A WEEK NOT LOGGING!

My success story is a bit different to others posted on here ... but today I'm celebrating a whole week not weighing or measuring my food and not logging anything!!

Whilst this might seem to completely oppose the aim of the site, but for me, a week not logging has to be one my biggest achievements this year. Why? Because I'm recovering from anorexia and depression, and what originally started as a way to track my exercise developed into an obsession with restricted eating and compulsive exercise that nearly killed me when I reached my lowest weight in June this year.

I have always been healthy and active having played sports all my life, so exercise has always been a massive part of what makes me "me". Before anorexia, I was a UK size 8 (US 4) had a balanced and healthy attitude to food, and understood what my body needed to keep it going. I originally started using this site to help me keep track of my exercise, and to generally make sure I was getting all the right foods in the right quantities. I never weighed anything, logged food by brands and wasn't bothered if I didn't keep it up everyday. It just seemed irrelevant as I wasn't in a situation where I needed to lose weight.

I found the more I used MFP, the more my attitudes towards food and my body changed. The changes at first were only small, and went unnoticed by people around me, and even I refused to acknowledge anything had changed. This started out with cutting down on particular foods or choosing alternatives which I had deemed to be "healthier" or better for me. Rather than just eating a good balance between food groups which I had always done, I would have a quick glance over the product labels and nutrition information. Before I knew it, it turned into full on analysis of every ingredient, fat and carbohydrate, to the point it would take me 2 hours to buy 3 things. Even then I would research the products online before I went out, and compare between supermarkets and branded/non branded to get "the healthiest foods for my body". I would go to 3 or 4 shops just to get a specific sauce or porridge oats. The panic that set it when I couldn't find it was unreal. Rather than buy an alternative, I just wouldn't have it. Looking back, there was probably only 10 calories difference and 2 grams in fat or carbohydrates - completely insignificant in the grand scheme of things. The satisfaction I got from this was worrying good. I felt in control and successful, particularly if I had been struggling with other things during the day that had left me feeling inadequate and rubbish. Controlling my diet and exercising more gave me a feeling of self worth.

The cutting down on "bad foods" gradually turned into me wondering whether I should be eating those foods at all. Would they stop be beating my time in the gym? Would it make me feel heavy and bloated? What if I had too many?
Questioning whether I needed to be exercising more, and which exercises would burn the most turned into I must exercise more and I must do workouts that burn the most. The food groups I had cut down or even cut out, I found myself only eating if I had "earnt it" by going to the gym or playing a match. I was getting kicks by controlling my diet, and feeling a sense of achievement by saying no to foods and only yes when I deserved it.
By now I had started weighing my food when cooking "just in case I had too much". Recipes I began to stick to religiously. And MFP was helping the anorexic part of me thrive. I logged only Tesco food if I had bought something in Tesco. It never occurred to me that a cherry tomato in 2 supermarkets would probably be the same - (and yes they are!) only because I no longer trusted myself with food. I was worried food labels would be wrong and I wouldn't be logging in enough. Though 9 times out of 10 I can guarantee I over accounted for everything (I would round up the calories to a number divisible by 5 because it felt safer).

Over a year and a half my interest in eating healthy turned into disordered eating and then anorexia, which brought along anxiety, depression and binge eating. In a year I lost nearly 2 stone reaching my lowest weight of 6 stone 8 (92 pounds) in June 2012, after just finishing my second year at University. When I came home, I should have been hospitalized but because I had a solid support system at home I was allowed to start treatment as an out patient.

Even though I began my recovery in June, I still (un be-known to my parents and doctors) kept on tracking my food on MFP. Part of my treatment meant starting on a nutritional plan to make sure I was giving my body all the foods it needed, and this largely made up all the starchy carbohydrates and higher fat foods I had banned myself from having. The idea was to eat normal portions, and not to measure which I found near impossible, and still do now. Hardest of all was the battle against using MFP. I couldn't give it up, and if I am completely honest I do not think I will recover until I can completely let go. That is why this week of not weighing or logging is so significant to me. It represents a time in my life before anorexia where I was free of mental illness and had my life back. I am learning to understand that I cannot control everything around me, and in time this must mean also understanding I do not need to control every single ingredient that I consume. I did not do that before anorexia when I was a healthy, athletic size.
Whenever I reach a point when the eating disorder is not affecting my health, I also want to be in a position where I do not feel the need to log at all. I didn't before so why do it now.

MFP has lots of benefits and when used properly is a great tool for safely loosing and maintaining weight. For me, anorexia used it to punish myself. I am still only at the beginning of my recovery and I know this is a long process that I have only just started. Since starting therapy for the eating disorder, I have had the most painful and roller coaster period of my life, that I do not expect to get any easier any time soon. Now its about re-learning how to eat "normal" portion sizes, stopping beating myself up for eating food and starting to enjoy life!