Yelled at before Thanksgiving dinner? (ranty post)

zlottery
zlottery Posts: 25
in Motivation and Support
So, as a pre-story: My best friend and I have been dieting/losing weight since last summer. I can honestly say I got more into it than she did.. I (now realize) that I talk a lot about dieting/exercising around her. Usually, I don't even think about it. When I say it consciously, I'm usually hoping to bond with her over it or sharing a proud accomplishment. Furthermore, I never verbally judge her or even have critical thoughts about her doing things her own way and not obsessing over it as much as me. I also never really thought she cared about the comments I made.

Right now, I'm out-of-state with her and her family, it's Thanksgiving Day, we've had a lot of fun today doing shopping and playing games and such. She and I have been planning to cook dinner all day as well. So we finally begin, and half way through she just stops me completely and goes "I can finish it all myself." It being that I was more excited than her all day about cooking, I got upset. I grabbed my laptop and just went to my room. She comes up and just EXPLODES telling me ALL her feelings about how she can't stand the dieting/weightloss comments I make and how it makes her really self-conscious, and annoys her, and overall that she's not as obsessive about it as I am so she doesn't wanna hear it.

I had NO idea.. and again, I've never been critical of her, I make general comments or about myself so I was caught completely off-guard. I dont know what to do now because dinner is about to start and I'm really upset. I'm self-conscious about my own eating now. I haven't eaten too much today because I was saving up to pig out at dinner and she commented that I was starving myself all day and it's not healthy.. and I'm hungry as hell now but I feel like if I see her I'll burst into tears. If I don't go downstairs, I feel like she'll judge me even harder for not eating.

Also, her family is down there having a blast and I, having been excited all day, have locked myself up. I don't wanna be questioned about it because I feel like I'm the guilty one and I feel awful for making HER feel bad and I* feel bad and it's just a disaster right now.

What should I do?!?!?

I understand this is more of an emotional post than MFP-related things, but I don't know where else to ask :(


*Rudeness isn't really an issue.. this is a REALLY close friend whose family I know really well and is very understanding. I just don't know what to say to her or how to act or eat or have fun for that matter when Im this upset.

Replies

  • JayStu
    JayStu Posts: 332 Member
    Sorry i don't have an answer pertaining to the emotional part but you should attend the dinner since you are a guest with the family it would be considered rude of you not to join them.

    Happy Thanksgiving to you!
  • Dudagarcia
    Dudagarcia Posts: 849 Member
    Go downstairs and have fun!! Be who you are. She's jealous that she's not as committed as you are. That's her problem.
  • TahoeSki
    TahoeSki Posts: 69 Member
    Agree, go to dinner. You are the guest and shouldn't be locked up in a room. Then talk to her about it later telling her that you had no idea this was bugging her and that you wish she had said something before she felt she needed to explode on Thanksgiving Day. Friends communicate with one another.

    Good luck!
  • Cranktastic
    Cranktastic Posts: 1,517 Member
    just break up.
  • schondell
    schondell Posts: 556 Member
    Go downstairs, try to find her immediately and apologize or just say "lets forget about it!", greet her family members and tuck in for a delicious meal! Don't ruin the holiday for yourself by staying locked up in the room :)

    EDIT: You guys can talk about the blowout afterwards, now is not the time
  • spangey13
    spangey13 Posts: 294
    If it was me, no matter how I truely felt, to remove awkwardness from the situation I would go and give my friend a hug, tell her that I am sorry for being all in her face about it, and that unless she wants to talk about it again, that you wont raise it. Say that you're really looking forward to pigging out at dinner with all the yummy food you have prepared together and there'll not be another word from you about food/diet etc unless she wants to talk about it.

    Then suck it up and get on with the night.

    As the previous poster said, you are their guest so it would be rude not to joint them for dinner!
  • vtmoon
    vtmoon Posts: 3,436 Member
    If she is a close friend you care about go downstairs and apologize, simply say you are sorry cause you didn't realize how talking about that stuff made her feel. Enjoy the rest of the night like you planned with her, even go overboard tonight if it will make the situation better. As far as diet and fitness stuff, I would just never ever talk about it when you are around her.
  • rosesigil
    rosesigil Posts: 105 Member
    :flowerforyou: hi,
    Go down to dinner and eat. There's a lot of stress around holidays for us all---especially being cooped up with the family all day (( : !
    The best thing to do I think when your friends get weird is to just ignore it, smile, and go on as normal--as if nothing happened. After a while, she'll bring it up and uy can talk about it---just be sure to keep calm! Then it won't escalate again. Just my thoughts cause this happens to me sometimes because I have a hot Irish temper and sometimes I say stupid things and blow up like your friend did, and then I'm ALWAYS sorry afterwards! and not even really mad--just stressed in the moment or whatnot!
  • lmc8774
    lmc8774 Posts: 129 Member
    I agree with the above posts. Take a deep breath and go downstairs to eat. It sounds like your friend is a little jealous/intimidated by your success and probably feeling a little bad about herself and taking it out on you. Also, I barely ate all day so I could enjoy my Thanksgiving dinner and not have too many calories. So try to grin and bear it even if you have to fake it. Not excusing your friends behavior towards you, but just try to make the best of it as hard as it might be.
  • Dub_D
    Dub_D Posts: 1,760 Member
    just break up.

