abuse?

Charmed285
Charmed285 Posts: 189 Member
in Chit-Chat
I live with my parents, and my dad has a drinking and anger issues. he's been like that since I was little, though it's not near as bad as other peoples situation. he's sometimes always bad about something, or he tries to create or pick something just to be mad, for instance the way I walk or the way I look (apparently I look like I have an attitude which isn't the case, I'll be in my room doing my own thing then he walks in, I look up then it begins, I look like I have an attitude). he get's mad enough where sometimes he raises his hand or fist (this doens't always happen, just sometimes) and have the crazy look in his eye. I am walking on egg shells around him and I avoid talking to him at all costs to avoid any sort of argument, so I stay in my room and I try to say nothing to him, if I can and if I do it isn't much. I can't even leave my door closed anymore (he once told me to get out of the house because of this, first and only time, though near the middle or end of last month) and if I do he will bang it down until I open it, if I want to close it I have to tell him why, either I'm changing, working out (I perfer privacy), or simply because I want to. it's not allowed and the only thing he'll accept is me changing, he said befrore it's fine I can but clearly he didn't mean it since, I had it shut today and he opened it back up. so, he get's angry, if we are talking and he want's to stop he will put his hand in my face or just put it up and ignore, he has blackmailed (?) saying bc this and that he isn't going to do whatever, he doens't seem to care about anyone but himself sometimes and it's most times about what he want's, get's in my face, ect ect. this isn't daily, (except not being able to close my door) but it does happen.

This isn't a cry for help, though if you want to give advice, feel free, I just realized a few mins go that this might be a sign of abuse, I'm still debating, but I read enough posts on here to know it sounds like it could be and I didn't even know until moments ago, so I'm curious

When did you finally realize that you were in a abusive position, wheather it be spouse, family, whatever? I'm just curious


to those who may notice, I changed my username name, I rather my name not be associated with this post and like they say, whatever you put on the internet is there forever, so hopefully this may be here, but my name wont.

eta, just because, from reading the posts I realized how coming from an abusive home, people don't make the wise decisons (lack of a better word), however, I never had a bf, did have one friend which I liked, and not to get into details so this doesn't have to be any longer, made me realize that, what I thought I knew about myself and what I knew I woudn't take from others is wrong and this guy made me realize that (we are no longer talking and no he didnt harm me, was just dealing with unsessary crap, I think). no bf, and I don't know how this or even if the thing with my dad affects me or not when it comes to it, but I perfer to work on whatever problem or better yet, not put up with crap from others and ending up with a man that's like my dad, know the saying girls marry their fathers? or something like that, well I'd like to avoid that while I realize this and still ahead before I waste my time and regret whatever, theres always a regret.

Replies

  • Jacwhite22
    Jacwhite22 Posts: 7,010 Member
    I have been in abusive situations. This doesn't necessarily sound like one. Sounds like your dad does like things a certain way and you have a hard time following his rules. It is his house.....and you are 23. It doesn't sound like a great place to live and if I were you I would be moving out.
  • grawrrrr
    grawrrrr Posts: 336
    You're 23, which means you're a grown *kitten* adult. You should be able to do whatever, whenever...within reason, of course. No wild parties at home or what have you.

    That being said, either you get your father some help or find a roommate and get the hell out of dodge. I'm living proof that an unsteady home life can give you too many problems in the future. I won't go into details, but it affected my health and I was arrested once due to it. You don't have to put up with the added stress.

    Good luck.
  • rompers16
    rompers16 Posts: 5,404 Member
    I'm sorry you're going thru this, and yes, it is a form of abuse. I know you're in a situation that makes it difficult for you to leave home, but you really need to find a way. Is your mom helpful with this at all?
  • pastryari
    pastryari Posts: 8,646 Member
    Move out ASAP.
  • Jacwhite22
    Jacwhite22 Posts: 7,010 Member
    Get out
  • Charmed285
    Charmed285 Posts: 189 Member
    ok, maybe not, I wasn't sure. i dont do anything here is my day EVERYDAY ( wake up, go to school, come home, put my bags down in my room, make lunch, and STAY in my room for the entire day, I don't speak, simply do that, or maybe i'm going to work instead, when I come home it's exactly the same. if I'm off from school and work, my entire day is spent in my room and I rarely come out unless it's to eat, drink or use the restroom) that is it
  • grawrrrr
    grawrrrr Posts: 336
    And why can't you move out again?
  • UncleMac
    UncleMac Posts: 13,760 Member
    If this were a serious situation, the one thing I wouldn't be doing is writing messages to a bunch of people on the internet, asking for advice but that's me...

    You are an adult and you have the power to make choices about how you live your life... and the choices you make form the person you'll become. No-one can make the choices for you... and refusing to deal with a situation is also a choice.

    If you don't feel empowered to make a choice, then seek help... whether that is by going to a woman's shelter, a community association, religious service organization, whatever...
  • Jacwhite22
    Jacwhite22 Posts: 7,010 Member
    Is it possible your dad is wearing thin and intentionally antagonizing you to try to get you out of the house?
  • grawrrrr
    grawrrrr Posts: 336
    Is it possible your dad is wearing thin and intentionally antagonizing you to try to get you out of the house?

