How do you deal with guilt?

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CruzZ8
CruzZ8 Posts: 71
in Motivation and Support
How do you deal with guilt? My mom and dad are thin, and my sister is an athlete who can eat just about anything she wants--and she isn't even concerned with having a slim body. I am a chubby girl trying to defeat my overeating problem and I feel so bad when I have to reject any invitations to go out eating with them. I know that they are trying to eat out as a family, but I also know that I won't be disciplined if I go to whatever indulgent place they have decided to go to! And I always feel like, so where will all my work go if I go to this? I know that for my weightloss it is the right decision to avoid temptation, but I feel so guilty not partaking in my family's outings.

The last time I told my mom that I couldn't go to a brunch buffet with them because I was on a diet, she said "It's just one time", and it really upset me because she is the reason that I feel so bad admitting that I am trying to lose weight because I don't want to hear her say "I told you so." And she is the reason that I feel so stressed out about losing weight fast, and why I'm ashamed to admit I'm on a diet because god forbid I have to admit that you made me feel bad all of those times that you pointed out my weight.

So it's like, YOU CAN'T SAY THAT NOW AND ACT ALL COOL ABOUT IT!!!!!

Saying "It won't hurt" or "It's just one time" or "It's just a little treat" isn't something that I find supportive.
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Replies

  • WendyTerry420
    WendyTerry420 Posts: 13,274 Member
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    Personally, I think that it's better to learn to eat the things you like in correct portions. That's what I am trying to do. It isn't good to avoid family functions out of fear of over-eating. That would make me feel guilty too. Consider why you feel guilty if you *honestly* believe that avoidance is "the right thing to do."

    best of luck to you :flowerforyou:
  • ubermensch13
    ubermensch13 Posts: 824 Member
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    Guilt? I am unaware of this term....
  • hannahcall2
    hannahcall2 Posts: 175 Member
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    It is hard, but I think you did the right thing. I've constantly had to reject an invitation to eat out, or I've accepted and given fair warning that I would just be there to hang out not to eat. Before going out I would eat a healthy and filling meal because I new that a difficult challenge would be waiting for me at the restaurant if I didn't. If you think you have the self control to do something guilt free then put your skills to the test. Otherwise keep building up your will power until you've got your cravings under control! :)
  • Dave198lbs
    Dave198lbs Posts: 8,810 Member
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    take some responsibility for your own feelings and quit blaming your mommy
  • SheilaG1963
    SheilaG1963 Posts: 298 Member
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    I wallow in it a while and then kick myself in the *kitten* and do something about it. Nobody holds a gun to your head to make you eat. Quit blaming everyone else!
  • quirkytizzy
    quirkytizzy Posts: 4,052 Member
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    One question to ask yourself is:

    Is this eating plan sustainable? Can I reasonably expect to be able to refuse outings with my family for the rest of my life in order to keep to my food plan?

    If the answer is yes, stop feeling guilty. If the answer is no, also stop feeling guilty and instead revamp your eating plan to fit into family outings. Most of us have to learn how to eat with our loved ones and they are rarely on the same food plans that we are. That requires learning how to eat using portion control and choosing better foods. This is the wiser course. This is the saner course.

    It's also the less lonely course.
  • LorinaLynn
    LorinaLynn Posts: 13,247 Member
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    Saying "It won't hurt" or "It's just one time" or "It's just a little treat" isn't something that I find supportive.

    I find it supportive, because it's true. Avoiding social situations because of food is no way to go through life.

    Going a little over your calorie goal one day a week is not going to undo the rest of the week. And there's no saying you even have to go over your goal. Plan it into your food budget. If you're going for brunch, that's breakfast and lunch... now you only have to plan what to have for dinner. And remember there's no "reset" button at midnight. If you go a little over tonight because of an unexpected invite, shave a little off your daily goal over the next few days.
  • moran1917
    moran1917 Posts: 1,133 Member
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    A huge part of this journey is self-discipline. That means being able to go out with friends and family and eat a proper portion for your goals....or to skip a meal so you can have a larger one with your family. You can also exercise more on a day that you know you are going to be treated to a meal larger than what normally would fit. Look online at menus in advance and pick what fits. Find a way to control yourself. And be open with your mother about needing her support and assistance without an I told you so....just be there for me and love me.
  • kuger4119
    kuger4119 Posts: 213 Member
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    An important step if you are going out to eat is to look at the restaurant's website (or fitnesspal) to determine how much you can eat without wrecking yourself. Bear in mind that if it really isn't a common occurrence, it's actually a healthy thing to eat your regular calories for the day and not be at a deficit. It won't wreck your overall progress. The key is developing the self control to keep it from being a problem. I recommend that you find places that you can eat without too much guilt and suggest them to your mom so that you are being pro-active rather than reactive.
  • Proyecto_AN
    Proyecto_AN Posts: 387
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    I did alot of self-destruction, but i got bored. ;)
  • alliejoberry
    alliejoberry Posts: 35
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    If it really was just "once in a while" it wouldn't be so bad. For the most part, it sounds like you might have to avoid eating out with them, depending on where they eat and how healthy/unhealthy/caloric the food is. Unless you ate a snack beforehand and just had something like a side salad and coffee/tea, but that might be impractical because of temptation, especially if they're food-pushers.

    You should definitely make exceptions for special occasions, like birthdays. If you just went out with your family for birthdays, for example, that would only be four times a year (in addition to any other times you went with them).
  • ChristinaR720
    ChristinaR720 Posts: 1,186
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    Losing weight is about making a lifestyle change, but you don't want to isolate yourself while doing so. I think we all have anxiety when it comes to eating out, but if you control your portions and fill up on the healthier options whenever possible, you'll do just fine! Your family wants you to spend time with them. Don't use your diet as a reason for staying away.

