Lack of support :(

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amurphy198
amurphy198 Posts: 45
in Motivation and Support
About 9 months ago, my family moved to be closer to my sister and parents. My mother has Alzheimer's, and I wanted my children out of the city with room to explore and play. Other than my family, I have no other relationships here. My weight makes me very antisocial and insecure to go out. When I do, I am chasing a 2 year old, holding a 9 month old, and keeping my eye on a very mischevious 9 year old....which I feel draws attention to me and my fatness.
A number of moments brought me to this point. I want friends, play dates, mommy groups. I want to take my children out on adventures, instead of staying at home. Its not their fault Mommy let herself go. They suffer from my fear and insecurities though.
I have had a number of false starts the past 6 months with dieting. I would get super pumped and tell my family how this time, it would be different. This time I would lose the weight. Now, I have come to them again with this choice to make a lifestyle change. Its not a diet. Its a life improvement. I guess I cried wolf too many times. I get some half hearted "good for yous", and that's about it. I don't blame them. The thing is, I don't have friends to fall back on really. I don't have anyone to push me, except for a handful of strangers on MFP. It's so difficult. I sit in my home, terrified of social situations. Terrified of the gym. How do I stay motivated? How can I stay on track, when everyone around me is pretty indifferent? Does anyone feel this way? Did you get through it? What kept you going if your weight loss journey was a lonely one??
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Replies

  • carly_am
    carly_am Posts: 145 Member
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    Hi

    Firstly welcome :) I'm not sure I can help you too much, but I just wanted to say good luck, and that you CAN do this. I have mfp community saved as a web app on my phone so the minute I feel down about it I log on and see all the trackers and how well everyone is doing - it shows it IS possible - that helps me.

    Maybe keep a list of all the reasons you want to lose weight, plus a picture somewhere you can remind yourself why you're doing this. Also look in your local area for walking groups - this way you can make friends and get some exercise. Maybe your family could watch your kids for an hour a couple times a week so you can do some exercise?

    Finally, with mfp I think it's so important to log everything!!! Even when you eat like 5000cals. Acknowledging what you eat and what it is made up of is the first step to making informed choices about the foods you eat. This is not an instant change, it is a long (and sometimes damn tough) process.

    Just keep your eye on the prize :)
  • Mac_X
    Mac_X Posts: 110 Member
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    First off, based on everything I've seen you post, etc., you have an excellent personality. In that alone, you should feel less insecure about social situations. Despite how cruel the world seems, most people would rather hang around a person with good personality and conversation than one who is empty inside but is "skinny." I'm not a looker; I'm fat, my face is hideous, and nine times out of ten I'm the worst looking person in a group of people. But every single person I am hanging out with knows that without fail, I will have their back, I will encourage, and that I mean what I say. They respect that, and I believe if you go into social situations looking to be that friend, looking to give of yourself freely, you will find many people who want to give back in the same way, with no regards for your weight. Now, this is just my experience, but it is exactly what has happened over the last 10 years.

    It's hard with no support from your family, yes, but not impossible. And as long as its not impossible, you WILL accomplish your goals, even if it is just us strangers from MFP keeping you going. Don't be intimidated by people, don't be intimidated by the gym. We all want to see you succeed and if you check out the threads, you will see many people who have battled through the same situations and won, and now both look and feel amazing...but more importantly, share their victories with the community so people like you and me know that we, too, can succeed.
  • amurphy198
    amurphy198 Posts: 45
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    Thanks for the encouraging words.
    It is frustrating, because I do know I can do it. I don't know how to explain it exactly....but 4 days ago, something clicked. I looked in the mirror, and instead of wanting to cry, I wanted to scream. I've gotten angry about what I have done to my body. Until a few years ago, I was fit. Getting angry is the difference this time. It has put a fire in me, a drive. But, its a battle. Fat scared me wants to give up.
  • lovechicagobears
    lovechicagobears Posts: 289 Member
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    Check into your local day cares to see if they have any play groups or mommy groups that meet on occasion. I'm sure you aren't the only mother who's overweight, so please don't worry about that. I bet you'll find other moms who are trying to lose weight, so it would be a win-win. The kids would make friends, and you'd have some weight loss buddies.

    Also, you don't have to join a gym. You could do DVDs at home while the little ones are napping. You could also put them in the stroller and go for a walk. Your nine-year old could walk along or ride his bike, which would help get rid of some of that energy. :) One of my favorite childhood memories is when my dad would take us for long bike rides.

    Are you part of a church? Maybe they have a program for toddlers you could sign up for and meet other mothers that way. Check on things like the YMCA and Girls/Boys Clubs too. My mom used to socialize with the other moms when she brought us to swimming lessons. They'd all hang out in the bleachers with coffee and knitting; sometimes we went out for lunch afterward.
  • Sweeetdesiderata
    Sweeetdesiderata Posts: 20
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    First, let me say, I completely agree with everything bmac said.

