50 Shades for the fella's of MFP :p

The novel "Fifty Shades Of Grey" has seduced women - and baffled blokes.
Now a spoof version, called "Fifty Sheds Of Grey", offers a treat for the men.
The book's author recounts his love encounters at the bottom of the garden.
Here are some teasers...

Fifty Sheds Of Grey

We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a wall...
but in the end we decided that the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.

She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
"I'm yours for the night" she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with me."
So I took her to McDonalds.

She knelt before me on the shed floor, held it firmly, pulled it gently at first, then harder until finally it worked.
I moaned with pleasure, and thought "now for the other boot."

Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and padlocks.
But she still manages to get into the shed.

"Put on this rubber suit and mask" I instructed, calmly.
"Mmmm, kinky!" she purred.
"Yes" I said "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof."

"I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be punished."
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.

"Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. "Harder!"
"Okay," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?"

I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.

"Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
"I think so" I gulped.
"Here we go, then" she said, and showed me the receipt.

"Hurt me! Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
"OK then" I replied, "You've got fat ankles and no dress sense."

"Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm finished, you won't be able to sit down for weeks."
She nodded excitedly.
"Okay" I said, putting the three-piece lounge suite on eBay.

"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!"
"Very well" I replied, leaving the toilet seat up