    Next time, try either eating beforehand and just drinking water and maybe picking at a salad at the restaurant, or practice portion control. If you are able to see more of your plate than of the food you have on it, you'll be in great shape! Also, let your mom know that you really want to join them next time, but it would be helpful to pick a restaurant with some healthier options.
  • quill16
    quill16 Posts: 373 Member
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    I have been thru this many times over the past few years and FOR ME I found it better to deny the invitations explaining that at this time it was bettter for me to do the best thing for ME. Everytime I tried to go out and eat I ended up with a gain and felt miserable. I don't know if it was the way restaurant food is prepared (salt, fat) , but I assured friends and relatives maybe sometime in the future....it would be possible, just not right now.
  • Starla_
    Starla_ Posts: 349
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    Why don't you treat it as a sustainable lifestyle change instead of a diet? Then you wont have to say no to all the family outings and then you wont feel guilty.

    You need to learn how to change your eating habits otherwise you will be avoiding social functions that involve food for the rest of your life. That's no way to live, you will end up alienating everyone around you not just your family.
  • vmekash
    vmekash Posts: 422 Member
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    I see no reason for you to feel guilty. That said, since you DO feel guilty, go eat w/ your family. Plan out in your mind what you will eat, and stick to the plan. And, most importantly, track it. Believe me when I tell you, you can learn to do this. It does not mean you only eat lettuce w/ the family. It means planning what you'll eat, and how much of it. It means planning to have or not to have an appetizer and/or dessert. If you know where you'll be eating, often you can find nutrition info. for chain restaurants, and can plan every bite.

    You CAN do this.

    And, btw, you should NEVER feel guilty doing what's right for you.
  • NordicAlien
    NordicAlien Posts: 110 Member
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    As far as guilt is concerned, I've learned over the years to tell myself that I screwed up today, but tomorrow I get a fresh chance to make good choices. And it's taken a LONG time to learn that - I've had an eating disorder (absorbed from my mother) for 23 years, and all the guilt that goes along with it.

    Practical advice: ask your family to please choose restaurants with healthier choices, and to respect your choices and not push food on you, and then maybe you'll go with them. And learn which foods you can indulge in once without problems, and which you can't. I too find it hard to hear "it's only once, it can't hurt" - because with some foods, it DOES hurt. My system works in such a way that some foods, like potato chips or fast food or refined sugar, I can't eat even once without fluctuating blood sugar, cravings and exhaustion that makes me feel like crud for a week or ten days after one meal with them. Other things, like pizza or hamburgers from a proper restaurant, I can indulge in once and then not eat for three months or six months or however long, without the unpleasant cravings resetting themselves in my body.

    I don't think you should feel guilty about occasional diet-breaking (to me, "occasional" means once a month or less). But it's important to find which foods you can eat once without immediately wanting to eat them twice or thrice or ten times.
  • muradm2
    muradm2 Posts: 1 Member
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    By making it up with prior meals or just move by and learn a vital lesson!
  • McShell12
    McShell12 Posts: 161 Member
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    OK, I know how you feel, but you can change this! I am reading the Beck Diet Solution. It is NOT a diet book, but rather a way to change the way you feel about food. It is something that is very helpful to me, so that I can learn to eat normally.

    Friday night I went out to eat with my Mom, my Stepmom, and my Dad. Yes, it was very stressful, and yes we ate a buffet/pizza place. No, I didn't overeat. I went in with a food plan in place, and I stuck to it. You can too.
  • drusilla126
    drusilla126 Posts: 478 Member
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    Yeah my mom gives me the "this once won't hurt" thing all the time. But basically I don't feel guilt it's a useless emotion. I'm doing what is best for me and anyone who can't understand that can frig right off. I also don't feel guilty after having a "bad" food because guilt gets you nowhere.

    With that said you do have to give yourself room to eat out. I went to Denny's and survived so if that can happen anything can lol
  • CarlieeBear
    CarlieeBear Posts: 325 Member
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    My bf and I eat out a lot. Here's what I do (he does things a little different):

    1. Know/learn the restaurant's nutrition info....ahead of time, if possible. I have several restaurant's nutrition info downloaded to my smart phone. I don't trust what people have entered into MFP. For me, knowing how many calories are in food helps me control my eating. Some restaurants (esp. small local ones) aren't able to help with this.

    2. Cut down portions. You may need to have the server bring you a box with your meal. I'm fine to divide mine in half before I start eating. I almost never eat everything I'm served in a restaurant. Most restaurant meals are over 1,000 calories. If taking leftovers home isn't practical for you, remember it's more wasteful to turn them into fat than to have them tossed in the garbage. You could also give them to someone holding a sign on a street corner.

    3. Compensate at other meals. I try not to skip meals in order to eat more at another. I do sometimes have a nutrition bar for lunch if I've had a big breakfast and expect to eat out that night.

    4. Exercise it off. Spend extra time in the gym before or after. Working out before eating out helps me enjoy without guilt. It also allows me to treat myself by getting one of the slightly higher calorie items on the menu.

    5. Avoid appetizers and dessert unless it's a special occasion. Unless it's a designated "cheat night" (such as a birthday or our anniversary), apps and dessert aren't options. When we do indulge, we share.

    I am a bit concerned that you said you are trying to lose weight fast. What do you mean by this? A weight loss of 1-2 pounds a week is healthier and more sustainable than quick weight loss. Lifestyle change is what it's got to be about if you want to make it last.

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