Really, really OT, really long, Need advice

ToTheLove · May 2008

OK guys, I've been wanting to post this and get opinions for like a month now, but I've been too afraid.

This is a really long story.

Ok, so my baby daddy (Jim) and I met in high school, but then didn't see each other for like 3 years then we met again and hit it off and partied together.
There was this other guys I had been madly in love with for like 4 years that wouldn't give me the time of day (or anything other than.. well, you know) and basically one crazy weekend resulted in the blessing that became my little boy. And I didn't know who the father was. Jim was very very angry and felt betrayed by the whole thing (Oh, let me throw this in there, before this he had never been with anyone before and I have... quite a few, really... :blushing: I had a troubled childhood..) Anyway, he decided that if it was his he'd stand up and be a man and take care of him where as the other one wanted absolutely nothing to do with it. Well, I pushed Jim away big time. Finally when I was 6 months pregnant I really realized that I should at least give him half a chance and we've been together every since. (Almost a year and a half) We've been living together for a year and I'm starting to realize some things.

At first he was really, really jumpy about me going places... So i got really used to not going places. I don't have any friends left because of that.

I turned 21 in Jan and he turns 21 next week, but if we're with family or at a restaurant or something, I can't drink... because he can't.

I haven't even been to a bar yet. Because HE'S not 21.

He works as a carpet layer and has SUCH a "physical job" that he shouldn't have to do anything else... every.

I can probably count on one hand how many times he's changed a diaper or fed Owen.

He eats like no one i've ever known before. And REALLY expensive stuff ALL the time. And we're broke and since I handle all the finances.. somehow that's MY fault...

Even when there's no work and he's off... he sits on his patooty all day and plays video games...

He has a temper. It hasn't turned physical, but it's still scary.
Like yesterday... Owen tripped over the cord to his video game and made it flicker, and fell and split his lip open on the coffee table. He's screaming and bleeding all over and Jim's sitting there yelling at him for tripping over the cord calling him stupid and stuff. He's 13 months old!!!! He's only been walking for a month!! It made me sick to my stomache and cry. I just took Owen and got him cleaned up and got him his sippy cup and we just sat in the bedroom for a while and relaxed. Away from mean daddy.

How could you watch your child bleed and be MAD at them for something they can't control? It's just mean.

And the bedroom life.... pretty much non-existant because he's "tired". Yet, somehow he finds the "energy" to enjoy dirty videos.

I love him, I swear I do, but I hate him at the same time.

And the other thing is... I don't really have anywhere else to go. I can't afford to live on my own... My mom's house is packed, although I'm sure if I really needed her to, she'd find room.

I just don't know what to do. I'm so sad about everything. I thought I was going to marry him. Now I'm not so sure.

I just wish he'd change.

ToTheLove · May 2008

OK guys, I've been wanting to post this and get opinions for like a month now, but I've been too afraid.

This is a really long story.

Ok, so my baby daddy (Jim) and I met in high school, but then didn't see each other for like 3 years then we met again and hit it off and partied together.
There was this other guys I had been madly in love with for like 4 years that wouldn't give me the time of day (or anything other than.. well, you know) and basically one crazy weekend resulted in the blessing that became my little boy. And I didn't know who the father was. Jim was very very angry and felt betrayed by the whole thing (Oh, let me throw this in there, before this he had never been with anyone before and I have... quite a few, really... :blushing: I had a troubled childhood..) Anyway, he decided that if it was his he'd stand up and be a man and take care of him where as the other one wanted absolutely nothing to do with it. Well, I pushed Jim away big time. Finally when I was 6 months pregnant I really realized that I should at least give him half a chance and we've been together every since. (Almost a year and a half) We've been living together for a year and I'm starting to realize some things.

At first he was really, really jumpy about me going places... So i got really used to not going places. I don't have any friends left because of that.

I turned 21 in Jan and he turns 21 next week, but if we're with family or at a restaurant or something, I can't drink... because he can't.

I haven't even been to a bar yet. Because HE'S not 21.

He works as a carpet layer and has SUCH a "physical job" that he shouldn't have to do anything else... every.

I can probably count on one hand how many times he's changed a diaper or fed Owen.

