how can I help my teen daughter eat healthily?

Sounds like it might've started with just wanting to lose weight, being bigger than her friend, but it's gone a bit far now in terms of the eating behaviours.

If she won't talk to you, is there anyone else she is close to that you can have a word with? Is she involved in any sports? You could possibly enroll her in something she likes doing, but place the importance on being healthy and her eating well in order to be able to help her with the sport. Maybe she'll make some new friends there, not saying her current ones are bad but it'll give her a range.

I'm no expert, and don't have kids, but if it continues and she starts becoming too small, or you never seem to see her eat, it's probably best that you see a professional with her, get her help before it becomes a real problem.

14 is a hard age to try and talk to.

My own kids aren't quite there yet, but my 8 year old reacts the same - whenever I talk to her about something she doesn't like talking about or thinks I don't understand, she flips at me, gets really aggressive and closes up.
So, I've bought a notebook and wrote to her in that, explaining that it's a notebook just for her and me and for nobody else, that we can talk about anything in that. So far, it works. Mainly, I think, because there's no immediate reaction of throwing insults and feeling like I'm having a go at her. I can explain everything in writing and she can read it in her own time and answer in her own time.

Just a thought - it might help you get your point across about eating healthily, maybe get her to prepare meals with you. Let her know you're willing to listen to/read suggestions from her how to find a compromise with mealtimes and make sure she doesn't develop any unhealthy habits.

hope this helps

I think this is a very good idea! coming from a background with a ED, and now having two young daughters I fear about this everyday. One thing you need to understand about this is that she feels like she is out of control, and this is the only thing she can control. The notebook will be a place she feels she can control - read as much or as little as she wants.
Good luck with this, it'll be a rough ride.

What I see..
She's down 5-6 sizes in 5-6 months. From a size 16UK is "roughly" a 'large' which is not THAT big to start with..maybe 170/180lb down to a 'medium' roughly..ermm 140..(I'm an inch shorter and basing this on my size at that weight) so 35-40lbs in 5 months. I've done 30 in that time but started much heavier so it was easier for me.. She's losing way too fast for someone her size. By your analysis she is not eating with you and only eats salad, to me.. she is hiding something.

I hope you are not too late but you may be wanting to talk to a professional about it if you can't find out whats going on from her soon.

Aww I'm so sorry to hear that she is going through this. It does sound like an eating disorder. There are some things people aren't aware of about eating disorders, they are not purely about weight or appearance. The National Eating Disorders Association states that:
"While eating disorders may begin with preoccupations with food and weight, they are most often about much more than food. People with eating disorders often use food and the control of food in an attempt to compensate for feelings and emotions that may otherwise seem over-whelming. For some, dieting, bingeing, and purging may begin as a way to cope with painful emotions and to feel in control of one’s life, but ultimately, these behaviors will damage a person’s physical and emotional health, self-esteem, and sense of competence and control."
Try to find out if there are other things in life that are causing her stress. Just having someone to talk to might help.

Try to detract her focus from food and weight, the more you comment or force her to do something, the more likely she'll get mad. The biggest step you can do is to take her to a professional and therapist. She is very young and it's better to fix this now with a professional than without. My eating disordered symptoms started at 10 and I wish that I could've stopped it then before anything worse happened. Good luck! Things can definitely get better, try not to worry too much (I know it's hard) but it's important to stay calm and not stressed out in front of her. Professional help is your best and safest option.

Meanwhile, the following link gives you some ideas on how you can support/help her:
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/eating_disorder_self_help.htm

Just wanted to add that I'm not saying that she does have an ED but the above advice is for just in case.

Also, I assume that you are here to lose weight. Just be careful about your diet and exercise around her. Try not to mention anything about that as it may be triggering. Take care. I hope this helped somewhat! xx

Focus on the positives...she wants to lose weight - that's great a size 10/12 isn't taking things too far but I agree she's going the wrong way about it - and needs to be educated - starvation isn't the way. Why not got a slimming world/weight watchers recipe book and ask her to pick out some meals to try - she can help you make them if she's into that, include her in meal planning etc.

Your on here so I guess your into being healthy/exercising etc so maybe put the focus on you & your progress etc, maybe leave this website on your pc so she can see it, ask her opinion on stuff you've read in the forums etc - take the focus off her & maybe she'll learn by what your doing without having you telling her what she needs to do & her getting all angry & not listening.

I'm glad you've picked up on her having problems, being 14 is tough & having a loving mum helps a lot, she just doesn't know it yet

It does sound as though she is headed in that direction. Might I suggest a shopping trip for new clothes for school, summer, winter, whatever. It is a good time to listen closely to her comments about her body shape and how she feels about fitting into clothes in general. If it is all negative and she will not talk to you about it, perhaps it may be time to make an appointment with a psychologist to head off the problem before it becomes too entrenched. Dysmorphic body image, the wish to be something different sized or shaped and not seeing herself as beautiful as she is, is a great contributor to eating disorders.

It might help to if you pull her little friend aside sometime and tell her your concerns. Ask her to just offhandedly make some positive reinforcing remarks to her friend at appropriate times, such as, "I wish I could wear ________ like you. I just don't have the body structure to pull it off." or something similar to pump up her self-image and let her see that there are drawbacks to every shape and size a person can be. Maybe even, "I wish I could gain a few pounds. I've tried and tried, but I just can't." She might be surprised.

Also, you need to sit her down and explain that you expect her to sit at the family table EVERY meal and eat with the family. If she is concerned about her figure and calories, take her to a doctor and have the doctor give her a reasonable diet for her age and size, then help her track the calories to MEET those healthy dietary guidelines. If she insists on dieting, help her do it safely and healthily, with reasonable weight goals in mind. Keep reinforcing that the anorexic look is not a realistic body image for anyone. It might help too to have her talk to some recovered anorexics about their battles, sicknesses, even near death experiences. I knew one who quit eating to lose weight and went from 400 lbs to very thin, but had 3 heart attacks along the way and ruined her health and her teeth.

I am currently going through the same thing as your daughter. It's hard being a big boned girl especially in today's society and you have to understand that right now she's in a dark place in her mind. Food is the enemy. Does she cook for you but not eat it? Do you ever see her looking at food? Touching it? Smelling it? Reading the nutrition labels on everything? Has she gotten her menstrual cycle? If you've noticed any of these things then you should probably take her to see a doctor. You can't convince her to eat healthy, it just won't work especially if she has her mind set and by the sounds of it, she already does and has chosen not to eat. It would be a good idea for her to see a counselor because she needs to talk to someone who has experience in this kind of situation. It's a horrible sickness and so hard to overcome. I wish you and your daughter the absolute best.

When I was about 15 I stopped eating, I felt fat. My mom confronted me and told me that if I wouldnt tell her the reason I wouldnt eat, she would make me go to the doctor's and discuss it with her. Just that threat made me start eating again (because I really really hate going to the doctors). If she doesnt mind going to the doctor's then that threat might not work, lol