Dating and Overweight....Any Advice is Appreciated.

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readanddance
readanddance Posts: 311 Member
in Motivation and Support
My starting weight was (to me) a staggering 272.6 pounds; I'm 5'11. Two years ago, I was 220. I thought I had gained a few pounds not 52. My goal is approximately 160. So far, I've lost 23.6 pounds.

At 14 pounds lost, I awoke one morning with a sense of empowerment. This was for me. This journey was with my insecurities, my MFP friends, and myself. I realized that I was petrified of being thin. My weight was my identity. My comfort. My enemy. It was also my perfect, constant excuse. It explained why I didn’t travel, why I didn’t date, why I wasn’t married, why I just existed in my life. What my weight didn’t explain away, my eating disorder did. Thinking of being thin meant moving beyond my comfort level. With that realization came the understanding that I frequently sabotaged myself due to fear.

Right now, every day is still a struggle between patience, giving up, and wanting to find the perfect diet pill (which doesn't exist). I find myself feeling better until I get ready to go out on a date. I freak myself out that no one would want to be with a "fat" girl. For those that have found love while being overweight, what mental mindsets did you have to make it possible? How did you start "getting out there"?

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  • Erienneb
    Erienneb Posts: 592 Member
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    Firstly, 272 is not "staggering" at 5'11''. I'm the same height and am only 272 now after losing 35lbs.

    My boyfriend found me when I was about 257lbs. I've always been overweight and have never lacked a date. It's about confidence. Easier said than done, I know, I've also dealt with depression/anxiety and settled with less than I deserved often. It's when I calmed down, stopped dating just to date, and started treating myself a tiny bit better that I met my bf. I gained 50lbs since we started dating and he never stopped loving or being attracted to me because of my confidence. Fake it till you make it.
  • msshiraz
    msshiraz Posts: 327 Member
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    Take yourself out on a date first! Go get a pedicure, or a massage- do things for you that make you feel beautiful. Unless there is someone you are wanting to start dating, don't worry about it, it will happen in the least likely environment. And the more confident you are, the more worth it you feel, the better any dating experience will go. :)
  • myofibril
    myofibril Posts: 4,500 Member
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    For those that have found love while being overweight, what mental mindsets did you have to make it possible?

    The content of your character,your worth, what makes you a good person is not defined by your weight. Ever.

    Whilst physical attraction is important much of it is based on emotional connection and allowing yourself to be open to love.

    If you learn to value yourself whatever your weight you become free from the self imposed prison of fear and truly live.

    If you can internalise the above you will be successful. I think your self awareness is a beautiful thing.
  • weird_me2
    weird_me2 Posts: 716 Member
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    Honestly, if you can't believe that anyone would want to be with you, then you probably aren't going to find what you are looking for.

    I met my now DH when I was 245 at 5'10". I didn't lack for dates prior to meeting him, either. I think so much of it has to do with how you feel about yourself. While I knew I was fat, I also knew I had several wonderful attributes (both physically and mentally) and projected my confidence in myself.

    What I would recommend is working on learning to like and love yourself as you are. Do things for yourself to help you see and believe that you are loveable as you are.

    Finally, fake it till you make it. Don't ever make disparaging comments about yourself to people, don't ever put yourself down to anyone, don't make excuses for yourself, and act like you believe you are hot stuff, even if you don't believe it yet. Sometimes this can help you actually start believing in yourself.
  • mirthfuldragon
    mirthfuldragon Posts: 124 Member
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    I freak myself out that no one would want to be with a "fat" girl. For those that have found love while being overweight, what mental mindsets did you have to make it possible? How did you start "getting out there"?

    My wife and I met on Match.com; I had recently moved to Chicago, had no friends, a reasonable decent job; I was at 296lbs, she was at 330lbs. We met, went out for Chinese, saw a move, and six months later I proposed.

    Be yourself, realize that the physical is only a very small part of the whole, and put yourself out there. That's why I am a huge proponent of online dating - a few basic precautions, and you can really hone in on what you are looking for, and sift out most of the incompatible folks in the pool.
  • readanddance
    readanddance Posts: 311 Member
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    For those that have found love while being overweight, what mental mindsets did you have to make it possible?

    The content of your character,your worth, what makes you a good person is not defined by your weight. Ever.

    Whilst physical attraction is important much of it is based on emotional connection and allowing yourself to be open to love.

    If you learn to value yourself whatever your weight you become free from the self imposed prison of fear and truly live.

    If you can internalise the above you will be successful. I think your self awareness is a beautiful thing.

    Thanks for the complement on the self-awareness.
  • myofibril
    myofibril Posts: 4,500 Member
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    Thanks for the complement on the self-awareness.

    My pleasure.

    It's a great trait to have because if you can't identify what holds you back how can you really seek to address it? It's a positive thing in my book ;)
  • ebailey710
    ebailey710 Posts: 271 Member
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    Love is not limited to physical looks or fitness. My husband and I have been together for 5 years, married for 1, and we started dating when I was 220. I'm 270 now, and working towards a healthier weight for ME. I gained 50 pounds in one year, so I know exactly how that feels. I agree with the posters about treating yourself and doing things to build confidence and self-awareness. Anyone, no matter what size or shape, has to love themselves first.
  • clytemnestra
    clytemnestra Posts: 4 Member
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    I'm mirthfuldragon's wife, and like he said, we met on Match.com. I have to say, I completely empathize with what you are feeling. I put off signing up for months because I literally feared that not a single man would even look at my profile. In a day, I had a wink, then an e-mail. It's a strange thing, but the biggest surprise was the confidence the entire experience gave me. I realized that being overweight didn't make me undesirable or unattractive. To some men, yes, but I wouldn't want to go out with men who thought that way in the first place. I went on a few dates before I met my husband. And yes, not all were great, but it helped me get over so many hang ups I had with myself. Even if I hadn't met my husband, the entire experience would have been worth it for the confidence it gave me.

    Now, I'm not saying you have to run out and join an online dating site (though, obviously, I am a fan), but actually going out, meeting guys, and letting them appreciate you can go a long way to helping you overcome your fears. I know, it sounds like I'm telling you to get over a fear of water by jumping in the deep end of the pool. And yes, any time you put yourself out there it is a little scary.

    It took a long time to realize this, but when it came to dating, I found being fat to be a bit of a blessing, because it instantly weeds out a majority of the shallow losers. Any man who wanted to date me wanted to date ME, not just the wrapping I came in. Remember, when you are out on a date, he already wants to be there. He's not going anywhere because of your weight.

    Good luck. :)

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