I hear you, though, been there

The best diet I have ever seen is the diabetic diet. It has all the food that you need in perfect portions. It is pretty easy to follow. I would look that up on their website for diabetic diets. It isa well balanced, low fat, low carb diet.

I've leaned out a lot over the past 10 months, and I don't put much time in at the gym and I don't go crazy with my diet.

I went from a doughy 130lbs to a muscular 120lbs. My body fat percentage has changed dramatically.

My secret? Patience. It takes time.

I lift weights 3x per week. I don't do any cardio unless I feel like it, which means that I might add in 15min of brisk walking once a week. (I get about 30min of moderate paced walking during my daily commute.)

My diet includes plenty of chocolate and peanut butter, as long as I stay within my calorie limit (more or less). Sometimes I have days when I'm way over, but I try to take it easy for a few days after that. Sometimes I even take long breaks from lifting and dieting -- like when I'm on vacation.

If you want to retain muscle while losing fat, you've definitely got to lift, and a higher protein diet will help too.

I'm at a point where I'm just really fed up with all the conflicting advice out there.

Carbs? Yes, no, as long as they're not grains, etc.

Sugar? Okay in small amounts vs poison to be completely avoided.

Dairy? Okay vs not meant for human consumption, causing leaky gut, and so on.

Cardio? Great, not-so-great, high intensity, low intensity... (and I'm from the exercise field, so I've heard a lot about this).

I've done the low-cal, low-fat exercise-like-crazy (including heavy weight training) thing. I ended up a smaller version of my fat self, with a few nice muscles here and there.

I can't do that much exercise now. I'm just not physically capable. Nor can I do much high-intensity or high-weight work.

A sort of primal/paleo diet seemed like a good fit, since supposedly it allows you to maintain more muscle. I'm not sure if that's true or not, because I have a heck of a time sticking with it for very long. It's just not the diet for me. There are too many things I miss.

I hate counting calories. After a while of that, I go crazy and binge.

This isn't meant to sound whiny. Maybe there's no good answer. I was really impressed with the "Smarter Science of Slim" advice (sort of a lower-fat, high-protein-dairy version of paleo) but then I saw an interesting webpage (Google "carb sane asylum") which bashed the author's research. So I don't know.

I just want to hang on to the muscle I've got and lose 40 pounds or so. That shouldn't be too much to ask, should it??

It's really all about calories. These were the diets I tried and failed and did the diet yo-yo with for 15 years:

Low fat high carb, Slim-Fast, Weight Watchers, Atkins, Organic, Weston Price Diet, The Schwarzbein Principle, Eat Fat Lose Fat, The Ultimate PH Solution, The Makers Diet, A friends diet from a personal trainer/dietician

I finally just got sick of it all and made up my own diet with healthy foods I enjoy and smaller portions. I ate my meals from small desert plates and bowls. I stopped eating in the evenings (not that when you eat matters.) I started calling what I did mini-meals and mini-fasts and I lost 40 lbs. Then I found Eat Stop Eat and learned why it worked and everything took off for me at that point.

Eat what you want, eat what you like, mostly healthy. Don’t deprive yourself of foods you love unless there is a serious health risk. Depriving yourself of food you love and creating extensive good food and bad food lists at some point borders on a mental disorder. It will drive you insane.

Even so, being on a deficit is HARD. There is no easy way around it. It may seem like torture to some people. I know I was in tears some nights feeling hungry and knowing that I ate enough for the day and to eat more would have meant NO DEFICIT. No deficit means no weight loss.

Being on a calorie deficit is hard. You can't do this journey on will power alone. You must set up your environment for success. Have a team around you in your real life, not just online. Get trigger foods out of the house. It will take some sacrifice and it's not easy. You might have to say no to some social events sometimes.

