Not feeling supported

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1MariaChristina
1MariaChristina Posts: 93 Member
in Motivation and Support
Feeling completely defeated. I have teeter tottered with my weight loss for a better part of 10 years. The biggest weight loss I have ever had was actually when I was pregnant with my daughter. The day I found out I was pregnant I weighed 167 pounds, the day I delivered her, pre op, I weighed 112 pounds. Well that was 8 years ago and thanks to wreckless living, stress and poor self esteem and neglect I am now at the second heaviest I have ever been at 175 lbs. This is primarily an issue because I am 5 ft tall.
My current boyfiend is by and large the healthiest relationship I have ever been in however my eagerness to move forward and get myself healthy seems to be bringing out the worst in him. He isn't on board with any of the changes I am trying to implement, has a gym membership that he doesn't use, has expensive workout programs that I purchased that he doesn't use, still eats garbage and gets angry when I suggest he get on the bandwagon. Tonight he and I went to a department store and he insisted that I try on those trendy boots that are made for skinny toothpick legs and when I protested because I know they aren't made for my legs his response to me saying "they don't fit my calves" was "well thats your own damn fault" and we proceeded to try on a whole bunch of boots that wouldn't zip up, slide on or all around fit-and now I here I am writing about how one little comment could bother me so much. I wanted to see how many of you guys have experienced similar issues and how've you dealt?
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Replies

  • Mads1997
    Mads1997 Posts: 1,494 Member
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    You need to do this for yourself. Don't worry about him. You can't make someone get on the bandwagon and you will most likely find that once he starts seeing a change in you he will jump on the bandwagon by himself, if he doesn't then too bad. Do this for yourself no one else.
  • ggsmamma
    ggsmamma Posts: 117 Member
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    Hi. I'm sorry that you don't feel supported. I am looking to get healthy for the same reasons that you are -- I have a six year old daughter and I want her to learn how to live a balanced life full of good food and exercise. I am married to a man who is all muscle and who eats (I kid you not) about 4x what I eat. He has always weighed within 5 pounds of his current weight. Seriously a lot of 22 year old boys would kill for this 53 year old man's body...Therefore, he does not know the first thing about losing weight or how hard it is.

    I am wondering if your guy is in good shape? It bugs me about 100x more when a fat guy makes "you should diet" comments to thier girl.

    My guy is also a splendid cook and bakes 1-2x a week. I wouldn't say that he is unsupportive but he sure isn't about to change his eating patterns. I am just eating tiny amonts of what he eats and then augmenting that with apples and raw spinach salads. He does eat all whole foods (would prob divorce me if I took our daughter to McDonalds) but it is buttery and full of cream,etc.
  • rompers16
    rompers16 Posts: 5,404 Member
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    He probably feels resentful that you're trying to coerce him into changes he's not ready to make. This should only be about you..he'll get there when he's ready, and he may never be. My husband is 300 lbs, eats all the time, won't exercise but I still love him because that's who he was when I married him.
  • 1MariaChristina
    1MariaChristina Posts: 93 Member
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    Madds- thank you for responding! I am definitely in this for me, I don't need his approval-I worry about his health bc he lost his father at an early age due to poor diet and smoking. and I just would really like if we could support each other =/ but i guess I just need to refocus on my reason for this journey.

    Thank you again!
  • dakotababy
    dakotababy Posts: 2,406 Member
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    I don't think my boyfriend would ever make such a comment to me - though, in the past...i believe he used a more passive approach to undermine my efforts. Often, I would mention "Im trying to lose weight" and then I would hear "Lets get mcds for supper". It was instant sabotage. Unintentional or not - this would always lead me back to square one.

    This time around (and i am unsure what is so different) he has actually been really supportive of me, asking questions about my work outs, weight, food etc. I did also mention about the sabotaging last time and I think maybe that made him more aware of it. I have also had to ease his mind though - I know he was probably concerned that i would push my weight loss/nutrition on him. This is not the case - he is not ready mentally and emotionally to lose weight. For this reason, I make him food he enjoys and food I enjoy (Ex - we have chicken breast - he may have mashed potatoes and corn with it. I would have beans and a salad.) :)

    Either way - my point is don't let him stop you. Don't let him get in the way. I would also tell him that the comment was hurtful and unnecessary.
  • 1MariaChristina
    1MariaChristina Posts: 93 Member
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    NO mam he is not in good shape, and smokes-it isn't an issue of being attracted to him in the least I love him how he is I always have I am just afraid for his health-his dad passed at a young age due to poor eating and living habits and smoking
  • Sharon_C
    Sharon_C Posts: 2,132 Member
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    Just quietly go about and do the things you need to do and do it for yourself.