He eats like no one i've ever known before. And REALLY expensive stuff ALL the time. And we're broke and since I handle all the finances.. somehow that's MY fault...

Even when there's no work and he's off... he sits on his patooty all day and plays video games...

He has a temper. It hasn't turned physical, but it's still scary.
Like yesterday... Owen tripped over the cord to his video game and made it flicker, and fell and split his lip open on the coffee table. He's screaming and bleeding all over and Jim's sitting there yelling at him for tripping over the cord calling him stupid and stuff. He's 13 months old!!!! He's only been walking for a month!! It made me sick to my stomache and cry. I just took Owen and got him cleaned up and got him his sippy cup and we just sat in the bedroom for a while and relaxed. Away from mean daddy.

How could you watch your child bleed and be MAD at them for something they can't control? It's just mean.

And the bedroom life.... pretty much non-existant because he's "tired". Yet, somehow he finds the "energy" to enjoy dirty videos.

I love him, I swear I do, but I hate him at the same time.

And the other thing is... I don't really have anywhere else to go. I can't afford to live on my own... My mom's house is packed, although I'm sure if I really needed her to, she'd find room.

I just don't know what to do. I'm so sad about everything. I thought I was going to marry him. Now I'm not so sure.

I just wish he'd change.

JennyBanker · May 2008

I am sorry to sat this but just becuase he helped make a baby does not make him a man. sounds really immature to me and needs to do a alot of growing up. I think you both need counciling so you both can do what is right for your little boy. Good luck!!

kerikitkat · May 2008

I'm sorry. :ohwell:

That's really terrible the way he reacted when your son tripped. If that's how he reacts to an accident made by a BABY, what's he going to do with your kid is 5 and doing annoying things on purpose like all little boys? That's sort of scary.

I guess it's really hard to get advice from a person who is happily married to a totally not violent guy who does the dishes and cooks.... and yet even HE pisses me off.

I forget how awesome he is sometimes. Anyway, I have more than one friend who is in a similar situation to yours. To me, it seems so obvious that your man is not as dreamy as you think he is, but you are simply in denial because you don't know what else to do or where else to go or how to get out of the situation you're in. You said that yourself, right? But it's never that simple. Can you talk to him about it or is that not going to go anywhere?

I dated one guy who I thought I was in love with. At the same time he was untrusting, got pissed when I did things without him, and turned angry enough to scare me a couple times. I ditched him eventually and was sad, but I knew in the end that was NOT the kind of man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. You having a baby on top of that makes it even harder - you don't want to be on your own with Owen (awesome name btw

) but... which is worse? Alone or with a lazy, mean, jealous man for your son to look up to?

:ohwell: Good luck with all this, sorry you have to make this decision.

LonelyPilgrim · May 2008

mmmm. don't think I'm the expert by any means, but I'll offer this perspective:

Sounds like some major issues that only you can decide how you want to handle. At the very least, I'd recommend you talk to him about your concerns and whether or not the two of you want to work on your problems, or just go your separate ways.

It sounds like there are a lot of things you are dissatisfied with, and that there may be some things about you that he has trouble with too (he's obviously jealous, but then again, you've given him cause to be.. so that's a hard one)

You're very young to be in this position..I'm not saying that in a judgemental way, I was 19 when I had my first child, but I just know how much I've changed over the last decade, and so I imagine your life will change a lot also.

If your partner is not your PARTNER you need to either leave the relationship, or work with him so that you both can give and receive the support and love you need to be happy.

Try to imagine what kind of a relationship you WANT. Be realistic but also have big dreams. Can you see a way he can give you that? If not... well....

this is the advice that was given to me when I was about your age, and it really hit home:

"Maybe true love doesn't exist. Maybe you have unrealistic expectations. Maybe the man of your dreams isn't really out there.

but.

Aren't you too young to quit looking? To give up so easily? to decide that what you want is unattainable?"

I know it is difficult to make big changes, especially when there is a child involved. But you also have the responsibility as his mother to show him what a good relationship looks like. To see how to communicate with your partner, disagree with your partner, give unconditional love to your partner. Staying in an unhappy relationship is not going to help him grow to be the kind of man you want him to be.

