I need to talk about my sister.

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abbylady
abbylady Posts: 26 Member
in Motivation and Support
I feel like this is a safe place for me to talk about this. I am just so worried about her and need a little advice.

My sister has always been heavier than me. In fact, I've often felt guilty for being who I am because she has had such a problem with weight. She is 3 years younger than me -- her birthday is tomorrow, actually. And for as long as she's been alive, she has been regarded as my equal. Everyone seems to forget that she is younger because we are so close. Which became a problem when people started comparing our bodies -- how we could be twins if she was smaller, how beautiful she'd look if she lost weight, etc. I hated when people said things like that, especially when we were in high school. To this day, I see her as nothing but beautiful.

A year and a half ago, she started purging. Right after her first boyfriend broke up with her. What's worse is that she was open about what she was doing. It went on for about 6 months until coincidentally, she met a new guy. At this point, she dropped 50 pounds. She slowly started gaining weight back, and I was actually relieved to see her looking fuller. She just looked healthier. But when she and this guy started having problems in March (and eventually broke up), it started all over again. From March until now, she's lost even more than before. Last time I saw her, she could fit into my size of jeans. She swears that she's just eating better and exercising, but every time I've seen her "eat," it's next to nothing. She went to the hospital a few months ago because her electrolytes were way too low. The doctors told her that her heart could be at risk if she kept up her habits...

I want to be happy for her because she's finally gotten to a place where she's happy with how she looks. But because I'm someone who has been down the road of not allowing myself food, I can see warning signs that she's not getting enough to eat. She's kind of back with this recent guy in an "exclusive but not official" relationship, which has affected how she eats. I'm grateful to know that she's on a hiatus of sorts in terms of not eating, but I'm so afraid of what might happen if he leaves her again.

My whole family has tried talking to her on separate occasions. I'm just afraid that because her body has been through such dramatic changes over the last year and a half that it's done damage to her that we can't see. Thoughts? Advice? Help?

Replies

  • Kristen_nicole95
    Kristen_nicole95 Posts: 112 Member
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    I've never been in a situation like this but what I would do is sit down and talk with et. Tell her how you feel offer help so she can be healthy the right way. Just be someone she can connect fall to when things get tough
  • 1shauna1
    1shauna1 Posts: 993 Member
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    That's a hard situation. I doubt unfortunately you would be able to do much for her since she doesn't see it as a problem. If she won't get help (sounds like she needs to talk to someone about how her feelings of self worth seem to come from men), you really can't force her. Sorry you're going through this and I'm not much help!
  • rjmwx81
    rjmwx81 Posts: 259 Member
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    Talk to a professional and see about doing an intervention. This is *really* not something you want to try and do by yourself.
  • HDD7401
    HDD7401 Posts: 14
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    She obviously has some feelings of inadequacy. She dates a guy, and when they break up she thinks there's something wrong with her and immediately goes to her weight as something she can change. I think professional help is what's going to help her. She needs to talk about why she feels this way and what triggers her to purge. A lot of these issues go deeper than you think.
  • lwagnitz
    lwagnitz Posts: 1,321 Member
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    It almost doesn't sound like it's her body image that is triggering the ED. When she leaves a SO she starts her bad habits, so I think the reason she isn't getting better is because people trying to help her are working with her on the wrong triggers.
  • jcpmoore
    jcpmoore Posts: 796 Member
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    This sounds psychological. The first thing you need to understand is that you can't change her. You can talk to her and tell her how you feel. Ask her to see a professional counselor. But ultimately, just love her and be there for her. Encourage her by telling her how great she looks while she's still in this good phase of actually eating.