    I have the opposite problem in that my husband is VERY healthy. I didn't tell him I wanted to lose weight because the pressure would be on so I just did what I needed to do and never mentioned it until I started losing enough weight that people could tell.

    It's not up to you to change him. You know you need to lose weight and you finally got to the point where it was time to do something about it. He needs to travel that same path but in his own time and his own way. If my husband would have pressured me to work out or not order something while at a restaurant, it would have made me do the opposite and I would have been angry too.

    Do your thing and let him do his. When he's ready, be there for him.
  • 1MariaChristina
    1MariaChristina Posts: 93 Member
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    thank you DakotaBaby!

    Thank you Sharon C
  • Tabithagulett
    Tabithagulett Posts: 15
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    My support system is great..But i was downing my self because I couldn't wear the stuff..All he said was if your not happy fix it only you can...I was the same as your husband. I didn't want it at the time he was telling me this stuff.. If you want to do it...Do it..But you can't force it on anyone they have to want it...Just like me..Mine is about 165 and 6ft tall bean pole with a six pack...my 5'2 206 a chuck...but he never pushed me to do anything. Just told me if I wanted to lose it I would and he would help. I think if he would have pushed..I wouldn't be down 9 lbs tonight or even sitting here typing on this site. Now that I am on the bandwagon he is doing everything he can to help me with it.. So give it time..It took me a good 5 yrs to jump on..But I am here now..
  • norcal_yogi
    norcal_yogi Posts: 675 Member
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    I am wondering if your guy is in good shape? It bugs me about 100x more when a fat guy makes "you should diet" comments to thier girl.


    Yes....^^. so incredibly self-serving and annoying. ugh.
  • erin4609
    erin4609 Posts: 131 Member
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    Aww I'm sorry! I know how you feel--my family doesn't support me at all. In fact, they make fun of me for being health/weight conscious!

    The way I've dealt with it is just make other friends that are interested in being healthy/weight loss too. I just ignore them when they make comments, or calmly tell them what I think (and later vent about it to my healthy friends). Keep going and don't let anybody stop you! You are the only person who can make yourself feel better, and don't let anybody get in your way :)
  • 1MariaChristina
    1MariaChristina Posts: 93 Member
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    Thank you for your response, he was being really snarky that was really the comment that kinda sent me over the edge but I do understand and agree with your information. thanks a bunch!
  • cmacgray89
    cmacgray89 Posts: 6
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    I so feel your pain I have always been heavier but all my muscle is in my legs from playing soccer for four years (apparently you can play soccer and still be bigger and barely lose weight) My legs have always been bigger especially my calves. Boots are horrible inventions for skinny people along with skinny jeans. Just keep going and when you succeed know it is your success! You can do it.
  • DawnEH612
    DawnEH612 Posts: 574 Member
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    If this is the healthiest relationship youve ever been in, i cant imagine how the other ones were. What i did notice, howver, is that you are tryng to change him instead of focusing on your own weight issues. You mention his not going to the gym or eating healthy... How does that have anything to do with YOUR eating healthy or working out?
    I say do this for you.. Don't worry what hes doing. If he sees you're doing this with or WITHOUT him, MAYBE he'll follow suite.. Maybe he wont. But YOU have to do what you need and want to do for YOU. Don't let him be the excuse youre looking for to hold you back from YOUR stated desire to be healthy.

    Learn the serenity prayer.. Say it over and over and over agan... "(God) Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. "

    In case you dont have the wisdom, yet, let me clue you in... The only thing YOU can change is YOU! ACCEPT that you CANNOT change him, not even the littlest bit... Accept his not going to the gym, accept his not eating healthy, accept his berating you.. You dont have to like it or agree with it.. But if you want him in your life, learn to accept it... If you cant accept then get rid of him!

    Edit: by the way, it sounds like he might be concerned that you will loose weight and as he is out of shape, he may feel intimidated or threatened if you get in shape.. He may also be fearful that you'll leave him if he fails to get in shape and you do.... Perhaps a conversation surrounding this will help.. Such as," i notice that you don't seem supportive of my efforts to get back into shape (list a few examples if you want). It would mean a lot to me if you supported my efforts. Are you aware that i am perceiving you as unsupportive? Is there a reason you might not support or join me in my efforts? I would like you to join me in a healthier lifestyle as i am fearful that you may meet the same early demise as your father, but i am to going to nag you about it or ask yo to make changes if you are not ready to do so. But i am going to tell you what I AM GONG TO CHANGE... i am going to prepare/eat healthier meals, i am not going to buy any "junk" food and bring it into our home (if you live together), I am going to loose "X" amount of pounds, i am going to workout "x" days per week, i am not going to tolerate your belittling me with incidents like the "boot" situation and if you ever again do something that insensitive again i will walk away from you without incident or explanation. Again, i am not asking you to change anything nor am i even asking for your support... What i am going to do is make the changes necessary to have the healthy life i want.. Period.. I hope you can support me but if you cant i am still doing what i need to do. "
  • erin4609
    erin4609 Posts: 131 Member
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    I hate it when guys push their insecurities onto you. I remember my ex-bf suddenly started making comments about my looks. I was like, "ummm just because you feel bad about your looks, doesn't mean that you can make yourself feel better my commenting on mine." Helllllo!

