Feel like I have no friends

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Leeeeelith
Leeeeelith Posts: 11
in Chit-Chat
It's not theoretically true, I have some long term friends who live too far away for it to be practical to visit on short notice, and a handful of cool people who I know in the city where I live. But they too invariably live a good drive away, and work, or are going to bed by the time I feel like being sociable (usually around 9PM when I've done all my work).

If I invite these cool people out for coffee, or anyone really, they'll usually come, but neither they, nor the friends who live a looooong way away ever initiate contact, or seek me out. I don't have anyone I can spontaneously visit, I certainly don't have anyone who'll spontaneously visit me.

Don't know how to change this, feel so lonely.
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Replies

  • kme2011
    kme2011 Posts: 100 Member
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    friends come and go throughout life. I've had to learn that the hard way myself. I don't have very many friends anymore either. I've come to realize that it is less drama i have to put up with. lol Keep your head up and soon you will find those "true friends". good luck!
  • gatorginger
    gatorginger Posts: 947 Member
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    You only need 1 or 2 really good friends. Maybe you should reach out to some new friends until you find one that is more like you :}
  • kel665
    kel665 Posts: 401 Member
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    I think people get busy in their own lives and just don't think about it but welcome being asked out for a coffee themselves. Keep asking them, they obviously want to be with you if they take the time to come and meet you.

    How about joining some sort of classes or gym or something close to you? Then you'll get to meet some people that live closer.

    As you and your friends get older, everyone finds partners and start on their new lives, it's not that they don't want to stay friends with you, they just have more to think about, jobs, houses, partners, their families and they also have their partners families if they are partnered. Keep making the effort to stay in contact with your friends :)
  • Leeeeelith
    Leeeeelith Posts: 11
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    I don't know how to get from meeting for coffee to genuine friendship though.....it just doesn't happen.

    I wonder if most people make their friends by accident. Like, I made friends in high school, we had things in common and we hung out every day give or take for 5 years. Maybe people make new friends like this at work? Or doing club type things?

    My work (free lance sound tech) doesn't seem to facilitate this kind of bonding, nor my interests (playing music - 3 bands over the years and no friends to show for that).

    I know about the one hand thing, I'd be happy with 1.

    Edit: Good insight Kel. :-)
  • gatorginger
    gatorginger Posts: 947 Member
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    Well when you do go for coffee or wherever you go one way to make a great friend is to be a good listener, ask them questions about themselves as to what do they like to do on their free time. Maybe you could volunteer somewhere doing something you enjoy that will bring you around more people who have something in common with you
  • dad106
    dad106 Posts: 4,868 Member
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    Join meetup.com

    They have all different types of groups based on your interest... and you can easily find people you click with and can do things with.

    Most of my friends from college and what not live at least an hour away from me... and to drive that far at night to drink or do w/e is ridiculous. So I joined meet up in hopes of finding new friends.. and I have found a few. I've even found a few dates through it!
  • FitBeto
    FitBeto Posts: 2,121 Member
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    fat-batman-meme-generator-i-feel-your-pain-just-eat-your-feelings-e84e61.jpg
  • Dauntlessness
    Dauntlessness Posts: 1,489 Member
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    First thing, fill out your profile... A blank profile sets an impression that you haven't committed to MFP and your journey.

    I have no problem making friends but I have a problem keeping them. Not because we don't like each other but because of me. I tend to like my routine and people stopping over unannounced or spur of the moment and calling me all the time annoys me. haha. I don't like change. I mean, I have been obsessed with this "girls night in party" I was invited to next weekend and I am dreading it but I know once I go, I know Ill have a blast!

    So, I talked to someone about this actually because I kept hurting peoples feelings. I think a lot of people are the same way I am. Life is busy and its hard to fit more people into your life sometimes.
    What she told me is the best way to have friends is with specific parts of your life and don't let them cross over to other parts unless they become really close.
    Basically, have a few friends that you talk to at the gym, have a few friends that you go kayaking with, join a group and have a few friends that you talk to there. I guess that's what most people do.That way both of you don't feel pressured and you have a distraction and something to talk about while you hang out.