If your current boyfriend can be the man you want, and if you can be the woman he wants, then work at it. Some relationships can be salvaged. I'm not sayign give up, I'm saying look critically at what is reasonable, what is possible, and what you need to be happy.]
\

In my life I have one major criteria by which I judge the happiness in my relationship. It may sound silly, but if this one thing can be true, then I feel secure and happy and it means to me that everything else must be going right, or else I wouldnt' be able to meet the criteria.

my criteria is:

Im at a party with friends, we're separated by a crowd. I look across the room, and my insides smile. I am so glad that I'm with him, that he's with me. I find peace in the knowledge that we are going home together that night.

that's it.

I have that now, and it makes every little fight we have ... well... insignificant. We both know that we can't stay away from eachother. That at some basic level we are drawn to each other. There's a shared connection. Fights can't be about breaking up because we know that ....we're somehow bound to each other. So fights have to become about "working through it". To keep that bond unbroken.

good luck. I've been through a major breakup. With my sons' father. it's so .........................daunting.

Good luck. Stay true to yourself.

uwhuskygirl · May 2008

I am sorry to sat this but just becuase he helped make a baby does not make him a man. sounds really immature to me and needs to do a alot of growing up. I think you both need counciling so you both can do what is right for your little boy. Good luck!!

Ditto.

IMO, at this point, your baby should be your #1 priority not your BF. If it were me, I'd do everything to ensure that my baby has the best life possible and it doesn't sound like your BF is helping with that.

It's a very hard decision, but counseling may help.

I really hope that didn't sound harsh, because I didn't mean it like that. I was just trying to put myself in your shoes and to me, I couldn't put up with someone who would yell at my child like that and wouldn't help ou.

Good luck. :flowerforyou:

therob1982 · May 2008

I have to agree. Sounds like a severe immaturity problem. That can only be fixed my him.

travelbug · May 2008

This is a very difficult situation you're in and we all give you our strength.

I think you may have answered your own questions with how you wrote the events. You are scared, trapped and feeling alone. It seems like you know what you need to do but not sure if it's what you want to do. This is your only chance at life and although it will be difficult you have to decide what is right for you and your child.
I have wished many men would change in the past but they don't. Just like us ladies, we are individuals who need to find a compliment. The only change that can happen is with your current situation. Is this something you have discussed with him? If he won't ackowledge his actions take your own.
I am not in your situation so it is easy for me to say anything. But remember that you are responsible for your own safety and happiness as a result of your actions.

Hugs.

mrsyac2 · May 2008

Ok I am just going to be honest- Him and you are both young thats why your having these issues your growing up as you raise a child- it sucks trust me Im doing it I had my oldest child at 17 its not fun but you make your bed you lie in it- i dont regret my daughter for nothing she made me a better person- as for him flipping out over video games is because he is still a child in a sense and thats a big deal he isnt even 21- As for you just staying there because you dont have anywhere to go you need to suck it up and get your *kitten* together you never depend on someone else because that gives that person control-- You should also talk to him put your foot down--- Also dont not go out because he cant you can still have a life and Im sure he was jumpy because of what you did but if he is going to deal with you he is going to have to start trusting you and you need to earn your trust back as well- Its not going to be easy nobody said it would but it takes work to make a relationship work-- Good luck and please dont take offense to what I said I am a very blunt person. and I was trying to say it to nicest way possible.

(Dont make someone a priority when you are just an option)

this is exactly why they say people shouldnt even get married in there 20's because so much change/growing occurs--

This is just the tip of the iceberg there is more drama to come 21-25.

rogers8702 · May 2008

i can say you have to do what is best for you and your son, if you really want this guy you need to tell him how u feel and what u want--i know it is hard to do b/c i have been there myself even the pregnancy situation its almost identical to my marriage years ago, we had our hard spots but now that we got it all out and even spent almost a year seperated we are the happiest we have ever been.

if you feel trapped i bet he does too. try to get it out in the open and if he cant do that for you then move on YOU ARE WORTH IT and then YOUR SON IS WORTH IT.

good luck:flowerforyou:

kerikitkat · May 2008

my criteria is:

Im at a party with friends, we're separated by a crowd. I look across the room, and my insides smile. I am so glad that I'm with him, that he's with me. I find peace in the knowledge that we are going home together that night.

that's it.

