In need of advice about in laws.
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flittershy30
Posts: 6
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I need to vent but can't do it on facebook. Basically I have the mother in law and sister in law from hell.
So apparently all I do is piss these people off. For the past how many years I have been asked, no demanded to give a christmas list. We get a call every year "I'm shopping, tell me what you want now or you get nothing." The first couple years I requested gift cards for new clothes. That was unacceptable, not personal enough. Ok so I will go out and find stuff I like and request that. That doesn't work either cause no one cares to look so they complain they couldn't find it and buy the cheap knockoff that either doesn't work or breaks in the first use. This year I make a detailed list of items and where they can be found. Nope, now I'm ruining christmas cause I'm being picky. You can't take the easy route and buy gift cards but all you do is complain when I give a list. All that I get is cheap junk that breaks, we already had some version of or clashes so bad with the house that is gets put away and then complained at when we don't display it. What am I suppose to do with the shelf that we don't have any where to hang? Take down stuff we like in order to put it up so they will be happy? Ugh!
I can get over the gift crap, I don't really care what I get but the demanding of when we come over for Christmas is getting out of hand. My husband and I have been together since 2005. Every year we have informed the in laws that my family can only get together on Christmas day. The first couple years that wasn't a problem since there were no kids. We could go to their house in the morning and my family's in the afternoon for about 2 hours before getting dragged to yet another groups house. Now we have a 3 year old son. For the past 3 years it has been hell. Mom in law constantly demanding that we have to come to her house Christmas morning. In her perfect world this would be us packing everything that we bought for our child including what santa brings and taking it to her house so she can be there when he opens it. I don't think that is fair to our child, "oh we see that you have all these gifts to open but you can't yet cause we have to go to grandma's house." Every year we have offered for them to come here but that is unacceptable. This year there is a new baby. She is now demanding that the whole group gets together but after 11am. The family with the baby had said no before but she guilt tripped them into coming over until at least 1. So she comes over in full on guilt trip mode, "your sister is bringing the baby over from 11-1, you just have to come over." Not only is she fully aware this is our sons nap time but for the past 3 years I have been in charge of making the turkey to take to my families house and I have told her of this several times since thanksgiving. I have talked to my husband about this and he is on my side but knows what we are going to get if we don't go, "you hate me, you are horrible people, you ruined christmas." We have gotten the same thing several times on different holidays. We have offered them to come here, tried to work out something on Christmas eve or another day but nothing but that morning makes her happy. If we do go over that morning, I can't make the turkey, our son will be a wreck the rest of the day because of no nap (he won't nap in the car and there won't be time for one), and I'm sure we will end up over her house til at least 3 because of that way she is. Not kidding you she has rules for opening presents, only one person may open a gift at a time and this drags everything out for about 3 hours because she believes that she has to have the biggest pile of presents ever. The way it's looking right now is that my husband and son are going to be stuck going over there on Christmas morning while I stay home and cook a turkey. She will be thrilled that she got rid of the nasty ***** who stole her son and is raising her grandchild but will also just make rude remarks the whole day of how it's so rude of me not to come. I just don't know how to deal with these people any more. I don't know why it's so hard for her to just accept another day. Growing up it was always one side on christmas eve the other on christmas. She just refuses to even think about it.
Thanks to anyone who took the time to read my rant. Any advice would be helpful.
So apparently all I do is piss these people off. For the past how many years I have been asked, no demanded to give a christmas list. We get a call every year "I'm shopping, tell me what you want now or you get nothing." The first couple years I requested gift cards for new clothes. That was unacceptable, not personal enough. Ok so I will go out and find stuff I like and request that. That doesn't work either cause no one cares to look so they complain they couldn't find it and buy the cheap knockoff that either doesn't work or breaks in the first use. This year I make a detailed list of items and where they can be found. Nope, now I'm ruining christmas cause I'm being picky. You can't take the easy route and buy gift cards but all you do is complain when I give a list. All that I get is cheap junk that breaks, we already had some version of or clashes so bad with the house that is gets put away and then complained at when we don't display it. What am I suppose to do with the shelf that we don't have any where to hang? Take down stuff we like in order to put it up so they will be happy? Ugh!
