Do you feel that your weight keeps you single?

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Goldberry77
Goldberry77 Posts: 9
in Motivation and Support
Hi everybody! I'm 46 and I've never been married. I'm super-embarassed to admit that I haven't been on a date in years. I'm about 120 lbs overweight. I get a lot of compliments from people that I'm pretty, smart and nice, but when it comes to romantic interests, it's just not going on...

One reason why I decided to join MFP and work on my weight is that I've been frustrated with the lack of dating. I struggle with feeling invisible to men (I'm sure overweight guys have their own version of this) I always end up with guys who just want to be best buddies. It's at the point where I'm wondering if I'll ever get married if I don't lose weight! People always give me advice that "some men like overweight women" but I obviously don't ever meet those men. Some well-meaning friends have told me that it's "all in my head" and there are plenty of women who are overweight and married.

I'm frustrated that at church I'll try to strike up conversations with single men, but they look at me with this "deer caught in the headlights" look and run away as fast as possible. I'm not even exaggerating! One guy I sat down next to in church actually jumped up and changed seats! I'm not being aggressive or flirtatious, I'm just trying to be nice.

I realize that it might not be just my weight, but my own lack of self-confidence. I have absolutely no self confidence with men. I've just been snubbed by so many guys, I'm afraid my self esteem is zilch.

At this point, I'm getting worried that I'm going to be single forever!
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Replies

  • itsjustdawn
    itsjustdawn Posts: 1,073 Member
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    According to what male friends and being ignored on dating sites tells me, yes.
  • ObtainingBalance
    ObtainingBalance Posts: 1,446 Member
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    I've felt that way before... but I've seen even obese people get married. AND I've seen girls who are overweight and dating a skinny tall guy. Some people are actually attracted to more than just looks, y'know?

    It MIGHT be that you hold yourself back because you have low self esteem... so you have never put yourself out there enough in the dating world.
  • billsica
    billsica Posts: 4,741 Member
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    I think you ladies should get your act together for you, and stop worrying about the guys at church or on the internet.

    I feel that its 90% mental. so just fake confidence till you get it. So I mean just do what you got to do, and you will be awesomesauce.
  • melonclarinet
    melonclarinet Posts: 163 Member
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    I used to think it was the weight, but I have a friend who is a good 100 pounds heavier than me (which is HEAVY) and she has always had guys going after her. She's now married, but before she would go out with 2 or 3 different guys a week. Now there are some guys who will stay away fromm over weight women, but she had NO problems. I think it's more confidence. She was a ton of fun to be around, carried herself well, and was confident around guys.
  • StinkyWinkies
    StinkyWinkies Posts: 603 Member
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    No. I think it's my age. Now, if I wanted to date or "be with" a guy young enough to be my son, I'd never lack for companionship.
  • Tamika_84
    Tamika_84 Posts: 55 Member
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    I go back and forth with this one. I do think I get passed over because of my weight but I am not sure if it due to my lack of self-confidence about my weight or just that men are not interested. I know that I don't put my self out there a lot because I don't feel comfortable. When I was much smaller I flirted and was outgoing and got attention but now I don't do that so I don't get a lot of attention.

    I myself have put trying to find someone on hold until I feel comfortable with me. I just think it's best for now. I am taking a year off to get myself together.
  • tinamwaits
    tinamwaits Posts: 18
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    I understand exactly what you are saying and I feel the same way. It probably is both being overweight and having poor self esteem, at least for me. That's part of the reason I joined MFP too. Although, now I want to lose weight more for me than for anything else... I just want to be healthy and feel good about myself.
  • ChapinaGrande
    ChapinaGrande Posts: 289 Member
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    I used to think that about myself. Then, I got a job at a wedding-dress store. I saw a LOT of size 24 and 26 dresses fly out the door. I realized that it wasn't my fat holding me back from dating, but it was my fat making my think that nobody wanted me, so my body language when I went out said, "Unlovable." My fat didn't stop it, my self-loathing did. I learned to love myself at any size and found more men than I could successfully deal with. That's for another thread. :P

    P.S. I just got married 6 months ago. Still fat. :D

    Edited for word choice.
  • angelalf1979
    angelalf1979 Posts: 244 Member
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    Yes. You think all this weight would make it easier to see me but it has just made me invisible. I get "overlooked" a lot. I don't know what its really like to turn heads. But that is why I am here. Feel free to add me doll. I am on here everyday. We can support eachother. :)
  • ddhough
    ddhough Posts: 17 Member
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    I absolutely think that it does. I think in general I have my life in great shape, and have a pretty desirable personality (so I'm told). But here I am still single. Quite frankly, not being single anymore is one of the reasons I started my quest for fitness.
  • obaker
    obaker Posts: 76 Member
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    It IS all in your head.