I like this. My husband definitely passes the test.

ToTheLove · May 2008

Thanks so much EVERYONE for the great advice. For those of you that were harsh, thank you. I needed that.

I just talked to my mom over lunch and she straight up told me that if I wasn't happy I needed to come home.

She said she's all for doing everything in my power to make it work, but if it just doesn't, it just doesn't. The thing about Jim is he's exactly like my father. - That's no bueno.

So here's the plan. I'm going to write him a letter (because if I try to talk to him he'll just get defensive and start yelling at me and I won't get to say everything I want to say). I'm basically going to say "Here is how I'm feeling, this is what I need to change and if you aren't willing to try to change these things, then I feel like we need to spend some time apart." I'm going to do my best to not get into the "If you don't do what I want then I'm leaving you out of spite" kind of thing because, well, lets face it, that'll get me no where.

I'm not sure when i'm going to give it to him, but I feel like the sooner the better before I loose my nerve. I think this is probably the scariest thing I've ever done.

rogers8702 · May 2008

i think that is a great idea--you should do it soon so the stress doesnt make you sick and im glad you have your moms support. keep your head up girl!!!! leave the note while he is working and you go to ur moms so he has some time to digest it

fatsis · May 2008

Reading both your post tells me you need to leave. If he is this yelling uncompasionate lazy person then go. He will either change and want u back or won't change. If better test him now b4 it does get physically.

Men who verbally or physically abuse women and children are cowards and lower than gum on your shoe. To yell at your toddler for tripping over his precious video game makes me want to rip his head off. You and your child don't need this.

I got you covered in prayer girl.

MontanaGirl · May 2008

You are in my thoughts and prayers - whatever you decide!! I know you will make the best decision for yourself and that precious little boy!!

Just remember - tempers don't lessen over time in a relationship without hard work, and therapy usually. It tends to get worse as time goes by if nothing is done.

KrisKabob · May 2008

I agree with Fatsis... You and Owen deserve better.

Believe me when I tell you that you don't want to raise your son around a hot-tempered man or, worse, an abusive man... your son will only be the same way once he is old enough to do so. My father was a loser in all sense of the term (still is)... I applaud my mom for leaving when she did (I was 9 months old)... I don't think I'd be as good of a person if she hadn't. She took his verbal and some physical abuse three years prior to leaving - three years too long! He even begged for her to come back to him for two years - she almost did when I was three then I guess realized what she was doing and said "No, I can't."

Bottom line... leave him... leave now before it is too late. Any time you feel like going back to him... always remember, YOU have the BEST part of him... YOUR SON!

Just a side note... when you do leave it is VERY important that you not "bad mouth" him in front of your son. The reason I say this is b/c I have actually seen this backfire on people. When your son is old enough he will be able to develop his own opinion of his father (like I did). When he then comes to you with questions... be honest not vengeful. Owen will apprciate that later... I know I did.

It may be hard at first but you can do it. And once you realize that you don't have to rely on any man then that will be the most fulfilling day of your life. Good luck! We are here to support you! :flowerforyou:

KB

P.S. Don't beat yourself up for your "past"... focus on your Son and your future with him. :flowerforyou:

mrsyac2 · May 2008

i think that is a great idea--you should do it soon so the stress doesnt make you sick and im glad you have your moms support. keep your head up girl!!!! leave the note while he is working and you go to ur moms so he has some time to digest it

I agree.. If you cant discuss this with him in person and you need to write a letter then you need to go to your moms house and leave the letter there for him to see just make sure in the letter you say that you are going to your moms house for some space to think things through- and when he is ready to discuss things without yelling then he knows where to find you..

KrisKabob · May 2008

One last note... Keep in mind that your BF will probably get worse after he turns 21... alcohol never helps a bad situation. In fact, it only worsens it. My Dad was also an alcohol abuser... still is (and he's 51). :frown:

Good luck to you! :flowerforyou:

ToTheLove · May 2008

One last note... Keep in mind that your BF will probably get worse after he turns 21... alcohol never helps a bad situation. In fact, it only worsens it. My Dad was also an alcohol abuser... still is (and he's 51). :frown:

Good luck to you! :flowerforyou:

Thanks, and trust me, I know how it is when the parents badmouth each other. I come from a broken home that did exactly that. It really screws with the kid. I know first hand.

