Toxic Friends....How have you handled them?
Will_Thrust_For_Candy
Posts: 6,109 Member
in Chit-Chat
Good afternoon all!
I'm currently faced with a very difficult situation and was hoping that I could get some random, completely unbiased advice
I have a very tumultuous relationship with a friend who has been in my life for many years. When things are good, they are great. However I feel that the stress, hurt, and work that this relationship is starting to take is really not making it a win-win relationship.
For example....she has been very unhappy with her body for years and has tried to lose weight with no success. In turn, she is very envious of my success (65lbs and 33 inches lost since September 2011); to the point that she has made back handed comments directly to me and has not supported me in my new lifestyle.
She is in a very unhappy marriage, a fact which she does not hide. I am single. She makes me feel guilty, or bad, if I'm in a relationship or dating someone. She recently told me that she doesn't want to be "the only single one" if she ends up separating from her husband. I have been the only single one in my group of friends for many years now.
These examples are just recent incidents and there are more but you get the idea....I could go back for about 3 years and give examples of these same types of situations. I feel like I'm in high school and it's really ridiculous....I'm 34 years old!
My question is this....have any of you ever had a similar situation where a friendship was just starting to wear you out and if so, how did you handle it?
I'm currently faced with a very difficult situation and was hoping that I could get some random, completely unbiased advice
I have a very tumultuous relationship with a friend who has been in my life for many years. When things are good, they are great. However I feel that the stress, hurt, and work that this relationship is starting to take is really not making it a win-win relationship.
For example....she has been very unhappy with her body for years and has tried to lose weight with no success. In turn, she is very envious of my success (65lbs and 33 inches lost since September 2011); to the point that she has made back handed comments directly to me and has not supported me in my new lifestyle.
She is in a very unhappy marriage, a fact which she does not hide. I am single. She makes me feel guilty, or bad, if I'm in a relationship or dating someone. She recently told me that she doesn't want to be "the only single one" if she ends up separating from her husband. I have been the only single one in my group of friends for many years now.
These examples are just recent incidents and there are more but you get the idea....I could go back for about 3 years and give examples of these same types of situations. I feel like I'm in high school and it's really ridiculous....I'm 34 years old!
My question is this....have any of you ever had a similar situation where a friendship was just starting to wear you out and if so, how did you handle it?
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Replies
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I don't let just anybody into my life. So once you are in my life you are for good.
I have a friend going through a rough time. And you know how that goes. She's not always there.
BUT if I was going through a hard time, I'd hate my friend to just leave me in the dust.
Have a heart to heart with her. Explain to her she needs to take control of her life and the things she isn't happy about. She's plain miserable and projecting onto you.0 -
Yes, and I stayed in it waaaay longer than I should have. I asked for change several times, pleaded for her to get counseling. The drama was so bad I finally just had to break up. It's been difficult, after 20 years of friendship, but it is for the best. I am so glad to have cut myself out of the complaining cycle.
Maybe take some time away and see how you feel.0 -
^Bingo.I don't let just anybody into my life. So once you are in my life you are for good.
I have a friend going through a rough time. And you know how that goes. She's not always there.
BUT if I was going through a hard time, I'd hate my friend to just leave me in the dust.
Have a heart to heart with her. Explain to her she needs to take control of her life and the things she isn't happy about. She's plain miserable and projecting onto you.
If she doesn't get the picture and change her ways after said conversation, it's time to end the friendship once and for all.
I have no time for such people. My friends are my friends, not people who go around belittling me or my lifestyle.0 -
^Bingo.I don't let just anybody into my life. So once you are in my life you are for good.
I have a friend going through a rough time. And you know how that goes. She's not always there.
BUT if I was going through a hard time, I'd hate my friend to just leave me in the dust.
Have a heart to heart with her. Explain to her she needs to take control of her life and the things she isn't happy about. She's plain miserable and projecting onto you.
If she doesn't get the picture and change her ways after said conversation, it's time to end the friendship once and for all.
I have no time for such people. My friends are my friends, not people who go around belittling me or my lifestyle.