    Also, Go up to people and talk to them. You'd be suprised how receptive people are. 99% of the people out there are nice about it. Plus you will be able to tell if you "gel". If not, move on and call them an acquaintance. :)
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
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    It's not theoretically true, I have some long term friends who live too far away for it to be practical to visit on short notice, and a handful of cool people who I know in the city where I live. But they too invariably live a good drive away, and work, or are going to bed by the time I feel like being sociable (usually around 9PM when I've done all my work).

    If I invite these cool people out for coffee, or anyone really, they'll usually come, but neither they, nor the friends who live a looooong way away ever initiate contact, or seek me out. I don't have anyone I can spontaneously visit, I certainly don't have anyone who'll spontaneously visit me.

    Don't know how to change this, feel so lonely.

    www.meetup.com
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
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    First thing, fill out your profile... A blank profile sets an impression that you haven't committed to MFP and your journey.

    It's helpful to read a post before responding to it. :smile:
    I don't know how to get from meeting for coffee to genuine friendship though.....it just doesn't happen.

    Call and make plans. Host a potluck at your house for all the people you've met for coffee or whatever. A lot of people (me included) get caught up in their own lives and don't think about it. Be proactive. People will respond.
  • gwenmf
    gwenmf Posts: 888 Member
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    It's not theoretically true, I have some long term friends who live too far away for it to be practical to visit on short notice, and a handful of cool people who I know in the city where I live. But they too invariably live a good drive away, and work, or are going to bed by the time I feel like being sociable (usually around 9PM when I've done all my work).

    If I invite these cool people out for coffee, or anyone really, they'll usually come, but neither they, nor the friends who live a looooong way away ever initiate contact, or seek me out. I don't have anyone I can spontaneously visit, I certainly don't have anyone who'll spontaneously visit me.

    Don't know how to change this, feel so lonely.

    I know exactly how you feel. I'm in exactly the same boat. And honestly, I get tired of being the social director!! I would love to have friends who spontaneously pop over....but it doesn't happen. My best friend lives 2 states away.

    I joined Parents without Partners - that's helped me get out a bit more - but still no pop in friends. Everyone lives a ways away - or the ones closer to me don't really attend any events. I haven't researched Meet Up.......maybe I will. It's tough to meet like minded people that you can form a friendship with. The easiest times were when my kids were little and got to know the neighbors......
  • 31993703
    31993703 Posts: 1,144
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    Hi, I'm Eric. BFFs? :flowerforyou:
  • recee96
    recee96 Posts: 224 Member
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    Join meetup.com

    Yep...I agree. When I first moved to a new city, I found a lot of good acquaintances (friends) through this website and finding a good church. I think it also depends on your personality. Do you have an outgoing personality? Not saying you need one...but people generally like to be around positive people. So no Debbie Downers...and you can't find friends. Just do you...enjoy life and go out and meet people!
  • recee96
    recee96 Posts: 224 Member
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    fat-batman-meme-generator-i-feel-your-pain-just-eat-your-feelings-e84e61.jpg

    Hahahaha! Hilarious!
  • Dauntlessness
    Dauntlessness Posts: 1,489 Member
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    First thing, fill out your profile... A blank profile sets an impression that you haven't committed to MFP and your journey.

    It's helpful to read a post before responding to it. :smile:
    I don't know how to get from meeting for coffee to genuine friendship though.....it just doesn't happen.