    Definitely this.
  • Flixie00
    Flixie00 Posts: 1,195 Member
    Its stress, she doesn't mean half of what she has said. Go and eat and enjoy yourself. She will probably be feeling a bit sheepish after that off load, but don't hold it against her.

    Happy Thanksgiving from the UK :smile:
  • Lisa760
    Lisa760 Posts: 113 Member
    Give her an apologetic smile and tight hug. Tell her that you love her and would never knowingly hurt her feelings. You weren't aware that your comments affected her so much and from now on you'll tone it way down because now you know it bothers her. You need to forgive yourself for this and keep moving forward. Good luck.
  • happypath101
    happypath101 Posts: 534
    If it was me, no matter how I truely felt, to remove awkwardness from the situation I would go and give my friend a hug, tell her that I am sorry for being all in her face about it, and that unless she wants to talk about it again, that you wont raise it. Say that you're really looking forward to pigging out at dinner with all the yummy food you have prepared together and there'll not be another word from you about food/diet etc unless she wants to talk about it.

    Then suck it up and get on with the night.

    As the previous poster said, you are their guest so it would be rude not to joint them for dinner!

    This! And breathe. :O)
  • algebravoodoo
    algebravoodoo Posts: 776 Member
    Sounds like the typical family holiday drama to me. My grandmother always said, "If it ain't chickens, it's feathers." Holidays are stressful at best and it is entirely possible that she wasn't really upset with you per se. You were a safe target, a steam vent and yes, she let you have it with both barrels, but you may not be aware of stressors that come to a head only when the family is gathered under one roof. It may sound a little warped, but you could consider it a complement that she feels secure enough in your relationship to cut loose on you like that when she cannot do so with her own kin.

    Enjoy dinner, let her calm down, put weight loss to the side for the moment, and when things quieten down, let her know you care.
  • wendye1960
    wendye1960 Posts: 60 Member
    If it was me, no matter how I truely felt, to remove awkwardness from the situation I would go and give my friend a hug, tell her that I am sorry for being all in her face about it, and that unless she wants to talk about it again, that you wont raise it. Say that you're really looking forward to pigging out at dinner with all the yummy food you have prepared together and there'll not be another word from you about food/diet etc unless she wants to talk about it.

    Then suck it up and get on with the night.

    As the previous poster said, you are their guest so it would be rude not to joint them for dinner!

    This! And breathe. :O)

    I agree definitely this.
  • robin52077
    robin52077 Posts: 4,383 Member
    Punch the *****!

    in the throat....

    then kick her in the tits....

    Happy Thankgiving!

    :flowerforyou:

    works for me....
  • evmoses
    evmoses Posts: 46 Member
    Go downstairs and have fun!! Be who you are. She's jealous that she's not as committed as you are. That's her problem.


    Totally agree with ^ ..I have a good friend that lost some weight due to health issues and I was so supportive, telling her how good she looked and how proud I was, I have always found it easy to diet but then gain it back. She recently went up in weight ...health issues rectified. And I, not telling anyone, had started to diet again. Sp when I saw her again and was down 20 ;lbs she said things like I was starving myself .... she said things like " this is the thinnest I have seen you in a long, long, long, long, looooong time" one long would have been sufficient! : ) Then when I told her I had been cold since our first cold front she told me " yep when that fat gets cold it is hard to warm up" ! WHAT! Anyway, I guess what I am getting at is it is her problem! Do not let it sidetrack your progress. I know it can be embarrassing, but go down and have a nice dinner and have a talk later. And give her the benefit of the doubt...maybe a family member told her that you are a guest and should not be working and when you packed up and left she got her feelings hurt and let all her pent up feelings of resentment come out. Not saying that is right, but if she really is a friend you should be ok to talk about it later. If she is so insecure that you cannot.. then some times we have to do what is best for ourselves. Good luck!
  • _VoV
    _VoV Posts: 1,494 Member
    If it was me, no matter how I truely felt, to remove awkwardness from the situation I would go and give my friend a hug, tell her that I am sorry for being all in her face about it, and that unless she wants to talk about it again, that you wont raise it. Say that you're really looking forward to pigging out at dinner with all the yummy food you have prepared together and there'll not be another word from you about food/diet etc unless she wants to talk about it.

    Then suck it up and get on with the night.

    As the previous poster said, you are their guest so it would be rude not to joint them for dinner!

    This! And breathe. :O)

    I agree definitely this.

    Ditto.
  • MissJanet55
    MissJanet55 Posts: 457 Member
    If it was me, no matter how I truely felt, to remove awkwardness from the situation I would go and give my friend a hug, tell her that I am sorry for being all in her face about it, and that unless she wants to talk about it again, that you wont raise it. Say that you're really looking forward to pigging out at dinner with all the yummy food you have prepared together and there'll not be another word from you about food/diet etc unless she wants to talk about it.

