All my progress is going backwards...

funkyspunky872 · December 2012

I've worked so very hard, and I've been doing so well. I'm recovering from bulimia, and I've been 102 days with only a few binges, one purge, no laxatives, and a couple instances of restricting. I've been eating 1700 calories a day to fuel my body and to lose weight at a healthy rate. (Unfortunately, I'm not actually losing weight). I pushed past my phobia of driving and got my driver's permit. I pushed past my extreme social anxiety and got a job at a local movie theater. I stopped wasting my parent's money on therapy. I'm going to be finishing up a high school class that I missed when I went into treatment at the worst of my ED.

I'm beyond depressed. I'm stressed out with all the new change. I'm stressed out that as perfect as I am with my food diary, I'M NOT LOSING WEIGHT. I'm starting to crave things that I lost the craving for a long time ago with healthy eating. I'm uncharacteristically PARANOID every second of the day: paranoid that my best friends secretly hate me, that I'm going to get fired at any moment, that calories from the butter and popcorn are seeping into my skin, that the house is going to catch on fire while I'm sleeping, that I'm having a heart attack when I'm really having a sudden panic attack, that I'm going nowhere with my life...

I have binged 3 times in the past week. Before then I was bingeing maybe once a month, small binges that many people wouldn't even like to call a 'binge'. But these past few binges are 1000+ calories, and the urge builds all day long until I can't stop them again. All of the negative self talk has come back, and it's debilitating.

What do I do? I'm lost.

JHP8 · December 2012

It sounds like you are having a really tough time. You might speak with a physician and a therapist. Some meds might take the edge off of the anxiety / paranoia while you get back on top of all the positive changes in your life.

r3ban1x · December 2012

It really sounds like therapy was not a waste of money for you. Sometimes we really do need help from other people and there is nothing wrong with that.

funkyspunky872 · December 2012

It was a bit of a waste, as I sat there in uncomfortable silence for an hour and stared at the wall... I pulled all of my initial strength from my own reserves, and now they've been depleted. I don't mean to come off as whiny. I hate that, but I honestly don't know what to do anymore.

heybales · December 2012

Do you carry a scale on your back showing your current weight, and a sign that gives your past weight, so everyone can see how much you lost?

No.

So they only see how you look then.

Have you measurements been changing? How are the clothes fitting? Eating correctly for your level of exercise now?

And stress messes with hormones that makes it difficult to lose weight, or probably more importantly, fat weight.

You got stress? Sounds like major about your body image. Diet is a stress too. And frequent intense exercise is a stress.

Either stop one of the stresses, or back off all of them, or a couple of them. But all 3 too much - your body is going to fight what you are trying to tooth and nail. Well, actually I hope you aren't eating so little as to lose teeth and nails.

Anyway, 1700 sounds great. But that is in relation to how much you do and your current body weight, so it may be barely enough, and combined with other stresses, forget loss.

ParkerH47 · December 2012

First off: Slow down your breathing, just take one huge breath and let it all out.

seriously... did you do that yet? do that first.

Try and relax. You have changed a lot recently and that would put stress on anyone. A new job, panic attacks, depression, and an eating disorder all compounded with the fact that your not doing therapy anymore. That would be enough to put anyone into a tail spin. Changes are good, but they can be overwhelming. It is totally normal to feel like this, you just have to slow down and give yourself a break.

Is there anything that relaxes you and makes you feel better? Try some Hot Yoga if you have anything like that in your area. It may be out of your comfort zone, but not only will it help with the weight loss, but it is good for the soul. Now with it being winter the heat is nice too.

I know that this is hard, I have had people in my life go through similar things, you will get through this, it will get better with time, and you have the tools to heal yourself, you just dont know it yet.

Dont give up, just try and take things slower, dont change so much so rapidly when you're already in a vulnerable state!