    "Don't walk your dirty feet accross my mind" -Gandhi
  • chio_04
    chio_04 Posts: 48 Member
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    I have the same problems, but with my parents. Diabetes type 2 runs in my mother's side, who is obese, but whenever I would mention losing weight, she would be on the defensive responding it was none of my business and to let her be. When I would gain weight, however, she would be the first person to let me know I looked heftier. My dad has heart problems in his genes, yet he refuses to exercise, and keeps eating A LOT, but he doesn't worry because he is only "overweight." What I did, was to stop my lectures/sermons, and exercise in front of them all the time. I've been doing P90X for three weeks, and my mom now gets on the treadmill much more often, and I convince my dad to take me to the park so "I can jog," but I encourage him to run while pointing out how out of shape he is.

    Just exercise, and he will join you. However, if he doesn't there isn't much you can do; he is grown man, and knows how his decisions will impact his life. Honestly, if the death of his father caused by the same habits he has hasn't motivated him, I doubt you telling him to get healthier will.
  • mamasitaroja
    mamasitaroja Posts: 52 Member
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    Obviously this is something you know you need to and are doing for you......but I understand completely why you would feel hurt/upset with the "that's your own damn fault" comment. Maybe he's missing the 'empathy chip'?

    My husband loves for me to be thin, attractive, dressed nicely, etc., but when I start to make progress too slowly for him, he will compare me to other random hot women he sees. He also is not exactly in shape (and bemoans the fact....but doesn't put down the fork!), but feels free to comment on my weight. I have tried to get him to start living healthier with me, and he comes up with a grocery list of reasons he just can't. Despite his WANTING me to become "one of the hotties", he still finds ways to sabotage me overtly (bringing home pizza, bbq, making comments about my reasonable portions and healthier choices), as well as just stressing me out to the point where I EAT. And EAT. And EAT. I've lost 21 pounds so far. He's started making comments that suggest I'm trying to attract other men, that I don't love him, that I must not be paying enough attention to my other duties to have time to do this, etc.

    My point is watch out for men that want something, but are so insecure that they will try to destroy it to stay in control.

    I changed my profile recently when I realized the times I've been really fat (three pregnancies, but when things were less stressful, that weight and then some all went away again) are the times where things were made harder by the words and behavior of the personI most expected to be cheering me on.

    (PS I have chunky legs, just NOW able to wear a pair of zip-up thigh-high boots.....purchased as my reward to myself, so no one had ANYTHING to say about it! :happy: )

    You will get there.....and it will be all your success! Just consider that if your honey's behavior is the norm for him, how much more fun it might be to get there, and be free to share it with someone supportive and like-minded. Then you're prepared for any eventuality!

    Good luck! :drinker:
  • waistfinder
    waistfinder Posts: 27 Member
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    He knows you as reckless, poor self-esteem and neglectful. It enables him to do the same for himself, perhaps. When one person changes the equation, it can be perceived as a threat. One hurtful comment can either make you pack it in, or it can make your armor stronger, and you more resilient. Go about your journey and get your support here for now. I know it would be nice to be in this together, but I've learned to go forward on my own without alienating my husband too badly. He now makes really nice comments on the changes he sees in my body. I cherish those.

    p.s. If they made enough tall boots to fit every woman's calves, the store would be wall to wall boots. It just doesn't happen.
  • 1MariaChristina
    1MariaChristina Posts: 93 Member
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    Dawn, I appreciate your helpful advice and I respect your opinion-this is the ONLY rough area of our relationship, and to confirm your suspicions my other relationships were rather horrendous, I suppose that because all other areas of my relationship with him are positive maybe this area seems that much harsher to me, thanks again for your input
  • HypersonicFitNess
    HypersonicFitNess Posts: 1,219 Member
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    Yes, what he said was hurtful but don't let him defeat you. This is about you, not him....lose weight, get fit, eat healthy for you...don't encourage him, don't include him, don't talk to him about what you're doing ...JUST DO IT!

    When he sees you are serious and you're losing weight and getting in shape, he may just join you....(or not); my husband finally joined me but it took him 3 or 4 months when he saw that I was really finally serious and I had dropped 3 pant sizes...he realized I wasn't changing and no matter how much junk he brought in the house and offered me...I just said "NO"!!

    You may have to reassess whether he's the right one...but give him a chance to redeem himself.

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