    This.
  • Charmed285
    Charmed285 Posts: 189 Member
    I don't have the money, I've been looking for jobs for months and no luck, I applied and gave a call back no luck, my current job is only working me 1-2 days out the week and it's only for a few hours, I asked for more and recently she said she'll try but I'm not really holding her to that, I've heard it before, but I'm still applying to other jobs, however, where I live it's extremely difficult if not impossible to find a full-time job. I may move in with my grandmother though, if I could move out I would have long ago, and I'm always trying to find ways around my obsticles but no avail.

    why would be wearing thin? I have no idea, but I don't think so. I stayed with my grandmother for a while and he was asking me why, and when I was coming back, as did my mom and he does the same crap to her, she tries to help but it's no use

    I really wasn't asking for advice, but they are welcome, plus, I it's nice to discuess things with others, since I don't really have anyone else to talk to. I was just curious if anyone was an bad household or abusive relationship, how long did it take for them to finally figure it out. I wans't sure if mine was or not which, by the responses it's not be I still wanted to know.

    according to some family, i'm not considered an adult until I'm out of my parent's house and paying my own bills, therefore I'm still treated like a child; teated like a child, but expected to act like an adult of sorts.
  • meshashesha2012
    meshashesha2012 Posts: 8,329 Member
    honestly the best way to fix my home issues was to remove myself. it was obvious that not only was my mom NOT going to change but that people in my family would keep making excuses for her behavior by saying stuff like "that's how she is" or " that's how she's always been"

    you're an adult now when means it's now on YOU to start making decisions to do what's in your best interest, and not wait for other people to get their act together..

    so, look for roommates if you have to and move out. good luck with your situation. living on your own will be tough for the first few month but then it gets better
  • grawrrrr
    grawrrrr Posts: 336
    Sounds like you just need to move, period. You're in college...what prevented you from trying out a dorm?
  • Charmed285
    Charmed285 Posts: 189 Member
    community college, no dorms

    I hope go to uni when U finish in year and a half and I might live in a dorm if I have no other housing option
  • jennifer_417
    jennifer_417 Posts: 12,344 Member
    I don't really understand why people are harshing on the OP? Moving costs money, and if she doesn't have it, she doesn't have it; she's obviously trying.

    Having said that, it does sound like a terribly unpleasant situation, and like your dad has some serious issues to sort out. Whether his behavior is abusive or not...well, sometimes it's a thin line, but it certainly is making life unpleasant for you. I really would do whatever you can to remove yourself from the situation.
  • grawrrrr
    grawrrrr Posts: 336
    Ah, yeah, I'm in community currently as well. Definitely look into the dorm option when you look into uni.

    Anyway, there's not much else anyone can say for you. Just gotta keep going until you find your way out and find the courage not to let your father stomp on you like a doormat. You'd be surprised how little money it takes to move with enough roommates.

    Again...best of luck!
  • sevsmom
    sevsmom Posts: 1,172 Member
    I'm no professional, but it sounds like emotional abuse to me. My father was VERY similar, minus any alcohol use. He would rage about the most inane things. Once i was told at age 12 to get the H out of his house because I didn't want a baked potato for dinner. The meltdown that ensued lasted about an hour.

    He changes the "rules" all the time to keep you unsteady. He probably doesn't even realize what he's doing. Recognize NOW that he is not the norm, his behavior is unacceptable, and be on the look out for any man who starts behaving this way in your dating life. It's easy to convince yourself this type of behavior is normal and acceptable because you've lived it for so long.

    Study hard. Graduate and get the heck out of that house as soon as you possibly can!!
  • anna473
    anna473 Posts: 49 Member
    Hi honey.
    I sympathise greatly, and I agree with the other posters that this is abuse. I would say if you 'think' your dad has a drinking problem, he probably does. My father was the same. He was also very selfish and controlling. Luckily, my mother realised this early and GOT OUT. But my sister, step-brother and step-sister and I were all subject to varying degrees of controlling and abuse behaviour from him. I was the youngest, and I've sort of blocked out (sounds dramatic but it's the only way to describe my blank memories) a lot of bad memories. My sister has recently reminded me of a few situations, which looking at them as an adult make me angry and sad. Dad is much better now, he doesn't drink and he's calmed down a lot, but our relationship may never be 100% ok. I love him very much because he is still my dad, but I am only just remembering stuff, I'm not ready to forget it yet.
    You need to talk to someone about this, someone who can be objective and help you with your options. Lifeline or some other anonymous counselling program? If you are of faith, a Church counsellor? Another family member, your Grandmother?
    It also sounds like you are avoiding any interaction to avoid these confrontations, is this making his suspicious thoughts worse? Can you try and engage a little - maybe stop and have a chat about your day when you get home? I don't know, it might be past a point where you can try and build a more constructive relationship, but really that depends on whether your dad is at a point where he's capable of being rational.
    I do think that long term you should be planning for moving out - you need some time out to rediscover what you need and who you are - don't let this horrible situation determine how you live your life.
    I wish you well. Feel free to add me.
    xx
  • Retiredmom72
    Retiredmom72 Posts: 538 Member
    ok, maybe not, I wasn't sure. i dont do anything here is my day EVERYDAY ( wake up, go to school, come home, put my bags down in my room, make lunch, and STAY in my room for the entire day, I don't speak, simply do that, or maybe i'm going to work instead, when I come home it's exactly the same. if I'm off from school and work, my entire day is spent in my room and I rarely come out unless it's to eat, drink or use the restroom) that is it

