Settling vs. Accepting

Song, that was a riddle within a riddle within a conundrum. I've been on your friend list for a minute, so I kind of know where you are coming from.

Depends on what it is that's bothering you. The person leaves the toilet seat up, or won't get a job? Totally different answers there.

With that said, I've left some relationships quickly and some after years of agony, and I'm single. So my advice is worth what you pay for it. :laugh:

LOL I know! This is the weird stuff my brain does when I have free time.

It's sort of an all-encompassing 'meh' sort of thing. I can accept not having money...I don't always have money, times are hard, internships don't pay much but they're an excellent investment. Toilet seats, dishes, housecleaning, none of that bothers me. Me being the only one who does any of the traveling...well, that's something of a necessity, so it only bothers me a teeny bit. But when I do make the trip multiple times a week, just falling asleep an hour after I get there, that bothers me. Acting like it's such a chore to give me a call in the evening or send a text message when we don't see each other during the week, that bothers me. Going on and on and on about your day without ever asking about mine, that bothers me. Only wanting sex twice a week, that straight up bums me out.

Those are some BIG things, sister!! In my opinion, if the list of things that bothers you is that long, I don't think it's worth it. It shouldn't be a chore to talk to you, make time for you, or have sex with you! Those are the best parts of a relationship. Ending things is always hard, but after a couple weeks or months, you'll feel so much better. I did a crazy amount of over-analyzing in my last relationship and it really brought me down. I ended it and I am so, so much happier. You deserve to feel great at least 90% of the time!

I think everyone should have a list of non negotiable. What I mean by that is traits or attributes in a partner that is of the upmost importance and without those traits it would be hard to continue a relationship. Then everything beyond that is just minor annoyances.

dont accept any thing less then your non negotiables and settle for the rest

For me she had to be hard working, want children, similar values/morals, etc. all the other stuff really doesn’t matter.

Yea, I don't have many of those and he does meet them. Self-sufficient, stable, educated, doesn't want kids, not religious. He's just a bit laissez-faire (sp?) when I'm not around. Really weird. It's like I have no boyfriend unless I am in his physical vicinity.

it sounds like you should add some items to your non negotiable list. From reading your post it seams like you need to feel like you are central in his life and right now he is not demonstrating it. That should be a non negotiable.

A lot of times I feel like I am just settling but at my age (58), I'm not sure there's much I can do about it. Well, intellectually I know I can, but it's easier for me at this point in my life to settle.

If I was younger and looking at a long life ahead of me, I would make some changes. Sometimes I feel like I am just being taken advantage of and always last on the totem pole for anything.

Heck, so there is no way I can tell you what you should be doing. I'm doing crap with myself.

I have a hard time discerning between these two in a relationship. What am I accepting and what am I just settling for?

I could say that I accept what truly can't be changed, and if something can be changed but I don't do anything about it, that's settling. But that's really an over-simplification. Sure, people can change, but I wouldn't try to change another person. The only effective change I can make is to myself--so maybe I could change my perspective. That brings me back to the beginning where I wonder whether changing my perspective of a non-ideal situation leads me to settling for it, because I haven't tried to change it. The long and short of it is that I'm trying to be satisfied with less than I feel I deserve, but I am trying to change my mind about how appropriate it is to feel entitled to deserve something.

So, yea. Thoughts?

When you settle, you allow room for resentment to creep in.

When you accept, you do it because you processed and came to an understanding.

Accepting, IMO, is more powerful than settling.

If you settle for less than you deserve...

you'll get less than you settled for.