You will be alright

Feel free to add me if you like

.Feel better, and good luck!:flowerforyou:

marycmeadows · December 2012

seek professional help. that money is not wasted because you need the help to sort through what you're dealing with. You obvoiusly have an addictive personality, and you are jumping back and forth between addictions. get help. for your own good.
most of us here are not professionals and our 'advice' probably isn't going to be enough. It's nothing to be ashamed of - we all need help with something at some point or another.

waronmyfat · December 2012

I've worked so very hard, and I've been doing so well. I'm recovering from bulimia, and I've been 102 days with only a few binges, one purge, no laxatives, and a couple instances of restricting. I've been eating 1700 calories a day to fuel my body and to lose weight at a healthy rate. (Unfortunately, I'm not actually losing weight). I pushed past my phobia of driving and got my driver's permit. I pushed past my extreme social anxiety and got a job at a local movie theater. I stopped wasting my parent's money on therapy. I'm going to be finishing up a high school class that I missed when I went into treatment at the worst of my ED.

I'm beyond depressed. I'm stressed out with all the new change. I'm stressed out that as perfect as I am with my food diary, I'M NOT LOSING WEIGHT. I'm starting to crave things that I lost the craving for a long time ago with healthy eating. I'm uncharacteristically PARANOID every second of the day: paranoid that my best friends secretly hate me, that I'm going to get fired at any moment, that calories from the butter and popcorn are seeping into my skin, that the house is going to catch on fire while I'm sleeping, that I'm having a heart attack when I'm really having a sudden panic attack, that I'm going nowhere with my life...

I have binged 3 times in the past week. Before then I was bingeing maybe once a month, small binges that many people wouldn't even like to call a 'binge'. But these past few binges are 1000+ calories, and the urge builds all day long until I can't stop them again. All of the negative self talk has come back, and it's debilitating.

What do I do? I'm lost.

One stop and breathe... 2nd you should be proud of yourself you've come a tremdenous way and you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. I for one am very proud of you and i dont even know you.. the road to recovery isnt very easy and you will have set backs and stumble over lil bumps in the road.. But we on here can't help you with what your asking... you need to seek professional help go and see your doctor tell him/her the same thing you've told us and they will be able to help you alot more... talking about it also helps so keep talking to us

I'd be more than happy to support you where I can , you can do it just take one day at a time and dont be ashamed if you have a small hiccup its natural..

ParkerH47 · December 2012

P.S. I just want to add, I also agree that you need to reach out to people around you. Therapy is nothing to be ashamed of and is well worth the money. Also reach out to friends and family a good support system can make all the difference!

AyaKara · December 2012

Try to take out the easiest sources of stress that you can, whether that's your job or something else. Try to find a hobby, one that can help you relax & feel better about yourself & life (having depression, dance has been one of the best aids for me & I no longer anticipate falling back into an episode).

How long have you been eating 1700, are they made up of healthy foods? Is 1700 your BMI/TDEE? What is your exercise regime? Don't be scared, increasing calories is always scary at first, but it brings us to our goals. We're all here to help you

I'd suggest trying a new therapist, one that you connect with. Sometimes, we just don't click & it causes a situation like what you were in. Don't ever think that aiming for better well being is wasting money. Good luck!

quirkytizzy · December 2012

I just wanted to say that you are going through some very valid stress and hardships right now. You're not crazy and you're not making it up or imagining it. I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you are in recovery. Please keep sharing.

debdelilah · December 2012

Try to get a job you enjoy! Having one that requires you to be constantly social if that contributes to your anxiety is not necessarily your best choice. A custodial job might be a good place to start, if you're looking for low stress/lightly active, entry level. If you work in a laundromat, you'd probably be the only employee there, cleaning machines, being pleasant to customers.
Binges will happen - the key is limiting the damage. Hot chocolate is better than a chocolate bar most times. A cup of pudding is better than a slice of cake. You can have a cup of indulgent hot chocolate with whipped topping and a pudding cup with whipped topping for 300 calories for both, but a single slice of cake could have twice that alone. I used to enjoy both, but when I want to indulge, I try to get the most bang for my calorie buck and opt for the hot chocolate and pudding(Kozy Shack Rice Pudding has 16 grams of sugar and 5 grams of protein and 130 calories - less sugar than most yogurts, and a similar amount of protein, and it's not even a health food. You can get it sugar free for 70 calories, but then it might seem less indulgent and not hit the craving. Extra small ice cream cups(single serve) also tend to be better than other desserts for limiting calories - add whipped cream and it will seem like a sundae. And avoid restaurants - some small looking desserts and sugary breads pack far more calories than you want - in the grocery store you can get one serving and know exactly what it has.

afrouws · December 2012

You went to the wrong therapist. try again. You can do this.

All my progress is going backwards...

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