Thanks alot for you advice!

Benson · May 2008

So here's what I think Forget about your past Everyone has one You are only 21 - don't even bring it up again. Look to the future and what do you see? A great guy who is mean once in a while or a mean guy who is great once in a while. Be proud that you recognize that you deserve the best for yourself and you beautiful boy. DON'T SETTLE FOR LESS THAN YOU DESERVE!!

I wish you well in what ever you decide.

Heather

fatsis · May 2008

One last note... Keep in mind that your BF will probably get worse after he turns 21... alcohol never helps a bad situation. In fact, it only worsens it. My Dad was also an alcohol abuser... still is (and he's 51). :frown:

Good luck to you! :flowerforyou:

Thanks, and trust me, I know how it is when the parents badmouth each other. I come from a broken home that did exactly that. It really screws with the kid. I know first hand.

Thanks alot for you advice!

Sweetheart break the cycle in your family. Without pushing religon too much find a good bible based church. My wife and I regret not seeking a church when we going through infertlity until the last three yrs of our 13yrs of infertlity. We are here 4 u @ MFP.:flowerforyou:

SilverVal · May 2008

Thanks so much EVERYONE for the great advice. For those of you that were harsh, thank you. I needed that.

I just talked to my mom over lunch and she straight up told me that if I wasn't happy I needed to come home.

She said she's all for doing everything in my power to make it work, but if it just doesn't, it just doesn't. The thing about Jim is he's exactly like my father. - That's no bueno.

So here's the plan. I'm going to write him a letter (because if I try to talk to him he'll just get defensive and start yelling at me and I won't get to say everything I want to say). I'm basically going to say "Here is how I'm feeling, this is what I need to change and if you aren't willing to try to change these things, then I feel like we need to spend some time apart." I'm going to do my best to not get into the "If you don't do what I want then I'm leaving you out of spite" kind of thing because, well, lets face it, that'll get me no where.

I'm not sure when i'm going to give it to him, but I feel like the sooner the better before I loose my nerve. I think this is probably the scariest thing I've ever done.

Yes Ia gress it is scarey, I agree with everyone who says counselling, need to get you back in your life and your sons
he sounds very controlling, and as I have learned in my past it can only get worse, I hope he will attend counselling with you or you taking your moms assistance and move back home for now, I almsot died with a controlling man, I am lucky to be alive, we all want you to be okj and your son, he showed no concern that his son was hurt and it was an accident

take care
things in your life will get better, once you take action you are happy with
hugssssssssssssssss fropm someone who was in a similar situation

GravyGurl · May 2008

One last note... Keep in mind that your BF will probably get worse after he turns 21... alcohol never helps a bad situation. In fact, it only worsens it. My Dad was also an alcohol abuser... still is (and he's 51). :frown:

Good luck to you! :flowerforyou:

Thanks, and trust me, I know how it is when the parents badmouth each other. I come from a broken home that did exactly that. It really screws with the kid. I know first hand.

Thanks alot for you advice!

Sweetheart break the cycle in your family.

Yes, break the cycle. My first marriage was exactly like my dad's and step mothers- drunken fights, beating on each other and then on me when they were mad at each other and the other wasn't around to take it out on.

I married a man that started to put me through the same thing... I took my boys after 13 yrs of marriage and left him so that my boys wouldn't have to stay in that environment and end up treating women like their father did. I wish I would have had the courage to do it sooner than what I did

Change your environment... before your environment changes you :flowerforyou: hugs

Helawat · May 2008

Men don't change....remember that.

GinaB30 · May 2008

OK guys, I've been wanting to post this and get opinions for like a month now, but I've been too afraid.

This is a really long story.