    Call and make plans. Host a potluck at your house for all the people you've met for coffee or whatever. A lot of people (me included) get caught up in their own lives and don't think about it. Be proactive. People will respond.
    [/quote]

    I have no idea why you quoted...
    \
    First thing, fill out your profile... A blank profile sets an impression that you haven't committed to MFP and your journey.

    because that was a side note and had nothing to do with this post. I just wanted to put it out there.. :smile: Do you see how it was separate from the whole subject? See how I didn't mention anything about making MFP friends but real life ones and my real life experiences? Maybe you need to re-read my post. because you clearly didn't make the distinction that they were different. :wink:
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
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    because that was a side note and had nothing to do with this post. I just wanted to put it out there.. :smile: Do you see how it was separate from the whole subject? See how I didn't mention anything about making MFP friends but real life ones and my real life experiences? Maybe you need to re-read my post. because you clearly didn't make the distinction that they were different. :wink:

    It was rude and unnecessary and nothing to do with the post to which you were responding. But whatever.
  • runboostie
    runboostie Posts: 51 Member
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    Hmmmm......

    Do you have any interests that could get you out among people? Bollywood dancing? Mixed Martial arts? Creative ceramic tiling? Tatting? Sorting food for the food bank? Photography? Contemporary Christian Martyrdom? Learning to speak Tagalog, or to cook excellent samosas? Beer making? Artisanal joint rolling? Parkour? Toastmasters?

    Just a thought. Loneliness is such a drain.
  • sunsnstatheart
    sunsnstatheart Posts: 2,544 Member
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    Hmmmm......

    Do you have any interests that could get you out among people? Bollywood dancing? Mixed Martial arts? Creative ceramic tiling? Tatting? Sorting food for the food bank? Photography? Contemporary Christian Martyrdom? Learning to speak Tagalog, or to cook excellent samosas? Beer making? Artisanal joint rolling? Parkour? Toastmasters?

    Just a thought. Loneliness is such a drain.

    My hobbies suddenly seem so mundane . . .

    OP - seriously, just get out there and meet people. Logging on to MFP can help but staying indoors all day can also be a big bummer.
  • meredith1123
    meredith1123 Posts: 843 Member
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    Don't know how to change this, feel so lonely.
    My mom has always said if you have one REAL friend, consider yourself lucky. Most people come and go and dont think of us like we think of them but the ones you do find that think of you often, keep around! Youre right - i think the basic amount of us all feel the same way you do.
    I have realized who my REAL friends are and trust me - there's only one or two that make as MUCH of an effort as I do. So dont feel lonely or alone. You are here with everyone else who mostly feels the same way. I think it is all about connection. Its hard to find that connection you want with people. Most of us dont connect with many others as we'd like to.
  • Dauntlessness
    Dauntlessness Posts: 1,489 Member
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    Actually I think what you did was rude and unnecessary for you to respond to me like that. Looking at how many posts you have made in the past I am guessing you have nothing better to do then sit there at your computer and give your opinion on everything...I'm not saying its a bad thing to support people, great! The thing is, I also think you shouldn't start making snide remarks without thinking someone will respond back and let you know how things really are. There was a clear difference between the 2 subjects and its kinda funny because you told me to "read the post" when you clearly didn't read my post before you responded.

    I went to her profile to see if there was anything I could learn about her to try to help more. Sorry for taking a special interest to try to help. If a profile is blank then it makes it that much harder. If someone cant take 5-10 minutes to write a a few lines about themselves then why would I ever think they would commit to supporting others on here? I dont know if they are a troll or someone trying to sell products...a felon...haha. I want to know there is a real life person behind that screen. I think its very important on a site like this so If I came off blunt about it , so be it. At least I am honest.

    By the way..I looked at your profile. It says something like this:

    PLEASE INCLUDE A MESSAGE WITH ALL FRIEND REQUESTS. ALL REQUESTS WITHOUT A MESSAGE WILL BE DENIED, SINCE THAT CLEARLY MEANS YOU DID NOT READ MY PROFILE AND ARE JUST COLLECTING FRIENDS. I DON'T WANT TO BE COLLECTED. IF WE INTERACTED ON THE MESSAGE BOARDS, AN EXCEPTION MAY BE MADE.

    hahaha. So you want to know something about them before youd friend them? Really? Isn't that exactly what I wanted to?

    Pot. Kettle. Black.

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