    Maybe this is the problem. What are you contributing to the family? Talk to your mother since you live with your parents. Something is missing in this explanation. If you really are 23 (I guess you edited that out), you can make choices. You still have a year and a half to complete community college? Haven't does your mother say? Try being a part of the family.

    I suggest to talk to a family member about the situation, and if it is that bad at home, ask to move in with a relative for a while. I don't think it is abuse based on what you wrote. Tell us the rest of the story.
  • lovelyMYlovely
    lovelyMYlovely Posts: 1,066 Member
    I live with my parents, and my dad has a drinking and anger issues. he's been like that since I was little, though it's not near as bad as other peoples situation. he's sometimes always bad about something, or he tries to create or pick something just to be mad, for instance the way I walk or the way I look (apparently I look like I have an attitude which isn't the case, I'll be in my room doing my own thing then he walks in, I look up then it begins, I look like I have an attitude). he get's mad enough where sometimes he raises his hand or fist (this doens't always happen, just sometimes) and have the crazy look in his eye. I am walking on egg shells around him and I avoid talking to him at all costs to avoid any sort of argument, so I stay in my room and I try to say nothing to him, if I can and if I do it isn't much. I can't even leave my door closed anymore (he once told me to get out of the house because of this, first and only time, though near the middle or end of last month) and if I do he will bang it down until I open it, if I want to close it I have to tell him why, either I'm changing, working out (I perfer privacy), or simply because I want to. it's not allowed and the only thing he'll accept is me changing, he said befrore it's fine I can but clearly he didn't mean it since, I had it shut today and he opened it back up. so, he get's angry, if we are talking and he want's to stop he will put his hand in my face or just put it up and ignore, he has blackmailed (?) saying bc this and that he isn't going to do whatever, he doens't seem to care about anyone but himself sometimes and it's most times about what he want's, get's in my face, ect ect. this isn't daily, (except not being able to close my door) but it does happen.

    This isn't a cry for help, though if you want to give advice, feel free, I just realized a few mins go that this might be a sign of abuse, I'm still debating, but I read enough posts on here to know it sounds like it could be and I didn't even know until moments ago, so I'm curious

    When did you finally realize that you were in a abusive position, wheather it be spouse, family, whatever? I'm just curious


    to those who may notice, I changed my username name, I rather my name not be associated with this post and like they say, whatever you put on the internet is there forever, so hopefully this may be here, but my name wont.

    eta, just because, from reading the posts I realized how coming from an abusive home, people don't make the wise decisons (lack of a better word), however, I never had a bf, did have one friend which I liked, and not to get into details so this doesn't have to be any longer, made me realize that, what I thought I knew about myself and what I knew I woudn't take from others is wrong and this guy made me realize that (we are no longer talking and no he didnt harm me, was just dealing with unsessary crap, I think). no bf, and I don't know how this or even if the thing with my dad affects me or not when it comes to it, but I perfer to work on whatever problem or better yet, not put up with crap from others and ending up with a man that's like my dad, know the saying girls marry their fathers? or something like that, well I'd like to avoid that while I realize this and still ahead before I waste my time and regret whatever, theres always a regret.
    listen girly.. NOT ALL WOMAN MARRY THEIR FATHERS I for one will not marry a guy like my dad lol he is a nice person but has some issues.. Also if you have an abusive mother you do not grow up like her if you change the behavior early on!! I came from a VERY strange family situation... and What you are describing is abuse... its mainly CONTROL. he is controlling every move you make.... and he is starting to have a attitude... if this is randomly starting less than 2 months ago it obviously can be because of something that he is worried/thinking/stressed about.... he may have something eating at him or maybe he is stressed about money.... HE MAY JUST NOT BE HAPPY ANYMORE misery loves company, meaning people who are sad LOVE to bring others down..... I suggest NOT fighting this or trying to argue back at him.. I say this because it will only make things very worse... You need to just do as he says and stay quiet... kill him with kindness.. and he may still try to pick on you and get you to your boiling point just stay calm.. dont take anything he says personal... My dad was like this towards me for a while when i was 20 though and my stepdad was boarderline like this as a middle schooler..... it sucks.. and doesnt feel good... so you know what i got out of this situation.... but the best thing u can do is listen and not talk 2 much around him, then one day u should tell him you really dont like the way he is treating you... guys like this is impossible to change.. remember you can never change a man they have to want to change themselves..... :) good luck girl...I hope you the best.....

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