I second this wholeheartedly.0 -
As part of your new lifestyle, eating better, exercising and being concisous of yourself, these are all choices you have made to improve your life. The next step is to considering removing people and things that are also negative and only provide a negative impact to you.
You just have to decide to remove yourself from as much negative stuff as possible. Including people. You have already made these choices with so many other aspects of your new life.
Good luck with this problem....0 -
^Bingo.I don't let just anybody into my life. So once you are in my life you are for good.
I have a friend going through a rough time. And you know how that goes. She's not always there.
BUT if I was going through a hard time, I'd hate my friend to just leave me in the dust.
Have a heart to heart with her. Explain to her she needs to take control of her life and the things she isn't happy about. She's plain miserable and projecting onto you.
If she doesn't get the picture and change her ways after said conversation, it's time to end the friendship once and for all.
I have no time for such people. My friends are my friends, not people who go around belittling me or my lifestyle.
I second this wholeheartedly.
Thank you so much for your advice!
actually have had discussions in the past about other issues that have come up (basically she gets upset when my life doesn't revolve around her, since I'm the token "single" girl, with nothing in my life except my daughter) and it has helped short term. I have supported her 100% through her rough times, to the point that I can't help her anymore since she is not willing to help herself. She is so miserable and it's just such a downer!0 -
As part of your new lifestyle, eating better, exercising and being concisous of yourself, these are all choices you have made to improve your life. The next step is to considering removing people and things that are also negative and only provide a negative impact to you.
You just have to decide to remove yourself from as much negative stuff as possible. Including people. You have already made these choices with so many other aspects of your new life.
Good luck with this problem....
Thank you for your advice....this is the way my though process is heading as well 0 -
It's very difficult when they're going through a rough time like that. She just has to find a way to pull herself out. And I actually did lose a friend once, because she couldn't take the truth or tough love. I miss her, and worry about her everyday. But she was in every way shape and form toxic. You are changing your life and making it more positive, hopefully a talk will bring her around.
^Bingo.I don't let just anybody into my life. So once you are in my life you are for good.
I have a friend going through a rough time. And you know how that goes. She's not always there.
BUT if I was going through a hard time, I'd hate my friend to just leave me in the dust.
Have a heart to heart with her. Explain to her she needs to take control of her life and the things she isn't happy about. She's plain miserable and projecting onto you.
If she doesn't get the picture and change her ways after said conversation, it's time to end the friendship once and for all.
I have no time for such people. My friends are my friends, not people who go around belittling me or my lifestyle.
I second this wholeheartedly.
Thank you so much for your advice!
actually have had discussions in the past about other issues that have come up (basically she gets upset when my life doesn't revolve around her, since I'm the token "single" girl, with nothing in my life except my daughter) and it has helped short term. I have supported her 100% through her rough times, to the point that I can't help her anymore since she is not willing to help herself. She is so miserable and it's just such a downer!0 -
I wouldn't call that a friendship personally.0
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I put my toxic friends on a cleanse. Dr Oz says it helps. At the end of the cleanse, they're a lot less full of *kitten*.0
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Gt ride of them. I had that and tried to stay friends with them but its not worth it. They are like a cancer and see your happiness as a direct attack on them. They are a black hole and you need to get ride of them. You canny help someone who does not want help.
A good test is to make a tiny comment on the persons actions for me i called them a coward and the next day they started trying to fight everyone at a party.
You are part of her negative pattern and when you try to break that you will get passive aggressive insults to bring you down.0 -
I don't know if you have done this yet, but sit her down and have a very deep discussion about how you feel about things. Just make sure to tell her that you recognize that she is going through a lot of things, and that you can be there but not at the expense of your own feelings. Offer her to get help with support, whether it be through groups, other friends, relatives, etc....
If she isn't willing to change, then honestly it may be a situation where you may have to deliver an ultimatum. If she is your friend, and values this friendship, she will try to change. If she is so deep into her negative emotions that she can't essentially escape from them, then you'll need to make a hard decision on what you'll need to do next.
I have co-dependency, I was very driven toward toxic friends. When I came to realize my issues, I told the friends I knew were willing to change, and the other friends I've limited my time with them (well actually once they sensed that I was no longer as "pliable" to their demands, they did that well enough on their own...). The friends that were willing to change did so after I asserted myself more...and I still call them friends...the others that weren't...aren't really friends...