    I am severely overweight (150+ lbs overweight) and I know how you feel. I have "cried wolf" many times with my getting healthy, so I understand how that goes. Most people will tell me that they have faith in me and know I can do it, but I always feel like they probably really think "Oh here we go again...".

    I have to say though, I am very lucky that I have my mom's support in this ALL the way, no matter how many times I fail. She also needs to lose some weight, so I think that makes a difference. I am sorry that you dont have that kind of support. I can imagine how hard it must be. I cant really offer much advice on that, but I will say, that you CAN do this!! Hang in there, try to stay positive, and try to quit worrying what everyone else thinks. You are doing this for YOU and no one else. Well ok, maybe for those beautiful kids of yours as well ;)
  • Pepper2185
    Pepper2185 Posts: 994 Member
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    You are your own best support system. You need to do this for you - and it sounds like you want it bad enough.

    It starts with the diet - make some small changes that you can feel proud about, whether it be less fast food, limiting sodas and juice, or eating more fresh veggies.

    As you build little bits of confidence, get out into the world! Honestly - someone's weight doesn't bother me and wouldn't deter me from being friends with them. But if all they did was complain about it, and it didn't seem like they were making changes, I would find that annoying (not saying you do this, rather that your weight wouldn't stop me from chatting you up at the playground).

    Use MFP honestly and daily, and even though we aren't with you live and in person doesn't mean we don't care. We want you to succeed. Keep pushing!

    :)
  • hcdiamond
    hcdiamond Posts: 2 Member
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    :smile: :smile: Just joing MFP you have made a great decision to better yourself. It's hard to lose weight when the people that should be supporting you the most aren't :( Just remember the reason you are make this lifestyle change is for you to be healthy and be there for your children. I just signed up for a personal trainer at the gym a month ago and was very nervous. I have been going to the gym on my own, but didn't think I was ready for a PT. I thought I was too fat, but was presuaded to give it a try. I'm so happy I did!! I love it and feel that it has given me more motivation than I ever have had before. I'm not saying you have to go that route, but you need to do whatever it takes to get you in the right mindset. I understand the have tried so many diets and now you feel they just feel like "oh here we go again" I have tried it all and have had success with some, but it never lasted too long. MFP will help you make the lifestyle change that you need. It's not a quick fix, but definately one that will work! My PT at the gym says the most important thing he tells moms is "put yourself first". For any mom that is the hardest thing to do, but this is necessary to make a positive change. Just tell yourself by eating right or taking the time to exercise you will be around a lot longer for your kids. Hope this helps!!
  • yoovie
    yoovie Posts: 17,121 Member
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  • amurphy198
    amurphy198 Posts: 45
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    I think, along with weight loss and health goals, I should set some social goals. Joining a gym is a long way off, but I am going to look for a Mom's group....and try not to wimp out contacting them. I know that I am not the only overweight mom. Its irrational, I could be surrounded by people my size, and still feel like I am a big disgusting mess. At the end of the day, it is up to me and only me to make it. Having encouragement from loved ones though goes a long way sometimes. Especially on days like today, when this path seems very long and overwhelming.
  • yoovie
    yoovie Posts: 17,121 Member
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    Imagine if you had no loved ones....
  • amurphy198
    amurphy198 Posts: 45
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    I am very glad I have loved ones. I prefer not to imagine not having them, as my Mom is already forgetting who I am, so I will be losing her all too soon. We all have a bad day, we all get discouraged, we all feel alone. There would not be a Support and Motivation board if this wasn't the case. I came here today just to get that, so I can keep going. Its really that simple.
  • yoovie
    yoovie Posts: 17,121 Member
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    youre luckier than you realize
  • cici1028
    cici1028 Posts: 799 Member
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    Feel free to add me if you'd like some support! :)

    The anger is a good thing... it will be the motivation you need. I had the same kind of motivation to start... I was mad at myself for letting things get so out of control for SOOO long. And with that fire came the energy to make real changes. Changing your lifestyle is key. Frankly, it's all about you and your choices. You just need to make the right decisions for yourself and your body. You will motivate yourself as you see your body change!
  • cici1028
    cici1028 Posts: 799 Member
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    And PS - about the self-confidence thing - I have friends of all shapes and sizes. If someone wanted to join in a social activity with me, I wouldn't be worrying about how they look. I would be wondering what kind of person they are. You seem awesome... I would hang out with you! Reach out to those groups and take advantage!
  • Kelley528
    Kelley528 Posts: 319 Member
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    I have no idea how much weight watchers cost but maybe look into attending those classes. They provide a support group for like-minded people in the same boat. Im assuming you'd have to pay for their plan to attend which I personally think is a rip off so maybe start your own support group in your community.

    You can start a group on Craigslist for other overweight people looking for moral support. You can meet once a week, plan meals together, etc....