    HTH
  • desiree7hanson
    desiree7hanson Posts: 31 Member
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    This is a serious issue and you are very right to worry. I had someone close to me basically stop eating as well, don't know if she purged, but I do know that she would always just get a salad, but would only push it around the plate, not really eating anything, as if that could fool someone. One time my son tried to give her a hug and she fell over because she was so weak. He was three. When she fell, her shoe fell off and I happened to see her foot, which was all bruised up, and she said the doc told her it was due to mal-nutrition. I could never imagine doing that to myself! It is so dangerous and it sounds like your sister is in the danger zone. If it goes much further, she could go into cardiac arrest and die at an early age because of these habits. She needs a wake up call. I would talk to a professional about an intervention, like rjmwx said, she might need hospitalized or at least join some groups so she can be helped. You can be there for her through the process, but sometimes it takes an outside person to talk to her and even show her graphic details of what can happen, maybe some similar situations where things did not turn out well for someone else... just some ideas. Sorry for what you're going through!
  • michcruz
    michcruz Posts: 152 Member
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    I know someone who has had an ED. This is a very tough situation. This is not going to be an easy thing for you, your family and friends (if they know) to get through. You should all talk to her until your face turns blue, but she'll likely deny and disagree. Seek help for yourselves and see if she'll seek help for herself. Tell her you'll be there with her. She may not want to do it if she feels alone.

    My friends and I sought help and it educated us and made us understand what our friend was going through (obviously, to an extent) and facing on a daily basis. They advised not to force her to do something she doesn't want to do, but rather explain what it could do for her if she seeks the help. Try not to threaten her to do this as well. A lot of times, they are ashamed of this. Sometimes they don't think no one knows what they are going through or feel no one will understand and sometimes, its as simple as they don't think they need the help.

    Just keep an eye on her as much as you can. Maybe some positive reinforcement from you or your family might help too, but it sounds as though she has some issues she really has to come to terms with first before beginning to really heal. Sorry to hear that you are going through this. Wishing you good luck in the hard times!
  • ckish
    ckish Posts: 358 Member
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    Although I have not had this particular problem I can relate. My brother had a drug and alcohol problem. It was made worse during any stress such as his divorce, death of grandparents, loss of job, etc. Since we had been so close I thought I would be able to get thru to him and make him stop. It was a hard lesson in life to accept that I can offer love and support but nothing will change without his desire to change himself. All of my concerns for his wellbeing fell on deaf ears until he woke up one day and wanted help. If she doesn't see herself as a wonderful woman with or without a man she will continue in the cycle. Once you have expressed your deep concern about her impending death and the deep sorrow you will experience at her loss if she continues with such destructive behaviors - you must painfully shift your focus to accepting your limitations to affect a positive change and begin to prepare your heart for a devasting loss. Over time I accepted that my brother could overdose and die. I would be extremely sad but it would not be my fault because I knew I had tried my best to advert it. In some ways I accepted the loss and mourned his death eventhough he was still alive because the brother I loved and adored was dead in some ways and replaced my a struggling tourtured soul. I chose to just love him for who is was not who I wished him to be. I loved him like I would someone with a uncontrolled terminal illness. The hidden blessing is once I stopped trying to reach him to correct his behavior and accepted that he would most likely die before my eyes one day he started to replay all the things I had said to him over the years. Then in his own time he realized he wanted to change. Afterwards he said the best thing I ever did was stop trying to get him to realize the path he was on was unhealthy. Once he saw me focusing on how I was going to deal with his impending loss he began to see what pain he was causing me. He didn't think enough of himself to believe he was worth saving so he would drink/drug himself because he was worthless. His recovery began once he thought he was worthless and unloveable but he didn't want to hurt me because he loved me. In time he has come to love himself but it was a long slow process. The best thing you can do for your sister is have one last serious talk with her. Hold her hands and look into her eyes. Let her know that you love and adore her even if she doesn't love and adore herself. Let her know that you hope she choses a healthier path one day. Let her know you will love her unconditionally and will be ready to help her if she should ever ask for it. Then don't ever mention it again unless she brings it up. Good luck and God bless you both in the difficult struggle that faces you.
  • abbylady
    abbylady Posts: 26 Member
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    "She obviously has some feelings of inadequacy. She dates a guy, and when they break up she thinks there's something wrong with her and immediately goes to her weight as something she can change. I think professional help is what's going to help her. She needs to talk about why she feels this way and what triggers her to purge. A lot of these issues go deeper than you think."

    I'm sure you're right on that part. And some of it I'm sure I can figure out based on history. The thing about getting her professional help is that she has to be willing to go...sigh.

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