I can get over the gift crap, I don't really care what I get but the demanding of when we come over for Christmas is getting out of hand. My husband and I have been together since 2005. Every year we have informed the in laws that my family can only get together on Christmas day. The first couple years that wasn't a problem since there were no kids. We could go to their house in the morning and my family's in the afternoon for about 2 hours before getting dragged to yet another groups house. Now we have a 3 year old son. For the past 3 years it has been hell. Mom in law constantly demanding that we have to come to her house Christmas morning. In her perfect world this would be us packing everything that we bought for our child including what santa brings and taking it to her house so she can be there when he opens it. I don't think that is fair to our child, "oh we see that you have all these gifts to open but you can't yet cause we have to go to grandma's house." Every year we have offered for them to come here but that is unacceptable. This year there is a new baby. She is now demanding that the whole group gets together but after 11am. The family with the baby had said no before but she guilt tripped them into coming over until at least 1. So she comes over in full on guilt trip mode, "your sister is bringing the baby over from 11-1, you just have to come over." Not only is she fully aware this is our sons nap time but for the past 3 years I have been in charge of making the turkey to take to my families house and I have told her of this several times since thanksgiving. I have talked to my husband about this and he is on my side but knows what we are going to get if we don't go, "you hate me, you are horrible people, you ruined christmas." We have gotten the same thing several times on different holidays. We have offered them to come here, tried to work out something on Christmas eve or another day but nothing but that morning makes her happy. If we do go over that morning, I can't make the turkey, our son will be a wreck the rest of the day because of no nap (he won't nap in the car and there won't be time for one), and I'm sure we will end up over her house til at least 3 because of that way she is. Not kidding you she has rules for opening presents, only one person may open a gift at a time and this drags everything out for about 3 hours because she believes that she has to have the biggest pile of presents ever. The way it's looking right now is that my husband and son are going to be stuck going over there on Christmas morning while I stay home and cook a turkey. She will be thrilled that she got rid of the nasty ***** who stole her son and is raising her grandchild but will also just make rude remarks the whole day of how it's so rude of me not to come. I just don't know how to deal with these people any more. I don't know why it's so hard for her to just accept another day. Growing up it was always one side on christmas eve the other on christmas. She just refuses to even think about it.
Thanks to anyone who took the time to read my rant. Any advice would be helpful.
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Replies
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This situation happens far more often than not. And because of that, early in the relationship, rules are established as to which side of the family gets which holiday. In my marriage, Thanksgiving is done early in the day with her family and then late in the day with my family. That works because her family eats early and my family eats late. Christmas is more of flexible holiday. But we usually spend Eve with one family and Day with the other.
Then again, that only works with both families stick to the plan. In your case, it seems like your mother-in-law is changing plans. We can't change who they are and what they do. The best you can do is be the flexible one in this situation. If she's being stubborn and rigid, be the accommodating and flexible one. Its once a year and to save everyone the heartache of the consequences you and your husband will endure for not going, try your best to make it work.0 -
Since this is your husband's family, my first piece of advice would be to tell him to handle it. He needs to let her know in no uncertain terms that his primary responsibility is to his wife and child and that he will do what is best for you first. But if he's unwilling to do that, do it yourself. Sure it sucks that his mother is so selfish, but if you stand up to her, she might find some respect for you and start to back off. And if it just makes things worse, so be it. Stick to your guns.