Too many changes at once can be hard on some people. I've always eaten healthy so it easy for me to simply eat less. Eating at a calorie deficit is hard on people; even a small deficit puts your body in a state of flux with hormones and such. Everyone is different. Some people can handle a deeper calorie deficit than others, this is not right or wrong, it just is. Stress in your life affects your hunger hormones; lack of sleep, fatigue, job stress, family stress, financial stress, etc. Add in emotional eating issues and it gets even more complicated. Most people can only handle so much change/stress at once, they try to do too much and fail. Sometimes it might be a better strategy to eat at maintenance and make some small changes first, it really depends on how much stress you are taking in at the moment.

for me it's all about a calorie budget. I had less of a budget available when I was losing weight, more to spend now that I'm maintaining and all the tools I used for weight loss come into play for the rest of my life maintaining.

When you have accumulated excess fat, you have accumulated a debt. It is hard to pay off the debt (you have less calories to spend). If you are sitting next to someone your same gender and height and they are not overweight and you are, they get to eat more than you (have more calories to spend) because they are debt free. You have less calories to spend because you are paying off your debt.

I am debt free and I never want to go into debt ever again. I don't ever want to do the weight loss process again. I'm glad I did it the old fashioned way. There is no magic pill, no short cuts, it's just plain hard. It requires tremendous determinations and focus.

There is no mystery to weight loss, everyone thinks something is wrong, their metabolism is broken, they have low thyroid, they have menopause or whatever issue, they are as unique as a snowflake, whatever. I thought a lot of these things once too but once the doctor helped resolve the health issues for me I learned there is still no magic pill. Most people eat more than they need to and are not at good at estimating calories as they think they are. Most people have a lower BMR than they think they do. The only way to know for sure is to go to a lab and have it tested. It doesn't seem fair to have to eat less and feel a little hunger. It's hard to face the truth of it, very hard. It's not fun. It's drudgery at times. But if you learn to enjoy your smaller amounts of food (necessary to lose weight, since the reason we got fat in the first place was eating too much whether we knew it or not), and rejoice in your victories it can be done.

Your body loses weight in chunks, not linear. I have found that you can do everything right and your weight loss seems to plateau but if you are patient and keep exercising and eating at a deficit (however slight) you will lose it, it will suddenly "whoosh". There are so many variables for the scale; water retention, digestion, hormones, allergies, sodium, carbs, water intake, DOMS, inflammation, the list goes on. People mistakenly think they lose or gain weight when they eat more or less because of these fluctuations.

Losing weight requires tremendous patience. You will not lose it when you want it or where you want it. The body does its thing. Some apparent plateaus can last a month or so. You cannot make it happen faster. You must focus on two things; calories and exercise. Nothing else matters. Scales and metrics don't matter. The day in and day out grind of exercise and calories are all that matters. It is not very exciting until things fall into place. You get your victories and you ride one victory to the next.

The scale is a trend tool. The scale is good but put it away and only check once a week and only use it as a trend tool. It will fluctuate, it does not matter. Take front side and back progress pictures at least once a month. You will see differences that the metrics won't tell you and it's that little bit of NSV that will keep you going until the next victory.

To say eat more is wrong.

To say eat less is wrong.

To find the exact calories needed for YOU to be in a healthy sustainable calorie deficit is the right answer. Wait, if you need to adjust by 100 do it, wait, adjust, wait, adjust, wait. The tortoise wins this race.

All that matters is calories. A healthy balanced diet within a calorie budget for a deficit that is right for YOU is all that matters for weight loss. Don't make it complicated.

I think the point of weight loss is not to torturing yourself, I think it's more about making small changes that do not impact your life, but making enough if those small changes that your life has changed for the better.

Well said! I think the best thing you can do is look at the changes that you know you can make and stick to, and as you start to do those, see what other changes you can make; start small and don't overwhelm yourself right away with a strict diet and exercise plan. Try to just eat a sensible, well-balanced diet, not too much sugar or carbs or fatty foods, but don't completely deprive yourself of the things you want. As for exercise, take it slow, start by going for walks or using a treadmill, stationary bike or cross trainer, or take some classes like aerobics, zumba or pilates. Again, start slow and let your body tell you what it's ready for.