Edit: holy late response to other replies lol...0 -
It depends on the friend for me but I am generally a very forgiving person. It takes a lot for me to give up on a friendship. Recently I let a friend come back into my life after years of not talking because she had treated me badly. Within weeks she had went right back to her old behaviors and tried to start drama. I'm definitely keeping her at a distance from now on. I would say just leave her alone for a few weeks or months and if she misses you enough she will be nicer to you. If not then she wasn't worth it. Seems to me like she is just jealous. Have you tried encouraging her to join you while working out or shared some knowledge with her about eating right and what not? I tell all my friends to join this site so we can support each other.0
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I basically just completely pushed my one friend out of my life..
Now I am happy as can be 0 -
Thank you again for all of your wonderful replies....all very valid and completely in line with what I have been thinking.
My problem is that I am a people pleaser. I get so anxious and upset if I think that someone is upset with me....even if I know that I haven't done anything wrong. I have most definitely supported her....for years upon years in regards to her marriage and I have tried to give her advice in regards to her weight loss efforts but she won't have it. I have told her that I think counseling will help and I have told her that she is miserable and that I can't stand to see her like that....that she doesn't deserve it.
In return I get bitter comments, jealousy, and a lack of empathy for everything that I go through (one of those walk a mile in my shoes type of things....single mom with a less than savory character for an ex). Plus being a 34 year old single mom trying to date (for any of you that are single and normal you will feel my pain lol).
I have made so many great changes in the past year and I love my new life and my new outlook on life. Maybe it's just time to find some new friends that share my new interests.
I think that her and I will always be in each others lives....maybe it's just the dynamic that has to change.0 -
well. Is she a real "friend" to you? I mean, you know, all the "being there when you need her stuff"?
If not, she needs to go, no explanation needed.
If you guys have battled together, then you need a heart to heart, a come to jesus type talk.
I had to do this before, once. We ultimately ended the formal friendship and really no longer speak, but I think it is better that way. It didn't end badly, we just went our separate ways and don't bother reaching out. The drama is gone, that is for sure!0 -
I basically just completely pushed my one friend out of my life..
Now I am happy as can be
How did you do it? Did you have a conversation about it or did you just distance yourself to the point that you stopped talking?0 -
I basically just completely pushed my one friend out of my life..
Now I am happy as can be
^ this.
unhappy, miserable people are only happy when they can spread their misery to others.
talk to them. tell them they need to change. give them a month. if they don't, delete their phone number and e-mail address and cut off all contact. it's really the only way for them to get the message that you are serious.0 -
I basically just completely pushed my one friend out of my life..
Now I am happy as can be
How did you do it? Did you have a conversation about it or did you just distance yourself to the point that you stopped talking?
Just distanced myself.... I ignored her calls, texts and deleted her on fb.
It got to the point of realizing for me that she basically tried to make me hate myself all the time.... Including the weight loss department.0 -
I've gotten better, actual friends.0
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well. Is she a real "friend" to you? I mean, you know, all the "being there when you need her stuff"?
If not, she needs to go, no explanation needed.
If you guys have battled together, then you need a heart to heart, a come to jesus type talk.
I had to do this before, once. We ultimately ended the formal friendship and really no longer speak, but I think it is better that way. It didn't end badly, we just went our separate ways and don't bother reaching out. The drama is gone, that is for sure!
If I need something, she is there for me. If I want to hang out and watch a movie or do something with the kids, she will. She is generous in terms of inviting me camping with her family and such. She is not supportive or relatable in any way when I am going through something. She is not empathetic about some of the situations I have battled through. So in some ways she is a friend, but probably in the most important ways, she isn't.0 -
I had a toxic friend once. She was my best friend for half my life, but everything always revolved around her. I spent all my energy trying to maintain our relationship, but if I ever wanted to reach out to her, it was tough luck. What happened? We're not friends anymore. I wouldn't keep putting myself through that. I deserved to have a friendship with someone who actually wanted to be my friend too, and you deserve to have a friend who loves you for who you are. (Sounds like everything is about her, too, btw.) I have not made any close friends since then, but I'd rather have no friends at all than a "friend" like that.0
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As part of your new lifestyle, eating better, exercising and being concisous of yourself, these are all choices you have made to improve your life. The next step is to considering removing people and things that are also negative and only provide a negative impact to you.