When I was little, my mom's parents came to our house on Christmas morning to watch us open presents. In the afternoon, we went to my dad's parents' house. Extended families find ways to make it work, and unfortunately, that may require someone getting serious with the rude and selfish members of the family.0 -
Just break up. No spouse = no in laws.0
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It's ONE freakin day. Your son can't miss his nap one day? Make turkey breasts instead of a full turkey, or tell your family that you have to make something else because you have to go to your in-laws. It's one day, and it's supposed to be about family. I think you're making a bigger deal out of it then it needs to be.0
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I disagree with most of the previous posters. Yes, "it is one day", but that is precisely the point. It is the one day that you should consider your own close family first. No in-laws at your house while your kids experience Santa, no trips to the in-laws with presents for your own children to open (that should happen at your house). I would try to diplomatically request that the entire family Christmas celebration happen on a different date - Christmas Eve, the weekend before Christmas, etc. This is the time to build your own traditions with your own family and your chance to make it sacred. When your kids grow up, you don't want them to have some distorted view of what Christmas should be. This will lead to dysfunction with their own children as well. You can't always please everyone, so why bother trying. Do what's right for you and your kids.0
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OOOOH my future MIL is exactly the same. This year I stood my ground. My family does holiday dinners early in the day and his family does them later. Also, his mother does Christmas Eve and not christmas day. Well, my boyfriend works nights and holidays. Ever since we moved in together, i'm the evil b*tch that has taken her first born son. Mind you, we are 30 yrs old!!! Well thanksgiving last year she gave us **** b/c we were going to my families house first (which we always have), which is 1hr from us....than to her sister's house which is an hour from my families house, which we than have to eat another dinner!!! B/c doing just desert is not acceptable........and she was nasty to me the whole time. When we finally went to leave she goes in front of everyone and puts her arm around me and yells to my bf "Hey Roy, just remember I came first" everyone stared at her like she just killed me in the middle of the room....I bit my tounge and said good bye. Than two weeks before xmas she asked what we're doing for xmas.....same thing we do every year! Go to my families house where the 3 small children are, which is fair since we spend xmas eve with her. WELL NO, she wanted xmas eve with her and than for us to go out to dinner with her on xmas. I FLIPPED, I invited her to my families house and she declined saying she already made reservations.....what you can't cancel them?! Well I stood my ground and said no she is not getting both days. Than my bf got hit for overtime on xmas. So xmas eve we had to spend alllll day at her house until he went to work (so he didn't sleep) and than he worked until 3:30pm on xmas and had to go back to work at 10pm so I went to my families house alone. Easter I got my wisdom teeth removed (they were impacted and infected) I did not want to go anywhere.......she guilt tripped me to go to her sisters house....I couldn't eat anything and had to watch everyone else eat while I was misrable. AND I didn't go to my families house b/c they understood that I just had surgery.......SIDE note: I had a cancer scare in Jan and she refused to let my bf go with me to the doc b/c she needed him to wait for the guy to come fix her washing machine.....needless to say I hate the women.....this year for Thanksgiving we only went to my families house, and it was amazing. I invited his mother again to be nice and she declined. OH WELL, and xmas eve will be at her house and christmas he works a double again so i will be alone. The other thing that drives me nuts about her is everyone gets to go where ever they want out to eat on their birthdays, which usually costs us a bunch of money we don't have. When my birthday comes along (dec 31st) we don't go out. Nope, she orders chinese food!!!!! This year I said if she thinks I'm eating chinese food on my 30th bday that she is sadly mistaken. *hugs* I feel your pain and I think she should bring herself to your house. My bf and I agreed that once we have a child that everyone can come to our house and if they don't want to come than too bad. We aren't carting the child around to please other people.0
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You, your husband and your child are a family now. That family comes first. You need to go ahead and set the boundaries of what you will and will not do on Christmas. Right now, MIL is controlling the entire family and manipulating everyone in it. If you and your husband do not stop catering to her every single holiday, it will just continue and get worse. BUT, your husband has to be totally on board about setting these boundaries or else doing this could drive a big wedge in between the two of you.0
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The only way to deal with people who are never pleased is to stop trying to please them.0
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This situation happens far more often than not. And because of that, early in the relationship, rules are established as to which side of the family gets which holiday. In my marriage, Thanksgiving is done early in the day with her family and then late in the day with my family. That works because her family eats early and my family eats late. Christmas is more of flexible holiday. But we usually spend Eve with one family and Day with the other.
Then again, that only works with both families stick to the plan. In your case, it seems like your mother-in-law is changing plans.0 -
No kids involved yet, but we've been working on the whole "house to house" thing. Everyone wants to see everyone on Christmas Day. It was us having to get up, do our own little Christmas, run to my parent's place, one of the grandmothers, then across town to my wife's parents, THEN off for a 90 minute drive to my wife's grandparents. This is aside from two other prior Christmas celebrations. Now, her parents moved to where the grandparents are 90 minutes away. However, we're going there on Christmas Eve, and doing Christmas Day with my parents. To be fair, next year we'll probably switch and do her family on Christmas Day and mine on Christmas Eve.