    I personally never needed the support of others in weightloss ( I do need support in other matters) and I think that makes it easier. Maybe somehow find a way to break the idea of you cant do this on your own. The fact that you moved away and started over means you are stronger than you think.
  • emilymonnig
    emilymonnig Posts: 23
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    I teach horseback riding lessons a few times a week, and a new rider - an eight year old boy - came for his first lesson and was possibly the most terrified kid I have ever tried to teach. Even just walking with me right by his side, he kept saying over and over "I am so scared, I am so scared, I am so scared." I told him it was totally fine and completely normal to be scared of a big horse and the possibility of a long fall to the ground BUT that for every time he said "I am so scared," he had to say "But I've got this."

    You are scared. And lonely. And frustrated. BUT YOU'VE GOT THIS. Recognition is the first step. The second step, literally, is to put one foot in front of the other and keep moving. Do it slowly, do it safely, but keep doing it and don't give up. You've got this.

    One of the best lifestyle decisions I ever made was to get a dog. My dog doesn't actually like me, but boy does she love to walk. If I don't have time to go to the gym (and I too don't really like a gym atmosphere), I can always take her for a walk, jog, or trip to the dog park. She doesn't judge my cottage cheese thighs. She doesn't judge my back fat. She only cares that I hoof it with her for an hour or so a day, and in return she reminds me that whether it's raining or cold or my birthday or a Tuesday night, I committed to taking care of her and therefore I best get off the couch and do so.

    Best of luck!
  • BurtHuttz
    BurtHuttz Posts: 3,653 Member
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    I'm glad to hear you're angry, and motivated, and not self-pitying!

    Set yourself healthy targets for calorie intake somewhere between your BMR and TDEE.
    Set some reasonable goals for exercise.
    Weigh yourself regularly but not compulsively. Take measurements around your hips and waist, neck, etc. You may find that the scale won't always be going down, but there's a whole lot of other wonderful, magical stuff that's going to be happening and you may need some reassurance that such things are happening if you have a bad weigh in.

    Congratulations on your decision :-)
  • cebreisch
    cebreisch Posts: 1,340 Member
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    I wanted to lose weight, but it took going to a Mommy's and Muffins day with my daughter to actually get me to do something about it because I had such trouble just walking to the front door.

    Set some goals, even if it's to do better today than yesterday.
    http://baysweightloss.blogspot.com/2012/06/know-what-youre-aiming-for.html

    Commit to log EVERYTHING in MFP that's food related.

    Take baby-steps. Figure out what sort of things you can do today that will help you: drink more water, bring your breakfast to work instead of going through a fast-food drive thru, focus on lean-healthy proteins/fiber.
    http://baysweightloss.blogspot.com/2012/05/things-that-have-helped-along-way.html

    This was where I started:
    http://baysweightloss.blogspot.com/2012/03/losing-weight.html

    Don't try to conquer the world in a day. It even takes multiple days for people to climb Mount Everest.

    Good luck!
  • SloRunner25
    SloRunner25 Posts: 89 Member
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    Hello there! I can relate to how you feel. I'm moving to an entirely new state in January away from my family and few friends that I have managed to make. Also, I feel extremely self conscious being that I am at my heaviest so meeting new people is hard to do. I just had my honeymoon and LOVED the water aerobics at the resort. So the one thing that I'm going to look into is some water aerobics to meet new people when I move. Yes, they'll probably be much older than me but getting out there and going to some sort of fitness class is how I'm going to try and get healthier. My tipping point was checking my BMI at 205 lbs and seeing that I am not overweight, but obese. I've been up and down the scale my whole life but I've never been obese. It is scary, but I'm trying to channel all my emotions about my weight into my workouts.

    Feel free to add me as a friend if you need some support. I have myfitnesspal for my ipod so im on it everyday! I'm on the website at least every other day. I'll be glad to give you some encouraging words and also some to motivate and keep you going. I know how helpful it is because I also need that extra, "hey good job working out!" and "Okay so you just ate your body weight in Red Lobster, but you can get back in control tomorrow!" I actually really did overeat at Red Lobster last night. I felt horrible but I turned all the negative emotions into motivation to push through some extra push ups this morning.

    YOU CAN DO IT! It isn't easy but it is possible! :):)
  • catgizmo
    catgizmo Posts: 2
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    I WILL GIVE U AS MUCH SUPPORT U NEED I KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE OF YOUR WEIGHT T0 GO UP AND DOWN. I HAVE DONE IT FOR 4 YEARS NOW. MAKE UP YOUR MIND THIS TIME U ARE GOING TO DO IT, IF U CAN TO GO TO THE GYM EXERCISE AT HOME EVER FOR A MINUTE EVERY BIT HELPS IF U EXERCISE MAKE U FEEL GOOD. I KNOW IT WILL BE HARD BECAUSE OF THE AGES OF YOUR CHILDREN BUT I WOULD START AT HOME. ON STEP AT A TIME ONE DAY AT A TIME. U CAN DO IT :smile:

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