Ok, so my baby daddy (Jim) and I met in high school, but then didn't see each other for like 3 years then we met again and hit it off and partied together.
There was this other guys I had been madly in love with for like 4 years that wouldn't give me the time of day (or anything other than.. well, you know) and basically one crazy weekend resulted in the blessing that became my little boy. And I didn't know who the father was. Jim was very very angry and felt betrayed by the whole thing (Oh, let me throw this in there, before this he had never been with anyone before and I have... quite a few, really... :blushing: I had a troubled childhood..) Anyway, he decided that if it was his he'd stand up and be a man and take care of him where as the other one wanted absolutely nothing to do with it. Well, I pushed Jim away big time. Finally when I was 6 months pregnant I really realized that I should at least give him half a chance and we've been together every since. (Almost a year and a half) We've been living together for a year and I'm starting to realize some things.

At first he was really, really jumpy about me going places... So i got really used to not going places. I don't have any friends left because of that.

I turned 21 in Jan and he turns 21 next week, but if we're with family or at a restaurant or something, I can't drink... because he can't.

I haven't even been to a bar yet. Because HE'S not 21.

He works as a carpet layer and has SUCH a "physical job" that he shouldn't have to do anything else... every.

I can probably count on one hand how many times he's changed a diaper or fed Owen.

He eats like no one i've ever known before. And REALLY expensive stuff ALL the time. And we're broke and since I handle all the finances.. somehow that's MY fault...

Even when there's no work and he's off... he sits on his patooty all day and plays video games...

He has a temper. It hasn't turned physical, but it's still scary.
Like yesterday... Owen tripped over the cord to his video game and made it flicker, and fell and split his lip open on the coffee table. He's screaming and bleeding all over and Jim's sitting there yelling at him for tripping over the cord calling him stupid and stuff. He's 13 months old!!!! He's only been walking for a month!! It made me sick to my stomache and cry. I just took Owen and got him cleaned up and got him his sippy cup and we just sat in the bedroom for a while and relaxed. Away from mean daddy.

How could you watch your child bleed and be MAD at them for something they can't control? It's just mean.

And the bedroom life.... pretty much non-existant because he's "tired". Yet, somehow he finds the "energy" to enjoy dirty videos.

I love him, I swear I do, but I hate him at the same time.

And the other thing is... I don't really have anywhere else to go. I can't afford to live on my own... My mom's house is packed, although I'm sure if I really needed her to, she'd find room.

I just don't know what to do. I'm so sad about everything. I thought I was going to marry him. Now I'm not so sure.

I just wish he'd change.

The thing about men is....(and no offence to other men! lol Some men are NOT like this) but with my personal experiance it seems like they are at LEAST 5 yrs behind their *actual* age.

For example....he's turning 21? Than he's basically 16...and wanting to live that *teen* life..
My EX-Finace was 23 and mentally, probably 17...in soo many ways!
I think from what you've written...that he probably can change, and he probably WILL once he grows up some more....but is it worth it to stick around and live with this guy who is ALREADY calling a *baby* stupid??
Probably not....
not unless he agrees to some counselling....anger management perhaps?
=o/

kerikitkat · May 2008

The thing about men is....(and no offence to other men! lol Some men are NOT like this) but with my personal experiance it seems like they are at LEAST 5 yrs behind their *actual* age.

It's not that they are behind THEIR age, it's behind OUR age.

My husband when I met him was 23 and I thought he was SO much more mature than the guys my age... but only because he was about the same as I was... lol and we were both equally immature. Now he's 26 and acts like an adult instead of a teenager. Must be why young women seek out men a few years older. To a point anyway!

GinaB30 · May 2008

LOL well yeah, that's pretty much it...LOL
I mean, I was 20 when I met my husband who was 29 and now here we are.....I'm 28 and he's 37 and yeah, he's more like 32 and I'm 23ish maybe LOL

kerrilucko · May 2008

This is only my opinion but:

Your son, although a beautiful, loved child, was an accident. You said so yourself. You should not have to spend your whole life in misery because of one little bump along the way. If this is his attitude, you need to leave. He isn't physical, but he's still hurting you, and its hurting your son, and that's not ok. If mom can't have you, stay with a friend, stay with an aunt, or apply for help (ie- welfare). You may not be able to afford an amazing place to live, but all you need is a small, clean, safe place to raise your son. Plus if this guy is the dad, he's legally obligated to support his son financially. Maybe at somepoint in the future he will be mature enough and capable enough to properly care for his son.

I wish you lots of luck, and I know it must be very difficult, but taking a break from this situation is really necessary.

Really, really OT, really long, Need advice

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