    Then suck it up and get on with the night.

    As the previous poster said, you are their guest so it would be rude not to joint them for dinner!

    Exactly what I would have suggested.
  • ruckerbenton
    ruckerbenton Posts: 94
    I don't think I'd apologize as your new lifestyle and relationship with food is a great thing, Just try to let it ride. Go eat with everyone. Eat the way you choose. If she's a good friend, she should be apologizing to you.
  • Retiredmom72
    Retiredmom72 Posts: 538 Member
    Go downstairs and simply ask if there is anything you can do and then greet her family and be yourself. She is actually feeling a little left out because you have taken control. If someone asks, "is that all you are eating, just respond I am fine thanks." compliment her on the meal and eat what you have planned. Breathe. Happy Thanksgiving.
  • MissFitee
    MissFitee Posts: 106 Member
    It's easy to talk alot about something that you're passionate about. Perhaps you've talked about it more than you think or realize. When I started caring about health I was so amazed at all the science and facts that I had never known about before and I liked to share things because I thought it was just so cool. The friends that I spent alot of time with got annoyed after a while tho, always hearing about calories or good and bad ingredients and so on. I can totally understand this, if my friend was always talking about rocket science any time I tried to have a conversation with them I'd probably get annoyed too after a while...

    Though I don't think Thanksgiving was the best time to let it all out. =)
  • jturnerx
    jturnerx Posts: 325 Member
    This is what happens when people don't communicate their feelings. They bottle it up, resentment builds then stuff will come toward you sideways. It's not your fault if your friend didn't want to hear about your diet/exercise as you've been moving along the path. You can't read her mind.

    Breathe. You are a guest so go downstairs and put what happened aside for the time being. When an appropriate opportunity presents itself hopefully you two can have an adult conversation about what happened and figure out how to move forward.
  • dad106
    dad106 Posts: 4,868 Member
    Um newsflash honey, but everyone cares about comments made about weight.. wether you think they do or not.

    Best thing to do is go down stairs and apologize for being a self centered.. and then eat dinner like normal.

    You know your friend is not as into dieting as you are... so what did you think shoving it in her face everyday was going to do? Make her want to be? No, it's going to alienate her.. and I'm glad she finally told you how she really feels. Now you'll know to keep your mouth shut unless asked.
  • AlsDonkBoxSquat
    AlsDonkBoxSquat Posts: 6,128 Member
    You go down stairs and you share the part of your feelings with her that you need to and leave the rest. You apologize to her if your words/actions have offended her and tell her that your intent was to share this with her, not hurt her. You say that you understand that weight and lifestyle are personal and sometimes when we're in the middle of it we forget that not everyone is excited about it as we are.

    You must understand that as we make changes in our lives and discuss them with our friends and loved ones it high lights their struggles for them. I think my husband went through a period of time where he even considered I may leave him (ridiculous notion). It's like tAlking about work at home, they want to hear the highlights but the details are not only uninteresting to anyone but you, they can become annoying when jammed down your throat. Not everyone is excited for you as you are for yourself. So pick yourself up, pit in your big girl panties, and go have some fun, damn it!
  • Redbird99ky
    Redbird99ky Posts: 305 Member
    My opinion only.

    Go downstairs with your head high. Pull her aside and tell her what you just told us, about not having any idea. Apologize for the past comments, and forgive her for yelling at you. She probably feels just as bad as you do.

    Thanksgiving is a time to give thanks, not hold grudges. Forgiveness doesn't need an apology to be offered, nor does it require an apology after being offered.

    God forgives us for all of our indiscretions and sins, the least we can do is extend His grace and forgive someone for yelling. Enjoy Thanksgiving. Who knows, after you have your talk with her, you two might bond in a way you never thought imaginable.
  • HealthyAlison
    HealthyAlison Posts: 112 Member
    If it was me, no matter how I truely felt, to remove awkwardness from the situation I would go and give my friend a hug, tell her that I am sorry for being all in her face about it, and that unless she wants to talk about it again, that you wont raise it. Say that you're really looking forward to pigging out at dinner with all the yummy food you have prepared together and there'll not be another word from you about food/diet etc unless she wants to talk about it.

    Then suck it up and get on with the night.

    As the previous poster said, you are their guest so it would be rude not to joint them for dinner!

    This! And breathe. :O)

    I agree definitely this.

    Ditto.

    I agree too.

    It's a really tough situation to be around overweight friends if you're losing or trying to and they aren't. The last thing you want to do is offend them. If they are close friends, you want them to be happy for you. Of course, having been overweight, you also realize how hard it is to be in their shoes. Sometimes the tension is there even without saying a word. If you you go out and share a meal and you eat a fraction of what they do in trying to follow your plan, you can worry about sending an unwanted message just by what is on your plate.

    It sounds to me like tensions have been building up for some time and exploded at the bigest food event of the year. It also sounds like she may be pretty frustrated with herself. Hopefully by now you've gone down to have dinner, and maybe a little later find some time for a heart to heart talk about it.

    Good luck!!! Hopefully given a little time and conversation you'll end up even better friends than before.

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