    It's all about confidence!
    I remember when I first started putting on weight, I was absolutely oblivious to the fact that I was getting bigger. I was still confident in myself and still did well when it came to romantic interests. Even when I was at my heaviest, I just tried to ignore my size and not let it affect me. And it was at my heaviest that I met my now husband :heart:

    Sure, there are a lot of superficial guys out there that wouldn't be interested in someone who is overweight, but I definitely don't think they're the majority. There are plenty of decent guys that realise that personality, interests, brains etc are more important. That's the sort of guy you should want anyway.

    I know it's really difficult, but you have to put your weight aside and be confident in yourself for everything else you know you are :flowerforyou:
  • MusicInMyHeart
    MusicInMyHeart Posts: 179
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    I learned that it wasn't my fat holding me back from dating, but it was my fat making my think that nobody wanted me, so my body language when I went out said, "Unlovable." My fat didn't stop it, my self-loathing did.

    This sums it all up for me. I still have my moments in front of the mirror but the more change I see in my body the higher my confidence is getting.
  • cyclingben
    cyclingben Posts: 346 Member
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    I think its about how you present yourself and your confidence level. When i was in my 400s i had a gf that was 4'11 and 98lbs and my long term x was 5'6 and 125 lbs. The one thing that i have noticed is in public and meeting people i get a lot more interest than on dating sites. Dating sites is more like window shopping for a companion. Seriously i will get a response from 1 of every 20 women i message.
  • WVmom24
    WVmom24 Posts: 266 Member
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    I don't think your weight is a make or break thing. People of all shapes and sizes find love. I do however understand your frustration and feeling like you are 'invisible' to men in a romantic sense. I have felt like that sometimes. To be totally honest (*spills guts*) although I've dated and "hooked up" a lot, I have never in my life been on a date with a guy that I either wasn't already in a relationship with, or he was just taking me out as a precursor to screwing me. My low self-esteem put me in that situation. I never thought a guy would WANT to just take me on a date and not require anything physical of me. I don't even know HOW to go on an "innocent" date. I understand totally.
  • ladytinkerbell99
    ladytinkerbell99 Posts: 970 Member
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    I think you ladies should get your act together for you, and stop worrying about the guys at church or on the internet.

    I feel that its 90% mental. so just fake confidence till you get it. So I mean just do what you got to do, and you will be awesomesauce.

    ^ I totally agree with this 100% Great response.
  • EDesq
    EDesq Posts: 1,527 Member
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    WELL, right off if you are losing weight to get a man, you better plan on STAYING "slim" TO KEEP HIM! No one likes to be deceived, meaning once you get him you go back to old habits because you are comfortable.

    LOOK, CHANGE for YOU, Get Healthy for YOU, Get self-esteem for YOU...Live a Great Life for YOU! And guess what, while you are doing that, a GREAT Guy may come along. You ever heard the old joke, "I would NOT join a Club that would have me for a member"; well, would you really want a man who wants a woman with Low self-esteem, no confidence, and probably co-dependent? Get RIGHT for YOU and all the right reasons, and when Mr. Right shows up he will be a keeper because he is there for the Right Reasons and is the Right type of person.
  • JanieJack
    JanieJack Posts: 3,831 Member
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    Confidence plays a big role, but honestly I started attracting better guys online when I lost weight (same profile- two years difference, the old pic was the heavier me and the new pic was the lighter me). What made a difference regarding my attractiveness to other guys was:

    1) Feeling more confident about who I am whether or not I have a man in my life
    2) losing weight
    3) stopped being so loud, domineering and controlling (some guys like that though)

    I know what it's like to feel invisible to men. Or to be discounted professionally because you are bigger, while people take the opinion of a thinner woman who knows nothing compared to your expertise. If you're in that boat, feel free to MFP friend me.
  • BondBomb
    BondBomb Posts: 1,781 Member
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    I'm at an average or smaller than average weight/size and I haven't been on a date in years either. Finding someone age appropriate that isn't overly douchey is the challenge.
  • pierremignon
    pierremignon Posts: 172 Member
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    As much as I hate to say it, but yes.
  • osualex
    osualex Posts: 409 Member
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    Nope. I know for sure it's the way I feel about my fat that keeps me from approaching men I like. I get approached often but I'm kinda picky, so there's that. Also, I was heavier than this in college (I just kept ballooning up!) and I never had trouble.

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