You just have to decide to remove yourself from as much negative stuff as possible. Including people. You have already made these choices with so many other aspects of your new life.
Good luck with this problem....
I totally agree - - -and i know how terribly difficult it is to actually do this. It feels like you are being a bad friend - - BUT think about it this way, she does not appear to be a very good friend to you now....and you deserve better.0 -
Real friends build you up, they don't tear you down. They are they for the stormy, hurricane days and the sun shining days. They want the best for you in all things and celebrate your victories while sympathizing in your defeats.
Anyone who cannot do this for me, as I do for them, is not a friend. I don't keep toxic people in my life any longer. It kills you slowly. I want to live.
Try talking to her directly at least one more time. Explain how you feel, using I statements, and not you statements. (I feel as if this friendship is faltering, rather than You don't support me anymore) After that, you have to use your own judgement and decide if you want to keep the toxicity in your life. Is her friendship worth the pain and heartache it causes you? Only you know the answer.0 -
Try turning the situation around, not in a snarky, sarcastic way...but in a way where you get her to see herself thru your eyes. Start off talking about how you are not such a great friend in some areas and give the some examples of how you yourself can be a bummer to be around (perhaps to your mother, husband, children or someone you personally know where you get under their skin).
Again, not in a condescending nor patronizing way, but in humility and truth.
THEN, ask her how she would handle the situation you're going thru with her...you can either let her know specifics, where she will know that you are talking about her, or be vague, still giving her specific examples of her behavior. Ask her her advice on how she would handle the relationship. Then come out and let her know this is how you feel about her and it's wearing you out and breaking your heart/spirit and you need her help, because you love her...but you also love yourself and it's getting to the point where you are dreading her friendship and the reason you are telling her this, because you're desperate for change...either for the better or worse.
I guarantee you, if she loves you...she will humble herself and repent. If not, she will get upset and will leave you all the way alone...either way will be a win-win situation for you.
Everyone is different, but this is what I would do and have done in such situations in my life when yucky stuff such as this has happened with friends, relatives et. al.
Hope this helps a wee bit!0 -
Been there and sometimes its hard but it was best for me to cut ties with her. She was the type of person that expected you to drop everything you were doing and fall in line with whatever she was doing or whatever she said. The straw that finally broke the camels back a few years ago was when a stupid rumor ( live in a small area so everyone knows everyone) was started one of those he said she said things and after everything we had been through since 6th grade she still chose to believe the rumor and the ppl telling her the lies over me ( she had only known these group of girls for a short time like 3 years maybe ( short considering our histroy)) Anyway when she texted me ( not called but texted ) to not ask me about it but demanded to know what I was saying blah blah I chose to respond with a simple text that was something like this : if you dont know me enough by know and everything we have been through to know I wouldnt say/do that then I guess we were never really friends. and something else about her being nothing but drama lol hope this helps0
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Thank you again so much for all of the replies....hearing from everyone has really helped me to start to believe that I'm on the right track in terms of how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking of doing.
I have tried to extend the olive branch a few times over the last few weeks, to no avail......getting very little response from her. I think that I am going to let things be for awhile. I can't go on being the only one to make all of the effort. From there I will see where the chips fall.0 -
Thank you again so much for all of the replies....hearing from everyone has really helped me to start to believe that I'm on the right track in terms of how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking of doing.
I have tried to extend the olive branch a few times over the last few weeks, to no avail......getting very little response from her. I think that I am going to let things be for awhile. I can't go on being the only one to make all of the effort. From there I will see where the chips fall.
There is your answer. If you've been trying to reach out to her and she is ignoring you, then stop reaching out. Done. I have had toxic friends in the past...not anymore. I have only a few friends amid many acquaintances, and that's just fine by me. I have found that my immediate family members are the only people I can really rely on anyway.0
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