It is unfair to you and your son to NOT get to enjoy Christmas morning in your house, just you & your immediate family. Sure, I get it, the in laws want to see the excitement of their grandkid/niece/nephew on Christmas morning. They need to just realize that your need time with your family, and be happy you're willing to come later. I'm not sure how to approach the subject though. Maybe just say. This is our time, we want to come see you, BUT we need our family time too. We're not trying to keep you away from your grandson or be difficult, but we need to have our own time too.
Not sure I have any advice since it sounds like she's not willing to budge. She's honestly being selfish with your time.
Also, when we got married, our pastor gave us a book titled "Boundaries" that was a helpful read.
JM0 -
The only way to deal with people who are never pleased is to stop trying to please them.
Agreed. It sounds like she'll say mean stuff to/about you either way.0 -
I agree with jq2122.... You now have a family.. (you, your husband, and your child). Your family has to come first, and you should expect your husband to respect that. In-laws can be like children, boundries need to be set and respect for the "new" family needs to be understood... ps.. good luck!0
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The only way to deal with people who are never pleased is to stop trying to please them.
Agreed. It sounds like she'll say mean stuff to/about you either way.
Agreed as well.
You've offered all kinds of solutions, she's the one being inflexible.
That said, ensure you can advise her of your plans politely and sincerely. And take the high road. Do not engage in complaining, name calling, bickering or what have you.0 -
Stay home and make your own family traditions on Christmas Day.0
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Thanks to all for the help.
AC, we have tried for years to be flexible for her. It never works. When we change our plans to work with hers she changes them again at the last minute.
To those telling me to have my husband stand up to her, tried it. She guilt trips him to the point of being a crying mess and gets her way. She has some weird way of setting him off. She can cause that for as little as him not picking up the phone when he is working. Wish I was kidding.
We have tried for years to stand up to her about this but every years it's the same thing. Whatever plan we worked out the year before gets thrown out the window because it wasn't her perfect vision. I can't change when things with my family happen. Court ordered visitation of some of my cousins make it so that is the only time we can see them. I don't think it's fair that I shouldn't be able to go see them because she is demanding.
Cindy, I'm the same age and birthday. Every single thing you said has happened to me. She does the same stuff birthday wise as happens to you but mine just forgets about my birthday while she takes everyone out on theirs, included one that was not even married into the family yet! Every single time we see her she tries to piss me off with the whole my son thing but acts like she is playing with our son. She hugs my husband and keeps saying he is her son and mine gets all upset and says "no my daddy." She always makes sure to do it in front of me. The hubby and I have the same ideas about christmas. We decided early on that when we had a kid it would be morning at home and then after noon with family, mine because of the visitation stuff. I feel for you.
I honestly feel like half of this is because she had all her kids young and now they are all grown up and 2 of 3 have moved out and got married. The 3rd is close to moving out. We know she pulls the same crap with her daughter who we were starting to get along with until the baby came, yes she was less annoying (a nice way to put it) while pregnant.
Once again thanks for helping.0 -
Like everyone else has said, it's time to put your foot down.0
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We have "home" and "away" years ... A "home" year is at my family for Christmas lunch, the following year is "away", when we all go to our respective inlaws. Mornings are for kids and Santa, usually. We always catch up with the other side of the family, maybe Christmas Eve, or later Christmas Day, but whoever's turn it is takes precedence.
That is fair.
Perhaps you could start doing that?
Inlaws turn: "11am? Sure whatever you like, MIL"; your family's year: "oh, I'm sorry, MIL, we're having lunch with my family, it's their turn. Maybe we could get together later for supper?" Be calm but firm.
(And it works both ways - don't cook the turkey on MIL year.)
Don't forget, he is her son ... you are going to want to see your kids Christmas Day when they are grown and married.
And as for presents, don't expect anything and you won't be disappointed
! 0 -
If your MIL can guilt-trip your husband to the point where he has a total breakdown, then it sounds to me like he could probably use some meetings with a psychologist to work on boundary-setting skills. Speaking from personal experience here.0
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